Freshman is really unhappy, how typical is this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP and thank you for all your replies. I did write 2025 in error.

I really appreciate the variety of opinions and I need to read through them again when I have a minute at work.

She did just apply for an on-campus job as another avenue for connecting with other students. I'm proud of her for trying. I think she finds out about this next week and I really hope it works out. There were 6 positions and she applied to be one of the 6. Surely, they will take her? It's just been such a string of rejection after rejection and every opportunity (each club, fraternity, sorority, job) has required multiple interviews, often essays, etc. Another club app is due tonight and it's 6 essays for an outside chance of being chosen by the current students. It gets exhausting.

I'll probably write to the Office of student affairs if she does leave. I'll do this very kindly but I'd like to share her story.

A PP. The one who found my freshman year infuriating.

I wrote to National Merit when I explained why I wasn't renewing my school-supported scholarship. Never wrote the school though and nobody ever followed up to see why a straight-A student didn't return.

About a year later, I ran into my high school choir teacher and we caught up. The summer after I left my first university, because I had filled out a questionnaire for the honors college on "the high school teacher most influential to your high school success", she had been invited to a banquet/campus celebration. She said she was the only teacher present who wasn't a science or math teacher.

I was pleased to find out she had been honored. But her comment also reconfirmed for me why my initial choice was a mistake. I went to college expecting a broadening intellectual experience and ended up in a hard-partying engineering nerd monoculture.

As you can see, DCUM is where I share my story. I think personal stories do matter. But colleges usually don't do much with just one person's story. It's always easier to chalk that up to the person's idiosyncrasies.

Best wishes for a happier sophomore experience!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is more for parents of seniors who are reading this, but dorm selection can make such a huge difference and kids don’t usually have a lot of control over it. Freshman at my daughter’s school are placed all over to campuses. The most coveted dorms have students from more than one grade. They are closer to the fraternities and have bigger rooms. My daughter ended up in an older dorm that is only freshman. Her wing is not coed and I’m not sure if any of the building has coed wings. While she would love a larger room, she has friends all across campus and she is, without a doubt, in the most social dorm. I think there is something to be said for putting freshman with only other freshman. They all come into school looking to meet new people and she has made so many good friendships just from being in her dorm. During welcome week, the girls did leave their doors open and met a lot of people. Plus, they have a cafeteria in their building, so they’re constantly running into people they know. I remember hearing this advice from parents last year when we were all a little disgruntled about the building where our kids replaced. However, I would 100% advise your kid to be in a building with just freshman. It really helps build friendships.

How is this helpful when 95% of colleges don't let you pick your dorm?

There are ways to game the system when a seeing questions. Ask other kids at the school.

It depends on the school. I've had 3 freshman and one attended a school where the social freshman housing was gameable if you knew what to ask for (in that case it was a triple). Another one was basically "Insert name and prospective roommate's name and hit reply" and this was a school that is very popular on DCUM. There is simply no gaming that one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I transferred. My freshman year experience was infuriating from a social standpoint. I had a depressed, mean roommate, there were safety issues with drunk men in my dorm, and I was unsatisfied with the liberal arts college and honors program.

What helped a lot during the year was taking an active interest in my classes and going to office hours. There were at least 3 professors who made me feel seen. My Western History professor gave me a book off his shelf to keep. My English professor knew about my plans to transfer and discussed them with me and gave me advice about grad school. My Social Psychology professor was a really good prof who had lots of insights about people that I still remember. I was in two choirs and although nobody particularly reached out to me, making the music was a beautiful experience.

Transferring wasn't perfect. But the kids around me we were a better fit. More respect for the liberal arts. Humbler and less spoiled. I was delighted to get a single after a spending a year with a bad roommate. I joined a smaller choir and met my husband. I'm still sorry I didn't start there my freshman year.

This was a flagship to flagship move, maybe a slight step down in prestige. It was closer to home although I didn't go home much.

My feedback to you is that it's good to have options but also to be open-eyed.

Maybe your daughter needs to keep looking at EC's. Maybe she could put out a call for roommates for a shared apartment for next year, etc.

Keep in mind that things go very similarly when you move out of home/away and take a first job. That can also be isolating. And it takes time to reassemble a community around yourself.

Poster 12:23 here. This is all excellent advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s no guarantee that a transfer would improve the situation, especially because she’d be trying to break into cohorts established the year before. HOWEVER. She’s miserable. She’s tried *really hard* to get involved.

Look for schools that offer transition support for transfer students, like orientation cohorts. She can ask admissions office about that. And/or schools where joining sororities in soph year is reasonably common.

It’s definitely worth at least looking around and applying so she has options if things don’t suddenly turn around.

+1 Agree. Let her apply and see how she feels once she has other options in a few months. It sounds like she just hasn't been able to break into what amounts to quite exclusionary social circles at her institution. Not all institutions are like that. Maybe things will turn around for her in a few months, but I would definitely want my kid to have some options at this point.

I agree wholeheartedly. Let her apply to some other schools so she has some options. Four years is a very long time to be stuck at a place that isn’t a good fit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:my advice is always the same:

do the transfer apps
keep trying

make a decision later. you'll know what all the options are - where she got in via transfer and if she's any happier where she is.

wishing her a better Spring

This is great advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is more for parents of seniors who are reading this, but dorm selection can make such a huge difference and kids don’t usually have a lot of control over it. Freshman at my daughter’s school are placed all over to campuses. The most coveted dorms have students from more than one grade. They are closer to the fraternities and have bigger rooms. My daughter ended up in an older dorm that is only freshman. Her wing is not coed and I’m not sure if any of the building has coed wings. While she would love a larger room, she has friends all across campus and she is, without a doubt, in the most social dorm. I think there is something to be said for putting freshman with only other freshman. They all come into school looking to meet new people and she has made so many good friendships just from being in her dorm. During welcome week, the girls did leave their doors open and met a lot of people. Plus, they have a cafeteria in their building, so they’re constantly running into people they know. I remember hearing this advice from parents last year when we were all a little disgruntled about the building where our kids replaced. However, I would 100% advise your kid to be in a building with just freshman. It really helps build friendships.

