Holding it together but drowning: My partner's withdrawal from our family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here

Thank you to those who offered positive support, but the critical comments really didn't help. To those questioning our commitment because we aren't legally married, I don't know how you can be more committed to someone than having children with them.

We spoke this evening. The conversation became very challenging, and she admitted to cheating on me.

I'm sorry for asking the wrong question in my original post. It turns out the problem was much bigger than I realized. Right now, I'm speaking to friends to get help and support for myself.

Marriage is how.

[Anonymous]

OP, sorry for the update.

You need to check to see if you are on the birth certificates for the children. If not, see a family attorney. You might need to get DNA tests to document that you are the Dad.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, sorry, just saw your response above my comment.

So very sorry you're dealing with this.

[Anonymous]

Hold your head high, friend. You are full of empathy and tried to make this work. You sound like a great dad. Protect those girls and your peace. You’ll eventually be on the other side of this and better without her. Stay strong.

[Anonymous]

OP, sorry you are dealing with this. You are doing a great job raising your kids and keeping life stable for them. You will make it through!

[Anonymous]

Good luck OP. I hope you find peace and rest. Your kids are lucky to have you. At this point since she has admitted to cheating, I'd say get in touch with lawyers and file for full custody. It seems like she is already out the door. When she gets mentally well she may want to do visits and you can agree to something more later. Right now, your kids need you to be the stable force.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d be depressed too if I had two kids with a guy that wouldn’t marry me.

Yep.
The entire scenario sounds either celebrity who doesn't have to hold middling class values or the opposite which is ghetto.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be depressed too if I had two kids with a guy that wouldn’t marry me.

Yep.
The entire scenario sounds either celebrity who doesn't have to hold middling class values or the opposite which is ghetto.

Some guys are just reluctant to commit. They always think they might be able to do better. I guess the wife got over it and went where someone wanted her. I feel bad for the kids though.

[Anonymous]

Does sound like depression and they young years are SO hard and when you are in it, feels like it will never end. Get her to a doctor

[Anonymous]

Not everyone is a baby person. Some women turn into great parents once the child is older and can walk and talk and express their needs. Maybe she will be really involved if one of your daughters joins a baseball team or maybe she will coach soccer. I say as long as she turns up for the yearly Christmas concert and poses for the Christmas card picture you should stop complaining. She sounds like such a good mom.

[Anonymous]

Op here

Thank you all for the support. Just to clarify some questions, I am on both birth certificates and I am the primary parent. I handle all the pediatrician appointments and everything at school.

We’ve been together for 12 years and share a lot of mutual friends. I reached out to someone we both get along with well, and they mentioned she’d changed a bit. I didn't tell them about the cheating, it's not my place to share that, but thanks for the suggestions to speak to other people to confirm that her shift hasn't just been in my head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here

Thank you all for the support. Just to clarify some questions, I am on both birth certificates and I am the primary parent. I handle all the pediatrician appointments and everything at school.

We’ve been together for 12 years and share a lot of mutual friends. I reached out to someone we both get along with well, and they mentioned she’d changed a bit. I didn't tell them about the cheating, it's not my place to share that, but thanks for the suggestions to speak to other people to confirm that her shift hasn't just been in my head.

OP, I think you can stop worrying about whether anything was in your head. Get working on straightening out the logistics and getting you and your kids in a better place. But I would also recommend you get lots of therapy. Not because you did anything wrong but you seem to struggle with setting boundaries and trusting yourself. You did not create this situation but you may have let it go on longer than it needed to by not wanting to rock the boat and trying to make things easier for her. Best of luck to you, OP.

[Anonymous]

We had a moment like this in our marriage. I asked for a parenting schedule, not a divorce. I just said, look if we get divorced, I assume you want 50/50 custody, and a 5/2/2/5 parenting plan like most people use. I want that now. I'm not saying I want a divorce, just that I'm so overwhelmed that I'm thinking about it, and I'd like a trial run of a 5/2/2/5 schedule. On your days, you're 100% in charge of the kids, including pick-ups, meals, and you can't travel and socialize unless you set up a sitter. This was a bit crazy, but it gave me space to take care of myself, including exercise and go to therapy, and I tried to see a friend for coffee or a meal once a week. And it made my spouse a better parent. Now we are back to just cooperating and I am vocal when I need breaks because once we switched back to cooperating, I became the default parent again, which is fine as long as he steps up when I say I need breaks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not everyone is a baby person. Some women turn into great parents once the child is older and can walk and talk and express their needs. Maybe she will be really involved if one of your daughters joins a baseball team or maybe she will coach soccer. I say as long as she turns up for the yearly Christmas concert and poses for the Christmas card picture you should stop complaining. She sounds like such a good mom.

Op here

You are correct , she is not a baby person. She always said she birthed them, so the least I could do is handle the diapers and tantrums. She is a good mom, and I hope to see her get more involved again as our youngest gets a little older. Honestly, I don't know what I want right now, but we need to sit down and talk properly when I'm not so angry. I need to focus on the girls instead of what is easiest for me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here

Thank you all for the support. Just to clarify some questions, I am on both birth certificates and I am the primary parent. I handle all the pediatrician appointments and everything at school.

We’ve been together for 12 years and share a lot of mutual friends. I reached out to someone we both get along with well, and they mentioned she’d changed a bit. I didn't tell them about the cheating, it's not my place to share that, but thanks for the suggestions to speak to other people to confirm that her shift hasn't just been in my head.

OP, I think you can stop worrying about whether anything was in your head. Get working on straightening out the logistics and getting you and your kids in a better place. But I would also recommend you get lots of therapy. Not because you did anything wrong but you seem to struggle with setting boundaries and trusting yourself. You did not create this situation but you may have let it go on longer than it needed to by not wanting to rock the boat and trying to make things easier for her. Best of luck to you, OP.

Op here

Thank you for the kind and honest words, I am planning to find one tomorrow, I do feel trapped at this moment and as our friends are mutual I need to talk to someone.