What would be the minimum frequency of sex to stay in your relationship / marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We haven't sex since 2019 and I'm still here.

Same.

This is unfathomable to me. Could you both say a bit more about how this came to be? Age? Are you still attracted to your spouse? Why stay together?

I'm the poster with no sex since 2019. We're no longer attracted to each, and that's mutual.

I'm honestly confused why it's unfathomable. Sex is one aspect of a relationship. Outside of that our relationship is great. The love and support we get from being in the relationship is more important than the lack of sex. I'd rather spend the rest of my life celibate than spend without her. I understand why someone would make a different choice, but I'd most people could grasp the reasons you'd stay.

Don’t feel like you have to defend your stance. The reality is you are in the norm.

Most people who are in loving committed relationship relationships do not throw it all away because sex isn’t good, often, existent.

Obviously, there’s people who put sex above family and love just like there’s people who put money above morality .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We haven't sex since 2019 and I'm still here.

Same.

This is unfathomable to me. Could you both say a bit more about how this came to be? Age? Are you still attracted to your spouse? Why stay together?

It’s unfathomable to me that you would throw away a family, a life, your best friend, your soulmate, you’re everything for sex.

Could you say a little bit more about that?

Do you have daddy issues, were you abused as a child? Any priests in your past?

Do you like the ability to have intimate relationships with without sex?

🙄

Not NP but a relationship without sex is just roommates. Nope, DO NOT WANT. Yuck!

Wow, you have some pretty amazing roommates.

You have children with roommates?
Your roommates go take care of your ailing parents?
Your roommates help pay for half of your kids college?
Your roommates are gonna be there when you’re dying, holding your hand, making life ending decisions?

Is there a company that helps me find these type of roommates cause that sounds amazing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We haven't sex since 2019 and I'm still here.

Same.

This is unfathomable to me. Could you both say a bit more about how this came to be? Age? Are you still attracted to your spouse? Why stay together?

It’s unfathomable to me that you would throw away a family, a life, your best friend, your soulmate, you’re everything for sex.

Could you say a little bit more about that?

Do you have daddy issues, were you abused as a child? Any priests in your past?

Do you like the ability to have intimate relationships with without sex?

🙄

Not NP but a relationship without sex is just roommates. Nope, DO NOT WANT. Yuck!

Roommates generally don't share children, finances, support each other through physical and mental health challenges, etc.

It's fine you don't want it, you should find a partner who also doesn't want it then. But to say "yuck!" to someone else's happy relationship is so childish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once every couple of months in practice. We had some dry spells for many years. But I am much happier now that we do it at least once a month and often weekly. I actually attribute it to cutting down on drinking. Drinking made me too tired and gave him performance issues. Now we can go to bed early after the kids and have a good time.

I do think my DH and I would have sex more often if he drank less. He's not a heavy drinker but it's pretty much every night and I do think it contributes to performance issues. But the real issue is that he is chronically sleep deprived. His commutes awful and he goes to bed too late. I'm okay with pretty minimal sex though. I'd be okay with more, but I'm also fine with what we have, which is very occasional sex.

Like others I just value a lot of other things above sex, which makes me pretty flexible on the issue. On nights we don't have sex (most), I do evening yoga, read a book, and go to bed early. Honestly, it's great -- I still get a physical release, I feel relaxed and happy when I go to sleep. I don't feel as connected to him, but I do feel connected to myself, which has become more important to me in recent years thanks to work and parenting stress. So it's all good.

[Anonymous]

I'm in a long-distance relationship and sometimes we go a month due to scheduling conflicts. It's not ideal. When we do see each other, game on. Last time we had it 4x in 12 hours, which is pretty normal for us. I'm 54, he's 47.

[Anonymous]

We’re in our 60s. Once every six weeks but neither of us seems to enjoy it. It’s painful for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We haven't sex since 2019 and I'm still here.

Heck with that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A third of my married friends (early fifties) haven’t had sex in years.

That’s nucking futs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A third of my married friends (early fifties) haven’t had sex in years.

That’s nucking futs.

That is pretty normal

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We haven't sex since 2019 and I'm still here.

Same.

This is unfathomable to me. Could you both say a bit more about how this came to be? Age? Are you still attracted to your spouse? Why stay together?

I'm the poster with no sex since 2019. We're no longer attracted to each, and that's mutual.

I'm honestly confused why it's unfathomable. Sex is one aspect of a relationship. Outside of that our relationship is great. The love and support we get from being in the relationship is more important than the lack of sex. I'd rather spend the rest of my life celibate than spend without her. I understand why someone would make a different choice, but I'd most people could grasp the reasons you'd stay.

Don’t feel like you have to defend your stance. The reality is you are in the norm.

Most people who are in loving committed relationship relationships do not throw it all away because sex isn’t good, often, existent.

Obviously, there’s people who put sex above family and love just like there’s people who put money above morality .

The judgment from you two is unfortunate. For a LOT of people (speaking as a man, but it seems many women also) sex is a big part of the love and commitment. The degree to which people need sex varies and is individual, and it's pointless to judge one way or another.

