Tips for dating with "niche looks" in my 40s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. What is "collecting tattoos"? How many tattoos do you have?

If you have a LOT of tattoos, or if you have one or more tattoos on your neck, legs, and forearms, that could be putting some women off, especially if you are going for women who have a certain "look" that might not be the female equivalent of someone who "collects tattoos."

2. Are you going after the most physically beautiful women only?

I ask this because I have a colleague in his early 40s who is single, and who frequently talks about how he would like to get married and have a family. While he is perfectly nice to look at and has a reasonably good, he's not super handsome in a movie-star way, either, and he is not a billionaire. He sometimes talks to me and other married women colleagues for advice, in which he repeats that he "only wants the best", which to him means the most physically beautiful women he sees on the dating apps. He's showed me photos of some of these girls, and the ones he targets are always between 25 and early 30s, so younger than he is, plus have model gorgeous looks. It is very clear to me that the kind of woman he considers "the best" is not going to consider him a catch. I have pointed out profiles to him of women who are close to his age and maybe not super model gorgeous (but still are nice looking), and he flat-out refuses them. I know he is going to be single for a very long time.

Could you ask your female friends to look at profiles on whatever app you are using and ask them to suggest some profiles for you to contact? And then actually do it, and meet those women?

He's so deep in the closet he doesn't even know it yet.

100%

I married a creep like this and am in the middle of divorcing him. He's still denying being gay, but a gayer man never existed. These men spend so much time learning how to "act" straight without considering that straight men don't need to work at coming off as straight. Sad.

[Anonymous]

OP, I've read all your posts and none come off as someone looking for marriage or anything serious. You're looking for companionship and a permanent girlfriend. Women your age are looking for marriage and kids. That's just the beginning of the issues I see in what you've written, but it's a big one.

[Anonymous]

Navel gazing...

[Anonymous]

It’s the tattoo “bodysuit.”

Most people would find that disgusting.

Real talk.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Lots of responses so I will not break them out into quotes but will try to address them all.

By in my 40s I mean I just turned 41 a few weeks ago. Women that I date are in the 32 - 47 range recently but that has adjusted over the years upwards as I've gotten older. When I was in my 20s I was trying to date women in the late 20s - early 30s range. The level of tattoo coverage I have is essentially a bodysuit, meaning my body and limbs below my neck down to my ankles is all covered, except for my armpits and ribs (and no job stoppers like on the neck/hands/face). The tattoos are very clear from the photos of me on my OLD profiles. For the past few years I've been getting small pieces when I travel but my heavy collecting days are behind me since I'm pretty much out of space.

I am African American. I do not discriminate across any race or ethnicity, open to dating whoever in that regard. I don't tend to find blondes attractive but I have dated a few of them. I would be open to dating black women but my lack of religious belief usually stops that in its tracks. I would consider myself an atheist but I am extremely laid back about it. I'm not going to snap at someone for inviting me to their church or anything but I'm also not going to go unless its a big holiday and we were meeting with family.

Type of women I'm seeking: There isn't really any one type. The one dealbreaker is that she has to be passionate about something other than work. Would prefer if it was some type of hobby that keeps her active but it doesn't have to be. As I state above, open to all races; if she's goth thats cool, if shes type a businesswoman type thats cool too. I would prefer if every "life issue" doesn't result in the belief fo the worst case scenario happening. For example, dated a woman that whenever her boss asked for a meeting she claimed she was getting fired and her career was over. That became exhausting very quickly. I'm not joining a biker gang because I've dated women whose fathers were in motorcycle clubs, both outlaw/1% and normie clubs and the personality clash was just too much. Also, I get hurt enough BMXing I don't need to get hurt riding a motorcycle too, hahahaha. She doesn't have to be a gym rat / super fit and if she is then I would prefer her not being enhanced as I'm natural and am planning on staying natural. I find that I'm most physically attracted to Greek/Italian women and mentally/emotionally attracted to women that are more creative/artistic or at least have that element to their personality even if their actual job is more corporate/traditional. Fine with women taller than me.

Talking down to people: I happen to work in a very collaborative space in my legal practice so luckily I don't engage in such behavior even at work and I try to not slip into interacting with people in that way. I make it a point to never tell people you can't do this or that and am willing to talk through things with folks but the final decision lies with them unless its the type of decision where both people need to agree on a plan of action.

Topics of conversation on dates: I ask a lot of question about their hobbies and their goals. Does work drive them or their friendships or relationships with family members or what? Are they more bougie or salt of the earth? Flashy or low key? Are their friends from a wide variety of socioeconomic groups or all just rich/all middle class/etc? I'm not talking about myself too much because I'm not super interesting really and I haven't really accomplished too much in my life in my opinion. What kind of music are they into? Do they go to concerts or prefer to just listen to the music at home/in the car?

This is your problem. You have very low tolerance for humans being human. People are going to have anxiety. Women tend to be VERY anxious, and if you’re pursuing high achieving women with careers, even more so. High achieving women were raised to never get a wrong answer, never make anyone upset, etc, so even minor things can feel like the worst case scenario.

There’s also some conflicting things that you want. You want a woman who works out, but can’t have cosmetic work. Someone with a career, but she has to have passions outside of work and be a creative as well. It’s going to be very challenging to find all of those in one woman.

