What would be the minimum frequency of sex to stay in your relationship / marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many lady posts on here about how the relationship is about SO much more than just sex.

So here's a post from a middle-aged man: a few times a week or it's over. I don't go around saying that, and don't need to. We've talked about it. She knows where I stand. She has her own list of things that's important. I have my list and it's very short, but nonnegotiable.

It would be her decision at this point. I'm not talking about health problems. If she was in radiation therapy or chemo and couldn't, I would be a perfect gentleman about that, be by her side till the end.

I'm talking willingness, not necessarily ability.

Willing to throw away a lifetime relationship for sex?

Is she willing to throw away a lifetime relationship to maintain no sex?

Cuts both ways.

Having sex with a woman who doesn’t want to is disgusting. It doesn’t cut both ways. You’re sticking your body part into somebody who doesn’t want it there.

But that's the job! So all these people are "quiet quitting" their marriages...

Unless your marriage vows included regular sex in perpetuity, it's not the job.

In fact it's not a job at all, it's a commitment. If the circumstances change enough that one or both people are miserable, maybe get divorced. But lots of marriages get to the point where sex is rare or even non-existent and they choose to stay married. Also surveys indicate that money issues and communication problems are the leading causes of divorce, not lack of sex. If you have great communication and no money issues, you probably won't throw out the marriage just because you don't get as much sex as you want. You might try to negotiate an open marriage but tbh most people are too lazy for that.

Sex is part of the marriage vows. If sex is not important to the marriage, then why can’t the partner who wants more sex just sleep around at will? Why do they need permission or an “open marriage?” You can’t say sex is not important but infidelity is.

what marriage vows did you take?

Most marriages vows talk about fidelity, loyalty, faithfulness- what did you think they are talking about?

That just means you won't have sex with someone else. Do you think "loyalty" means having sex even when you don't want to? You are in the minority.

Marriage vows also usually say "in sickness and in health" and getting older and losing interest in sex is a health issue for most women. So is painful sex due to childbirth and menopause.

If your expectation is that marriage without sex is totally unacceptable, you need to make that an explicit part of the marriage vows/agreement with your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many lady posts on here about how the relationship is about SO much more than just sex.

So here's a post from a middle-aged man: a few times a week or it's over. I don't go around saying that, and don't need to. We've talked about it. She knows where I stand. She has her own list of things that's important. I have my list and it's very short, but nonnegotiable.

It would be her decision at this point. I'm not talking about health problems. If she was in radiation therapy or chemo and couldn't, I would be a perfect gentleman about that, be by her side till the end.

I'm talking willingness, not necessarily ability.

What are you doing consistently to be someone she wants to have sex with multiple times a week?

My husband is so generous in bed to meet my needs it’s hard to say no. I can’t handle PIV more than once a week but there are a few other things that are just as good if not better and I always take care of him.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on the circumstances. If my partner couldn’t or didn’t have any drive due to an injury or disease process, I’d be pretty forgiving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many lady posts on here about how the relationship is about SO much more than just sex.

So here's a post from a middle-aged man: a few times a week or it's over. I don't go around saying that, and don't need to. We've talked about it. She knows where I stand. She has her own list of things that's important. I have my list and it's very short, but nonnegotiable.

It would be her decision at this point. I'm not talking about health problems. If she was in radiation therapy or chemo and couldn't, I would be a perfect gentleman about that, be by her side till the end.

I'm talking willingness, not necessarily ability.

What are you doing consistently to be someone she wants to have sex with multiple times a week?

I'm the PP: She is a SAHM (her choice) and also has a small home business, which I support 100%. She is a very hard worker. For my part: I make 99.5% of the money (however I do think her business will grow), take care of all house maintenance and car maintenance, cook several meals per week, do a lot of the sports and activities practice shuffling for our 5 kids, give lots of foot and head rubs, and also stay very fit. She's a gym rat, too. Also, I'm not an @$$shole. If this sounds like a very full week, it is.

There are things that would compete for time that I don't do, and she said she is hugely appreciative of this. I don't play video games. I don't watch sports (except during baseball playoffs to bond with my son). I don't watch TV generally except with her. I rarely drink. I don't play golf. I don't "hang out" with the guys like I'm 19.

