What would be the minimum frequency of sex to stay in your relationship / marriage?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It’s reassuring to see so many happy sexless marriages.

I'm glad, I think people should talk about it more. There are lots of marriages where both people's drive declines and sex just tapers off and no one is mad about it.

I'm the person who upthread said we haven't had sex since 2024. It had been tapering off a lot prior to that. But I also want to note we are still very physically affectionate and emotionally intimate. We talked every day, we give back rubs and hugs, we kiss multiple times a day, we talk about deep stuff about hour families, our kids, our careers, and our mental health. We care for each other in other ways (making favorite meals for one another, letting each other sleep in when we have had a rough week, little gifts, etc.). We are very, very important to each other and he's definitely my biggest emotional support right now in life and I his.

We also haven't closed the door on sex. It's just not a priority for either of us right now. We've had other stuff going on. In the evenings, I'd say our biggest priority at the moment is sleep.

Fascinating. We have the relational intimacy (conversations, deep talks, favorite meals, etc.) But we rarely hug, kiss, or give massages outside of foreplay for sex which happens frequently. To me, those things are interrelated. If my husband rubs my back while I’m making dinner, I know definitively he would like to have sex that night.

That's sounds depressing to me. So unless you are having sex that day, there's no physical touching or affection at all? Do you have sex daily or almost daily? Because if it's just once or twice a week, that's so many days without physical affection.

Most of our physical affection is totally separate from our sex life. We hug each other throughout the day as a form of comfort or support. For instance this week we had an issue with our DC that I handled but it was incredibly draining and emotional -- there were lots of hugs over that because DH knew I was going through it. We also kids in the morning and in the evening pretty much every day and these rarely lead to sex. The morning kisses never do. We give back and foot rubs at the end of the day when we're on the couch talking stuff through. This could lead to sex but often doesn't.

I don't think I could have sex more frequently than we do, but I'd be devastated if that meant no physical affection on the days we don't have sex. I feel about physical affection the way some posters on here feel about sex -- it's an essential part of daily life in a relationship, and without it we're just roommates or coworkers.

NP. I have a friend in a happy marriage that has been sexless for at least a decade—her choice. She told me that one of the great things about it is that she knows her DH is being sincerely affectionate when he rubs her back, gives her a hug, or wants to snuggle on the couch. I do envy that. DH and I still have sex twice a week in our fifties, which we both enjoy, but I hate knowing that hugs, etc. virtually always are a signal of his intentions for the evening.

Translation: “I hate knowing that he’s being affectionate because he’s in love with me, is strongly attracted to me, and wants to show it by having sex with me.”

What????

More like I wish he’d be affectionate without any ulterior motive.

As if having sex with his wife is “an ulterior motive”. Insane.

It is when it's the only reason he ever touches her. This is fundamental: women have to feel valued as people to sustain longterm attraction. When women start to feel like their husbands ONLY express an interest in them when they want sex, it feels dehumanizing. You might disagree with that, but it's the reality.

You know how men wouldn't want to feel like a woman married them only for their money, or only for kids? They'd feel used. Even if they are also happy about their income and like being parents! They don't want to feel like they were just a tool for helping someone else accomplish their financial and family planning goals. Well that's how women feel about sex when their husbands ignore them completely except when they want sex. Women like sex too! But we're people, not sex dolls.

It is even worse when the sex itself is not pleasurable and there's no focus on us enjoying it.

It looks like this argument makes complete sense to you and that you don’t see the holes. You are correct that many (most?) women feel that way about sex but you are completely glossing over the toxic relationship effects if her response is to stop having sex. Retaliation is not a constructive relationship strategy. Also, finances are fundamentally different from sex because there is nothing barring either partner from pursuing a better financial outside the marriage. Unfortunately I don’t have a solution to offer you but stopping sex entirely often kills the relationship entirely, so that’s not it

It’s not “retaliation” to not give access to your body to a person who is only using your body for their own pleasure.

Do you center yourself in every situation.

Unfortunately you seem too steeped in your self to understand there were 100 things that happened to kill the relationship before a men looses access to that body for his own pleasure.

Tried to lead you to water, but whatever, keep on keeping on and continue to be surprised at where you are.

[Anonymous]

What about the women who say they're menopausal (and are old enough that kids are all grown and gone) but buy and use lots of toys for solo sex while they refuse to touch their husbands? I find that to be BS and just plain mean. If you don't want sex with him, why stick around? It's pretty obvious they're just using their husbands for their income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A third of my married friends (early fifties) haven’t had sex in years.

That’s nucking futs.

That is pretty normal

women are not meant to be with the same man for more than a decade. I wonder where this will fall as the fall of patriarchy progresses. it’ll take a few hundred more years, but we’re done. our eyes are open.

Man here, and we wholeheartedly agree! It's a bright future for my son as this takes hold. I'm advising him to remain fit and earn well. For that cohort, trading to a younger model every 5-10 years is no trouble at all.

