Tips for dating with "niche looks" in my 40s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Law.partners have bad habits of talking down to people, acting like the smartest person in the room even about topics they know very little, trying to run the show and delegate "deliverables" in and out of work.

psychologist married to law partner who has seen this play out tons of times

Law partners, doctors and professors are all super guilty of this. Or anyone who is put on a pedestal for giving out "expert" advice as their job from day-to-day.

[Anonymous]

If people do not stick around after a few weeks or after a few months...it's not your looks. It's something about your communication with them or your personality or you targeting people who aren't fundamentally compatible beyond surface stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tattoos are definitely a turnoff for the majority of women. Especially a lot of them.

This. Tattoos are likely a turnoff for most women who are your professional equals. Your professional life is white collar, but your hobbies lean more towards blue collar, likely making you unrelatable to both types of women.

Yes, tattoos are trashy and I don’t know a single lawyer who thinks of himself that way or wants to date a trashy woman. I would honestly recommend therapy for it.

[Anonymous]

Your professional equal will have no interest in your tattoos and hobbies. You don’t say what type of women you are seeking but if you tell us that, we can tell you why it’s not working.

[Anonymous]

Just going to be blunt it’s your height and the underlying need to overcompensate for it. Your post is a lot, don’t be a lot.

[Anonymous]

Curtis mayfield-are you African American? Do you date African American women? White womsn? All races?

[Anonymous]

Lots of responses so I will not break them out into quotes but will try to address them all.

By in my 40s I mean I just turned 41 a few weeks ago. Women that I date are in the 32 - 47 range recently but that has adjusted over the years upwards as I've gotten older. When I was in my 20s I was trying to date women in the late 20s - early 30s range. The level of tattoo coverage I have is essentially a bodysuit, meaning my body and limbs below my neck down to my ankles is all covered, except for my armpits and ribs (and no job stoppers like on the neck/hands/face). The tattoos are very clear from the photos of me on my OLD profiles. For the past few years I've been getting small pieces when I travel but my heavy collecting days are behind me since I'm pretty much out of space.

I am African American. I do not discriminate across any race or ethnicity, open to dating whoever in that regard. I don't tend to find blondes attractive but I have dated a few of them. I would be open to dating black women but my lack of religious belief usually stops that in its tracks. I would consider myself an atheist but I am extremely laid back about it. I'm not going to snap at someone for inviting me to their church or anything but I'm also not going to go unless its a big holiday and we were meeting with family.

Type of women I'm seeking: There isn't really any one type. The one dealbreaker is that she has to be passionate about something other than work. Would prefer if it was some type of hobby that keeps her active but it doesn't have to be. As I state above, open to all races; if she's goth thats cool, if shes type a businesswoman type thats cool too. I would prefer if every "life issue" doesn't result in the belief fo the worst case scenario happening. For example, dated a woman that whenever her boss asked for a meeting she claimed she was getting fired and her career was over. That became exhausting very quickly. I'm not joining a biker gang because I've dated women whose fathers were in motorcycle clubs, both outlaw/1% and normie clubs and the personality clash was just too much. Also, I get hurt enough BMXing I don't need to get hurt riding a motorcycle too, hahahaha. She doesn't have to be a gym rat / super fit and if she is then I would prefer her not being enhanced as I'm natural and am planning on staying natural. I find that I'm most physically attracted to Greek/Italian women and mentally/emotionally attracted to women that are more creative/artistic or at least have that element to their personality even if their actual job is more corporate/traditional. Fine with women taller than me.

Talking down to people: I happen to work in a very collaborative space in my legal practice so luckily I don't engage in such behavior even at work and I try to not slip into interacting with people in that way. I make it a point to never tell people you can't do this or that and am willing to talk through things with folks but the final decision lies with them unless its the type of decision where both people need to agree on a plan of action.

Topics of conversation on dates: I ask a lot of question about their hobbies and their goals. Does work drive them or their friendships or relationships with family members or what? Are they more bougie or salt of the earth? Flashy or low key? Are their friends from a wide variety of socioeconomic groups or all just rich/all middle class/etc? I'm not talking about myself too much because I'm not super interesting really and I haven't really accomplished too much in my life in my opinion. What kind of music are they into? Do they go to concerts or prefer to just listen to the music at home/in the car?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of responses so I will not break them out into quotes but will try to address them all.