Basically, I try to put her at the gravitational center of my life and I expect that she puts out in return. Fair play I think. She's happy too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many lady posts on here about how the relationship is about SO much more than just sex.

So here's a post from a middle-aged man: a few times a week or it's over. I don't go around saying that, and don't need to. We've talked about it. She knows where I stand. She has her own list of things that's important. I have my list and it's very short, but nonnegotiable.

It would be her decision at this point. I'm not talking about health problems. If she was in radiation therapy or chemo and couldn't, I would be a perfect gentleman about that, be by her side till the end.

I'm talking willingness, not necessarily ability.

What are you doing consistently to be someone she wants to have sex with multiple times a week?

I'm the PP: She is a SAHM (her choice) and also has a small home business, which I support 100%. She is a very hard worker. For my part: I make 99.5% of the money (however I do think her business will grow), take care of all house maintenance and car maintenance, cook several meals per week, do a lot of the sports and activities practice shuffling for our 5 kids, give lots of foot and head rubs, and also stay very fit. She's a gym rat, too. Also, I'm not an @$$shole. If this sounds like a very full week, it is.

There are things that would compete for time that I don't do, and she said she is hugely appreciative of this. I don't play video games. I don't watch sports (except during baseball playoffs to bond with my son). I don't watch TV generally except with her. I rarely drink. I don't play golf. I don't "hang out" with the guys like I'm 19.

Basically, I try to put her at the gravitational center of my life and I expect that she puts out in return. Fair play I think. She's happy too.

^Also forgot to add (just saw another poster alluded to this): I always make sure she comes first. ALWAYS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many lady posts on here about how the relationship is about SO much more than just sex.

So here's a post from a middle-aged man: a few times a week or it's over. I don't go around saying that, and don't need to. We've talked about it. She knows where I stand. She has her own list of things that's important. I have my list and it's very short, but nonnegotiable.

It would be her decision at this point. I'm not talking about health problems. If she was in radiation therapy or chemo and couldn't, I would be a perfect gentleman about that, be by her side till the end.

I'm talking willingness, not necessarily ability.

Willing to throw away a lifetime relationship for sex?

Is she willing to throw away a lifetime relationship to maintain no sex?

Cuts both ways.

Having sex with a woman who doesn’t want to is disgusting. It doesn’t cut both ways. You’re sticking your body part into somebody who doesn’t want it there.

But that's the job! So all these people are "quiet quitting" their marriages...

Unless your marriage vows included regular sex in perpetuity, it's not the job.

In fact it's not a job at all, it's a commitment. If the circumstances change enough that one or both people are miserable, maybe get divorced. But lots of marriages get to the point where sex is rare or even non-existent and they choose to stay married. Also surveys indicate that money issues and communication problems are the leading causes of divorce, not lack of sex. If you have great communication and no money issues, you probably won't throw out the marriage just because you don't get as much sex as you want. You might try to negotiate an open marriage but tbh most people are too lazy for that.

Sex is part of the marriage vows. If sex is not important to the marriage, then why can’t the partner who wants more sex just sleep around at will? Why do they need permission or an “open marriage?” You can’t say sex is not important but infidelity is.

what marriage vows did you take?

Most marriages vows talk about fidelity, loyalty, faithfulness- what did you think they are talking about?

That just means you won't have sex with someone else. Do you think "loyalty" means having sex even when you don't want to? You are in the minority.

Marriage vows also usually say "in sickness and in health" and getting older and losing interest in sex is a health issue for most women. So is painful sex due to childbirth and menopause.

If your expectation is that marriage without sex is totally unacceptable, you need to make that an explicit part of the marriage vows/agreement with your spouse.

So they are, in fact, about having sex. I don’t know if you are being purposefully obtuse or what and I really don’t have a dog in this fight.

But it is worth pointing out that if sexual fidelity is important, than that means sex in general is important. And being unable to engage in sexual relations because of a health issue is far different from declining to have sex because of resentment or grievances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many lady posts on here about how the relationship is about SO much more than just sex.

So here's a post from a middle-aged man: a few times a week or it's over. I don't go around saying that, and don't need to. We've talked about it. She knows where I stand. She has her own list of things that's important. I have my list and it's very short, but nonnegotiable.

It would be her decision at this point. I'm not talking about health problems. If she was in radiation therapy or chemo and couldn't, I would be a perfect gentleman about that, be by her side till the end.

