Reply to Tips for dating with "niche looks" in my 40s

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I can tell just from your writing that the issue isn’t your looks or height.

You are very much a logical/rational brained person. The way you describe dating makes it sound like you are doing due diligence, not looking for sparks or a romantic connection. You lack warmth. You have a low tolerance for emotions from others. You deflect real intimacy - I know you think you are being humble by saying you aren’t interesting and haven’t accomplished much, but what you are actually doing is refusing to invest any of yourself. Being on a date with you feels like being interviewed or like meeting with a consultant or like reviewing a LinkedIn profile. You describe yourself as an asset, not as a romantic partner. Everything about you screams that you are managed, structured, curated, and optimized.

I know this because my BF is the exact same way. He thinks very similarly to you, and our first date was not very fun. It felt like I was being judged the entire time, even though that’s not what he was doing. He is an ESTJ (I’m guessing you’re a similar archetype) while I’m an INFP (the creative/artistic type). So the way his brain works is VERY foreign to me and came off as very cold, distant, judgmental, and like he was comparing me against a checklist. He even spent our first several dates asking me about myself nonstop while divulging very little about himself, which I know he did for similar reasons as you (thought he was boring/unremarkable) but it really came off as an interview.

The good news is that you CAN actually do really well with creative-type women. But, you will have to change a LOT about yourself so that you come off as warm and capable of real connection. If you continue to get frustrated over pretty minor things like stress over getting fired, you’re not going to attract anyone. My BF gets the same way - especially when he sees that the solution to my problem is extremely obvious and doesn’t understand why I just don’t do it - but he’s learned that I need to be held, listened to, feel understood, and I need to process through my feelings before I can get into logical brain. You’re going to have to do the same and learn how to really connect with women, not just treat relationships like a checklist, where you check things off and move on.

And the really awesome thing is these relationships can be incredibly strong. I don’t do well with other creative types because we don’t get anything done. I thrive with the executive/logical types because they stabilize and ground me, but only if I feel appreciated for myself, if I feel they are frustrated with how I operate, I’m out. And on the flip side, I help humanize the executive types and add depth to their world. But it only works if both sides appreciate the other and don’t try to change them. [/quote]

DP.  This is a lot of what I am thinking as well.  The part about him only wanting to be with a woman who has a hobby that takes up a lot of her time makes me think this too.

He just doesn’t seem invested in giving a lot of himself in a relationship or being very open.  [b]Probably some kind of childhood trauma history.[/b]  [/quote]
Yes, he's giving off sexual abuse, parents' traumatic divorce, constant moves with no stability, or all of the above. Something that damaged his ability to form healthy attachments.[/quote]

Negative to all of those. Parents are about to celebrate their 56th anniversary and no abuse or constant moves.

Happy to date women of all sizes other than morbidly obese. Dating age range is about 7 years on either side which I think is reasonable. Not trying to date a 23 year old model.

As far as the tattoos, I liberally use sunscreen and try to take care of my skin so hopefully that will mitigate any effects at least from the sun. I’m close friends with a few of the folks that have done some of my work and we hang out constantly so while some folks may be turned off by them I feel like I wanted them/enjoy the process of picking out the designs and placement and the meaning behind the classic designs so it was worth it. [b]My OLD profile has a picture of my shirtless grinding a handrail on my bike so I would think most folks would know what they’re getting into in that regard prior to matching with me.[/b] [/quote]

I’m a pretty adventurous woman but this type of profile picture would be a massive turn off for me. My boyfriend skateboards pretty regularly but if that was his profile picture I would have swiped left. I want a mature, responsible, adult man with a good job. If my very first impression of a guy is tattoos and BMX I’m gonna assume he’s a FBoy who sleeps on a mattress on the floor.

Women aren’t impressed by men doing things that their middle school boyfriends did. Portray yourself as an adult, then let the tattoos and BMX come out later. [/quote]

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