How do people in dead bedroom marriages cope?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One solution is celibacy. Not good for most people.
One solution is masturbation. Same.
One solution is meaningless affairs. Same.
One solution is affairs that are both physical and emotional. Same.
One solution is making yourself much more physically attractive. This may work but also may create more opportunities for affairs.
One solution is being nicer, as in doing more stuff around the house, or becoming more empathetic, or becoming a better listener, or becoming less prone to anger, etc. This might not work but it's still worth trying.
One solution is trying hard to schedule date nights and couple times. Same.
One solution is ending the marriage.

That's pretty much the list I followed not in that order as well as a couple of others before finally noticing his cheating and actively looking for it. Then rinse and repeat knowing about the cheating till finally ending it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not that important

This
For me, I think for both of us.
We are happy in our lives. It’s all good.

Same. I'd honestly rather deal with a dead bedroom than other issues -- personal dislike, lack of respect, serious illness, major financial issues, etc.

Also I guess I did assume at some point sex would slow to the level we are at now (a couple times a year) but that it happened younger than I expected (mid 40s). So it was definitely disappointing but not shocking to me.

I also think it could actually come back when we are in a less stressful phase of life.

Yikes

But yes, a dead Br is a symptom of other major issues. Ideally those would be addressed, but that involves decent comms, conflict resolution and effort.

After one proves themselves to be unreliable or unsafe or extremely self-centered when met with life challenges, I don’t think they suddenly looks like a standout character way later when they have less stress. Self denial must run deep there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's the least of our problems.

This!

It was my first marriage. The sex issues were a symptom, not the disease.

[Anonymous]

DH is the one who doesn’t desire sex, in my case. Been together for 30+ years, and this started over 10 years ago. It’s a combination of medical and psychological issues and it was making him very miserable until I told him to chill. He will take care of me with non-PIV activities if I really need it, but we both know it’s not the same. He has told me to seek relief elsewhere. Everything else is wonderful and we are best friends, so I don’t want to mess things up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do they / you do it?

Lots and lots of porn and fapping.

[Anonymous]

I will say what I always say on these threads:

This situation is highly dependent on time of life.

A dead bedroom in your 30s is almost always a sign of serious issues. A dead bedroom in your 60s is usually not a sign of anything. 40s/50s... depends on the situation. A lot happens in those decades that can really depress libidos, though that same stuff can also cause other marital strain. It just depends on the couple and the situation.

These threads often devolve into one or two posters acting like sex is the only reason marriage exists, arguing with several posters who are likely a decade or two older whose marriages have several key benefits that have nothing to do with sex. It is seemingly impossible for these posters to understand each other, so I guess I only hope they aren't married to each other!

[Anonymous]

I got a second wife

[Anonymous]

AP is in a dead bedroom. Answer is a whole other relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is the one who doesn’t desire sex, in my case. Been together for 30+ years, and this started over 10 years ago. It’s a combination of medical and psychological issues and it was making him very miserable until I told him to chill. He will take care of me with non-PIV activities if I really need it, but we both know it’s not the same. He has told me to seek relief elsewhere. Everything else is wonderful and we are best friends, so I don’t want to mess things up.

Are you going to?

[Anonymous]

I have an affair. Sex is great with my AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH is the one who doesn’t desire sex, in my case. Been together for 30+ years, and this started over 10 years ago. It’s a combination of medical and psychological issues and it was making him very miserable until I told him to chill. He will take care of me with non-PIV activities if I really need it, but we both know it’s not the same. He has told me to seek relief elsewhere. Everything else is wonderful and we are best friends, so I don’t want to mess things up.

Are you going to?

No.

[Anonymous]

I mean ... I've just managed.

DH has zero interest, and I'm not going to force him. He does not want to discuss it, and I'm not going to force him to. It bothered me for a while, when I was younger and had a stronger sex drive, but I got over it. When your spouse is amazing in every other regard, you can live without it. DH and I have been together for over 20 years and I still feel like I won the lottery because he's so great and our life is better than anything I could have wished for. If that weren't the case? I wouldn't have put up with the dead bedroom part.

I also think that people who are in sexless marriages due to no fault of their own have the right to go look for that particular thing elsewhere and it is no business of the other spouse -- but I never have as I have enough to juggle in life, lol; too much trouble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know how. But if anybody says it on here they are the devil incarnate.

There’s no such thing as cheating in a dead bedroom marriage. The marriage is automatically open as soon as one spouse opts out of sex.

agree

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean ... I've just managed.

DH has zero interest, and I'm not going to force him. He does not want to discuss it, and I'm not going to force him to. It bothered me for a while, when I was younger and had a stronger sex drive, but I got over it. When your spouse is amazing in every other regard, you can live without it. DH and I have been together for over 20 years and I still feel like I won the lottery because he's so great and our life is better than anything I could have wished for. If that weren't the case? I wouldn't have put up with the dead bedroom part.

I also think that people who are in sexless marriages due to no fault of their own have the right to go look for that particular thing elsewhere and it is no business of the other spouse -- but I never have as I have enough to juggle in life, lol; too much trouble.

To this pp: Was your DH always like this, including when you met? And you were just OK with it because you really liked him? Or did it develop overtime?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an affair. Sex is great with my AP.

Ahh, I knew a selfish loser who lacks commitment, the ability to communicate and accountability would join this one. The dead bedroom in your case is likely do to you being a disgusting human. Good luck with the damage you caused.