By in my 40s I mean I just turned 41 a few weeks ago. Women that I date are in the 32 - 47 range recently but that has adjusted over the years upwards as I've gotten older. When I was in my 20s I was trying to date women in the late 20s - early 30s range. The level of tattoo coverage I have is essentially a bodysuit, meaning my body and limbs below my neck down to my ankles is all covered, except for my armpits and ribs (and no job stoppers like on the neck/hands/face). The tattoos are very clear from the photos of me on my OLD profiles. For the past few years I've been getting small pieces when I travel but my heavy collecting days are behind me since I'm pretty much out of space.

I am African American. I do not discriminate across any race or ethnicity, open to dating whoever in that regard. I don't tend to find blondes attractive but I have dated a few of them. I would be open to dating black women but my lack of religious belief usually stops that in its tracks. I would consider myself an atheist but I am extremely laid back about it. I'm not going to snap at someone for inviting me to their church or anything but I'm also not going to go unless its a big holiday and we were meeting with family.

Type of women I'm seeking: There isn't really any one type. The one dealbreaker is that she has to be passionate about something other than work. Would prefer if it was some type of hobby that keeps her active but it doesn't have to be. As I state above, open to all races; if she's goth thats cool, if shes type a businesswoman type thats cool too. I would prefer if every "life issue" doesn't result in the belief fo the worst case scenario happening. For example, dated a woman that whenever her boss asked for a meeting she claimed she was getting fired and her career was over. That became exhausting very quickly. I'm not joining a biker gang because I've dated women whose fathers were in motorcycle clubs, both outlaw/1% and normie clubs and the personality clash was just too much. Also, I get hurt enough BMXing I don't need to get hurt riding a motorcycle too, hahahaha. She doesn't have to be a gym rat / super fit and if she is then I would prefer her not being enhanced as I'm natural and am planning on staying natural. I find that I'm most physically attracted to Greek/Italian women and mentally/emotionally attracted to women that are more creative/artistic or at least have that element to their personality even if their actual job is more corporate/traditional. Fine with women taller than me.

Talking down to people: I happen to work in a very collaborative space in my legal practice so luckily I don't engage in such behavior even at work and I try to not slip into interacting with people in that way. I make it a point to never tell people you can't do this or that and am willing to talk through things with folks but the final decision lies with them unless its the type of decision where both people need to agree on a plan of action.

Topics of conversation on dates: I ask a lot of question about their hobbies and their goals. Does work drive them or their friendships or relationships with family members or what? Are they more bougie or salt of the earth? Flashy or low key? Are their friends from a wide variety of socioeconomic groups or all just rich/all middle class/etc? I'm not talking about myself too much because I'm not super interesting really and I haven't really accomplished too much in my life in my opinion. What kind of music are they into? Do they go to concerts or prefer to just listen to the music at home/in the car?

This made me laugh! Please stick with non-black women.

[Anonymous]

If your celebrity lookalike is Curtis Mayfield that's one strike already. Dude was hideous. Great voice though.

[Anonymous]

Few gentle suggestions:

Know what you want as an end goal, especially with age 32-47 year old women. We don't need to know here, but whether you don't want to get married, or open to marriage and no kids, or want marriage and kids (these are things that save you and the person time and can help hone in on the best mechanism to meet people. For example, while a fan of in-person/online/etc., if you're not getting results and want marriage and kids, consider a matchmaker.)

Tell every male and female friend you're looking for a great woman. So they are looking out for you.

Given you have a law degree, which requires a lot of reading/studying, this can make you interesting to a lot of women. Consider asking women what they're reading, talking about books you're read, etc.

Rooting for you, OP. You've got good things ahead.

[Anonymous]

Have you ever been in love or had a relationship last longer than 6 months?

What about the sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If people do not stick around after a few weeks or after a few months...it's not your looks. It's something about your communication with them or your personality or you targeting people who aren't fundamentally compatible beyond surface stuff.

+1. My 6'2 handsome cousin had a similar problem, and it was communication. He only figured this out because one of his dates was a friend of one of his friends, and she gave his friend honest feedback.

5'6 is short, but if this was a deal breaker for a woman, you'd know by the first date. You are coming off as not likeable enough to compensate for your " niche" look. No one is perfect, but you need to have enough check marks to outweigh your dings. Date people you know outside of OLD so one of them can tell you or someone close to you what the issue is.

Alternatively, dating is a numbers game. You have to kiss many frogs to find your princess. She is out there. Keep looking!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of responses so I will not break them out into quotes but will try to address them all.

