Holding it together but drowning: My partner's withdrawal from our family
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Anonymous
| Couples counseling? I'd also look into a therapist for your 7 year old. You may not notice yet, but I imagine the emotional neglect from her mother will cause issues down the line. |
Anonymous
Life causes issues down the line - that's how it works. |
Anonymous
Stop it with false information. This woman is depressed. Maybe it's PPD, maybe it's something else but yes, therapy, medication, moderate exercise can all help and you know that. |
Anonymous
| A family friend is going through the same. Nearly 5 years now and it is not improving at all. Initially he thought the more he did, she would eventually come around. Over time she she has stopped working, stopped doing anything around the house, not remotely interested in the kids, and not happy. Just detached. While most belly ache about how lazy and negative she has become, I ponder mental health issues. He is not doing anything wrong, and is not complaining, but obviously he is exhausted. Is your wife willing to do counselling on her own, or willing to talk with her doctor? |
Anonymous
| OP, what was she like after the first child? |
Anonymous
| Does your wife have friends? Does she work? Has anyone noticed the change in her? |
Anonymous
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Yes, this happened to me with the genders reversed. I understand exactly what you are going through.
I coped in part by getting a part-time nanny to lighten the load, even though it was very expensive. Then waited it out until the kid was a little older and I felt comfortable divorcing. I offered my coparent a minimal custody schedule and they agreed with little complaint. I’m sorry, I know how hard it is. If you can tell a trusted friend or family member, do so. It also helped that my therapist frequently reminded me that I was essentially a single parent - this helped me go easier on myself and let some things slide. |
Anonymous
Op here To answer your question about specific grievances, it's actually hard to pin down because she hasn't really expressed being unhappy (other than that one comment about regretting kids). She was never a super hands on parent, but she definitely did more with my eldest when she was younger. One thing that's always been tough is that she doesn't really show physical affection with the girls. But I know that stems from her own childhood environment, her family wasn't affectionate at all, so I understand where that comes from and I don't hold it against her. The biggest issue now is how she actively avoids parenting duties. She consistently stays late at work or goes out with work friends specifically so she misses bedtimes and the eldests clubs. It definitely escalated after our youngest was born, but the avoidance was always there to some degree. I want to be clear: I still love her deeply, and I really want to make this work. I'm not looking to walk away. I just don't know how to bridge this gap and get through to her before her distance seriously impacts our girls emotionally |
Anonymous
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as a couple, you need therapy as a couple and probably apart.
but as a single parent, you need help. A vacation is nice and all, but what help do you have? a babysitter so you aren't rushing from work? Grocery delivery? laundry service? housekeeping? If you can't afford those, do you have some friends/family who can help with the day to day to ease the burnout? |
Anonymous
| This post is very similar situation to my old neighbor, except mom was gone constantly on girls weekends, etc. Kept saying she needed to get her butt home and take care of her two very young kids, but honestly, the dad needed a new wife. |
Anonymous
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Op here
Just wanted to say a huge thank you. Sundays are super busy, so I apologize for not replying to every great comment, but I promise I’ve read and listened to all of them and having this support has been so helpful and grounding. The advice about getting outside help is a really good idea. We can definitely push the budget to get a house cleaner. Taking the mental load of keeping the house off the table might at least remove one layer of stress. For a bit more context on the day to day: I work from home, which means I end up doing most of the "boring" parenting stuff, the school and daycare drop offs, the discipline when it's needed, just the daily grind of keeping them on schedule. Because I handle all the routine stuff, the door is always wide open for her to just step in and be the fun mom. She doesn't even have the hard parts at all she could just do the fun activities and build that bond. I'm just hoping that freeing up some of our time and mental energy will help |
Anonymous
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I think this happens in many families except it's the nanny who picks up the slack. Many kids, especially rich kids, have little to no relationship bond with their parents or one of them.
Your kids are lucky to have you. |
Anonymous
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I'm sorry. Our child just turned ten and my wife went through the first five years in a state similar to what you describe. Tough emotionally-fraught childhood with shi$$y parents that compounded the problems. The PPD become major depressive disorder. Many of the things you describe were symptoms of the depression. At the same time as not wanting to engage (read at bedtime, snuggle, etc.), my wife also beat herself up internally over failing at being a mom. It was a vicious cycle. Her psychiatrist had a two fold approach: medicate and have her explore how horrible her mother was as a role model. The cycle got broken when she got into a ketamine clinic that finally helped her out of the fog of the worst of the depression. She ain't perfect yet but a lot better. She knew something was wrong but couldn't break the cycles, which sounds slightly different than what you describe with your wife. |
Anonymous
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I went through this as a mom. It wasn’t until my youngest was 4 that I really snapped out of it.
What helped me the most was getting alone time to do the things I did before kids. I think people underestimate how much becoming a mother changes your identity, and I had to re-discover myself. I also needed solo time away from the house (being in the house is just a reminder of everything I need to do). What did your wife like to do before kids? Rather than the extreme of a 2 week trip, what if she got a weekend day and maybe a weekend evening to go do whatever she wants to do? |
Anonymous
| Why aren't you married? |