Tips for dating with "niche looks" in my 40s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can tell just from your writing that the issue isn’t your looks or height.

You are very much a logical/rational brained person. The way you describe dating makes it sound like you are doing due diligence, not looking for sparks or a romantic connection. You lack warmth. You have a low tolerance for emotions from others. You deflect real intimacy - I know you think you are being humble by saying you aren’t interesting and haven’t accomplished much, but what you are actually doing is refusing to invest any of yourself. Being on a date with you feels like being interviewed or like meeting with a consultant or like reviewing a LinkedIn profile. You describe yourself as an asset, not as a romantic partner. Everything about you screams that you are managed, structured, curated, and optimized.

I know this because my BF is the exact same way. He thinks very similarly to you, and our first date was not very fun. It felt like I was being judged the entire time, even though that’s not what he was doing. He is an ESTJ (I’m guessing you’re a similar archetype) while I’m an INFP (the creative/artistic type). So the way his brain works is VERY foreign to me and came off as very cold, distant, judgmental, and like he was comparing me against a checklist. He even spent our first several dates asking me about myself nonstop while divulging very little about himself, which I know he did for similar reasons as you (thought he was boring/unremarkable) but it really came off as an interview.

The good news is that you CAN actually do really well with creative-type women. But, you will have to change a LOT about yourself so that you come off as warm and capable of real connection. If you continue to get frustrated over pretty minor things like stress over getting fired, you’re not going to attract anyone. My BF gets the same way - especially when he sees that the solution to my problem is extremely obvious and doesn’t understand why I just don’t do it - but he’s learned that I need to be held, listened to, feel understood, and I need to process through my feelings before I can get into logical brain. You’re going to have to do the same and learn how to really connect with women, not just treat relationships like a checklist, where you check things off and move on.

And the really awesome thing is these relationships can be incredibly strong. I don’t do well with other creative types because we don’t get anything done. I thrive with the executive/logical types because they stabilize and ground me, but only if I feel appreciated for myself, if I feel they are frustrated with how I operate, I’m out. And on the flip side, I help humanize the executive types and add depth to their world. But it only works if both sides appreciate the other and don’t try to change them.

DP. This is a lot of what I am thinking as well. The part about him only wanting to be with a woman who has a hobby that takes up a lot of her time makes me think this too.

He just doesn’t seem invested in giving a lot of himself in a relationship or being very open. Probably some kind of childhood trauma history.

[Anonymous]

I think the tattoos would do better somewhere like LA. Not in DC. I mean look around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I've read all your posts and none come off as someone looking for marriage or anything serious. You're looking for companionship and a permanent girlfriend. Women your age are looking for marriage and kids. That's just the beginning of the issues I see in what you've written, but it's a big one.

I would be ecstatic to find someone to marry. Kids ehhh not so much. I don’t particularly think I would be a good father as I think the level of patience to raise kids is not something I readily have but it’s something I would be willing to work on and reassess.

Way to bury the lede.

Women don’t want you because you don’t want kids. 99.9% of women want children, or at the age range you should be dating, already have kids.

That being said, please don’t have kids just because you think it’s the only way to land a woman. That’s a terrible reason to bring kids into the world and it will mess them up. And don’t date women with kids since you lack patience, last thing a child with divorced parents need is mom’s crappy boyfriend yelling at them.

You can still find someone, but you’ll need to really play the numbers game. Probably worth hiring a matchmaker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can tell just from your writing that the issue isn’t your looks or height.

You are very much a logical/rational brained person. The way you describe dating makes it sound like you are doing due diligence, not looking for sparks or a romantic connection. You lack warmth. You have a low tolerance for emotions from others. You deflect real intimacy - I know you think you are being humble by saying you aren’t interesting and haven’t accomplished much, but what you are actually doing is refusing to invest any of yourself. Being on a date with you feels like being interviewed or like meeting with a consultant or like reviewing a LinkedIn profile. You describe yourself as an asset, not as a romantic partner. Everything about you screams that you are managed, structured, curated, and optimized.