[Anonymous]

I can't imagine setting a minimal frequency and I can't imagine a sexless marriage either until health issues the over. We've been married 34 years and we have sex once a week or so and more when we are on vacation and we are really relaxing. PIV has become more painful but I've really mastered my oral and other skills so my husband never complains. Thankfully I usually O so we are both happy.

[Anonymous]

There is so much more to a loving relationship than just sex. If I had frequent sex but was being abused emotionally I'd leave because of the abuse. After 32 years our frequency is down to 2-3 times a month (use to be 2-3 times a week) but I'm fine with that. Since we are empty nesters we can really take our time and not worry about the walls having ears.

[Anonymous]

So many lady posts on here about how the relationship is about SO much more than just sex.

So here's a post from a middle-aged man: a few times a week or it's over. I don't go around saying that, and don't need to. We've talked about it. She knows where I stand. She has her own list of things that's important. I have my list and it's very short, but nonnegotiable.

It would be her decision at this point. I'm not talking about health problems. If she was in radiation therapy or chemo and couldn't, I would be a perfect gentleman about that, be by her side till the end.

I'm talking willingness, not necessarily ability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many lady posts on here about how the relationship is about SO much more than just sex.

So here's a post from a middle-aged man: a few times a week or it's over. I don't go around saying that, and don't need to. We've talked about it. She knows where I stand. She has her own list of things that's important. I have my list and it's very short, but nonnegotiable.

It would be her decision at this point. I'm not talking about health problems. If she was in radiation therapy or chemo and couldn't, I would be a perfect gentleman about that, be by her side till the end.

I'm talking willingness, not necessarily ability.

^Edit: I would much rather have a chronically ill wife who couldn't but would love to, than a smoking hot wife who could but won't.

[Anonymous]

DH had his prostate removed last year and is now on Androgen Deprivation Therapy, so it is non-existent right now. It’s not a deal breaker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s reassuring to see so many happy sexless marriages.

I'm glad, I think people should talk about it more. There are lots of marriages where both people's drive declines and sex just tapers off and no one is mad about it.

I'm the person who upthread said we haven't had sex since 2024. It had been tapering off a lot prior to that. But I also want to note we are still very physically affectionate and emotionally intimate. We talked every day, we give back rubs and hugs, we kiss multiple times a day, we talk about deep stuff about hour families, our kids, our careers, and our mental health. We care for each other in other ways (making favorite meals for one another, letting each other sleep in when we have had a rough week, little gifts, etc.). We are very, very important to each other and he's definitely my biggest emotional support right now in life and I his.

We also haven't closed the door on sex. It's just not a priority for either of us right now. We've had other stuff going on. In the evenings, I'd say our biggest priority at the moment is sleep.

Fascinating. We have the relational intimacy (conversations, deep talks, favorite meals, etc.) But we rarely hug, kiss, or give massages outside of foreplay for sex which happens frequently. To me, those things are interrelated. If my husband rubs my back while I’m making dinner, I know definitively he would like to have sex that night.

That's sounds depressing to me. So unless you are having sex that day, there's no physical touching or affection at all? Do you have sex daily or almost daily? Because if it's just once or twice a week, that's so many days without physical affection.

Most of our physical affection is totally separate from our sex life. We hug each other throughout the day as a form of comfort or support. For instance this week we had an issue with our DC that I handled but it was incredibly draining and emotional -- there were lots of hugs over that because DH knew I was going through it. We also kids in the morning and in the evening pretty much every day and these rarely lead to sex. The morning kisses never do. We give back and foot rubs at the end of the day when we're on the couch talking stuff through. This could lead to sex but often doesn't.

I don't think I could have sex more frequently than we do, but I'd be devastated if that meant no physical affection on the days we don't have sex. I feel about physical affection the way some posters on here feel about sex -- it's an essential part of daily life in a relationship, and without it we're just roommates or coworkers.

NP. I have a friend in a happy marriage that has been sexless for at least a decade—her choice. She told me that one of the great things about it is that she knows her DH is being sincerely affectionate when he rubs her back, gives her a hug, or wants to snuggle on the couch. I do envy that. DH and I still have sex twice a week in our fifties, which we both enjoy, but I hate knowing that hugs, etc. virtually always are a signal of his intentions for the evening.

Translation: “I hate knowing that he’s being affectionate because he’s in love with me, is strongly attracted to me, and wants to show it by having sex with me.”

What????

More like I wish he’d be affectionate without any ulterior motive.

As if having sex with his wife is “an ulterior motive”. Insane.

It is when it's the only reason he ever touches her. This is fundamental: women have to feel valued as people to sustain longterm attraction. When women start to feel like their husbands ONLY express an interest in them when they want sex, it feels dehumanizing. You might disagree with that, but it's the reality.

