Holding it together but drowning: My partner's withdrawal from our family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why aren't you married?

Op here

we haven't done the formal, legal paperwork, but we did have a commitment ceremony. For all intents and purposes, we are all but married. So as far as our relationship and our family goes, the commitment is there.

[Anonymous]

She sounds clinically depressed. But it probably doesn’t matter because only a troll would say they have a 28 month old, you doofus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went through this as a mom. It wasn’t until my youngest was 4 that I really snapped out of it.

What helped me the most was getting alone time to do the things I did before kids. I think people underestimate how much becoming a mother changes your identity, and I had to re-discover myself. I also needed solo time away from the house (being in the house is just a reminder of everything I need to do).

What did your wife like to do before kids? Rather than the extreme of a 2 week trip, what if she got a weekend day and maybe a weekend evening to go do whatever she wants to do?

Op here

Before kids, she really loved going out and doing hikes. She was definitely more active and social.

I actually tried a smaller version of what you're suggesting a couple of months ago. I took the girls away for a night so she could have the house to herself and go do whatever she wanted. She did go out, but honestly, it didn't make any difference at all. When we came back, she was just as withdrawn and checked out as before. It seems like a break isn't the cure here.

I completely agree with you (and others) that therapy would be great. The problem is, whenever I bring it up, she very strongly shuts it down and calls it a waste of time. She refuses to even consider it.

How do I make therapy happen when she outright refuses? Do I ask more forcefully? I don't want to back her into a corner or be controlling, but I'm running out of ideas on how to get her to just try it. I really don't want to sound negative I still love her and want desperately to find a way to make it work for us

[Anonymous]

Why would you take the kids away for two weeks? That makes no sense. If you have the money hire help or suggest she go part-time if she has a job that would allow it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why aren't you married?

Op here

we haven't done the formal, legal paperwork, but we did have a commitment ceremony. For all intents and purposes, we are all but married. So as far as our relationship and our family goes, the commitment is there.

You aren't married, big difference. Propose and get married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She sounds clinically depressed. But it probably doesn’t matter because only a troll would say they have a 28 month old, you doofus.

Op here

I’m coming here asking for genuine help with a really painful situation, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't give me grief over how I phrase my kid's age. I said 28 months because my youngest always insists on being two and a bit, and it's how I'm used to tracking her age right now. Please don't dismiss what I'm going through just because of a semantic choice. I'm exhausted and just looking for actual advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went through this as a mom. It wasn’t until my youngest was 4 that I really snapped out of it.

What helped me the most was getting alone time to do the things I did before kids. I think people underestimate how much becoming a mother changes your identity, and I had to re-discover myself. I also needed solo time away from the house (being in the house is just a reminder of everything I need to do).

What did your wife like to do before kids? Rather than the extreme of a 2 week trip, what if she got a weekend day and maybe a weekend evening to go do whatever she wants to do?

Op here

Before kids, she really loved going out and doing hikes. She was definitely more active and social.

I actually tried a smaller version of what you're suggesting a couple of months ago. I took the girls away for a night so she could have the house to herself and go do whatever she wanted. She did go out, but honestly, it didn't make any difference at all. When we came back, she was just as withdrawn and checked out as before. It seems like a break isn't the cure here.

I completely agree with you (and others) that therapy would be great. The problem is, whenever I bring it up, she very strongly shuts it down and calls it a waste of time. She refuses to even consider it.

How do I make therapy happen when she outright refuses? Do I ask more forcefully? I don't want to back her into a corner or be controlling, but I'm running out of ideas on how to get her to just try it. I really don't want to sound negative I still love her and want desperately to find a way to make it work for us

Even if you tell her it’s untenable for you to continue on like this? You sound very afraid she will be upset with you and leave you. Do you feel like she will only stay if you don’t make waves? This may be part of how this has gotten so bad. But no, she shouldn’t get to unilaterally determine what is “a waste of time.” Especially when you are this overwhelmed and unhappy and she is doing so little. I recognize the possibility of mental health issues here but still.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you take the kids away for two weeks? That makes no sense. If you have the money hire help or suggest she go part-time if she has a job that would allow it.

Op here

Sorry, I was just trying to find something that helps, but I can see how extreme that sounds.

As for the suggestion of her going part time she is incredibly career driven. I actually did suggest that to her as a way to relieve some of the pressure as we, but I completely understand why she doesn't want to do it. Her career is very important to her and I respect that she doesn't want to step back.

[Anonymous]

I would make an appointment with a psychiatrist who specializes in women’s mental health. She will help you get a baseline sense of whether this is depression, undiagnosed adhd, childhood trauma affecting attachment, etc.

There’s a pattern that can happen that once you let down your kids, your shame causes you to detach further.

Does your wife find joy at work and with friends?

Does she have friends and family who are aware of this issue?

Does she engage with kids’ teachers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you take the kids away for two weeks? That makes no sense. If you have the money hire help or suggest she go part-time if she has a job that would allow it.

Op here

Sorry, I was just trying to find something that helps, but I can see how extreme that sounds.

As for the suggestion of her going part time she is incredibly career driven. I actually did suggest that to her as a way to relieve some of the pressure as we, but I completely understand why she doesn't want to do it. Her career is very important to her and I respect that she doesn't want to step back.

Hire help - nanny, housekeeper, etc. Simple solution. And, get a regular weekly babysitter and take her out to dinner, etc. once a week or every other week.

[Anonymous]

You don't sound committed to her if you are trying to take the kids away and refuse to marry her. I hope this is fake.

[Anonymous]

I'm one of the PP's.

I mentioned Gottman workbooks. I've thought about therapy but I don't trust it. I just don't. My parents tried it. It didn't solve problems. Guess what. They're still married, in their 80s, with the same problems. That might be a win? Nobody made them stay together and my mother's father left her financial means so she could afford to divorce.

I've identified the Gottmann workbooks as where I would start before booking a live therapist. The analysis and methods make sense to me. You might find another resource that makes sense to you.

You may be able to find books and materials to browse through at a public library or bookstore. Or maybe through library e-books.

The woman above who mentioned age 4 as a transition point shares my thinking on when toddlers get easier. I knew a few people who were divorcing when their kids were between 2-4. And I always wondered if that made sense because the toddler age is a very stressful age for parents. Some people are very impacted by being "touched out" and hearing a lot of noise all the time.

[Anonymous]

I hate to say it but is she having an affair? The late nights at work and detachment from the family seem like a clue. If it isn't that then she is suffering from depression.

[Anonymous]

Waa your wife an only child by chance? I am, and life was fine until my 2nd child was born and there were all these annoying sibling dynamics I was just not prepared for. I retreated a lot, went back to work to hide. Things have gotten better with time and I am leaning back into my mom role much more these days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Waa your wife an only child by chance? I am, and life was fine until my 2nd child was born and there were all these annoying sibling dynamics I was just not prepared for. I retreated a lot, went back to work to hide. Things have gotten better with time and I am leaning back into my mom role much more these days.

Also, with time I mean years. My youngest is about to turn 7. My older one is late elementary now.