I know this because my BF is the exact same way. He thinks very similarly to you, and our first date was not very fun. It felt like I was being judged the entire time, even though that’s not what he was doing. He is an ESTJ (I’m guessing you’re a similar archetype) while I’m an INFP (the creative/artistic type). So the way his brain works is VERY foreign to me and came off as very cold, distant, judgmental, and like he was comparing me against a checklist. He even spent our first several dates asking me about myself nonstop while divulging very little about himself, which I know he did for similar reasons as you (thought he was boring/unremarkable) but it really came off as an interview.

The good news is that you CAN actually do really well with creative-type women. But, you will have to change a LOT about yourself so that you come off as warm and capable of real connection. If you continue to get frustrated over pretty minor things like stress over getting fired, you’re not going to attract anyone. My BF gets the same way - especially when he sees that the solution to my problem is extremely obvious and doesn’t understand why I just don’t do it - but he’s learned that I need to be held, listened to, feel understood, and I need to process through my feelings before I can get into logical brain. You’re going to have to do the same and learn how to really connect with women, not just treat relationships like a checklist, where you check things off and move on.

And the really awesome thing is these relationships can be incredibly strong. I don’t do well with other creative types because we don’t get anything done. I thrive with the executive/logical types because they stabilize and ground me, but only if I feel appreciated for myself, if I feel they are frustrated with how I operate, I’m out. And on the flip side, I help humanize the executive types and add depth to their world. But it only works if both sides appreciate the other and don’t try to change them.

DP. This is a lot of what I am thinking as well. The part about him only wanting to be with a woman who has a hobby that takes up a lot of her time makes me think this too.

He just doesn’t seem invested in giving a lot of himself in a relationship or being very open. Probably some kind of childhood trauma history.

Yes, he's giving off sexual abuse, parents' traumatic divorce, constant moves with no stability, or all of the above. Something that damaged his ability to form healthy attachments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you like to cook, OP? The beef Wellington and more?
Try cooking classes.

Sure do. I will give that a try.

Good! I think taking classes or workshops on cooking and other things you like, even going to author talks and book signings or evening or weekend museum events (Library of Congress has them, other museums do too) would put you in a room with women you potentially share an interest with and you might find one interesting, and she you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can tell just from your writing that the issue isn’t your looks or height.

You are very much a logical/rational brained person. The way you describe dating makes it sound like you are doing due diligence, not looking for sparks or a romantic connection. You lack warmth. You have a low tolerance for emotions from others. You deflect real intimacy - I know you think you are being humble by saying you aren’t interesting and haven’t accomplished much, but what you are actually doing is refusing to invest any of yourself. Being on a date with you feels like being interviewed or like meeting with a consultant or like reviewing a LinkedIn profile. You describe yourself as an asset, not as a romantic partner. Everything about you screams that you are managed, structured, curated, and optimized.

I know this because my BF is the exact same way. He thinks very similarly to you, and our first date was not very fun. It felt like I was being judged the entire time, even though that’s not what he was doing. He is an ESTJ (I’m guessing you’re a similar archetype) while I’m an INFP (the creative/artistic type). So the way his brain works is VERY foreign to me and came off as very cold, distant, judgmental, and like he was comparing me against a checklist. He even spent our first several dates asking me about myself nonstop while divulging very little about himself, which I know he did for similar reasons as you (thought he was boring/unremarkable) but it really came off as an interview.

The good news is that you CAN actually do really well with creative-type women. But, you will have to change a LOT about yourself so that you come off as warm and capable of real connection. If you continue to get frustrated over pretty minor things like stress over getting fired, you’re not going to attract anyone. My BF gets the same way - especially when he sees that the solution to my problem is extremely obvious and doesn’t understand why I just don’t do it - but he’s learned that I need to be held, listened to, feel understood, and I need to process through my feelings before I can get into logical brain. You’re going to have to do the same and learn how to really connect with women, not just treat relationships like a checklist, where you check things off and move on.