I'm talking willingness, not necessarily ability.

Willing to throw away a lifetime relationship for sex?

Is she willing to throw away a lifetime relationship to maintain no sex?

Cuts both ways.

Having sex with a woman who doesn’t want to is disgusting. It doesn’t cut both ways. You’re sticking your body part into somebody who doesn’t want it there.

But that's the job! So all these people are "quiet quitting" their marriages...

Unless your marriage vows included regular sex in perpetuity, it's not the job.

In fact it's not a job at all, it's a commitment. If the circumstances change enough that one or both people are miserable, maybe get divorced. But lots of marriages get to the point where sex is rare or even non-existent and they choose to stay married. Also surveys indicate that money issues and communication problems are the leading causes of divorce, not lack of sex. If you have great communication and no money issues, you probably won't throw out the marriage just because you don't get as much sex as you want. You might try to negotiate an open marriage but tbh most people are too lazy for that.

Sex is part of the marriage vows. If sex is not important to the marriage, then why can’t the partner who wants more sex just sleep around at will? Why do they need permission or an “open marriage?” You can’t say sex is not important but infidelity is.

what marriage vows did you take?

Most marriages vows talk about fidelity, loyalty, faithfulness- what did you think they are talking about?

That just means you won't have sex with someone else. Do you think "loyalty" means having sex even when you don't want to? You are in the minority.

Marriage vows also usually say "in sickness and in health" and getting older and losing interest in sex is a health issue for most women. So is painful sex due to childbirth and menopause.

If your expectation is that marriage without sex is totally unacceptable, you need to make that an explicit part of the marriage vows/agreement with your spouse.

So they are, in fact, about having sex. I don’t know if you are being purposefully obtuse or what and I really don’t have a dog in this fight.

But it is worth pointing out that if sexual fidelity is important, than that means sex in general is important. And being unable to engage in sexual relations because of a health issue is far different from declining to have sex because of resentment or grievances.

DP, but this is accurate and consistent with any lucid and historical definition of marriage. If you try to diminish fidelity to "doesn't have sex with other people" then you are left with only control and manipulation. Which is very, very common.

The true understanding of fidelity is that "we provide sex only for each other". If you aren't willing to provide sex you are unfaithful.

[Anonymous]

There is no marital obligation to have sex when you don't want to. There used to be, but then states changed rape laws to include nonconsensual sex even within a marriage. Also with the advent of no-fault divorce, there are no longer laws about "conjugal alienation". Even in states with at fault divorce, you will not find courts granting divorces on the basis of one partner refusing to have sex with the other. This is not how it works anymore. People get to decided whether they want to have sex and there's no legal obligation to do it, even with your spouse.

You can have the expectation that your partner have sex with you at a certain frequency all through your marriage, just like you can have the expectation that your partner earn a certain amount of money within your marriage. But it's not legally required, and if you become dissatisfied you can't compel your spouse to do what you want by pointing to your marriage vows.

You can cry about this is you want but the mature thing to do is just discuss your expectations with any potential marriage partner and don't get married unless you are on the same page. And also prepare to get divorced if their attitude changes and diverges from yours, which happens because it's very hard for someone at age 30 to predict what their sex drive will look like at 50. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no marital obligation to have sex when you don't want to. There used to be, but then states changed rape laws to include nonconsensual sex even within a marriage. Also with the advent of no-fault divorce, there are no longer laws about "conjugal alienation". Even in states with at fault divorce, you will not find courts granting divorces on the basis of one partner refusing to have sex with the other. This is not how it works anymore. People get to decided whether they want to have sex and there's no legal obligation to do it, even with your spouse.

You can have the expectation that your partner have sex with you at a certain frequency all through your marriage, just like you can have the expectation that your partner earn a certain amount of money within your marriage. But it's not legally required, and if you become dissatisfied you can't compel your spouse to do what you want by pointing to your marriage vows.

You can cry about this is you want but the mature thing to do is just discuss your expectations with any potential marriage partner and don't get married unless you are on the same page. And also prepare to get divorced if their attitude changes and diverges from yours, which happens because it's very hard for someone at age 30 to predict what their sex drive will look like at 50. Good luck to you.