By in my 40s I mean I just turned 41 a few weeks ago. Women that I date are in the 32 - 47 range recently but that has adjusted over the years upwards as I've gotten older. When I was in my 20s I was trying to date women in the late 20s - early 30s range. The level of tattoo coverage I have is essentially a bodysuit, meaning my body and limbs below my neck down to my ankles is all covered, except for my armpits and ribs (and no job stoppers like on the neck/hands/face). The tattoos are very clear from the photos of me on my OLD profiles. For the past few years I've been getting small pieces when I travel but my heavy collecting days are behind me since I'm pretty much out of space.

I am African American. I do not discriminate across any race or ethnicity, open to dating whoever in that regard. I don't tend to find blondes attractive but I have dated a few of them. I would be open to dating black women but my lack of religious belief usually stops that in its tracks. I would consider myself an atheist but I am extremely laid back about it. I'm not going to snap at someone for inviting me to their church or anything but I'm also not going to go unless its a big holiday and we were meeting with family.

Type of women I'm seeking: There isn't really any one type. The one dealbreaker is that she has to be passionate about something other than work. Would prefer if it was some type of hobby that keeps her active but it doesn't have to be. As I state above, open to all races; if she's goth thats cool, if shes type a businesswoman type thats cool too. I would prefer if every "life issue" doesn't result in the belief fo the worst case scenario happening. For example, dated a woman that whenever her boss asked for a meeting she claimed she was getting fired and her career was over. That became exhausting very quickly. I'm not joining a biker gang because I've dated women whose fathers were in motorcycle clubs, both outlaw/1% and normie clubs and the personality clash was just too much. Also, I get hurt enough BMXing I don't need to get hurt riding a motorcycle too, hahahaha. She doesn't have to be a gym rat / super fit and if she is then I would prefer her not being enhanced as I'm natural and am planning on staying natural. I find that I'm most physically attracted to Greek/Italian women and mentally/emotionally attracted to women that are more creative/artistic or at least have that element to their personality even if their actual job is more corporate/traditional. Fine with women taller than me.

Talking down to people: I happen to work in a very collaborative space in my legal practice so luckily I don't engage in such behavior even at work and I try to not slip into interacting with people in that way. I make it a point to never tell people you can't do this or that and am willing to talk through things with folks but the final decision lies with them unless its the type of decision where both people need to agree on a plan of action.

Topics of conversation on dates: I ask a lot of question about their hobbies and their goals. Does work drive them or their friendships or relationships with family members or what? Are they more bougie or salt of the earth? Flashy or low key? Are their friends from a wide variety of socioeconomic groups or all just rich/all middle class/etc? I'm not talking about myself too much because I'm not super interesting really and I haven't really accomplished too much in my life in my opinion. What kind of music are they into? Do they go to concerts or prefer to just listen to the music at home/in the car?

This is your problem. You have very low tolerance for humans being human. People are going to have anxiety. Women tend to be VERY anxious, and if you’re pursuing high achieving women with careers, even more so. High achieving women were raised to never get a wrong answer, never make anyone upset, etc, so even minor things can feel like the worst case scenario.

There’s also some conflicting things that you want. You want a woman who works out, but can’t have cosmetic work. Someone with a career, but she has to have passions outside of work and be a creative as well. It’s going to be very challenging to find all of those in one woman.

I’m wondering if you give off the vibe that you’re not really happy with the women you date as they are? That’s sort of the sense I get here, that you’re looking for the manic pixie dream girl type, and it’s not very fun to be with a man you know wishes you were different.

You remind me of a friend of mine who has similar problems with women, despite him being very handsome and successful. He doesn’t think that he has high standards because he dates a very wide age range, but you can tell when he’s with a woman, he doesn’t think of her as his dream woman. And it’s not that he’s mean or rude about it, it’s just a vibe he puts out.

Ya know what I mean? Like it’s not enough for a woman to be attractive, she has to be attractive with no cosmetic work done. It’s not enough for her to have a career, she also has to have “passions” and hobbies. It’s not enough for her to be type A, she also has to be a creative. And it’s not enough for her to be a creative, she also has to be a stoic and never have anxiety.

If you want a creative woman, you can find them, but they’re not gonna have good careers and they will absolutely have issues with anxiety. That’s just part of it. Highly creative people are strong feelers, which means they feel all their emotions very strongly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of responses so I will not break them out into quotes but will try to address them all.

By in my 40s I mean I just turned 41 a few weeks ago. Women that I date are in the 32 - 47 range recently but that has adjusted over the years upwards as I've gotten older. When I was in my 20s I was trying to date women in the late 20s - early 30s range. The level of tattoo coverage I have is essentially a bodysuit, meaning my body and limbs below my neck down to my ankles is all covered, except for my armpits and ribs (and no job stoppers like on the neck/hands/face). The tattoos are very clear from the photos of me on my OLD profiles. For the past few years I've been getting small pieces when I travel but my heavy collecting days are behind me since I'm pretty much out of space.

