How do people in dead bedroom marriages cope?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is not that important

Yes, it is. It’s grounds for divorce. At least once the kids are out of the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not that important

Yes, it is. It’s grounds for divorce. At least once the kids are out of the house.

You can leave your spouse for any reason at anytime of the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an affair. Sex is great with my AP.

Ahh, I knew a selfish loser who lacks commitment, the ability to communicate and accountability would join this one. The dead bedroom in your case is likely do to you being a disgusting human. Good luck with the damage you caused.

Shut up. If one partner is literally causing the issue, the aggrieved partner should cheat. It’s as simple as that. You have no fking clue the kind of rejection and resentment lack of intimacy causes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My problem isn’t that I’m not sleeping with DH, it’s that I don’t *want* to sleep with him because he let himself get so out of shape and he puts zero effort into our relationship.

I hear you. My wife has become so angry, controlling and judgmental over the years that the thought of sleeping with her disgusts me. Thankfully alcohol is the cure!

Wow, I hear you! Incredible how unattractive constant scowling and rudenesss can be. Are all women like this behind closed doors? Just pissy for no reason?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an affair. Sex is great with my AP.

So you are very open in hidden and anonymous interactions, but are too cowardly to tell the only person whose knowledge matters, your spouse. Who taught you that sneaking around and hiding were the hallmarks of a person worth emulating?

And what changes if they actually talk to their spouse about being upset at lack of sex? That’s right, nothing. The spouse makes excuses, says they’ll change and try, then it’s 3 weeks later and no still no sex. Fk that sht. Sometimes cheating is okay. Lack of intimacy in a marriage is grounds for divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank god I’m not controlled by sex. I could not imagine having that ruin my life.

It’s like incels that are so driven by primal urges they shoot up something.

I think maybe some people are just more evolved.

This is how I feel. My spouse and I had great sex while dating, and active sex life after marriage, and then it declined after kids and now we don't have much sex. We are both over 50. I have no interest in throwing my entire marriage and family out the window so that I can get laid on a more regular basis. Sex is nice but it is not the most important thing in life and what I have in my marriage is WAY more important. I cannot imagine breaking up my family for that reason. It sounds so, so childish.

Are you a man or a women?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank god I’m not controlled by sex. I could not imagine having that ruin my life.

It’s like incels that are so driven by primal urges they shoot up something.

I think maybe some people are just more evolved.

I can’t imagine being a milquetoast bore with disdain for sex.

I think maybe some people are just more evolved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My problem isn’t that I’m not sleeping with DH, it’s that I don’t *want* to sleep with him because he let himself get so out of shape and he puts zero effort into our relationship.

I hear you. My wife has become so angry, controlling and judgmental over the years that the thought of sleeping with her disgusts me. Thankfully alcohol is the cure!

Wow, I hear you! Incredible how unattractive constant scowling and rudenesss can be. Are all women like this behind closed doors? Just pissy for no reason?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My problem isn’t that I’m not sleeping with DH, it’s that I don’t *want* to sleep with him because he let himself get so out of shape and he puts zero effort into our relationship.

I hear you. My wife has become so angry, controlling and judgmental over the years that the thought of sleeping with her disgusts me. Thankfully alcohol is the cure!

Wow, I hear you! Incredible how unattractive constant scowling and rudenesss can be. Are all women like this behind closed doors? Just pissy for no reason?

Or pissy bc I’m a selfish slob. No difference! Why the constant scowling?! How pissy!

[Anonymous]

To the wives of men who are no longer interested in sleeping with their wives: How do you feel knowing that your husband finds other women sexually attractive but not you? How does your ego withstand the daily rejection of you as a sexual partner? When my ex did this to me, it was devastating.

[Anonymous]

"A dead bedroom in your 30s is almost always a sign of serious issues. A dead bedroom in your 60s is usually not a sign of anything. 40s/50s... depends on the situation. A lot happens in those decades that can really depress libidos, though that same stuff can also cause other marital strain. It just depends on the couple and the situation.

These threads often devolve into one or two posters acting like sex is the only reason marriage exists, arguing with several posters who are likely a decade or two older whose marriages have several key benefits that have nothing to do with sex. It is seemingly impossible for these posters to understand each other, so I guess I only hope they aren't married to each other!"

Nope. I often comment on those posts. I'm almost 60 and a woman, and I don't believe that rejecting your spouse sexually is okay at my age or any age. If you're healthy and interested in sex in general, just not with your spouse, you're asking for trouble if you don't address this as a couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"A dead bedroom in your 30s is almost always a sign of serious issues. A dead bedroom in your 60s is usually not a sign of anything. 40s/50s... depends on the situation. A lot happens in those decades that can really depress libidos, though that same stuff can also cause other marital strain. It just depends on the couple and the situation.