And the really awesome thing is these relationships can be incredibly strong. I don’t do well with other creative types because we don’t get anything done. I thrive with the executive/logical types because they stabilize and ground me, but only if I feel appreciated for myself, if I feel they are frustrated with how I operate, I’m out. And on the flip side, I help humanize the executive types and add depth to their world. But it only works if both sides appreciate the other and don’t try to change them.

DP. This is a lot of what I am thinking as well. The part about him only wanting to be with a woman who has a hobby that takes up a lot of her time makes me think this too.

He just doesn’t seem invested in giving a lot of himself in a relationship or being very open. Probably some kind of childhood trauma history.

Yes, he's giving off sexual abuse, parents' traumatic divorce, constant moves with no stability, or all of the above. Something that damaged his ability to form healthy attachments.

Negative to all of those. Parents are about to celebrate their 56th anniversary and no abuse or constant moves.

Happy to date women of all sizes other than morbidly obese. Dating age range is about 7 years on either side which I think is reasonable. Not trying to date a 23 year old model.

As far as the tattoos, I liberally use sunscreen and try to take care of my skin so hopefully that will mitigate any effects at least from the sun. I’m close friends with a few of the folks that have done some of my work and we hang out constantly so while some folks may be turned off by them I feel like I wanted them/enjoy the process of picking out the designs and placement and the meaning behind the classic designs so it was worth it. My OLD profile has a picture of my shirtless grinding a handrail on my bike so I would think most folks would know what they’re getting into in that regard prior to matching with me.

[Anonymous]

As people get older, they can get somewhat stuck in their ways. This is especially true of busy professionals. You are probably trying to date women 10 years younger than yourself who are actively online dating for a permanent relationship and mostly in a somewhat different headspace than yourself. That only really works if you are highly flexible/adaptable — willing to date seriously, willing to build a life together, not expecting them to slot into your life. You might actually have somewhat better luck with similarly accomplished professional closer to 40-something women and/or women who already have children (50-50 custody where you spend time together on the no kids week and then mostly do your own hobbies the other week and/or maybe even someone with relatively grown children etc.). Except this type of woman tends to not be actively engaged in online dating.

[Anonymous]

At 5’6” you need to settle for a fat old liberal.

[Anonymous]

It’s your height, your tattoos, your gym rat mentality and you sound a bit full of yourself. Date down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can tell just from your writing that the issue isn’t your looks or height.

You are very much a logical/rational brained person. The way you describe dating makes it sound like you are doing due diligence, not looking for sparks or a romantic connection. You lack warmth. You have a low tolerance for emotions from others. You deflect real intimacy - I know you think you are being humble by saying you aren’t interesting and haven’t accomplished much, but what you are actually doing is refusing to invest any of yourself. Being on a date with you feels like being interviewed or like meeting with a consultant or like reviewing a LinkedIn profile. You describe yourself as an asset, not as a romantic partner. Everything about you screams that you are managed, structured, curated, and optimized.

I know this because my BF is the exact same way. He thinks very similarly to you, and our first date was not very fun. It felt like I was being judged the entire time, even though that’s not what he was doing. He is an ESTJ (I’m guessing you’re a similar archetype) while I’m an INFP (the creative/artistic type). So the way his brain works is VERY foreign to me and came off as very cold, distant, judgmental, and like he was comparing me against a checklist. He even spent our first several dates asking me about myself nonstop while divulging very little about himself, which I know he did for similar reasons as you (thought he was boring/unremarkable) but it really came off as an interview.

The good news is that you CAN actually do really well with creative-type women. But, you will have to change a LOT about yourself so that you come off as warm and capable of real connection. If you continue to get frustrated over pretty minor things like stress over getting fired, you’re not going to attract anyone. My BF gets the same way - especially when he sees that the solution to my problem is extremely obvious and doesn’t understand why I just don’t do it - but he’s learned that I need to be held, listened to, feel understood, and I need to process through my feelings before I can get into logical brain. You’re going to have to do the same and learn how to really connect with women, not just treat relationships like a checklist, where you check things off and move on.

