Step kid returns to nest - mixed feelings

[Anonymous]

He’s shifting from guest mode to family resident. Make some happy joking comments about that to plant the idea in his brain. “It’ll be nice to get some help with making dinner [or whatever].”

For the parking, when he declines your request, don’t drop it. Say, “I know you will move it if I ask you to, but it has stressed me out for years and since now you’re an adult, you will understand where I’m coming from. And eve if you think it’s irrational, this is what I’m asking.” Just make the conversation so that if he keeps saying no, he’s a dick. And expect to remind him. And have the initia conversation without your husband around to interfere.

[Anonymous]

PP made a good point. Why did you mention that the internship was a third choice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Sure! We’d love to have you home and spend more time with you! Can we get together for dinner next week to talk about expectations on both sides to make sure it will be mutually agreeable?”

Then talk about who pays for what, how parking will work, expectations for chores, etc. same thing you would do if you were renting out a room in your house to anyone else.

LOL nobody talks like this with their kids.

I'm the PP who made the list of what we expect of our adult kids who live with us. Before they moved back (and it wasn't a single transaction), we met with them at a restaurant (neutral territory) and laid out our expectations. I think everyone is happy that we were all open and laid out the ground rules. Expectations are clear. I intend to do this again with my college daughter when she comes home for the summer.

And, frankly, there is no good reason that my spouse and I get the two best parking spaces at our house except that we are the ones who pay the bills and own the house. Occasionally, one of them will park in our spaces if we are expected to be out of town and we have to park elsewhere when we come home early. But, that's different than being disrespectful and parking in your parents' parking spaces and not moving your vehicle when asked. If my kids did that, we would have a lot of problems living together. Not because of parking arrangements, but because of respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP made a good point. Why did you mention that the internship was a third choice?

OP here. Because I'm a bit spectrumy and over precise and I didn't realize it would land as a dig, when it's actually a really cool accomplishment. Going back I should have said "top choice"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t *you* park on the street

Probably because she pays for the house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens when you ask him to park in the street instead of the driveway?

He parks in the driveway. I ask him to move. He says to just tell him when I need to leave and he will move. And my husband says to chill out and since he, husband, doesn't care if folks park behind him, he, husband, isn't going to back me up on this.

I know. It's 90% a husband issue. But he's almost 70 and I'm not changing him.

You may need to start parking on the street yourself.

or park so another car won't fit.

This is the passive aggressive answer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t *you* park on the street

Why be a doormat?

[Anonymous]

It is outrageous to me that he can't even handle the parking request. I can't imagine not honoring that of my own parents.

The issue here is lack of respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Sure! We’d love to have you home and spend more time with you! Can we get together for dinner next week to talk about expectations on both sides to make sure it will be mutually agreeable?”

Then talk about who pays for what, how parking will work, expectations for chores, etc. same thing you would do if you were renting out a room in your house to anyone else.

LOL nobody talks like this with their kids.

I'm the PP who made the list of what we expect of our adult kids who live with us. Before they moved back (and it wasn't a single transaction), we met with them at a restaurant (neutral territory) and laid out our expectations. I think everyone is happy that we were all open and laid out the ground rules. Expectations are clear. I intend to do this again with my college daughter when she comes home for the summer.

And, frankly, there is no good reason that my spouse and I get the two best parking spaces at our house except that we are the ones who pay the bills and own the house. Occasionally, one of them will park in our spaces if we are expected to be out of town and we have to park elsewhere when we come home early. But, that's different than being disrespectful and parking in your parents' parking spaces and not moving your vehicle when asked. If my kids did that, we would have a lot of problems living together. Not because of parking arrangements, but because of respect.

Well there are at least two of us because that is extremely similar to how we handled ACs (including cousins/niece/nephew) moving in longer term. I didn’t think of the neutral ground but that’s a great idea.

I do think OP is in a slightly different position because DH isn’t on the same page, and there’s already been a guest pattern established, so OP probably has to take a harder line.

[Anonymous]

Tell you SON that of course he welcome.he has to be a good housemate if he wants to live in your house for a extended period of time. If he wants to live like a tenant (rude), then he pays market rent and his car gets towed for parking violations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to welcome him back but also set some boundaries. As a parent you owe him that because you are doing him no good by treating as a guest for a year. Approach it from the angle of having respect for him - we acknowledge that you are an adult and want to be treated as one and have a conversation about how adults should be coving.

+1.

And I get it OP, I’m a stepmom to an adult man as well.

Think of it from the angle of how you would treat your own kids. I’m sure you’d welcome them back, and it sounds like your kids are good at respect, cleaning up after themselves, etc, but honestly if some dirty dishes in the bedroom is among the worst you have to deal with, you’re doing pretty good. But definitely set the expectations. Expect them not to be followed all the time, or it’ll wear off over some time, and reminders will be needed.

The year will go quickly.

[Anonymous]

His entire stay at your home isn’t going to go well at all .. Starting w this parking in the driveway thing.

That’s a low key power struggle thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is outrageous to me that he can't even handle the parking request. I can't imagine not honoring that of my own parents.

The issue here is lack of respect.

It’s been half a century since young’ns just blindly and obediently did whatever ma and pa said even if it made no sense. Crawl back into your Easy Boy recliner and argue with Siri or Alexa please. People living in current times are talking.

I also think the car parking thing doesn’t make sense and OPs husband doesn’t think it makes for himself either. If there had been an instance of when you needed to leave and he was taking a long shower or if you are Batman and need to bolt out once the Bat signal goes up then OK. I’m assuming neither is together case as OP seems to be precise and inclusive of all relevant data. This is a weird anxiety that OP should get over.

For other things, try to set it up for him to be as independent as possible.

[Anonymous]

Can you just tell your husband you don't want to live with his adult child? He's 25, so he can definitely find a roommate situation. It's the equivalent of moving a parent in without your spouse's approval. You don't do it.

[Anonymous]

I cannot imagine picking up a 25 year old's dirty dishes. I'm trying to get my 6 year old to consistently clear his own! Even my 11 year old's friends mostly pick up their own when they visit, as do adult guests. And if they were leaving dirty dishes in a bedroom I'd have absolutely no problem asking them to bring them to the kitchen so we can get them into the dishwasher at night.

Same for laundry - it is kind of weird and unfair if a 17 year old girl is expected to do her own, and her 25 year old brother doesn't. I get that OP can't order him around, but he's also a sibling.

The car thing is tougher. I do think explaining that you may need to leave in the middle of the night and taking extra time to move cars is an imposition that could make you late is the way to go.