I am African American. I do not discriminate across any race or ethnicity, open to dating whoever in that regard. I don't tend to find blondes attractive but I have dated a few of them. I would be open to dating black women but my lack of religious belief usually stops that in its tracks. I would consider myself an atheist but I am extremely laid back about it. I'm not going to snap at someone for inviting me to their church or anything but I'm also not going to go unless its a big holiday and we were meeting with family.

Type of women I'm seeking: There isn't really any one type. The one dealbreaker is that she has to be passionate about something other than work. Would prefer if it was some type of hobby that keeps her active but it doesn't have to be. As I state above, open to all races; if she's goth thats cool, if shes type a businesswoman type thats cool too. I would prefer if every "life issue" doesn't result in the belief fo the worst case scenario happening. For example, dated a woman that whenever her boss asked for a meeting she claimed she was getting fired and her career was over. That became exhausting very quickly. I'm not joining a biker gang because I've dated women whose fathers were in motorcycle clubs, both outlaw/1% and normie clubs and the personality clash was just too much. Also, I get hurt enough BMXing I don't need to get hurt riding a motorcycle too, hahahaha. She doesn't have to be a gym rat / super fit and if she is then I would prefer her not being enhanced as I'm natural and am planning on staying natural. I find that I'm most physically attracted to Greek/Italian women and mentally/emotionally attracted to women that are more creative/artistic or at least have that element to their personality even if their actual job is more corporate/traditional. Fine with women taller than me.

Talking down to people: I happen to work in a very collaborative space in my legal practice so luckily I don't engage in such behavior even at work and I try to not slip into interacting with people in that way. I make it a point to never tell people you can't do this or that and am willing to talk through things with folks but the final decision lies with them unless its the type of decision where both people need to agree on a plan of action.

Topics of conversation on dates: I ask a lot of question about their hobbies and their goals. Does work drive them or their friendships or relationships with family members or what? Are they more bougie or salt of the earth? Flashy or low key? Are their friends from a wide variety of socioeconomic groups or all just rich/all middle class/etc? I'm not talking about myself too much because I'm not super interesting really and I haven't really accomplished too much in my life in my opinion. What kind of music are they into? Do they go to concerts or prefer to just listen to the music at home/in the car?

This is your problem. You have very low tolerance for humans being human. People are going to have anxiety. Women tend to be VERY anxious, and if you’re pursuing high achieving women with careers, even more so. High achieving women were raised to never get a wrong answer, never make anyone upset, etc, so even minor things can feel like the worst case scenario.

There’s also some conflicting things that you want. You want a woman who works out, but can’t have cosmetic work. Someone with a career, but she has to have passions outside of work and be a creative as well. It’s going to be very challenging to find all of those in one woman.

I’m wondering if you give off the vibe that you’re not really happy with the women you date as they are? That’s sort of the sense I get here, that you’re looking for the manic pixie dream girl type, and it’s not very fun to be with a man you know wishes you were different.

You remind me of a friend of mine who has similar problems with women, despite him being very handsome and successful. He doesn’t think that he has high standards because he dates a very wide age range, but you can tell when he’s with a woman, he doesn’t think of her as his dream woman. And it’s not that he’s mean or rude about it, it’s just a vibe he puts out.

Ya know what I mean? Like it’s not enough for a woman to be attractive, she has to be attractive with no cosmetic work done. It’s not enough for her to have a career, she also has to have “passions” and hobbies. It’s not enough for her to be type A, she also has to be a creative. And it’s not enough for her to be a creative, she also has to be a stoic and never have anxiety.

If you want a creative woman, you can find them, but they’re not gonna have good careers and they will absolutely have issues with anxiety. That’s just part of it. Highly creative people are strong feelers, which means they feel all their emotions very strongly.

If they have plastic surgery then thats one thing, but by enhanced I meant I'm not open to dating women that use steroids/peptides. I guess if their job was one that required looking a certain way or athletic performance at a certain level thats one thing, but just for personal goals I don't think the side effects are worth it.

For the person that told me to stick with non-black women, I'm not saying everyone black woman is religious, just all of the ones that I dated/attempted to date pumped the brakes hard when I told them I did not believe in a higher power.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of responses so I will not break them out into quotes but will try to address them all.