I’m wondering if you give off the vibe that you’re not really happy with the women you date as they are? That’s sort of the sense I get here, that you’re looking for the manic pixie dream girl type, and it’s not very fun to be with a man you know wishes you were different.

You remind me of a friend of mine who has similar problems with women, despite him being very handsome and successful. He doesn’t think that he has high standards because he dates a very wide age range, but you can tell when he’s with a woman, he doesn’t think of her as his dream woman. And it’s not that he’s mean or rude about it, it’s just a vibe he puts out.

Ya know what I mean? Like it’s not enough for a woman to be attractive, she has to be attractive with no cosmetic work done. It’s not enough for her to have a career, she also has to have “passions” and hobbies. It’s not enough for her to be type A, she also has to be a creative. And it’s not enough for her to be a creative, she also has to be a stoic and never have anxiety.

If you want a creative woman, you can find them, but they’re not gonna have good careers and they will absolutely have issues with anxiety. That’s just part of it. Highly creative people are strong feelers, which means they feel all their emotions very strongly.

If they have plastic surgery then thats one thing, but by enhanced I meant I'm not open to dating women that use steroids/peptides. I guess if their job was one that required looking a certain way or athletic performance at a certain level thats one thing, but just for personal goals I don't think the side effects are worth it.

For the person that told me to stick with non-black women, I'm not saying everyone black woman is religious, just all of the ones that I dated/attempted to date pumped the brakes hard when I told them I did not believe in a higher power.

I mean … how many women are you running into who take steroids?

How many women do you reject vs reject you?

I would say probably about 20% of the women that I have dated have admitted to using them in some form or fashion. Mostly to stay super lean/toned rather than putting on bulk. As far as rejection, probably 70% them rejecting versus 30% me rejecting.

Ok that is weird … are you meeting them in CrossFit or something?

Nope meeting them on OLD just like the majority of my dates. Not really a group class gym kind of guy prefer going in and handling my business and heading home. Also am not cancelling/ghosting to engage in my hobbies I’m more likely to cancel a BMX session with friends or move the gym session to midnight and go ont he date instead.

I just find it astonishingly unlikely that 20% of women you are finding online use steroids to build muscle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I've read all your posts and none come off as someone looking for marriage or anything serious. You're looking for companionship and a permanent girlfriend. Women your age are looking for marriage and kids. That's just the beginning of the issues I see in what you've written, but it's a big one.

I would be ecstatic to find someone to marry. Kids ehhh not so much. I don’t particularly think I would be a good father as I think the level of patience to raise kids is not something I readily have but it’s something I would be willing to work on and reassess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I've read all your posts and none come off as someone looking for marriage or anything serious. You're looking for companionship and a permanent girlfriend. Women your age are looking for marriage and kids. That's just the beginning of the issues I see in what you've written, but it's a big one.

I would be ecstatic to find someone to marry. Kids ehhh not so much. I don’t particularly think I would be a good father as I think the level of patience to raise kids is not something I readily have but it’s something I would be willing to work on and reassess.

A smart woman isn't going to want you to "reassess." You don't want to be a father and your self-assessment that you'd make a bad father is probably correct. So, like I said, women are picking up on the reality that you're not husband and father material. You're also not good looking or rich nor are you warm and charming. You're not giving any woman with options a reason to stay.

[Anonymous]

Do you like to cook, OP? The beef Wellington and more?
Try cooking classes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you like to cook, OP? The beef Wellington and more?
Try cooking classes.

Sure do. I will give that a try.

[Anonymous]

There is nothing in your description of self that would turn me off. I suspect, as others said, that the real issue is that you are looking for drop dead gorgeous fit women, likely younger, instead of going beyond looks as you want people to do for you. The single over age 30 men I know almost always seem to fall into that pattern.

[Anonymous]

Also I glossed over it earlier but one of the earlier posts asked about my political leanings. I would say I’m left of Bernie. Definitely not conservative.

[Anonymous]

I mean, you are a single guy posting on a moms website. So.. like .. yeah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have never heard the term “niche” looking.
Lol.

Look at Pete Davidson, many people may consider him to have “niche” looks yet he has the echelon of beautiful women so it cannot be your appearance.

And you seem financially responsible, reasonably successful ➕ no criminal record or bad vices.

You say you “collect” tattoos…..
Is your body covered in them??!
I personally am turned off by tattoos but I know not every Female is.

I just think you need to keep dating - - it may take some time to meet someone that you are compatible with fully.

Because in life you know…..nothing good ever comes easy, right?

Wishing you all the best in your future endeavors OP‼️

Just my two cents here but I think Pete Davidson is really cute.
Not Brad Pitt hot/gorgeous of course but he is most definitely cute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tattoos are definitely a turnoff for the majority of women. Especially a lot of them.

+1

I have to agree 1000% w/this.

Tattoos are so not attractive on men, especially A LOT of tattoos.

I especially hate those arm tattoo “sleeves.” 🤮

+ 1
I am grossed out by multiple tattoos on men.
I like a man w/a clean-cut and polished appearance and tattoos negate all of that.
Plus guys 40+ with tattoos just look OLD.

[Anonymous]

I reside on the West Coast but have not seen many Black men with bodysuits of tattoos.

No matter how attractive, educated, intelligent or charming you were I just would be too turned off by all that tattooed skin that I couldn’t date you.
No offense - I just think at your age having such a large collection of tattoos will make you look much older much sooner.
I imagine in 10-15 years your skin will look gross.