Holding it together but drowning: My partner's withdrawal from our family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm one of the PP's.

I mentioned Gottman workbooks. I've thought about therapy but I don't trust it. I just don't. My parents tried it. It didn't solve problems. Guess what. They're still married, in their 80s, with the same problems. That might be a win? Nobody made them stay together and my mother's father left her financial means so she could afford to divorce.

I've identified the Gottmann workbooks as where I would start before booking a live therapist. The analysis and methods make sense to me. You might find another resource that makes sense to you.

You may be able to find books and materials to browse through at a public library or bookstore. Or maybe through library e-books.

The woman above who mentioned age 4 as a transition point shares my thinking on when toddlers get easier. I knew a few people who were divorcing when their kids were between 2-4. And I always wondered if that made sense because the toddler age is a very stressful age for parents. Some people are very impacted by being "touched out" and hearing a lot of noise all the time.

Gottman wont work for what OP describes. This isn’t a marriage issue. She needs more psychological help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm one of the PP's.

I mentioned Gottman workbooks. I've thought about therapy but I don't trust it. I just don't. My parents tried it. It didn't solve problems. Guess what. They're still married, in their 80s, with the same problems. That might be a win? Nobody made them stay together and my mother's father left her financial means so she could afford to divorce.

I've identified the Gottmann workbooks as where I would start before booking a live therapist. The analysis and methods make sense to me. You might find another resource that makes sense to you.

You may be able to find books and materials to browse through at a public library or bookstore. Or maybe through library e-books.

The woman above who mentioned age 4 as a transition point shares my thinking on when toddlers get easier. I knew a few people who were divorcing when their kids were between 2-4. And I always wondered if that made sense because the toddler age is a very stressful age for parents. Some people are very impacted by being "touched out" and hearing a lot of noise all the time.

Gottman wont work for what OP describes. This isn’t a marriage issue. She needs more psychological help.

PP. We don't actually know what is wrong. However OP has made some requests of his partner that she is unwilling or can't bring herself to accommodate. She's also not accepting his gestures to try and help. This can be the subject of couples' therapy.

Anyway, the idea is to find something to read or fill out at home to DIY a bit instead of seeing a counselor (OP says she doesn't want to). She might do something private on her own time that doesn't cost money.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to push therapy or some sort of change, or else nothing will change. It is scary and it might be a huge fight, but will be worth it in the end.
Is there a chance there is someone else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why aren't you married?

Op here

we haven't done the formal, legal paperwork, but we did have a commitment ceremony. For all intents and purposes, we are all but married. So as far as our relationship and our family goes, the commitment is there.

Well I can tell you why she's not happy...you aren't married and you don't see that as an issue. It is an issue.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t read the entire post, but think you should ask if your partner still wants to marry you. If she doesn’t like kids why would she have 2nd child with you?

[Anonymous]

This is so weird I just can’t

[Anonymous]

I’d be depressed too if I had two kids with a guy that wouldn’t marry me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d be depressed too if I had two kids with a guy that wouldn’t marry me.

Boom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went through this as a mom. It wasn’t until my youngest was 4 that I really snapped out of it.

What helped me the most was getting alone time to do the things I did before kids. I think people underestimate how much becoming a mother changes your identity, and I had to re-discover myself. I also needed solo time away from the house (being in the house is just a reminder of everything I need to do).

What did your wife like to do before kids? Rather than the extreme of a 2 week trip, what if she got a weekend day and maybe a weekend evening to go do whatever she wants to do?

Op here

Before kids, she really loved going out and doing hikes. She was definitely more active and social.

I actually tried a smaller version of what you're suggesting a couple of months ago. I took the girls away for a night so she could have the house to herself and go do whatever she wanted. She did go out, but honestly, it didn't make any difference at all. When we came back, she was just as withdrawn and checked out as before. It seems like a break isn't the cure here.

I completely agree with you (and others) that therapy would be great. The problem is, whenever I bring it up, she very strongly shuts it down and calls it a waste of time. She refuses to even consider it.

How do I make therapy happen when she outright refuses? Do I ask more forcefully? I don't want to back her into a corner or be controlling, but I'm running out of ideas on how to get her to just try it. I really don't want to sound negative I still love her and want desperately to find a way to make it work for us

One night isn’t enough. She needs 2-3 months of consistent breaks to really start feeling like herself again.

Could you do something like take the kids out to dinner or out for Saturday mornings or something every week?

[Anonymous]

You can't make her do anything. I would find a therapist who can help you decide where your boundaries are and how to communicate your needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't make her do anything. I would find a therapist who can help you decide where your boundaries are and how to communicate your needs.

This. Get a therapist for yourself.

Also if you are not authorized to talk to her doctors you can still call them and express your concern. I'd try to talk to an RN in the office of her PCP and of her Gyn. Tell them you are the partner and father of two young girls and you think she has major depression or post partum depression. They can bring it up with her on her next visit.

Outsource to every service you can to give yourself a break.

It really sounds like she needs mental health meds. I don't think a therapist will make a dent.

[Anonymous]

Op here

Thank you to those who offered positive support, but the critical comments really didn't help. To those questioning our commitment because we aren't legally married, I don't know how you can be more committed to someone than having children with them.

We spoke this evening. The conversation became very challenging, and she admitted to cheating on me.

I'm sorry for asking the wrong question in my original post. It turns out the problem was much bigger than I realized. Right now, I'm speaking to friends to get help and support for myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d be depressed too if I had two kids with a guy that wouldn’t marry me.

Stop. It takes TWO to want marriage. If she is happy having a commitment ceremony instead of a marriage, then that's all that matters. NOT your views, not my views.

I think you honestly need to sit her down without kids there and tell her you simply can't keep going this way. YOU will be entering therapy and need her to engage in marriage counseling. Because, you are married, you said so, even without the big white dress, so then, you need marriage counseling.

And if she won't, then you need to decide what's worse: to live in a home with a checked out partner who doesn't help while you run yourself ragged, or separate. BUT since you aren't married, that might end up being more difficult, etc. You ARE on the birth certificates of the children, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here

Thank you to those who offered positive support, but the critical comments really didn't help. To those questioning our commitment because we aren't legally married, I don't know how you can be more committed to someone than having children with them.

We spoke this evening. The conversation became very challenging, and she admitted to cheating on me.

I'm sorry for asking the wrong question in my original post. It turns out the problem was much bigger than I realized. Right now, I'm speaking to friends to get help and support for myself.

It wasn't the wrong question. It was just part of the bigger picture.

I'm really sorry for your situation. You sound like a very good father.

Now you know that part of the alienation was likely due to guilt.

This site doesn't help everybody but I'm suggesting it anyway: chumplady.com. It will reinforce that the situation was not caused by you and is not your fault. That may be helpful to hear. Some also recommend various Reddits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She sounds clinically depressed. But it probably doesn’t matter because only a troll would say they have a 28 month old, you doofus.

Op here

I’m coming here asking for genuine help with a really painful situation, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't give me grief over how I phrase my kid's age. I said 28 months because my youngest always insists on being two and a bit, and it's how I'm used to tracking her age right now. Please don't dismiss what I'm going through just because of a semantic choice. I'm exhausted and just looking for actual advice.

My heart goes out to you. Some things to consider - any chance your partner is borderline on the spectrum? They don't handle parenthood well. Has she had a full physical to rule out things such as thyroid issues?