And the really awesome thing is these relationships can be incredibly strong. I don’t do well with other creative types because we don’t get anything done. I thrive with the executive/logical types because they stabilize and ground me, but only if I feel appreciated for myself, if I feel they are frustrated with how I operate, I’m out. And on the flip side, I help humanize the executive types and add depth to their world. But it only works if both sides appreciate the other and don’t try to change them.

DP. This is a lot of what I am thinking as well. The part about him only wanting to be with a woman who has a hobby that takes up a lot of her time makes me think this too.

He just doesn’t seem invested in giving a lot of himself in a relationship or being very open. Probably some kind of childhood trauma history.

Yes, he's giving off sexual abuse, parents' traumatic divorce, constant moves with no stability, or all of the above. Something that damaged his ability to form healthy attachments.

Negative to all of those. Parents are about to celebrate their 56th anniversary and no abuse or constant moves.

Happy to date women of all sizes other than morbidly obese. Dating age range is about 7 years on either side which I think is reasonable. Not trying to date a 23 year old model.

As far as the tattoos, I liberally use sunscreen and try to take care of my skin so hopefully that will mitigate any effects at least from the sun. I’m close friends with a few of the folks that have done some of my work and we hang out constantly so while some folks may be turned off by them I feel like I wanted them/enjoy the process of picking out the designs and placement and the meaning behind the classic designs so it was worth it. My OLD profile has a picture of my shirtless grinding a handrail on my bike so I would think most folks would know what they’re getting into in that regard prior to matching with me.

I’m a pretty adventurous woman but this type of profile picture would be a massive turn off for me. My boyfriend skateboards pretty regularly but if that was his profile picture I would have swiped left. I want a mature, responsible, adult man with a good job. If my very first impression of a guy is tattoos and BMX I’m gonna assume he’s a FBoy who sleeps on a mattress on the floor.

Women aren’t impressed by men doing things that their middle school boyfriends did. Portray yourself as an adult, then let the tattoos and BMX come out later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can tell just from your writing that the issue isn’t your looks or height.

You are very much a logical/rational brained person. The way you describe dating makes it sound like you are doing due diligence, not looking for sparks or a romantic connection. You lack warmth. You have a low tolerance for emotions from others. You deflect real intimacy - I know you think you are being humble by saying you aren’t interesting and haven’t accomplished much, but what you are actually doing is refusing to invest any of yourself. Being on a date with you feels like being interviewed or like meeting with a consultant or like reviewing a LinkedIn profile. You describe yourself as an asset, not as a romantic partner. Everything about you screams that you are managed, structured, curated, and optimized.

I know this because my BF is the exact same way. He thinks very similarly to you, and our first date was not very fun. It felt like I was being judged the entire time, even though that’s not what he was doing. He is an ESTJ (I’m guessing you’re a similar archetype) while I’m an INFP (the creative/artistic type). So the way his brain works is VERY foreign to me and came off as very cold, distant, judgmental, and like he was comparing me against a checklist. He even spent our first several dates asking me about myself nonstop while divulging very little about himself, which I know he did for similar reasons as you (thought he was boring/unremarkable) but it really came off as an interview.

The good news is that you CAN actually do really well with creative-type women. But, you will have to change a LOT about yourself so that you come off as warm and capable of real connection. If you continue to get frustrated over pretty minor things like stress over getting fired, you’re not going to attract anyone. My BF gets the same way - especially when he sees that the solution to my problem is extremely obvious and doesn’t understand why I just don’t do it - but he’s learned that I need to be held, listened to, feel understood, and I need to process through my feelings before I can get into logical brain. You’re going to have to do the same and learn how to really connect with women, not just treat relationships like a checklist, where you check things off and move on.

And the really awesome thing is these relationships can be incredibly strong. I don’t do well with other creative types because we don’t get anything done. I thrive with the executive/logical types because they stabilize and ground me, but only if I feel appreciated for myself, if I feel they are frustrated with how I operate, I’m out. And on the flip side, I help humanize the executive types and add depth to their world. But it only works if both sides appreciate the other and don’t try to change them.

DP. This is a lot of what I am thinking as well. The part about him only wanting to be with a woman who has a hobby that takes up a lot of her time makes me think this too.