You know how men wouldn't want to feel like a woman married them only for their money, or only for kids? They'd feel used. Even if they are also happy about their income and like being parents! They don't want to feel like they were just a tool for helping someone else accomplish their financial and family planning goals. Well that's how women feel about sex when their husbands ignore them completely except when they want sex. Women like sex too! But we're people, not sex dolls.

It is even worse when the sex itself is not pleasurable and there's no focus on us enjoying it.

It looks like this argument makes complete sense to you and that you don’t see the holes. You are correct that many (most?) women feel that way about sex but you are completely glossing over the toxic relationship effects if her response is to stop having sex. Retaliation is not a constructive relationship strategy. Also, finances are fundamentally different from sex because there is nothing barring either partner from pursuing a better financial outside the marriage. Unfortunately I don’t have a solution to offer you but stopping sex entirely often kills the relationship entirely, so that’s not it

It’s not “retaliation” to not give access to your body to a person who is only using your body for their own pleasure.

Do you center yourself in every situation.

Unfortunately you seem too steeped in your self to understand there were 100 things that happened to kill the relationship before a men looses access to that body for his own pleasure.

Tried to lead you to water, but whatever, keep on keeping on and continue to be surprised at where you are.

Not open to learning, continue to be surprised why you lack close relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine setting a minimal frequency and I can't imagine a sexless marriage either until health issues the over. We've been married 34 years and we have sex once a week or so and more when we are on vacation and we are really relaxing. PIV has become more painful but I've really mastered my oral and other skills so my husband never complains. Thankfully I usually O so we are both happy.

My DH was very disappointed when I told them that PIV was painful for me. I too have gotten really skilled at alternatives that early in our relationship I thought were verboten. I was a goody two shoes Catholic girl who has definitely seen the light.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about the women who say they're menopausal (and are old enough that kids are all grown and gone) but buy and use lots of toys for solo sex while they refuse to touch their husbands? I find that to be BS and just plain mean. If you don't want sex with him, why stick around? It's pretty obvious they're just using their husbands for their income.

Some of us had to “use” our husbands because he got to have the demanding career he wanted that was incompatible with our 50+ hours/week job. So we stepped back so he could work a demanding job and we could have a less stressful life. The thing is, whether men have the kids or not, they get to lean in to their careers. It’s never a choice for them (unless they actually want to put their family first but I’ve meet maybe 3 men tops in my life who have made this choice). And then high earners become complete d***s and think they can gain weight because they make big bucks and somehow that wife they don’t GAF about doesn’t want to f them. Poor wittle snowflakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A third of my married friends (early fifties) haven’t had sex in years.

That’s nucking futs.

That is pretty normal

women are not meant to be with the same man for more than a decade. I wonder where this will fall as the fall of patriarchy progresses. it’ll take a few hundred more years, but we’re done. our eyes are open.

Man here, and we wholeheartedly agree! It's a bright future for my son as this takes hold. I'm advising him to remain fit and earn well. For that cohort, trading to a younger model every 5-10 years is no trouble at all.

Except that’s not how it’s going to work. Women now understand men have very little to give. Most are mediocre in bed, earn the same as women (before kids, anyway), and are psychologically and relationally stunted. It’s women who will be doing all of the choosing, as nature intended. Staying fit will help your son, but being a better person will get him the rest of the way there. You sound like an incel raising a complete tw*t.

[Anonymous]

But PP, YOU agreed to that, knowing full well that you were putting yourself into a disadvantaged position. Now you don't like the consequence, which is that you're easily disposable and replaceable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A third of my married friends (early fifties) haven’t had sex in years.

That’s nucking futs.

That is pretty normal

women are not meant to be with the same man for more than a decade. I wonder where this will fall as the fall of patriarchy progresses. it’ll take a few hundred more years, but we’re done. our eyes are open.

Man here, and we wholeheartedly agree! It's a bright future for my son as this takes hold. I'm advising him to remain fit and earn well. For that cohort, trading to a younger model every 5-10 years is no trouble at all.

Except that’s not how it’s going to work. Women now understand men have very little to give. Most are mediocre in bed, earn the same as women (before kids, anyway), and are psychologically and relationally stunted. It’s women who will be doing all of the choosing, as nature intended. Staying fit will help your son, but being a better person will get him the rest of the way there. You sound like an incel raising a complete tw*t.

Yah, not sure why you're bitter about men playing along by the rules of the game you established.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine setting a minimal frequency and I can't imagine a sexless marriage either until health issues the over. We've been married 34 years and we have sex once a week or so and more when we are on vacation and we are really relaxing. PIV has become more painful but I've really mastered my oral and other skills so my husband never complains. Thankfully I usually O so we are both happy.

My DH was very disappointed when I told them that PIV was painful for me. I too have gotten really skilled at alternatives that early in our relationship I thought were verboten. I was a goody two shoes Catholic girl who has definitely seen the light.

The nuns at my Catholic high school would damn me for my current behavior. Sex was for procreation and the missionary position. I'm done with procreation and the missionary position is just one of many! Given how few nuns there are today they must have seen the light.