By in my 40s I mean I just turned 41 a few weeks ago. Women that I date are in the 32 - 47 range recently but that has adjusted over the years upwards as I've gotten older. When I was in my 20s I was trying to date women in the late 20s - early 30s range. The level of tattoo coverage I have is essentially a bodysuit, meaning my body and limbs below my neck down to my ankles is all covered, except for my armpits and ribs (and no job stoppers like on the neck/hands/face). The tattoos are very clear from the photos of me on my OLD profiles. For the past few years I've been getting small pieces when I travel but my heavy collecting days are behind me since I'm pretty much out of space.

I am African American. I do not discriminate across any race or ethnicity, open to dating whoever in that regard. I don't tend to find blondes attractive but I have dated a few of them. I would be open to dating black women but my lack of religious belief usually stops that in its tracks. I would consider myself an atheist but I am extremely laid back about it. I'm not going to snap at someone for inviting me to their church or anything but I'm also not going to go unless its a big holiday and we were meeting with family.

Type of women I'm seeking: There isn't really any one type. The one dealbreaker is that she has to be passionate about something other than work. Would prefer if it was some type of hobby that keeps her active but it doesn't have to be. As I state above, open to all races; if she's goth thats cool, if shes type a businesswoman type thats cool too. I would prefer if every "life issue" doesn't result in the belief fo the worst case scenario happening. For example, dated a woman that whenever her boss asked for a meeting she claimed she was getting fired and her career was over. That became exhausting very quickly. I'm not joining a biker gang because I've dated women whose fathers were in motorcycle clubs, both outlaw/1% and normie clubs and the personality clash was just too much. Also, I get hurt enough BMXing I don't need to get hurt riding a motorcycle too, hahahaha. She doesn't have to be a gym rat / super fit and if she is then I would prefer her not being enhanced as I'm natural and am planning on staying natural. I find that I'm most physically attracted to Greek/Italian women and mentally/emotionally attracted to women that are more creative/artistic or at least have that element to their personality even if their actual job is more corporate/traditional. Fine with women taller than me.

Talking down to people: I happen to work in a very collaborative space in my legal practice so luckily I don't engage in such behavior even at work and I try to not slip into interacting with people in that way. I make it a point to never tell people you can't do this or that and am willing to talk through things with folks but the final decision lies with them unless its the type of decision where both people need to agree on a plan of action.

Topics of conversation on dates: I ask a lot of question about their hobbies and their goals. Does work drive them or their friendships or relationships with family members or what? Are they more bougie or salt of the earth? Flashy or low key? Are their friends from a wide variety of socioeconomic groups or all just rich/all middle class/etc? I'm not talking about myself too much because I'm not super interesting really and I haven't really accomplished too much in my life in my opinion. What kind of music are they into? Do they go to concerts or prefer to just listen to the music at home/in the car?

This is your problem. You have very low tolerance for humans being human. People are going to have anxiety. Women tend to be VERY anxious, and if you’re pursuing high achieving women with careers, even more so. High achieving women were raised to never get a wrong answer, never make anyone upset, etc, so even minor things can feel like the worst case scenario.

There’s also some conflicting things that you want. You want a woman who works out, but can’t have cosmetic work. Someone with a career, but she has to have passions outside of work and be a creative as well. It’s going to be very challenging to find all of those in one woman.

I’m wondering if you give off the vibe that you’re not really happy with the women you date as they are? That’s sort of the sense I get here, that you’re looking for the manic pixie dream girl type, and it’s not very fun to be with a man you know wishes you were different.

You remind me of a friend of mine who has similar problems with women, despite him being very handsome and successful. He doesn’t think that he has high standards because he dates a very wide age range, but you can tell when he’s with a woman, he doesn’t think of her as his dream woman. And it’s not that he’s mean or rude about it, it’s just a vibe he puts out.

Ya know what I mean? Like it’s not enough for a woman to be attractive, she has to be attractive with no cosmetic work done. It’s not enough for her to have a career, she also has to have “passions” and hobbies. It’s not enough for her to be type A, she also has to be a creative. And it’s not enough for her to be a creative, she also has to be a stoic and never have anxiety.

If you want a creative woman, you can find them, but they’re not gonna have good careers and they will absolutely have issues with anxiety. That’s just part of it. Highly creative people are strong feelers, which means they feel all their emotions very strongly.

Oh you nailed it. I knew a guy like this. Great guy but just could not connect to women because he was critical of something. His parents were like that (snobby, really into appearances and manners) so I guess that is where he got it from.