Tips for dating with "niche looks" in my 40s

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02/21/2026 23:28

Subject: Re:Tips for dating with "niche looks" in my 40s

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Anonymous

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Anonymous wrote:Lots of responses so I will not break them out into quotes but will try to address them all.

By in my 40s I mean I just turned 41 a few weeks ago. Women that I date are in the 32 - 47 range recently but that has adjusted over the years upwards as I've gotten older. When I was in my 20s I was trying to date women in the late 20s - early 30s range. The level of tattoo coverage I have is essentially a bodysuit, meaning my body and limbs below my neck down to my ankles is all covered, except for my armpits and ribs (and no job stoppers like on the neck/hands/face). The tattoos are very clear from the photos of me on my OLD profiles. For the past few years I've been getting small pieces when I travel but my heavy collecting days are behind me since I'm pretty much out of space.

I am African American. I do not discriminate across any race or ethnicity, open to dating whoever in that regard. I don't tend to find blondes attractive but I have dated a few of them. I would be open to dating black women but my lack of religious belief usually stops that in its tracks. I would consider myself an atheist but I am extremely laid back about it. I'm not going to snap at someone for inviting me to their church or anything but I'm also not going to go unless its a big holiday and we were meeting with family.

Type of women I'm seeking: There isn't really any one type. The one dealbreaker is that she has to be passionate about something other than work. Would prefer if it was some type of hobby that keeps her active but it doesn't have to be. As I state above, open to all races; if she's goth thats cool, if shes type a businesswoman type thats cool too. I would prefer if every "life issue" doesn't result in the belief fo the worst case scenario happening. For example, dated a woman that whenever her boss asked for a meeting she claimed she was getting fired and her career was over. That became exhausting very quickly. I'm not joining a biker gang because I've dated women whose fathers were in motorcycle clubs, both outlaw/1% and normie clubs and the personality clash was just too much. Also, I get hurt enough BMXing I don't need to get hurt riding a motorcycle too, hahahaha. She doesn't have to be a gym rat / super fit and if she is then I would prefer her not being enhanced as I'm natural and am planning on staying natural. I find that I'm most physically attracted to Greek/Italian women and mentally/emotionally attracted to women that are more creative/artistic or at least have that element to their personality even if their actual job is more corporate/traditional. Fine with women taller than me.

Talking down to people: I happen to work in a very collaborative space in my legal practice so luckily I don't engage in such behavior even at work and I try to not slip into interacting with people in that way. I make it a point to never tell people you can't do this or that and am willing to talk through things with folks but the final decision lies with them unless its the type of decision where both people need to agree on a plan of action.

Topics of conversation on dates: I ask a lot of question about their hobbies and their goals. Does work drive them or their friendships or relationships with family members or what? Are they more bougie or salt of the earth? Flashy or low key? Are their friends from a wide variety of socioeconomic groups or all just rich/all middle class/etc? I'm not talking about myself too much because I'm not super interesting really and I haven't really accomplished too much in my life in my opinion. What kind of music are they into? Do they go to concerts or prefer to just listen to the music at home/in the car?

This is your problem. You have very low tolerance for humans being human. People are going to have anxiety. Women tend to be VERY anxious, and if you’re pursuing high achieving women with careers, even more so. High achieving women were raised to never get a wrong answer, never make anyone upset, etc, so even minor things can feel like the worst case scenario.

There’s also some conflicting things that you want. You want a woman who works out, but can’t have cosmetic work. Someone with a career, but she has to have passions outside of work and be a creative as well. It’s going to be very challenging to find all of those in one woman.

I’m wondering if you give off the vibe that you’re not really happy with the women you date as they are? That’s sort of the sense I get here, that you’re looking for the manic pixie dream girl type, and it’s not very fun to be with a man you know wishes you were different.

You remind me of a friend of mine who has similar problems with women, despite him being very handsome and successful. He doesn’t think that he has high standards because he dates a very wide age range, but you can tell when he’s with a woman, he doesn’t think of her as his dream woman. And it’s not that he’s mean or rude about it, it’s just a vibe he puts out.

Ya know what I mean? Like it’s not enough for a woman to be attractive, she has to be attractive with no cosmetic work done. It’s not enough for her to have a career, she also has to have “passions” and hobbies. It’s not enough for her to be type A, she also has to be a creative. And it’s not enough for her to be a creative, she also has to be a stoic and never have anxiety.

If you want a creative woman, you can find them, but they’re not gonna have good careers and they will absolutely have issues with anxiety. That’s just part of it. Highly creative people are strong feelers, which means they feel all their emotions very strongly.

If they have plastic surgery then thats one thing, but by enhanced I meant I'm not open to dating women that use steroids/peptides. I guess if their job was one that required looking a certain way or athletic performance at a certain level thats one thing, but just for personal goals I don't think the side effects are worth it.

For the person that told me to stick with non-black women, I'm not saying everyone black woman is religious, just all of the ones that I dated/attempted to date pumped the brakes hard when I told them I did not believe in a higher power.

I mean … how many women are you running into who take steroids?

How many women do you reject vs reject you?

I would say probably about 20% of the women that I have dated have admitted to using them in some form or fashion. Mostly to stay super lean/toned rather than putting on bulk. As far as rejection, probably 70% them rejecting versus 30% me rejecting.

Ok that is weird … are you meeting them in CrossFit or something?

I find it super weird too. My guess is that the women who are super into the muscle scene are the main women into him since it sounds like he doesn’t want kids and has a lot of other negative traits, but he is fit with big muscles. He’s not encountering normal women because they aren’t attracted to him so aren’t matching him on the apps.