He just doesn’t seem invested in giving a lot of himself in a relationship or being very open. Probably some kind of childhood trauma history.

Yes, he's giving off sexual abuse, parents' traumatic divorce, constant moves with no stability, or all of the above. Something that damaged his ability to form healthy attachments.

Negative to all of those. Parents are about to celebrate their 56th anniversary and no abuse or constant moves.

Happy to date women of all sizes other than morbidly obese. Dating age range is about 7 years on either side which I think is reasonable. Not trying to date a 23 year old model.

As far as the tattoos, I liberally use sunscreen and try to take care of my skin so hopefully that will mitigate any effects at least from the sun. I’m close friends with a few of the folks that have done some of my work and we hang out constantly so while some folks may be turned off by them I feel like I wanted them/enjoy the process of picking out the designs and placement and the meaning behind the classic designs so it was worth it. My OLD profile has a picture of my shirtless grinding a handrail on my bike so I would think most folks would know what they’re getting into in that regard prior to matching with me.

I’m a pretty adventurous woman but this type of profile picture would be a massive turn off for me. My boyfriend skateboards pretty regularly but if that was his profile picture I would have swiped left. I want a mature, responsible, adult man with a good job. If my very first impression of a guy is tattoos and BMX I’m gonna assume he’s a FBoy who sleeps on a mattress on the floor.

Women aren’t impressed by men doing things that their middle school boyfriends did. Portray yourself as an adult, then let the tattoos and BMX come out later.

This is a perspective I had not thought of. My thought was show (and tell) what my life is like so I added that picture as one of the photos I have in my profile not the only one. The rest of the photos depict what the other aspects of my life involve, whether that be work, hanging out with friends and family, etc so I thought adding the photo would paint a more complete picture. If you still feel like it would be a major turn off in conjunction with the other pics I’d be happy to try deleting it and seeing if my prospects there change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can tell just from your writing that the issue isn’t your looks or height.

You are very much a logical/rational brained person. The way you describe dating makes it sound like you are doing due diligence, not looking for sparks or a romantic connection. You lack warmth. You have a low tolerance for emotions from others. You deflect real intimacy - I know you think you are being humble by saying you aren’t interesting and haven’t accomplished much, but what you are actually doing is refusing to invest any of yourself. Being on a date with you feels like being interviewed or like meeting with a consultant or like reviewing a LinkedIn profile. You describe yourself as an asset, not as a romantic partner. Everything about you screams that you are managed, structured, curated, and optimized.

I know this because my BF is the exact same way. He thinks very similarly to you, and our first date was not very fun. It felt like I was being judged the entire time, even though that’s not what he was doing. He is an ESTJ (I’m guessing you’re a similar archetype) while I’m an INFP (the creative/artistic type). So the way his brain works is VERY foreign to me and came off as very cold, distant, judgmental, and like he was comparing me against a checklist. He even spent our first several dates asking me about myself nonstop while divulging very little about himself, which I know he did for similar reasons as you (thought he was boring/unremarkable) but it really came off as an interview.

The good news is that you CAN actually do really well with creative-type women. But, you will have to change a LOT about yourself so that you come off as warm and capable of real connection. If you continue to get frustrated over pretty minor things like stress over getting fired, you’re not going to attract anyone. My BF gets the same way - especially when he sees that the solution to my problem is extremely obvious and doesn’t understand why I just don’t do it - but he’s learned that I need to be held, listened to, feel understood, and I need to process through my feelings before I can get into logical brain. You’re going to have to do the same and learn how to really connect with women, not just treat relationships like a checklist, where you check things off and move on.

And the really awesome thing is these relationships can be incredibly strong. I don’t do well with other creative types because we don’t get anything done. I thrive with the executive/logical types because they stabilize and ground me, but only if I feel appreciated for myself, if I feel they are frustrated with how I operate, I’m out. And on the flip side, I help humanize the executive types and add depth to their world. But it only works if both sides appreciate the other and don’t try to change them.

DP. This is a lot of what I am thinking as well. The part about him only wanting to be with a woman who has a hobby that takes up a lot of her time makes me think this too.

