Step kid returns to nest - mixed feelings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is such a typical DCUM thread. Crazy armchair warriors come out swinging, demanding charts and rules or saying that OP has to say no no no. Absolutely ridiculous advice that no one actually would do in real life.

Here's the real life answer. First, stop with the "step son" crap. After 20 years this kid deserves better than that. Treat him no different than the biological kids.

He's gotten an internship. Good for him! Telling us it's his "third choice" is an unnecessary dig and an insult. Lots of interns don't get their first choice or any choice at all.

You WANT him to succeed. You WANT him to launch. It's good for him and it's great for YOUR future.

So you welcome him in. You tell him he can't park in the garage, period, and you don't do his laundry. As for cooking, you keep doing what you've always done for the family, and you include him in it. Just expect help with the dishes.

So OP can lay down the law with him just as she would with a bio kid?

OP married a weak and passive man who doesn't get along with his ex. OP decided not to step up and parent the kid, and her husband didn't either. His lack of adulting skills and behavior are the consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you doing anyone’s laundry other than your own?? My kids have done their own laundry since they turned 10.

You absolutely need to make expectations clear and in writing. And this is for everyone in the household, not just the stepson. Just say we need more organization with more bodies in the house.

Make a chart with days of the week and a column of names. Kid A does laundry on Fridays and empties dishwasher Tues and Thurs. Kid B does laundry Saturdays and empties dishwasher Sunday and Wednesday. Step son does laundry Sunday and empties dishwasher Monday and Friday. Parents do their laundry during the week and are in charge of cooking and trash (or whatever)

The point is that you can’t and shouldn’t shoulder the burden and making it very clear by writing it all down will help take the negotiation out of it all.

Nobody is giving a grown man a chart!

Many, many households rely on charts for kids and adults.

😂😂😂

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is your husband's fault and you need to make it his problem. It's gross how you are merrily laughing off your husband's flaws and failures. Why on earth did you marry and have children with this weak, lazy, and selfish man?

+1. We know why the first wife divorced him. Now it is time for #2 divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This child has been in your life since he was FIVE and he’s still your “step kid.” For the purposes of this thread, you could have said adult son.

OP here. I'm not sure if you have step kids:.. but it's never actually the same. You just never get the same "authority" even if you feel the same feelings. He has two parents who, frankly ,don't get along and add a lot of stress to his life. He went through some really rough years and came out the other side triumphant. He doesn't need me as a third parent. I just try to be a positive presence in his life.

then you will be smart not to baby him.

[Anonymous]

Clearly he does need you as a third parent, because his father is too lazy to do it and he has no idea how to be an adult.

[Anonymous]

This is really just a vent thread. OP knows that she is going to be parking on the street and waiting on step son hand and foot for a year because her husband sucks.

[Anonymous]

I get the impression OP loves this kid, but the step kid information was important context that frames how their relationship evolved differently than her bio kids. If OP posted here 20 years ago you all would say it's his father's job to set rules and discipline him, so you can't say now "oh, just treat him like your bio kids."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get the impression OP loves this kid, but the step kid information was important context that frames how their relationship evolved differently than her bio kids. If OP posted here 20 years ago you all would say it's his father's job to set rules and discipline him, so you can't say now "oh, just treat him like your bio kids."

It's never too late to step up for your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This child has been in your life since he was FIVE and he’s still your “step kid.” For the purposes of this thread, you could have said adult son.

No. It’s relevant. It can be a lot harder to set rules and boundaries for a stepchild, especially if the bio parent isn’t taking the lead or even on board.

[Anonymous]

I don't get treating a kid like a guest. Just don't do that.

[Anonymous]

Can you have a conversation with your stepson without your husband present? And just explain to him WHY you need him to park on the street. I realize it seems like you shouldn't have to explain what seems obvious, but it might not be to him.

I'm guessing your husband is reacting out of guilt and defensiveness (that his child actually has to be told how to be respectful). So just don't have the conversation in front of him.

If your stepson complains to your husband and your husband takes his side, that's a BIG issue.

Stepmom to an adult stepchild here. We get along very well, always have, and I've been in her life since she was in elementary school. So I understand where OP is coming from - tough love isn't possible when you're not a "real" parent.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he knows why she doesn't want to be blocked, but ne still does it and says he'll move it later if necessary (but OP said sometimes she asked and he doesn't feel like doing it and asks her to just do it).

The only way is to have designated spot for him and insist he immediately move the car every time he doesn't use it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you doing anyone’s laundry other than your own?? My kids have done their own laundry since they turned 10.

You absolutely need to make expectations clear and in writing. And this is for everyone in the household, not just the stepson. Just say we need more organization with more bodies in the house.

Make a chart with days of the week and a column of names. Kid A does laundry on Fridays and empties dishwasher Tues and Thurs. Kid B does laundry Saturdays and empties dishwasher Sunday and Wednesday. Step son does laundry Sunday and empties dishwasher Monday and Friday. Parents do their laundry during the week and are in charge of cooking and trash (or whatever)

The point is that you can’t and shouldn’t shoulder the burden and making it very clear by writing it all down will help take the negotiation out of it all.

Nobody is giving a grown man a chart!

Why not? It’s for the family, not just that stepson. It’s just a tool to make sure equal weight is being pulled. Having systems is not emasculating anyone. If they don’t automatically think to pull their weight then you make it happen—having a visual reminder of it takes the mental load off the person who who would otherwise be seen as a nag for just asking people to pull their weight around the house. If everything works great in your house and nobody is bitter/overwhelmed then great. But op is a working mom and is doing everyone’s laundry and that’s ridiculous. A chart isn’t going to kill anyone.

[Anonymous]

The car thing is weird. If you have asked your stepson not to block your car, and he still does, he is just a straight up a**hole. This is not normal adult behavior. I'd block him in and refuse to move a couple of times. He'll get the message.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he knows why she doesn't want to be blocked, but ne still does it and says he'll move it later if necessary (but OP said sometimes she asked and he doesn't feel like doing it and asks her to just do it).

The only way is to have designated spot for him and insist he immediately move the car every time he doesn't use it.

Then when she talks to him about it, she should remind him of this.

It's hard to tell if stepson is clueless, lazy, or an a-hole. Start with assuming clueless and escalate from there.