Freshman is really unhappy, how typical is this?

[Anonymous]

I have high schoolers, but i will say, on my DC (as in the district not dear child) block, there have been three students who have ended up transferring after their freshman years! 3 out of the 7 I know! They all seem so much happier now. These are all recent - still in undergrad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am wondering if anyone can relate to this and maybe give some advice.

My daughter is at a top 30 university (I'm being very vague for privacy). In her high school she was a very happy kid. She had a big coed group of friends, a casual boyfriend, and three very close, lifelong-type girlfriends. She did very well in school with strong grades and interests. She was always a easy, stable child and we did not worry much about her.

She started college in the fall, and since then it has been very difficult. She often feels like she does not belong and cannot find her people at this school. Her roommate is very quiet and keeps to herself. Her dorm hall has mostly single rooms, and students do not really interact. The RA also did not organize activities. Because of this, she tried to join clubs. She was rejected from 4-6 academic ones, or did not even get interviews. She joined a few non-academic "fun" clubs and made some friends there. Awesome! We felt better because instead of saying “I hate it here,” she started saying, “I don’t feel like I belong, but I have some friends.”

Then this spring she rushed a sorority, but she did not get a house. This was really hard because she was really hoping this would help her build a friend group and on paper she's sorority girl material (mainstream, very social, all that). After this rejection, she interviewed for other organizations—a major-specific club, a co-ed fraternity, and several other clubs—but she was not accepted into any of them, even after long interview processes over the course of January. Some of the friends she made in the fall had more success with sororities, and now she feels like those friendships are fading.There is also no dating culture on campus, which is long down on the list of issues but a bummer none-the-less. Perhaps the one bright spot is academics. She's doing well.

We spoke with her last night, and she is truly miserable. If she was unhappy in the fall, she is much more unhappy now. She wants to transfer schools, and applications are due soon. We support her fully, but at the same time, this is a big decision and we worry that things may not be better somewhere else. She used to be a happy, smart, social, friendly young person, and this year has just been really hard for her. She cannot find her community, she has faced a lot of rejection from anything that is not open to everyone, and she is working very hard academically. College is nothing like what she hoped for, and very different from what I experienced. It feels lonely and difficult. We did connect her with a therapist back in November, and she has been meeting regularly, which has helped her process her feelings.

Is this a normal experience for students in 2025? If she transfers, is it likely she will find something better? I would really appreciate hearing others’ thoughts or experiences. Please be kind.

I'm sorry, OP. I know this is hard. Some points to consider and I am being kind, although possibly blunter than you want to hear.

You had the typical golden girl in high school. Life was great. Everything handed to her; oh, sure she worked for her grades, but still. A first world lifestyle.

This is the first real challenge she's most likely ever had.

It sucks. Friends are important.

The odds that transferring will improve this situation, e.g. going to a new school as a sophomore, are a longshot. Friend groups will be long-established there as well. Even if she goes to a school with some of her high school buddies, they have moved on.

This situation is very, very common. She is far from the first star to face this situation when confronting a new environment.

Rather than focusing on solving her immediate problem, what do you want her lifelong lesson to be? She picked this school for a reason. Presumably, the reason is still there. So it's hard. Life's hard, at least in the adult world. This is her first taste of that.

Her grades are good. That is VERY VERY important. She needs to continue to focus on that for the rest of freshman year. That is something she can effect now.

What is she doing this summer? She needs to have some fun, but also something productive in her life.

If this were my DD, I would not support a transfer at this point. She needs to finish the year strong and commit to next year. If she is still feeling this way about the school a year from now, I would consider the transfer. She will be older, presumably more mature and have really give this school her best shot.

But, I would be shocked if a year from now she still feels the same way.

this is bad advice imo. lots of kids transfer and sooner is better. that guy Harlan has a lot of videos on this. start the transfer process, and if things improve where she is .. even better. but transferring before junior year is a terrible idea. it's now or never (if it's never, she should do junior year abroad if unhappy)

Agree. The OP didn't give enough info for us to judge the dynamic, much less weigh the odds of a successful transfer. Many kids do transfer and are happier, so reflexively framing it as a non-starter is misguided.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am wondering if anyone can relate to this and maybe give some advice.

My daughter is at a top 30 university (I'm being very vague for privacy). In her high school she was a very happy kid. She had a big coed group of friends, a casual boyfriend, and three very close, lifelong-type girlfriends. She did very well in school with strong grades and interests. She was always a easy, stable child and we did not worry much about her.

