What would be the minimum frequency of sex to stay in your relationship / marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We haven't sex since 2019 and I'm still here.

Same.

This is unfathomable to me. Could you both say a bit more about how this came to be? Age? Are you still attracted to your spouse? Why stay together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s reassuring to see so many happy sexless marriages.

I'm glad, I think people should talk about it more. There are lots of marriages where both people's drive declines and sex just tapers off and no one is mad about it.

I'm the person who upthread said we haven't had sex since 2024. It had been tapering off a lot prior to that. But I also want to note we are still very physically affectionate and emotionally intimate. We talked every day, we give back rubs and hugs, we kiss multiple times a day, we talk about deep stuff about hour families, our kids, our careers, and our mental health. We care for each other in other ways (making favorite meals for one another, letting each other sleep in when we have had a rough week, little gifts, etc.). We are very, very important to each other and he's definitely my biggest emotional support right now in life and I his.

We also haven't closed the door on sex. It's just not a priority for either of us right now. We've had other stuff going on. In the evenings, I'd say our biggest priority at the moment is sleep.

Fascinating. We have the relational intimacy (conversations, deep talks, favorite meals, etc.) But we rarely hug, kiss, or give massages outside of foreplay for sex which happens frequently. To me, those things are interrelated. If my husband rubs my back while I’m making dinner, I know definitively he would like to have sex that night.

That's sounds depressing to me. So unless you are having sex that day, there's no physical touching or affection at all? Do you have sex daily or almost daily? Because if it's just once or twice a week, that's so many days without physical affection.

Most of our physical affection is totally separate from our sex life. We hug each other throughout the day as a form of comfort or support. For instance this week we had an issue with our DC that I handled but it was incredibly draining and emotional -- there were lots of hugs over that because DH knew I was going through it. We also kids in the morning and in the evening pretty much every day and these rarely lead to sex. The morning kisses never do. We give back and foot rubs at the end of the day when we're on the couch talking stuff through. This could lead to sex but often doesn't.

I don't think I could have sex more frequently than we do, but I'd be devastated if that meant no physical affection on the days we don't have sex. I feel about physical affection the way some posters on here feel about sex -- it's an essential part of daily life in a relationship, and without it we're just roommates or coworkers.

NP. I have a friend in a happy marriage that has been sexless for at least a decade—her choice. She told me that one of the great things about it is that she knows her DH is being sincerely affectionate when he rubs her back, gives her a hug, or wants to snuggle on the couch. I do envy that. DH and I still have sex twice a week in our fifties, which we both enjoy, but I hate knowing that hugs, etc. virtually always are a signal of his intentions for the evening.

Translation: “I hate knowing that he’s being affectionate because he’s in love with me, is strongly attracted to me, and wants to show it by having sex with me.”

What????

More like I wish he’d be affectionate without any ulterior motive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s reassuring to see so many happy sexless marriages.

I'm glad, I think people should talk about it more. There are lots of marriages where both people's drive declines and sex just tapers off and no one is mad about it.

I'm the person who upthread said we haven't had sex since 2024. It had been tapering off a lot prior to that. But I also want to note we are still very physically affectionate and emotionally intimate. We talked every day, we give back rubs and hugs, we kiss multiple times a day, we talk about deep stuff about hour families, our kids, our careers, and our mental health. We care for each other in other ways (making favorite meals for one another, letting each other sleep in when we have had a rough week, little gifts, etc.). We are very, very important to each other and he's definitely my biggest emotional support right now in life and I his.

We also haven't closed the door on sex. It's just not a priority for either of us right now. We've had other stuff going on. In the evenings, I'd say our biggest priority at the moment is sleep.

Fascinating. We have the relational intimacy (conversations, deep talks, favorite meals, etc.) But we rarely hug, kiss, or give massages outside of foreplay for sex which happens frequently. To me, those things are interrelated. If my husband rubs my back while I’m making dinner, I know definitively he would like to have sex that night.

That's sounds depressing to me. So unless you are having sex that day, there's no physical touching or affection at all? Do you have sex daily or almost daily? Because if it's just once or twice a week, that's so many days without physical affection.

