Tips for dating with "niche looks" in my 40s

[Anonymous]

Have been trying to date over the past few years and after a very very large number of rejections I bit the bullet and asked a couple of my friends what they thought was going on. To my surprise, all of the women said that I have "niche looks" meaning they thought that while I'm not "ugly", I'm not traditionally attractive for a guy. They don't think I'm the equivalent of Steve Buscemi or anything along those lines, but I'm no George Clooney or Patrick Dempsey either. This kind of makes sense because of my dating history in that over the past few years I've dated dozens of women with varying amounts of success. Some only wanted the first date, some lasted for 6 months, but that is the extent of it.

To provide a bit more context, I'm 5ft6in tall, very muscular and fit. My celebrity lookalike is Curtis Mayfield, but I cannot sing like him unfortunately . I own a condo in DC and I work as a partner at a boutique law firm in a finance practice. I have a fair amount of hobbies (obviously weightlifting/exercising, BMX bike riding, collecting tattoos, perfecting my beef wellington) and a solid friend list, and I have never heard from anyone that I'm "boring" but I'm not putting it past there being some sort of social defect as well that is preventing me from making a solid connection with someone. I provide that info not to brag or point out that I'm a catch but to establish that I have my life in order as a baseline. The women that I have dated have never brought up my "niche looks" but usually would tell me they just weren't feeling it and I did not want to pry or try to force them to come up with a "reason" for not wanting to continue to see me.

Do folks have any thoughts here, absent plastic surgery, that I could use to improve my dating life in this regard? Do I need a matchmaker? The vast majority of women that I've dated have come from online dating as I'm not one to approach in person IRL other than two one-offs over the years.

[Anonymous]

I mean, I wonder if it’s just about your looks? I’m only one person but even your post here was a bit overwhelming to me. Do you give women space to breathe? Do you listen to her?

I don’t know how many women are like me, but when a man is emotionally intelligent, confident, competent, kind, I will often be super sexually attracted, even if he’s not conventionally attractive

[Anonymous]

Are you the one ending the relationships or is it the women? Just checking to see if you're an avoidant who is pushing people away or incapable of emotional intimacy/freak out when you start to really get close with someone.

If you're politically conservative, you are going to have a really hard time with most women in DC. You'll either need to do some deep studying and work on yourself to understand why your views are problematic and change them, or move to some other place where there are lots of conservative women.

Assuming it's not that you're an avoidant or MAGA, my guess is that your height is the issue your friends are noting. I've done a more than my share of OLD and spent lots of time in various womens forums like this one, and it's ridiculous how much some weird women insist on dating tall guys over quality shorter guys. But consider yourself lucky that the trash is taking itself out for you and they aren't wasting your time. I'd start with making sure that your search criteria includes women of color, specifically Latinas and Asians, if it doesn't already. Unlike most White women, most grew up with shorter dads and brothers and aren't as likely to be turned off by shorter guys right off the bat. You want to quickly screen out the women who aren't interested in you so that you can be available for the ones who do find you attractive while you screen in the ones that hold promise.

Next, you need to examine what you find attractive in women and determine whether you're closing yourself off to the women who might want you. If you only like tall blondes, you are missing out on the 5'1" Latina brunettes who might be your perfect match if you'd just give them a chance. You may need to work with a therapist on this.

Select for integrity and kindness, not just looks. So long as you find her attractive, she doesn't need to be the hottest girl you've ever dated to become your person. Get yourself into therapy with a woman therapist and have her help you as you go through this search. Read books, listen to podcasts by women (Jill Turnecki), and develop your EQ. Ignore the bro advice! Get better and better at knowing your feelings, confronting your ghosts, and sharing your feelings. You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable if you want to build emotional intimacy with someone, and you have to make her feel safe doing the same with you. You're either growing closer or it's ending.

Are you asking her questions about her life and ideas, and thereby making it clear that you're interested in more than just her body? Do you spend the whole date bragging about yourself instead of learning who she is? Does being around her make you feel calm or does her energy make you want to chase? Are you genuinely interested in her as a potential partner? If not, that's hard to fake for long. How about sex? Are you employing "best practices" when it comes to the bedroom? Read She Comes First. Get OMGYes. Put her pleasure first at all times, every time. Your goal needs to be to make her feel beautiful and admired by you.

Once you find someone you want to explore a relationship with, don't be all wishy washy and leave her guessing about how you feel about her.