She started college in the fall, and since then it has been very difficult. She often feels like she does not belong and cannot find her people at this school. Her roommate is very quiet and keeps to herself. Her dorm hall has mostly single rooms, and students do not really interact. The RA also did not organize activities. Because of this, she tried to join clubs. She was rejected from 4-6 academic ones, or did not even get interviews. She joined a few non-academic "fun" clubs and made some friends there. Awesome! We felt better because instead of saying “I hate it here,” she started saying, “I don’t feel like I belong, but I have some friends.”

Then this spring she rushed a sorority, but she did not get a house. This was really hard because she was really hoping this would help her build a friend group and on paper she's sorority girl material (mainstream, very social, all that). After this rejection, she interviewed for other organizations—a major-specific club, a co-ed fraternity, and several other clubs—but she was not accepted into any of them, even after long interview processes over the course of January. Some of the friends she made in the fall had more success with sororities, and now she feels like those friendships are fading.There is also no dating culture on campus, which is long down on the list of issues but a bummer none-the-less. Perhaps the one bright spot is academics. She's doing well.

We spoke with her last night, and she is truly miserable. If she was unhappy in the fall, she is much more unhappy now. She wants to transfer schools, and applications are due soon. We support her fully, but at the same time, this is a big decision and we worry that things may not be better somewhere else. She used to be a happy, smart, social, friendly young person, and this year has just been really hard for her. She cannot find her community, she has faced a lot of rejection from anything that is not open to everyone, and she is working very hard academically. College is nothing like what she hoped for, and very different from what I experienced. It feels lonely and difficult. We did connect her with a therapist back in November, and she has been meeting regularly, which has helped her process her feelings.

Is this a normal experience for students in 2025? If she transfers, is it likely she will find something better? I would really appreciate hearing others’ thoughts or experiences. Please be kind.

I'm sorry, OP. I know this is hard. Some points to consider and I am being kind, although possibly blunter than you want to hear.

You had the typical golden girl in high school. Life was great. Everything handed to her; oh, sure she worked for her grades, but still. A first world lifestyle.

This is the first real challenge she's most likely ever had.

It sucks. Friends are important.

The odds that transferring will improve this situation, e.g. going to a new school as a sophomore, are a longshot. Friend groups will be long-established there as well. Even if she goes to a school with some of her high school buddies, they have moved on.

This situation is very, very common. She is far from the first star to face this situation when confronting a new environment.

Rather than focusing on solving her immediate problem, what do you want her lifelong lesson to be? She picked this school for a reason. Presumably, the reason is still there. So it's hard. Life's hard, at least in the adult world. This is her first taste of that.

Her grades are good. That is VERY VERY important. She needs to continue to focus on that for the rest of freshman year. That is something she can effect now.

What is she doing this summer? She needs to have some fun, but also something productive in her life.

If this were my DD, I would not support a transfer at this point. She needs to finish the year strong and commit to next year. If she is still feeling this way about the school a year from now, I would consider the transfer. She will be older, presumably more mature and have really give this school her best shot.

But, I would be shocked if a year from now she still feels the same way.

this is bad advice imo. lots of kids transfer and sooner is better. that guy Harlan has a lot of videos on this. start the transfer process, and if things improve where she is .. even better. but transferring before junior year is a terrible idea. it's now or never (if it's never, she should do junior year abroad if unhappy)

NP. Just because "lots of kids" do it (?) does not mean that it's a good idea. And, you have no idea what their outcomes are.

As PP said, wherever you go, there you are.

I've known several kids who transferred and were much happier. Outcomes were good. I doubt I'm alone in this.

[Anonymous]

I'd have a 2 prong approach. Because deadlines are approaching, I'd first help her get some transfer applications out. That will keep her busy and distracted for a couple of weeks. Sounds like the kid is already making a big effort but encourage them to keep trying. If they are a good student, apply to be a TA. Make plans with acquaintances she has. Take a fitness class. Find a no cut fun club. A pp mentioned faith based groups and that is another avenue. Volunteer. If they want to try again at greek life, see if there is post rush cob in the spring or fall. The friends who got bids will be busy in the short term, but stay connected bc things will settke down. Does dd know any older girls at the school - maybe from her hs or friend of a friend? My freshman set up coffee mtgs with older girls and they gave her a lot of advice and encouragement when things haven't always gone well. They have been good mentors. All of them acknowledged that they didn't get their social footing until well into the spring senester. Good luck!!! Also want to add that some schools accept transfers in the spring semester (which I never knew). We know a kid who transfered to Brown in spring semester of their sophomore year. I think the deadline for spring transfer was in the fall.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry it’s tough! My daughter also applied to a business fraternity both her spring semester of freshman year and fall sophomore year and made it to the last round and wasn’t selected. She said no more as it was so much work (a week) and too stressful. It’s ridiculous how exclusive these professional fraternities are.