These threads often devolve into one or two posters acting like sex is the only reason marriage exists, arguing with several posters who are likely a decade or two older whose marriages have several key benefits that have nothing to do with sex. It is seemingly impossible for these posters to understand each other, so I guess I only hope they aren't married to each other!"

Nope. I often comment on those posts. I'm almost 60 and a woman, and I don't believe that rejecting your spouse sexually is okay at my age or any age. If you're healthy and interested in sex in general, just not with your spouse, you're asking for trouble if you don't address this as a couple.

But then your issue is not actually dead bedroom, but wandering eyes. And also while the situation you describe can happen with older couples, it's WAY more common with younger couples. Because libidos decline with age.

If your 35 year old spouse has lost all interest in sex with you, odds are good they still want sex, just not with you.

If your 65 year old spouse has lost all interest in sex with you, odds are good they just aren't very interested in sex anymore.

And before you yell at me, I heard you the first time. Yes, yes, you are a very horny almost-60 year old woman. That's fine. I wish you lots of sex now and in your future. But statistically, libidos decline across both sexes with age, and they decline more aggressively in women as they enter and complete menopause. It's not every woman, but it's a lot of women. Plus rates of ED in men go up with age -- approximately 40-60% of men in their 60s experience ED. So when a couple in their 60s experiences a dead bedroom, it is much, much more likely to be the result of naturally decline libido than just someone who is desperate for sex but simply no longer attracted to their spouse. That happens much younger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the wives of men who are no longer interested in sleeping with their wives: How do you feel knowing that your husband finds other women sexually attractive but not you? How does your ego withstand the daily rejection of you as a sexual partner? When my ex did this to me, it was devastating.

They all will say ..

“Our marriage and life is perfect in every other aspect.
Blowing that up for sex is dumb, silly, immature

I’m also not allowed to bring it up or discuss oh and we sleep in separate bedrooms 🙄”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean ... I've just managed.

DH has zero interest, and I'm not going to force him. He does not want to discuss it, and I'm not going to force him to. It bothered me for a while, when I was younger and had a stronger sex drive, but I got over it. When your spouse is amazing in every other regard, you can live without it. DH and I have been together for over 20 years and I still feel like I won the lottery because he's so great and our life is better than anything I could have wished for. If that weren't the case? I wouldn't have put up with the dead bedroom part.

I also think that people who are in sexless marriages due to no fault of their own have the right to go look for that particular thing elsewhere and it is no business of the other spouse -- but I never have as I have enough to juggle in life, lol; too much trouble.

He's so great, but he refuses to discuss something that bothers his spouse? Sounds like a contradiction. Usually being a good spouse requires being attentive to your partner's wants and needs. Doesn't mean you have to 100% comply with everything, but at least discuss the difference. Are we to we believe sex is the only time he ignores your needs and wants? If yes, why does he become so selfish when it comes to sex, but he's very generous all other times?

Not a contradiction at all. People often have trauma that they aren't willing to discuss. It's fine -- not everyone needs to discuss everything, and talking about some things can in fact make it worse. Ultimately I was very willing to subjugate my desire to discuss it (and do it) to his need not to. I have never felt neglected in any other way, and don't feel that he is "selfish" at all. He is a very generous partner otherwise (and a very generous person in general, toward pretty much everyone). You seem to feel the need to convince yourself of something negative about a stranger on the internet's relationship -- perhaps you should look into why.

Meh.

Sex is not essential to living, but there is an undeniable assumption that sex is almost required and/or expected in marriage. Note I said almost, not always. A man who is not willing to at the very least discuss the issues is not generous in this aspect. He is indeed selfish in this aspect. It would be different if you started your marriage with the agreement that sex is off the table. But he went into marriage with a promise, written or unwritten, to be your sexual partner. He is breaking that promise and owes you a discussion on why.

But he owes you a discussion on why he cannot meet this expectation. This is like saying a husband can get up one day and decide to stop contributing financially to the house without any discussion on why his financial contributions are no longer possible, and you say " it's okay, because he is perfect in every other way," That is BS. It may be okay that he does not contributing financially, but it is definitely not okay that he thinks he can abandon his responsibility to contribute without at least having to explain why, trauma or not.

And it will be even more ridiculous to use trauma as an excuse if he is not seeking any help to resolve or reduce some of the trauma. We are all broken in one way or another. Using your brokeness as an excuse to treat your loved ones poorly ( refusing to discuss something as important as sex is treating your loved ones poorly) can be okay for a short while. After that, it becomes pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My problem isn’t that I’m not sleeping with DH, it’s that I don’t *want* to sleep with him because he let himself get so out of shape and he puts zero effort into our relationship.

I hear you. My wife has become so angry, controlling and judgmental over the years that the thought of sleeping with her disgusts me. Thankfully alcohol is the cure!

Wow, I hear you! Incredible how unattractive constant scowling and rudenesss can be. Are all women like this behind closed doors? Just pissy for no reason?

lol no reason. It’s because she hates you because you’re a low effort loser.