No shit. No one was saying it's the law. That's common knowledge. The context here is "what is a reasonable obligation for moral behavior in a traditional marriage". But yah, you can do anything you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no marital obligation to have sex when you don't want to. There used to be, but then states changed rape laws to include nonconsensual sex even within a marriage. Also with the advent of no-fault divorce, there are no longer laws about "conjugal alienation". Even in states with at fault divorce, you will not find courts granting divorces on the basis of one partner refusing to have sex with the other. This is not how it works anymore. People get to decided whether they want to have sex and there's no legal obligation to do it, even with your spouse.

You can have the expectation that your partner have sex with you at a certain frequency all through your marriage, just like you can have the expectation that your partner earn a certain amount of money within your marriage. But it's not legally required, and if you become dissatisfied you can't compel your spouse to do what you want by pointing to your marriage vows.

You can cry about this is you want but the mature thing to do is just discuss your expectations with any potential marriage partner and don't get married unless you are on the same page. And also prepare to get divorced if their attitude changes and diverges from yours, which happens because it's very hard for someone at age 30 to predict what their sex drive will look like at 50. Good luck to you.

No shit. No one was saying it's the law. That's common knowledge. The context here is "what is a reasonable obligation for moral behavior in a traditional marriage". But yah, you can do anything you want.

Our laws reflect our morality.

It used to be legal to rape your wife or to divorce her because she wouldn't have sex with you. That is no longer the case, because our society no longer views it as immoral for a person to refuse to have sex with their spouse.

Some of you are simply behind the times. We live in a culture that takes domestic abuse seriously (including marital rape), at least on paper, and where most people can get divorced whenever they want for whatever reason. That means you can no longer have strict expectations for what your spouse is going to do for you. Regarding sex or housework or money or anything (childcare and support being an exception because there are legal obligations by all parents to support and care for their kids, and spouses and former spouses can actually enforce those obligations if their parent or ex is failing to meet them). All you can do is negotiate directly with your spouse, do your best to work it out, and if you can't, you get divorced and see if you can find someone else who will strike a better deal with you.

I can see from the comments in this thread that this is pretty annoying to some of you who long for the days when you could force your wife to have sex with you. My suggestion to those posters is therapy. It's the only way you will ever figure out what to do with your control issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no marital obligation to have sex when you don't want to. There used to be, but then states changed rape laws to include nonconsensual sex even within a marriage. Also with the advent of no-fault divorce, there are no longer laws about "conjugal alienation". Even in states with at fault divorce, you will not find courts granting divorces on the basis of one partner refusing to have sex with the other. This is not how it works anymore. People get to decided whether they want to have sex and there's no legal obligation to do it, even with your spouse.

You can have the expectation that your partner have sex with you at a certain frequency all through your marriage, just like you can have the expectation that your partner earn a certain amount of money within your marriage. But it's not legally required, and if you become dissatisfied you can't compel your spouse to do what you want by pointing to your marriage vows.

You can cry about this is you want but the mature thing to do is just discuss your expectations with any potential marriage partner and don't get married unless you are on the same page. And also prepare to get divorced if their attitude changes and diverges from yours, which happens because it's very hard for someone at age 30 to predict what their sex drive will look like at 50. Good luck to you.

No shit. No one was saying it's the law. That's common knowledge. The context here is "what is a reasonable obligation for moral behavior in a traditional marriage". But yah, you can do anything you want.

Our laws reflect our morality.

It used to be legal to rape your wife or to divorce her because she wouldn't have sex with you. That is no longer the case, because our society no longer views it as immoral for a person to refuse to have sex with their spouse.

Some of you are simply behind the times. We live in a culture that takes domestic abuse seriously (including marital rape), at least on paper, and where most people can get divorced whenever they want for whatever reason. That means you can no longer have strict expectations for what your spouse is going to do for you. Regarding sex or housework or money or anything (childcare and support being an exception because there are legal obligations by all parents to support and care for their kids, and spouses and former spouses can actually enforce those obligations if their parent or ex is failing to meet them). All you can do is negotiate directly with your spouse, do your best to work it out, and if you can't, you get divorced and see if you can find someone else who will strike a better deal with you.

I can see from the comments in this thread that this is pretty annoying to some of you who long for the days when you could force your wife to have sex with you. My suggestion to those posters is therapy. It's the only way you will ever figure out what to do with your control issues.