How is this helpful when 95% of colleges don't let you pick your dorm?

That is not accurate. Many of my kids friends got to pick their dorm. They may not have had choices over all of them, but most of them did have a choice.

[Anonymous]

OP, it is pretty typical. Unless, you are going to your state flagship with a bunch of your HS friends and rooming with a friend. New place is difficult. But, I promise that this will get better.

[Anonymous]

My husband was miserable his freshmen year of college and transferred. He was much happier at his new school and the transfers all became friends. Sometimes the school isn’t a good fit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s also worth keeping in mind that kids dump to their moms. That is, she calls you and she’s the most miserable to tell you how miserable she is. It doesn’t mean she’s completely miserable all the time. I think you remind her that she’s doing the right things and reinforce her autonomy to change her situation- by transferring or taking a semester off or going abroad or whatever.

Dump to their parents. You don't know OP is the mom. What a peculiar assumption.

Of course it’s the mom posting. Please.

+1
usually, kids turn to the mom for emotional support, and usually, it's the moms looking for advice on all things related to emotional support. Dads usually have an attitude of "you'll figure it out".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP and thank you for all your replies. I did write 2025 in error.

I really appreciate the variety of opinions and I need to read through them again when I have a minute at work.

She did just apply for an on-campus job as another avenue for connecting with other students. I'm proud of her for trying. I think she finds out about this next week and I really hope it works out. There were 6 positions and she applied to be one of the 6. Surely, they will take her? It's just been such a string of rejection after rejection and every opportunity (each club, fraternity, sorority, job) has required multiple interviews, often essays, etc. Another club app is due tonight and it's 6 essays for an outside chance of being chosen by the current students. It gets exhausting.

I'll probably write to the Office of student affairs if she does leave. I'll do this very kindly but I'd like to share her story.

This sounds like a really miserable environment for a lot of students.

NP.

Thought the same and I have to wonder if this is JHU being discussed?

[Anonymous]

I don't think OP has said if her daughter is at a small or large school, but I think it's interesting that some people are saying she should transfer to a smaller school. I went to a big state school and when I read her post I thought, "She'd be better off at a big school." More opportunities to get involved and it can be easier to find your people at a place with A LOT of different types of people!

Either way, she should at least apply to transfer, as others have said, in case things don't get better, and make sure she asks questions about how hard it is to get into clubs and other activities, what dorm life is like, talk to students, etc. Focus on fit more than rankings. A lot of the college friends I'm still close with 30+ years later are people I met sophomore year. She'll make friends if she's at the right school for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s also worth keeping in mind that kids dump to their moms. That is, she calls you and she’s the most miserable to tell you how miserable she is. It doesn’t mean she’s completely miserable all the time. I think you remind her that she’s doing the right things and reinforce her autonomy to change her situation- by transferring or taking a semester off or going abroad or whatever.

Dump to their parents. You don't know OP is the mom. What a peculiar assumption.

There is nothing peculiar about this! Of course it is the mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s also worth keeping in mind that kids dump to their moms. That is, she calls you and she’s the most miserable to tell you how miserable she is. It doesn’t mean she’s completely miserable all the time. I think you remind her that she’s doing the right things and reinforce her autonomy to change her situation- by transferring or taking a semester off or going abroad or whatever.

Dump to their parents. You don't know OP is the mom. What a peculiar assumption.

There is nothing peculiar about this! Of course it is the mom.

totally

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP and thank you for all your replies. I did write 2025 in error.

I really appreciate the variety of opinions and I need to read through them again when I have a minute at work.

She did just apply for an on-campus job as another avenue for connecting with other students. I'm proud of her for trying. I think she finds out about this next week and I really hope it works out. There were 6 positions and she applied to be one of the 6. Surely, they will take her? It's just been such a string of rejection after rejection and every opportunity (each club, fraternity, sorority, job) has required multiple interviews, often essays, etc. Another club app is due tonight and it's 6 essays for an outside chance of being chosen by the current students. It gets exhausting.

I'll probably write to the Office of student affairs if she does leave. I'll do this very kindly but I'd like to share her story.

This sounds like a really miserable environment for a lot of students.

NP.

Thought the same and I have to wonder if this is JHU being discussed?

The single rooms, highly rejective club culture, and spring rush brought Yale to mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP and thank you for all your replies. I did write 2025 in error.

I really appreciate the variety of opinions and I need to read through them again when I have a minute at work.

She did just apply for an on-campus job as another avenue for connecting with other students. I'm proud of her for trying. I think she finds out about this next week and I really hope it works out. There were 6 positions and she applied to be one of the 6. Surely, they will take her? It's just been such a string of rejection after rejection and every opportunity (each club, fraternity, sorority, job) has required multiple interviews, often essays, etc. Another club app is due tonight and it's 6 essays for an outside chance of being chosen by the current students. It gets exhausting.

I'll probably write to the Office of student affairs if she does leave. I'll do this very kindly but I'd like to share her story.

This sounds like a really miserable environment for a lot of students.

NP.

Thought the same and I have to wonder if this is JHU being discussed?

The single rooms, highly rejective club culture, and spring rush brought Yale to mind.

Columbia also has a lot of single rooms, spring rush, and highly rejective club culture