He just doesn’t seem invested in giving a lot of himself in a relationship or being very open. Probably some kind of childhood trauma history.

Yes, he's giving off sexual abuse, parents' traumatic divorce, constant moves with no stability, or all of the above. Something that damaged his ability to form healthy attachments.

Negative to all of those. Parents are about to celebrate their 56th anniversary and no abuse or constant moves.

Happy to date women of all sizes other than morbidly obese. Dating age range is about 7 years on either side which I think is reasonable. Not trying to date a 23 year old model.

As far as the tattoos, I liberally use sunscreen and try to take care of my skin so hopefully that will mitigate any effects at least from the sun. I’m close friends with a few of the folks that have done some of my work and we hang out constantly so while some folks may be turned off by them I feel like I wanted them/enjoy the process of picking out the designs and placement and the meaning behind the classic designs so it was worth it. My OLD profile has a picture of my shirtless grinding a handrail on my bike so I would think most folks would know what they’re getting into in that regard prior to matching with me.

I’m a pretty adventurous woman but this type of profile picture would be a massive turn off for me. My boyfriend skateboards pretty regularly but if that was his profile picture I would have swiped left. I want a mature, responsible, adult man with a good job. If my very first impression of a guy is tattoos and BMX I’m gonna assume he’s a FBoy who sleeps on a mattress on the floor.

Women aren’t impressed by men doing things that their middle school boyfriends did. Portray yourself as an adult, then let the tattoos and BMX come out later.

+1. Bold says it all. Severe ego issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I reside on the West Coast but have not seen many Black men with bodysuits of tattoos.

No matter how attractive, educated, intelligent or charming you were I just would be too turned off by all that tattooed skin that I couldn’t date you.
No offense - I just think at your age having such a large collection of tattoos will make you look much older much sooner.
I imagine in 10-15 years your skin will look gross.

I concur.
You should get your tattoos removed.

[Anonymous]

Looking like Curtis Mayfield, are tattoos even visible on your skin?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have been trying to date over the past few years and after a very very large number of rejections I bit the bullet and asked a couple of my friends what they thought was going on. To my surprise, all of the women said that I have "niche looks" meaning they thought that while I'm not "ugly", I'm not traditionally attractive for a guy. They don't think I'm the equivalent of Steve Buscemi or anything along those lines, but I'm no George Clooney or Patrick Dempsey either. This kind of makes sense because of my dating history in that over the past few years I've dated dozens of women with varying amounts of success. Some only wanted the first date, some lasted for 6 months, but that is the extent of it.

To provide a bit more context, I'm 5ft6in tall, very muscular and fit. My celebrity lookalike is Curtis Mayfield, but I cannot sing like him unfortunately . I own a condo in DC and I work as a partner at a boutique law firm in a finance practice. I have a fair amount of hobbies (obviously weightlifting/exercising, BMX bike riding, collecting tattoos, perfecting my beef wellington) and a solid friend list, and I have never heard from anyone that I'm "boring" but I'm not putting it past there being some sort of social defect as well that is preventing me from making a solid connection with someone. I provide that info not to brag or point out that I'm a catch but to establish that I have my life in order as a baseline. The women that I have dated have never brought up my "niche looks" but usually would tell me they just weren't feeling it and I did not want to pry or try to force them to come up with a "reason" for not wanting to continue to see me.

Do folks have any thoughts here, absent plastic surgery, that I could use to improve my dating life in this regard? Do I need a matchmaker? The vast majority of women that I've dated have come from online dating as I'm not one to approach in person IRL other than two one-offs over the years.

You could be the best guy in the world, but “collecting tattoos” is a huge turn off for me. So is BMX riding, especially if you want kids. I always avoided guys with dangerous hobbies, because I didn’t want to increase my risk of being a widow. Maybe other women are different.

Cooking and a moderate amount of weight lifting are better hobbies. Maybe road biking for cardio. Working out increases your longevity and cooking is just doing chores. It’s great that you can make a beef Wellington, but can you also make the perfect sandwich in under 10 minutes? That’s a much more practical skill.