[Anonymous]

My daughter transferred and it was 100% the right choice for her. She knew from the first week that the school was the wrong choice (she was bullied badly by her suitemates). It turns out that all of her friends (she made a few and actually had fun second semester) transferred as well. She is so happy at her new school an it’s a better school with better opportunities and shade a very close and fun friend group.

That said, transferring is not magic. You have to do the acclimation all over again and make friends all over. You have to really want it to succeed. Mine transferred after freshman year, which I would recommend if possible because why make something work that is not likely to work? Why waste time?

I would recommend she apply for transfers and make a decision in late spring/early summer. Maybe she will decide she likes her current school or maybe not. This gives her options.

I explained to my daughter that she realistically could only transfer once so she had to make sure it was the right decision. TBH, I feel like she kind of got lucky with her transfer. She was truthfully focusing too much on prestige and it could have gone very wrong. She has had tough times at her new schools (similar club experiences, one tough semester grade wise, etc) and it was not until her second and third semester at the new school she started to love it. So make sure she understands it is not a magic pill. She still has to do the work. For example, her first semester, she called me sad and we actually created a plan for making friends with goals and deliverables, etc. sounds silly, but it gave her something to focus on and got her out there meeting people. It was the beginning of a turn around. She was too depressed at her old school and could never have done that.

[Anonymous]

It’s common for it to take some time to find friend group at college. I think what’s not as common, is if the school is really a good fit, for a kid to put themselves out there and really try so many things and nothing works out. I agree with the previous posters that your kid should put in applications so they at least have the option to transfer and start elsewhere in the fall.

As far as how much effort to put into making a last ditch effort this semester - if your daughter either really wants to be involved in Greek Life or the school heavily revolves around Greek life, I don’t know that she would be happy even if she found a student organization that was really social at this point. However, if she is still open, she has to find the clubs/student organizations that are not competitive to get in that have lots of social interaction and aligns with something she is interested in doing. If she doesn’t know of them AND is willing to still try, you can check the parent FB group for suggestions people have made in the past. If nothing has been posted you can ask your daughter if you can post something anonymously on the parent board that is a general ask and not close enough to the DCUM so it’s identifiable. As far as transferring , she should look at what environment has opportunities for transfers to find their community - it could be either intentional programming around transfers or that your kid knows an activity they want to pursue has more possibilities and that activity welcome new people and has a social component. Or they find a place that has more people they know/closer to home. All while it being someplace that academically they can still accomplish their goals.

[Anonymous]

I think this is very typical at the more selective schools and sounds a lot like what my kid has shared and from what I can see on the school's parent FB page, it seems like a lot of kids go through this. My kid had a similar experience with rush but admits that it wouldn't have been a great fit for her (she just viewed it as easier access to friendships). She has made friends through some non-competitive clubs and did get selected for one that had interviews/coffee chats but admits this is more of a resume builder vs "social". She's made some connections and starting to feel more like she has some people to hang out with. College isn't like HS where you see the same people all day every day and everyone is in the same building. It can take longer to get to know people and build the network. I would ask her about why she chose this particular college to begin with? Social issues aside, does it still fit? If not transferring is likely the right answer. If the non social things still feel right, then maybe she just needs to keep trying to meet people and building her network.

[Anonymous]

I didn't wade through all 9 pages, but is it common for colleges to have so many clubs that gatekeep like this? It certainly wasn't when I was in school. My oldest is a junior and this would have made her absolutely miserable... thankfully the only thing she ever had to apply for was a language house. All her other clubs are happy to include everyone and very welcoming. I think at least one had a "big/little" match-up like the sororities do to help the new freshmen feel more connected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The competitive clubs just seem so annoying and needlessly hard, but I also think kids in 2026 are not as good at making friends as we were. It seems like a slower process overall.

+ 1. Yes and the colleges list so many available clubs when HS kids are applying to colleges.

My daughter has the same tight knit big group of friends since elementary school and they have gone through HS together. I think this makes it a little harder for her to make friends….she hasn’t had many experiences making new friends and breaking the ice. She is slowly making a few good college friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't wade through all 9 pages, but is it common for colleges to have so many clubs that gatekeep like this? It certainly wasn't when I was in school. My oldest is a junior and this would have made her absolutely miserable... thankfully the only thing she ever had to apply for was a language house. All her other clubs are happy to include everyone and very welcoming. I think at least one had a "big/little" match-up like the sororities do to help the new freshmen feel more connected.