Divorcing after years of rejection is not 'throwing it all away' or putting something frivolous 'above family'. Years of rejection is very painful to many.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s reassuring to see so many happy sexless marriages.

I'm glad, I think people should talk about it more. There are lots of marriages where both people's drive declines and sex just tapers off and no one is mad about it.

I'm the person who upthread said we haven't had sex since 2024. It had been tapering off a lot prior to that. But I also want to note we are still very physically affectionate and emotionally intimate. We talked every day, we give back rubs and hugs, we kiss multiple times a day, we talk about deep stuff about hour families, our kids, our careers, and our mental health. We care for each other in other ways (making favorite meals for one another, letting each other sleep in when we have had a rough week, little gifts, etc.). We are very, very important to each other and he's definitely my biggest emotional support right now in life and I his.

We also haven't closed the door on sex. It's just not a priority for either of us right now. We've had other stuff going on. In the evenings, I'd say our biggest priority at the moment is sleep.

Fascinating. We have the relational intimacy (conversations, deep talks, favorite meals, etc.) But we rarely hug, kiss, or give massages outside of foreplay for sex which happens frequently. To me, those things are interrelated. If my husband rubs my back while I’m making dinner, I know definitively he would like to have sex that night.

That's sounds depressing to me. So unless you are having sex that day, there's no physical touching or affection at all? Do you have sex daily or almost daily? Because if it's just once or twice a week, that's so many days without physical affection.

Most of our physical affection is totally separate from our sex life. We hug each other throughout the day as a form of comfort or support. For instance this week we had an issue with our DC that I handled but it was incredibly draining and emotional -- there were lots of hugs over that because DH knew I was going through it. We also kids in the morning and in the evening pretty much every day and these rarely lead to sex. The morning kisses never do. We give back and foot rubs at the end of the day when we're on the couch talking stuff through. This could lead to sex but often doesn't.

I don't think I could have sex more frequently than we do, but I'd be devastated if that meant no physical affection on the days we don't have sex. I feel about physical affection the way some posters on here feel about sex -- it's an essential part of daily life in a relationship, and without it we're just roommates or coworkers.

NP. I have a friend in a happy marriage that has been sexless for at least a decade—her choice. She told me that one of the great things about it is that she knows her DH is being sincerely affectionate when he rubs her back, gives her a hug, or wants to snuggle on the couch. I do envy that. DH and I still have sex twice a week in our fifties, which we both enjoy, but I hate knowing that hugs, etc. virtually always are a signal of his intentions for the evening.

Translation: “I hate knowing that he’s being affectionate because he’s in love with me, is strongly attracted to me, and wants to show it by having sex with me.”

What????

More like I wish he’d be affectionate without any ulterior motive.

As if having sex with his wife is “an ulterior motive”. Insane.

It is when it's the only reason he ever touches her. This is fundamental: women have to feel valued as people to sustain longterm attraction. When women start to feel like their husbands ONLY express an interest in them when they want sex, it feels dehumanizing. You might disagree with that, but it's the reality.

You know how men wouldn't want to feel like a woman married them only for their money, or only for kids? They'd feel used. Even if they are also happy about their income and like being parents! They don't want to feel like they were just a tool for helping someone else accomplish their financial and family planning goals. Well that's how women feel about sex when their husbands ignore them completely except when they want sex. Women like sex too! But we're people, not sex dolls.

It is even worse when the sex itself is not pleasurable and there's no focus on us enjoying it.

It looks like this argument makes complete sense to you and that you don’t see the holes. You are correct that many (most?) women feel that way about sex but you are completely glossing over the toxic relationship effects if her response is to stop having sex. Retaliation is not a constructive relationship strategy. Also, finances are fundamentally different from sex because there is nothing barring either partner from pursuing a better financial outside the marriage. Unfortunately I don’t have a solution to offer you but stopping sex entirely often kills the relationship entirely, so that’s not it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We haven't sex since 2019 and I'm still here.

Same.

This is unfathomable to me. Could you both say a bit more about how this came to be? Age? Are you still attracted to your spouse? Why stay together?

I'm the poster with no sex since 2019. We're no longer attracted to each, and that's mutual.

I'm honestly confused why it's unfathomable. Sex is one aspect of a relationship. Outside of that our relationship is great. The love and support we get from being in the relationship is more important than the lack of sex. I'd rather spend the rest of my life celibate than spend without her. I understand why someone would make a different choice, but I'd most people could grasp the reasons you'd stay.

Don’t feel like you have to defend your stance. The reality is you are in the norm.

Most people who are in loving committed relationship relationships do not throw it all away because sex isn’t good, often, existent.

Obviously, there’s people who put sex above family and love just like there’s people who put money above morality .

The judgment from you two is unfortunate. For a LOT of people (speaking as a man, but it seems many women also) sex is a big part of the love and commitment. The degree to which people need sex varies and is individual, and it's pointless to judge one way or another.