Most of our physical affection is totally separate from our sex life. We hug each other throughout the day as a form of comfort or support. For instance this week we had an issue with our DC that I handled but it was incredibly draining and emotional -- there were lots of hugs over that because DH knew I was going through it. We also kids in the morning and in the evening pretty much every day and these rarely lead to sex. The morning kisses never do. We give back and foot rubs at the end of the day when we're on the couch talking stuff through. This could lead to sex but often doesn't.

I don't think I could have sex more frequently than we do, but I'd be devastated if that meant no physical affection on the days we don't have sex. I feel about physical affection the way some posters on here feel about sex -- it's an essential part of daily life in a relationship, and without it we're just roommates or coworkers.

NP. I have a friend in a happy marriage that has been sexless for at least a decade—her choice. She told me that one of the great things about it is that she knows her DH is being sincerely affectionate when he rubs her back, gives her a hug, or wants to snuggle on the couch. I do envy that. DH and I still have sex twice a week in our fifties, which we both enjoy, but I hate knowing that hugs, etc. virtually always are a signal of his intentions for the evening.

Translation: “I hate knowing that he’s being affectionate because he’s in love with me, is strongly attracted to me, and wants to show it by having sex with me.”

What????

More like I wish he’d be affectionate without any ulterior motive.

As if having sex with his wife is “an ulterior motive”. Insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We haven't sex since 2019 and I'm still here.

Same.

This is unfathomable to me. Could you both say a bit more about how this came to be? Age? Are you still attracted to your spouse? Why stay together?

NP, but my DH had to start taking medicine that dramatically decreased his drive and increased his weight by 75 pounds.

This is at the same time I was going through menopause. Attempted intimacy almost knocked me out from the pain.

People get older. Life changes. That's why they put that through sickness and in health phrase in traditional wedding vows.

We are almost 70 now. Priorities have changed.

[Anonymous]

Bare minimum, once a week but I would not be happy with that. Not at all. It still shows almost complete lack of interest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We haven't sex since 2019 and I'm still here.

Same.

This is unfathomable to me. Could you both say a bit more about how this came to be? Age? Are you still attracted to your spouse? Why stay together?

It’s unfathomable to me that you would throw away a family, a life, your best friend, your soulmate, you’re everything for sex.

Could you say a little bit more about that?

Do you have daddy issues, were you abused as a child? Any priests in your past?

Do you like the ability to have intimate relationships with without sex?

[Anonymous]

My refractory period is about 5 -7 days so can do “it” more often than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We haven't sex since 2019 and I'm still here.

Same.

This is unfathomable to me. Could you both say a bit more about how this came to be? Age? Are you still attracted to your spouse? Why stay together?

It’s unfathomable to me that you would throw away a family, a life, your best friend, your soulmate, you’re everything for sex.

Could you say a little bit more about that?

Do you have daddy issues, were you abused as a child? Any priests in your past?

Do you like the ability to have intimate relationships with without sex?

🙄

[Anonymous]

Once every couple of months in practice. We had some dry spells for many years. But I am much happier now that we do it at least once a month and often weekly. I actually attribute it to cutting down on drinking. Drinking made me too tired and gave him performance issues. Now we can go to bed early after the kids and have a good time.

[Anonymous]

Could not do a sexless marriage. Nope, no way. A few times a month minimum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We haven't sex since 2019 and I'm still here.

Same.

This is unfathomable to me. Could you both say a bit more about how this came to be? Age? Are you still attracted to your spouse? Why stay together?

It’s unfathomable to me that you would throw away a family, a life, your best friend, your soulmate, you’re everything for sex.

Could you say a little bit more about that?

Do you have daddy issues, were you abused as a child? Any priests in your past?

Do you like the ability to have intimate relationships with without sex?

🙄

Not NP but a relationship without sex is just roommates. Nope, DO NOT WANT. Yuck!

[Anonymous]

Years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We haven't sex since 2019 and I'm still here.

Same.

This is unfathomable to me. Could you both say a bit more about how this came to be? Age? Are you still attracted to your spouse? Why stay together?

I'm the poster with no sex since 2019. We're no longer attracted to each, and that's mutual.

I'm honestly confused why it's unfathomable. Sex is one aspect of a relationship. Outside of that our relationship is great. The love and support we get from being in the relationship is more important than the lack of sex. I'd rather spend the rest of my life celibate than spend without her. I understand why someone would make a different choice, but I'd most people could grasp the reasons you'd stay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We haven't sex since 2019 and I'm still here.

Same.

This is unfathomable to me. Could you both say a bit more about how this came to be? Age? Are you still attracted to your spouse? Why stay together?

It’s unfathomable to me that you would throw away a family, a life, your best friend, your soulmate, you’re everything for sex.

Could you say a little bit more about that?

Do you have daddy issues, were you abused as a child? Any priests in your past?

Do you like the ability to have intimate relationships with without sex?

🙄

^^^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s reassuring to see so many happy sexless marriages.

I'm glad, I think people should talk about it more. There are lots of marriages where both people's drive declines and sex just tapers off and no one is mad about it.

I'm the person who upthread said we haven't had sex since 2024. It had been tapering off a lot prior to that. But I also want to note we are still very physically affectionate and emotionally intimate. We talked every day, we give back rubs and hugs, we kiss multiple times a day, we talk about deep stuff about hour families, our kids, our careers, and our mental health. We care for each other in other ways (making favorite meals for one another, letting each other sleep in when we have had a rough week, little gifts, etc.). We are very, very important to each other and he's definitely my biggest emotional support right now in life and I his.

We also haven't closed the door on sex. It's just not a priority for either of us right now. We've had other stuff going on. In the evenings, I'd say our biggest priority at the moment is sleep.

Fascinating. We have the relational intimacy (conversations, deep talks, favorite meals, etc.) But we rarely hug, kiss, or give massages outside of foreplay for sex which happens frequently. To me, those things are interrelated. If my husband rubs my back while I’m making dinner, I know definitively he would like to have sex that night.

That's sounds depressing to me. So unless you are having sex that day, there's no physical touching or affection at all? Do you have sex daily or almost daily? Because if it's just once or twice a week, that's so many days without physical affection.

Most of our physical affection is totally separate from our sex life. We hug each other throughout the day as a form of comfort or support. For instance this week we had an issue with our DC that I handled but it was incredibly draining and emotional -- there were lots of hugs over that because DH knew I was going through it. We also kids in the morning and in the evening pretty much every day and these rarely lead to sex. The morning kisses never do. We give back and foot rubs at the end of the day when we're on the couch talking stuff through. This could lead to sex but often doesn't.

I don't think I could have sex more frequently than we do, but I'd be devastated if that meant no physical affection on the days we don't have sex. I feel about physical affection the way some posters on here feel about sex -- it's an essential part of daily life in a relationship, and without it we're just roommates or coworkers.

NP. I have a friend in a happy marriage that has been sexless for at least a decade—her choice. She told me that one of the great things about it is that she knows her DH is being sincerely affectionate when he rubs her back, gives her a hug, or wants to snuggle on the couch. I do envy that. DH and I still have sex twice a week in our fifties, which we both enjoy, but I hate knowing that hugs, etc. virtually always are a signal of his intentions for the evening.

Translation: “I hate knowing that he’s being affectionate because he’s in love with me, is strongly attracted to me, and wants to show it by having sex with me.”

What????

More like I wish he’d be affectionate without any ulterior motive.

As if having sex with his wife is “an ulterior motive”. Insane.

It is when it's the only reason he ever touches her. This is fundamental: women have to feel valued as people to sustain longterm attraction. When women start to feel like their husbands ONLY express an interest in them when they want sex, it feels dehumanizing. You might disagree with that, but it's the reality.

You know how men wouldn't want to feel like a woman married them only for their money, or only for kids? They'd feel used. Even if they are also happy about their income and like being parents! They don't want to feel like they were just a tool for helping someone else accomplish their financial and family planning goals. Well that's how women feel about sex when their husbands ignore them completely except when they want sex. Women like sex too! But we're people, not sex dolls.

It is even worse when the sex itself is not pleasurable and there's no focus on us enjoying it.