[Anonymous]

You said “I've dated dozens of women with varying amounts of success. Some only wanted the first date, some lasted for 6 months, but that is the extent of it.”

First date might be related to looks, but not lasting beyond 6 months isn’t.

My guess is your issue is more about what causes those 2,3,4,or 5 month relationships to end

[Anonymous]

You are kind of short for a guy.
With your career I would expect someone who is more nerdy-looking. The tattoos throw me off and are a turn-off for me. I could get over one, or two, but a “tattoo collector” nah

[Anonymous]

Tattoos are definitely a turnoff for the majority of women. Especially a lot of them.

[Anonymous]

Yeah your height, which you can’t do anything about, is one turnoff. The tattoos are another. A massive one.

What do you look for in women? Do you like tattooed emo girls with nose rings and dyed black bangs? Or are you expecting to date leggy blondes with huge tits?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You said “I've dated dozens of women with varying amounts of success. Some only wanted the first date, some lasted for 6 months, but that is the extent of it.”

First date might be related to looks, but not lasting beyond 6 months isn’t.

My guess is your issue is more about what causes those 2,3,4,or 5 month relationships to end

Agree with this. I’m curious why your relationships ended.

[Anonymous]

Lots of muscles = insecure or vain or self absorbed

Your dating up, try dating an equal

Get a therapist to show you how to listen you seem like you probably talk slit about yourself trying to prove your worth because lack of self esteem. See how your height has played into this.

Your type A and intense maybe lighten up a bit.

Read How to Win Friends and Influence People Book by Dale Carnegie.

[Anonymous]

Once a woman goes on a second or third date with you, then you should feel comfortable that she's into your looks, and if it doesn't work out, it's deeper than your surface appearance. Maybe you're not dating the right demographic, maybe you have baggage, maybe you're not good at dating or relationships. There's just not enough to go on here, other than the fact that you're overly focused on physical attraction when it's not that big a deal for men. If you're a successful partner at a law firm, you should be able to attract and keep a woman.

[Anonymous]

1. What is "collecting tattoos"? How many tattoos do you have?

If you have a LOT of tattoos, or if you have one or more tattoos on your neck, legs, and forearms, that could be putting some women off, especially if you are going for women who have a certain "look" that might not be the female equivalent of someone who "collects tattoos."

2. Are you going after the most physically beautiful women only?

I ask this because I have a colleague in his early 40s who is single, and who frequently talks about how he would like to get married and have a family. While he is perfectly nice to look at and has a reasonably good, he's not super handsome in a movie-star way, either, and he is not a billionaire. He sometimes talks to me and other married women colleagues for advice, in which he repeats that he "only wants the best", which to him means the most physically beautiful women he sees on the dating apps. He's showed me photos of some of these girls, and the ones he targets are always between 25 and early 30s, so younger than he is, plus have model gorgeous looks. It is very clear to me that the kind of woman he considers "the best" is not going to consider him a catch. I have pointed out profiles to him of women who are close to his age and maybe not super model gorgeous (but still are nice looking), and he flat-out refuses them. I know he is going to be single for a very long time.

Could you ask your female friends to look at profiles on whatever app you are using and ask them to suggest some profiles for you to contact? And then actually do it, and meet those women?

[Anonymous]

I have never heard the term “niche” looking.
Lol.

Look at Pete Davidson, many people may consider him to have “niche” looks yet he has the echelon of beautiful women so it cannot be your appearance.

And you seem financially responsible, reasonably successful ➕ no criminal record or bad vices.

You say you “collect” tattoos…..
Is your body covered in them??!
I personally am turned off by tattoos but I know not every Female is.

I just think you need to keep dating - - it may take some time to meet someone that you are compatible with fully.

Because in life you know…..nothing good ever comes easy, right?

Wishing you all the best in your future endeavors OP‼️

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tattoos are definitely a turnoff for the majority of women. Especially a lot of them.

+1

I have to agree 1000% w/this.

Tattoos are so not attractive on men, especially A LOT of tattoos.

I especially hate those arm tattoo “sleeves.” 🤮

[Anonymous]

Do you splash out on dates? You're a partner at a law firm, use money to solve your problem. If you're meeting people through OLD, AA get a lower number of matches so maybe try meeting people IRL.And, find someone else with niche looks.

[Anonymous]

Law.partners have bad habits of talking down to people, acting like the smartest person in the room even about topics they know very little, trying to run the show and delegate "deliverables" in and out of work.

psychologist married to law partner who has seen this play out tons of times