Divorcing after years of rejection is not 'throwing it all away' or putting something frivolous 'above family'. Years of rejection is very painful to many.

The lack of insight from you in unfortunate. Lots of things are a big part of our lives at one point or another and they eventually fade because we age and mature.

The fact you call it “rejection “ makes me understand that you think this has something to do with you and have no concept of the way bodies work.

There is therapy for that, individual… not marriage therapy where you think you can twist your spouse like a pretzel to fit your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s reassuring to see so many happy sexless marriages.

I'm glad, I think people should talk about it more. There are lots of marriages where both people's drive declines and sex just tapers off and no one is mad about it.

I'm the person who upthread said we haven't had sex since 2024. It had been tapering off a lot prior to that. But I also want to note we are still very physically affectionate and emotionally intimate. We talked every day, we give back rubs and hugs, we kiss multiple times a day, we talk about deep stuff about hour families, our kids, our careers, and our mental health. We care for each other in other ways (making favorite meals for one another, letting each other sleep in when we have had a rough week, little gifts, etc.). We are very, very important to each other and he's definitely my biggest emotional support right now in life and I his.

We also haven't closed the door on sex. It's just not a priority for either of us right now. We've had other stuff going on. In the evenings, I'd say our biggest priority at the moment is sleep.

Fascinating. We have the relational intimacy (conversations, deep talks, favorite meals, etc.) But we rarely hug, kiss, or give massages outside of foreplay for sex which happens frequently. To me, those things are interrelated. If my husband rubs my back while I’m making dinner, I know definitively he would like to have sex that night.

That's sounds depressing to me. So unless you are having sex that day, there's no physical touching or affection at all? Do you have sex daily or almost daily? Because if it's just once or twice a week, that's so many days without physical affection.

Most of our physical affection is totally separate from our sex life. We hug each other throughout the day as a form of comfort or support. For instance this week we had an issue with our DC that I handled but it was incredibly draining and emotional -- there were lots of hugs over that because DH knew I was going through it. We also kids in the morning and in the evening pretty much every day and these rarely lead to sex. The morning kisses never do. We give back and foot rubs at the end of the day when we're on the couch talking stuff through. This could lead to sex but often doesn't.

I don't think I could have sex more frequently than we do, but I'd be devastated if that meant no physical affection on the days we don't have sex. I feel about physical affection the way some posters on here feel about sex -- it's an essential part of daily life in a relationship, and without it we're just roommates or coworkers.

NP. I have a friend in a happy marriage that has been sexless for at least a decade—her choice. She told me that one of the great things about it is that she knows her DH is being sincerely affectionate when he rubs her back, gives her a hug, or wants to snuggle on the couch. I do envy that. DH and I still have sex twice a week in our fifties, which we both enjoy, but I hate knowing that hugs, etc. virtually always are a signal of his intentions for the evening.

Translation: “I hate knowing that he’s being affectionate because he’s in love with me, is strongly attracted to me, and wants to show it by having sex with me.”

What????

More like I wish he’d be affectionate without any ulterior motive.

As if having sex with his wife is “an ulterior motive”. Insane.

It is when it's the only reason he ever touches her. This is fundamental: women have to feel valued as people to sustain longterm attraction. When women start to feel like their husbands ONLY express an interest in them when they want sex, it feels dehumanizing. You might disagree with that, but it's the reality.

You know how men wouldn't want to feel like a woman married them only for their money, or only for kids? They'd feel used. Even if they are also happy about their income and like being parents! They don't want to feel like they were just a tool for helping someone else accomplish their financial and family planning goals. Well that's how women feel about sex when their husbands ignore them completely except when they want sex. Women like sex too! But we're people, not sex dolls.

It is even worse when the sex itself is not pleasurable and there's no focus on us enjoying it.

It looks like this argument makes complete sense to you and that you don’t see the holes. You are correct that many (most?) women feel that way about sex but you are completely glossing over the toxic relationship effects if her response is to stop having sex. Retaliation is not a constructive relationship strategy. Also, finances are fundamentally different from sex because there is nothing barring either partner from pursuing a better financial outside the marriage. Unfortunately I don’t have a solution to offer you but stopping sex entirely often kills the relationship entirely, so that’s not it

It’s not “retaliation” to not give access to your body to a person who is only using your body for their own pleasure.

Do you center yourself in every situation.

Unfortunately you seem too steeped in your self to understand there were 100 things that happened to kill the relationship before a men looses access to that body for his own pleasure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A third of my married friends (early fifties) haven’t had sex in years.

That’s nucking futs.

That is pretty normal

women are not meant to be with the same man for more than a decade. I wonder where this will fall as the fall of patriarchy progresses. it’ll take a few hundred more years, but we’re done. our eyes are open.

[Anonymous]

Marriage is inherently a sexual relationship. If both partners do not want sex, then nothing wrong with that as long as they don’t watch porn or indulge in immoral behavior.

And if one partner unilaterally declares the marriage sexless, then in essence they have ended marriage