You put forward a lot of premises that are not accepted by society writ large. Laws reflect the morality of lawmakers. Most of society is left out of this process. I read nowhere on this thread where anyone is longing to rape anyone. That is a red herring. The whole conversation was around reasonable obligation within marriage. After which your poor mind did a word association match to bring out the fact that you completed 2L Family Law pass/fail. God lawyers are boring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many lady posts on here about how the relationship is about SO much more than just sex.

So here's a post from a middle-aged man: a few times a week or it's over. I don't go around saying that, and don't need to. We've talked about it. She knows where I stand. She has her own list of things that's important. I have my list and it's very short, but nonnegotiable.

It would be her decision at this point. I'm not talking about health problems. If she was in radiation therapy or chemo and couldn't, I would be a perfect gentleman about that, be by her side till the end.

I'm talking willingness, not necessarily ability.

What are you doing consistently to be someone she wants to have sex with multiple times a week?

I'm the PP: She is a SAHM (her choice) and also has a small home business, which I support 100%. She is a very hard worker. For my part: I make 99.5% of the money (however I do think her business will grow), take care of all house maintenance and car maintenance, cook several meals per week, do a lot of the sports and activities practice shuffling for our 5 kids, give lots of foot and head rubs, and also stay very fit. She's a gym rat, too. Also, I'm not an @$$shole. If this sounds like a very full week, it is.

There are things that would compete for time that I don't do, and she said she is hugely appreciative of this. I don't play video games. I don't watch sports (except during baseball playoffs to bond with my son). I don't watch TV generally except with her. I rarely drink. I don't play golf. I don't "hang out" with the guys like I'm 19.

Basically, I try to put her at the gravitational center of my life and I expect that she puts out in return. Fair play I think. She's happy too.

Your wife does NOT sound easily replaceable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many lady posts on here about how the relationship is about SO much more than just sex.

So here's a post from a middle-aged man: a few times a week or it's over. I don't go around saying that, and don't need to. We've talked about it. She knows where I stand. She has her own list of things that's important. I have my list and it's very short, but nonnegotiable.

It would be her decision at this point. I'm not talking about health problems. If she was in radiation therapy or chemo and couldn't, I would be a perfect gentleman about that, be by her side till the end.

I'm talking willingness, not necessarily ability.

What are you doing consistently to be someone she wants to have sex with multiple times a week?

I'm the PP: She is a SAHM (her choice) and also has a small home business, which I support 100%. She is a very hard worker. For my part: I make 99.5% of the money (however I do think her business will grow), take care of all house maintenance and car maintenance, cook several meals per week, do a lot of the sports and activities practice shuffling for our 5 kids, give lots of foot and head rubs, and also stay very fit. She's a gym rat, too. Also, I'm not an @$$shole. If this sounds like a very full week, it is.

There are things that would compete for time that I don't do, and she said she is hugely appreciative of this. I don't play video games. I don't watch sports (except during baseball playoffs to bond with my son). I don't watch TV generally except with her. I rarely drink. I don't play golf. I don't "hang out" with the guys like I'm 19.

Basically, I try to put her at the gravitational center of my life and I expect that she puts out in return. Fair play I think. She's happy too.

Your wife does NOT sound easily replaceable.

I agree 100%. But all her great traits + unwilling to have sex would make her replaceable. I don't think that's ever going to happen. I'm not easily replaceable either. But if I willingly refused to earn a living and let us descend into poverty because I wanted to "find myself" on a beach somewhere, I think she'd start looking at options.

[Anonymous]

For the first time in our very long marriage we have not had sex in a very long time....many months. Other than that our marriage is exactly the same and very good. Sex is not so important to me that I'm going to complain or nag him. We are both retired and we are together a lot and definitely every evening so the odds of him having an affair are very low. If he wanted to have sex again I'd be all for it and I'd do my best to remind him what he has been missing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the first time in our very long marriage we have not had sex in a very long time....many months. Other than that our marriage is exactly the same and very good. Sex is not so important to me that I'm going to complain or nag him. We are both retired and we are together a lot and definitely every evening so the odds of him having an affair are very low. If he wanted to have sex again I'd be all for it and I'd do my best to remind him what he has been missing!

He may be thinking the same thing. Come on to him. I bet you'll spark something that will take you from very good --> amazing.

Been there, done that, glad I did.