Reply to What would be the minimum frequency of sex to stay in your relationship / marriage?

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "What would be the minimum frequency of sex to stay in your relationship / marriage?"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It’s reassuring to see so many happy sexless marriages.[/quote]

I'm glad, I think people should talk about it more. There are lots of marriages where both people's drive declines and sex just tapers off and no one is mad about it.

I'm the person who upthread said we haven't had sex since 2024. It had been tapering off a lot prior to that. But I also want to note we are still very physically affectionate and emotionally intimate. We talked every day, we give back rubs and hugs, we kiss multiple times a day, we talk about deep stuff about hour families, our kids, our careers, and our mental health. We care for each other in other ways (making favorite meals for one another, letting each other sleep in when we have had a rough week, little gifts, etc.). We are very, very important to each other and he's definitely my biggest emotional support right now in life and I his.

We also haven't closed the door on sex. It's just not a priority for either of us right now. We've had other stuff going on. In the evenings, I'd say our biggest priority at the moment is sleep.[/quote]

Fascinating. We have the relational intimacy (conversations, deep talks, favorite meals, etc.) But we rarely hug, kiss, or give massages outside of foreplay for sex which happens frequently. To me, those things are interrelated. If my husband rubs my back while I’m making dinner, I know definitively he would like to have sex that  night.[/quote]

That's sounds depressing to me. So unless you are having sex that day, there's no physical touching or affection at all? Do you have sex daily or almost daily? Because if it's just once or twice a week, that's so many days without physical affection.

Most of our physical affection is totally separate from our sex life. We hug each other throughout the day as a form of comfort or support. For instance this week we had an issue with our DC that I handled but it was incredibly draining and emotional -- there were lots of hugs over that because DH knew I was going through it. We also kids in the morning and in the evening pretty much every day and these rarely lead to sex. The morning kisses never do. We give back and foot rubs at the end of the day when we're on the couch talking stuff through. This could lead to sex but often doesn't.

I don't think I could have sex more frequently than we do, but I'd be devastated if that meant no physical affection on the days we don't have sex. I feel about physical affection the way some posters on here feel about sex -- it's an essential part of daily life in a relationship, and without it we're just roommates or coworkers.[/quote]
NP. I have a friend in a happy marriage that has been sexless for at least a decade—her choice. She told me that one of the great things about it is that she knows her DH is being sincerely affectionate when he rubs her back, gives her a hug, or wants to snuggle on the couch.  I do envy that. DH and I still have sex twice a week in our fifties, which we both enjoy, but I hate knowing that hugs, etc. virtually always are a signal of his intentions for the evening.[/quote]

Translation: “I hate knowing that he’s being affectionate because he’s in love with me, is strongly attracted to me, and wants to show it by having sex with me.”

What????[/quote]
More like I wish he’d be affectionate without any ulterior motive. [/quote]

As if having sex with his wife is “an ulterior motive”. Insane.[/quote]

It is when it's the only reason he ever touches her. This is fundamental: women have to feel valued as people to sustain longterm attraction. When women start to feel like their husbands ONLY express an interest in them when they want sex, it feels dehumanizing. You might disagree with that, but it's the reality.

You know how men wouldn't want to feel like a woman married them only for their money, or only for kids? They'd feel used. Even if they are also happy about their income and like being parents! They don't want to feel like they were just a tool for helping someone else accomplish their financial and family planning goals. Well that's how women feel about sex when their husbands ignore them completely except when they want sex. Women like sex too! But we're people, not sex dolls.

It is even worse when the sex itself is not pleasurable and there's no focus on us enjoying it. [/quote]

It looks like this argument makes complete sense to you and that you don’t see the holes. You are correct that many (most?) women feel that way about sex but you are completely glossing over the toxic relationship effects if her response is to stop having sex. Retaliation is not a constructive relationship strategy. Also, finances are fundamentally different from sex because there is nothing barring either partner from pursuing a better financial outside the marriage. Unfortunately I don’t have a solution to offer you but stopping sex entirely often kills the relationship entirely, so that’s not it
[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics