Step kid returns to nest - mixed feelings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This child has been in your life since he was FIVE and he’s still your “step kid.” For the purposes of this thread, you could have said adult son.

No. It’s relevant. It can be a lot harder to set rules and boundaries for a stepchild, especially if the bio parent isn’t taking the lead or even on board.

100%
Bio parent can make things impossible when they want to!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens when you ask him to park in the street instead of the driveway?

He parks in the driveway. I ask him to move. He says to just tell him when I need to leave and he will move. And my husband says to chill out and since he, husband, doesn't care if folks park behind him, he, husband, isn't going to back me up on this.

I know. It's 90% a husband issue. But he's almost 70 and I'm not changing him.

You may need to start parking on the street yourself.

or park so another car won't fit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens when you ask him to park in the street instead of the driveway?

He parks in the driveway. I ask him to move. He says to just tell him when I need to leave and he will move. And my husband says to chill out and since he, husband, doesn't care if folks park behind him, he, husband, isn't going to back me up on this.

I know. It's 90% a husband issue. But he's almost 70 and I'm not changing him.

You may need to start parking on the street yourself.

or park so another car won't fit.

Definitely this. When he asks you to move your car, say no!

[Anonymous]

It's only A YEAR - nothing else matters. For a year, you can make it work. I would even say 2 years worst case scenario, 2 max

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's only A YEAR - nothing else matters. For a year, you can make it work. I would even say 2 years worst case scenario, 2 max

Clearly you are (or would be) the type of bio-parent that makes life hell for a caring, involved step-parent. Not setting expectations and boundaries for your child when only the step-parent experiences the negative consequences. Classic.

[Anonymous]

set rules and boundaries

There's won't be many. np here. If he's using your car, you get to decide some things. It's your house, so no overnight guests if you don't want. Otherwise he comes and goes and you have no say. He's relatively respectful of your space. No need to cook or grocery shop for him. He'll have his own shelf in the frig. Act like housemates, adults living together.

[Anonymous]

Why don’t *you* park on the street

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's only A YEAR - nothing else matters. For a year, you can make it work. I would even say 2 years worst case scenario, 2 max

Doormat.

[Anonymous]

Another alternative- where does your husband park? Can your stepson park there and your husband parks on the street?

[Anonymous]

dirty dishes or getting texts with grocery lists.

You and DH (because DH won't do it unless you are right there next to him) sit down with him. AND DH speaks. Only DH. Make this short. DH tells him -- the above is NOT happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

dirty dishes or getting texts with grocery lists.

You and DH (because DH won't do it unless you are right there next to him) sit down with him. AND DH speaks. Only DH. Make this short. DH tells him -- the above is NOT happening.

The DH is weak and lazy so he won't do this. Even if he's coerced, he won't follow through, because he doesn't actually want to. He wants his wife to cater to his son and have no boundaries.

As for the groceries, I would respond every time "Hi Larlo, feel free to get that for yourself with your paycheck."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

dirty dishes or getting texts with grocery lists.

You and DH (because DH won't do it unless you are right there next to him) sit down with him. AND DH speaks. Only DH. Make this short. DH tells him -- the above is NOT happening.

This won't work because SS knows his father all too well. And his previous parking behavior shows that he is a user who will do anything he thinks he can get away with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t *you* park on the street

OP did explain this later in the thread.

[Anonymous]

Make it his/his dad’s problem. This will require you being comfortable, or at least acting like you are comfortable with their displeasure or anger.

First, think about the expectations that are important to you and set them. Whatever works best for you in terms of management is fine. It sounds like he’s included in your grocery shopping, for example. So it’s on him to add things to the list before you shop or send your order in. Tell him that time. Don’t make additional trips or orders. If he doesn’t do laundry, he doesn’t have clean clothes. If he leaves clothes in the washing machine or dryer such that they’re in your way, put them in a basket and leave them for him to deal with it. Not knowing the routines of your house it’s hard to be specific but, generally, try to set things up so that if he doesn’t follow through, it’s his problem.

The car seems to be the biggest issue to solve. Because you’ve already been through this before, and you know that he’s unlikely to cooperate and his dad won’t step in I would go straight to the nuclear option. A condition of his moving in is that you have a set of keys to his car “because of past issues with parking.” The FIRST time he blocks you in, you gather all the keys to your car, and you take stepson’s car, and you go somewhere and stay out for several hours. Now it’s his problem and your husband’s problem. They can figure out ubers or his dad drives him or whatever. It’s their problem. Keep doing it every time, no matter how mad or annoyed or whatever they are. Respond one time reminding them of the rule and then refuse to engage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get treating a kid like a guest. Just don't do that.

Do you have any kids living outside of your home yet? No? You'll see.