Holding it together but drowning: My partner's withdrawal from our family

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone,

I’m really struggling right now and could use some perspective. I’m a dad to two amazing daughters (7 years old and 28 months old). Both my partner and I work, but over the last two years, it feels like I’ve become a solo parent while still being in a relationship.

She has completely withdrawn from parenting. She doesn’t get involved in activities, doesn't play with them, doesn't do bedtimes, she really doesn't do much of anything with them at all. I handle the vast majority of the day to day care and household duties. On top of that, she’s become incredibly distant from me, too.

The other day, she suggested without directly saying (away from the girls) that a part of her regrets having kids. Hearing that broke my heart, but honestly, her actions have been showing that for a while.

I'm holding it together for my girls, but I am utterly exhausted. I'm aware that my daughters need an engaged mother in their lives. I don't want to just give up on our family, but I don't know how to raise this issue with her without it turning into a massive fight or making her pull away even further.

For those of you who have been through relationship trouble where your partner completely checked out of parenting, did you make it through? How did you actually bring up the conversation?

Any words of advice or encouragement are welcome. I just feel like I'm drowning right now.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like postpartum depression, medication and therapy can help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like postpartum depression, medication and therapy can help

Op here

Thanks for bringing up PPD. I’ve wondered about this myself, especially since her withdrawal just months after our youngest was born. I’ve read up on it and tried to gently bring it up to her, suggesting that she might be dealing with depression or severe burnout, but she completely shuts down the conversation. She won't even entertain the idea.

I even offered to take the girls away for two weeks so she could have a complete break. She refused that too.

That’s what is so confusing and frustrating. If she’s overwhelmed and needs space, I’m trying to give her an out. If she’s depressed, she needs support, but she won't talk to me about it. I feel like I’m hitting a brick wall.

[Anonymous]

This is a very tough situation and I think it's good that you are thinking through your next steps carefully.

The way in which you describe the situation suggests that there is a risk of her walking out/divorce. In that event, you may end up doing as much or more of the childcare.

First, I would start by assessing how the kids feel and what they notice and tweaking that situation. Regardless of any regrets, your wife morally owes her children emotional and physical care. Without getting into a larger discussion, can you propose some adjustments that she might agree to? For example, can she take the older child to run errands with her more regularly? Or handle the toddler's bedtimes 3x per week? I think it's okay to nicely ask for concessions because part of parenting involves duty.

Second, you don't seem to know the root cause of why your wife is pulling away. It could be depression, it could be physical illness, it could be life regrets, it could be her feelings about you, it could be having kids, etc. You should try to understand what the causes are to be able to understand your situation. If you don't want to open a discussion of marriage counseling services, I think the workbook materials from Gottman therapists might be a place to start. After you have formed some hypotheses, then perhaps you can have an open discussion.

Regarding the ages of your children, the toddler is likely the hardest to manage. But her behavior should be getting easier to manage by age 4. So if "hanging in there" and "getting by" are acceptable, improvement in the situation may come naturally. I would try to focus on the light at the end of the tunnel.

Third, are there any logistical improvements you can brainstorm to make running the household easier and more pleasant? For example, assigned chores for the 7-year old, pre-school for the toddler, reducing or increasing extracurricular activities, grocery delivery, etc? Thoughtfully-offered, financially and logistically feasible adaptations might show your wife that you are genuinely concerned for her feelings as well.

Fourth, can you drop your kids off with grandparents and take a fun vacation with your wife for a long weekend or week? Just an opportunity to be together and relax?

These are some starter thoughts. I would worry less about what she privately said about regretting having kids and be more concerned about how the kids feel about her treatment of them.

I hope it gets better for your family.

[Anonymous]

I've been through this and made it out. There were underlying psychological issues that were the cause (not PPD) and when those got better, it got better. It's not perfect, but she's more present.

I did bring it up, and that was part of getting her into an intensive outpatient program. It was a risk though, it could have been a massive fight.

Unfortunately, the reality of it is that if your partner won't step up, you have to do it all. I've lived it and it's hard, but that's your duty to your kids.

[Anonymous]

Lots of parents regret having kids. It's really hard! She probably misses the freedom and lack of responsibilities she used to have. That is totally understandable. If I were you, I would try to have a judgement free conversation about it. Why did you decide to have the 2nd one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of parents regret having kids. It's really hard! She probably misses the freedom and lack of responsibilities she used to have. That is totally understandable. If I were you, I would try to have a judgement free conversation about it. Why did you decide to have the 2nd one?

