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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I mean ... I've just managed.

DH has zero interest, and I'm not going to force him. [b]He does not want to discuss it[/b], and I'm not going to force him to. [b]It bothered me[/b] for a while, when I was younger and had a stronger sex drive, but I got over it. When your spouse is amazing in every other regard, you can live without it. DH and I have been together for over 20 years and I still feel like I won the lottery because [b]he's so great [/b]and our life is better than anything I could have wished for. If that weren't the case? I wouldn't have put up with the dead bedroom part.

I also think that people who are in sexless marriages due to no fault of their own have the right to go look for that particular thing elsewhere and it is no business of the other spouse -- but I never have as I have enough to juggle in life, lol; too much trouble. [/quote]

He's so great, but he refuses to discuss something that bothers his spouse? Sounds like a contradiction. Usually being a good spouse requires being attentive to your partner's wants and needs. Doesn't mean you have to 100% comply with everything, but at least discuss the difference. Are we to we believe sex is the only time he ignores your needs and wants? If yes, why does he become so selfish when it comes to sex, but he's very generous all other times?[/quote]

Not a contradiction at all. People often have trauma that they aren't willing to discuss. It's fine -- not everyone needs to discuss everything, and talking about some things can in fact make it worse. Ultimately I was very willing to subjugate my desire to discuss it (and do it) to his need not to. I have never felt neglected in any other way, and don't feel that he is "selfish" at all. He is a very generous partner otherwise (and a very generous person in general, toward pretty much everyone). You seem to feel the need to convince yourself of something negative about a stranger on the internet's relationship -- perhaps you should look into why. [/quote]

Meh.

Sex is not essential to living,  but there is an undeniable assumption that sex is almost required and/or expected in marriage. Note I said almost, not always. A man who is not willing to at the very least discuss the issues is not generous in this aspect. He is indeed selfish in this aspect. It would be different if you started your marriage with the agreement that sex is off the table. But he went into marriage with a promise, written or unwritten, to be your sexual partner. He is breaking that promise and owes you a discussion on why.

But he owes you a discussion on why he cannot meet this expectation. This is like saying a husband can get up one day and decide to stop contributing financially to the house without any discussion on why his financial contributions are no longer possible, and you say " it's okay, because he is perfect in every other way," That is BS. It may be okay that he does not contributing financially, but it is definitely not okay that he thinks he can abandon his responsibility to contribute without at least having to explain why, trauma or not.

And it will be even more ridiculous to use trauma as an excuse if he is not seeking any help to resolve or reduce some of the trauma. We are all broken in one way or another. Using your brokeness as an excuse to treat your loved ones poorly ( refusing to discuss something as important as sex is treating your loved ones poorly) can be okay for a short while. After that, it becomes pathetic.[/quote]

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