A PP. I would work on improving the situation from current baseline rather than dwelling too much on the regret. For one thing, it's un-doable. Also feelings about specific kids can change with their life stages. And we are all unreliable narrators. There are times when it can be better not to say the horrible thing on the tip of one's tongue as words can be imperfectly and hurtfully understood.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, I meant "it's irreversible". Meant to say it's not un-doable. But garbled it.

[Anonymous]

Op here

I really like the idea of a trip away together. We haven't had any real time just the two of us in ages, and a change of scenery might help. My only fear is that she'll shoot it down like she did when I offered to take the kids away for two weeks, but I think it's worth a shot to suggest it. If we can't do a trip, maybe even just a weekend day hike or something to force us out of the house and our routine. I have always done date nights.

When i've tried talking to her about it. I've explicitly told her that she needs to be more involved with the girls, but she just shuts me down and makes it clear she doesn't want to. I've also asked her to go to marriage counseling with me, but she won't agree to that eitherz she is dismissive and says nothing is wrong.

Regarding her needed to be emotionally involved, this is the part that really breaks my heart and the reason to look for any advice. It's getting to the point where my toddler doesn't even ask for her mom anymore, and my eldest wants me to take her to all her clubs and activities. Her mom is losing them, and I don't think she even sees it happening. But I want to be clear, I will always step up as a parent. I don't mind being the one they rely on, and I'll do whatever it takes to make sure my girls feel loved and supported. It's not a burden. It's the distance between my partner and me, and watching her slip away from the kids, that is absolutely exhausting me

[Anonymous]

What are her specific grievances? I’m sure she’s expressed unhappiness about certain things over the years.

[Anonymous]

PP who suggested a trip. The reason why I said a long weekend or a week is that it takes time to get into relax mode. One or two days doesn't always cut it for starting to relax and getting past the sniping that a lot of married people do. It's also weird to stop being in parent mode. It takes awhile physically to turn off the listening for kid noise and thinking ahead about next steps in the day's activities.

Now I would like to address some points from your recent post.

Maybe it will calm you a little to realize that you are in a bit of a gender-flipped situation and that if you think about how kids were often raised in the past, it was still possible for kids to love a pretty uninvolved dad. Hold this hope for a while instead of catastrophizing. The concept you should research and study is "secure attachment". How it is created and fostered. And determine whether your kids actually feel rejected by their mom or are oblivious. Being provided with shelter, clothing, food, and toys and not being treated in a trauma-inducing fashion is a good baseline. Does she ever hug the kids or praise them? Maybe you can ask her to build in some of that if none of that is happening. It's reasonable to request that she demonstrate some loving behavior even if it's not spontaneous.

Children can be pretty literal. Once they form expectations and routines, they often prefer and request their routine. I wouldn't read too much into that.

With my kids, each has extracurriculars that I enjoy but one has a tedious extracurricular that I don't care for. And my DH handles that one completely. I think that it's okay to divide and conquer ECs. The problem is that your wife doesn't have an interest in any of them. That said, remember that extracurriculars for kids are a cultural artifact. They are not inherently necessary.

I also think there could be a bit of daddy's girl stuff going on. When I was a kid, mom was the boring homemaker always doing chores and nagging me about school. Dad was the fun one. Once I grew up, this dynamic disappeared.

Again, I really feel for your situation. Try to stay as factual as possible about what is going on with your kids when making your decisions (operate based on factual observations vs. your emotions of fear and grief).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like postpartum depression, medication and therapy can help

No they can’t she’s not cut out to be a mother and it’s sad

[Anonymous]

Are you trying to get her to agree with you that something is wrong? She doesn’t seem to want to do that. I wonder if you frame it that you are not okay with the current situation and you need her to go to marriage counseling etc. She may be currently unwilling to acknowledge anything being wrong with her.

I’ve had some ups and downs and my DH has gotten my attention with the impact on him and the kids, without me needing to agree at that point that anything was wrong with me.

[Anonymous]

Divorce/Separate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are her specific grievances? I’m sure she’s expressed unhappiness about certain things over the years.

Yes yes, we all know it's Ops fault. Doesn't matter what OP did to contribute to this. It's completely unfair and unhealthy for her to be acting this way towards her children.