Yes, and this is going to be a big shock for many parents. It definitely wasn't like this "back in our day." But it is now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am wondering if anyone can relate to this and maybe give some advice.

My daughter is at a top 30 university (I'm being very vague for privacy). In her high school she was a very happy kid. She had a big coed group of friends, a casual boyfriend, and three very close, lifelong-type girlfriends. She did very well in school with strong grades and interests. She was always a easy, stable child and we did not worry much about her.

She started college in the fall, and since then it has been very difficult. She often feels like she does not belong and cannot find her people at this school. Her roommate is very quiet and keeps to herself. Her dorm hall has mostly single rooms, and students do not really interact. The RA also did not organize activities. Because of this, she tried to join clubs. She was rejected from 4-6 academic ones, or did not even get interviews. She joined a few non-academic "fun" clubs and made some friends there. Awesome! We felt better because instead of saying “I hate it here,” she started saying, “I don’t feel like I belong, but I have some friends.”

Then this spring she rushed a sorority, but she did not get a house. This was really hard because she was really hoping this would help her build a friend group and on paper she's sorority girl material (mainstream, very social, all that). After this rejection, she interviewed for other organizations—a major-specific club, a co-ed fraternity, and several other clubs—but she was not accepted into any of them, even after long interview processes over the course of January. Some of the friends she made in the fall had more success with sororities, and now she feels like those friendships are fading.There is also no dating culture on campus, which is long down on the list of issues but a bummer none-the-less. Perhaps the one bright spot is academics. She's doing well.

We spoke with her last night, and she is truly miserable. If she was unhappy in the fall, she is much more unhappy now. She wants to transfer schools, and applications are due soon. We support her fully, but at the same time, this is a big decision and we worry that things may not be better somewhere else. She used to be a happy, smart, social, friendly young person, and this year has just been really hard for her. She cannot find her community, she has faced a lot of rejection from anything that is not open to everyone, and she is working very hard academically. College is nothing like what she hoped for, and very different from what I experienced. It feels lonely and difficult. We did connect her with a therapist back in November, and she has been meeting regularly, which has helped her process her feelings.

Is this a normal experience for students in 2025? If she transfers, is it likely she will find something better? I would really appreciate hearing others’ thoughts or experiences. Please be kind.

I'm sorry, OP. I know this is hard. Some points to consider and I am being kind, although possibly blunter than you want to hear.

You had the typical golden girl in high school. Life was great. Everything handed to her; oh, sure she worked for her grades, but still. A first world lifestyle.

This is the first real challenge she's most likely ever had.

It sucks. Friends are important.

The odds that transferring will improve this situation, e.g. going to a new school as a sophomore, are a longshot. Friend groups will be long-established there as well. Even if she goes to a school with some of her high school buddies, they have moved on.

This situation is very, very common. She is far from the first star to face this situation when confronting a new environment.

Rather than focusing on solving her immediate problem, what do you want her lifelong lesson to be? She picked this school for a reason. Presumably, the reason is still there. So it's hard. Life's hard, at least in the adult world. This is her first taste of that.

Her grades are good. That is VERY VERY important. She needs to continue to focus on that for the rest of freshman year. That is something she can effect now.

What is she doing this summer? She needs to have some fun, but also something productive in her life.

If this were my DD, I would not support a transfer at this point. She needs to finish the year strong and commit to next year. If she is still feeling this way about the school a year from now, I would consider the transfer. She will be older, presumably more mature and have really give this school her best shot.

But, I would be shocked if a year from now she still feels the same way.

this is bad advice imo. lots of kids transfer and sooner is better. that guy Harlan has a lot of videos on this. start the transfer process, and if things improve where she is .. even better. but transferring before junior year is a terrible idea. it's now or never (if it's never, she should do junior year abroad if unhappy)

NP. Just because "lots of kids" do it (?) does not mean that it's a good idea. And, you have no idea what their outcomes are.

As PP said, wherever you go, there you are.

I've known several kids who transferred and were much happier. Outcomes were good. I doubt I'm alone in this.

It can go both ways, I also know kids who remained lost at the new school. It’s really important to get fit right at the second school.

[Anonymous]

As someone who went to colleges a few decades, two key differences that make it harder for kids today. First, the difficulty getting in clubs. Everything is subjective and requires an interview or a try out or both,

The bigger problem in my mind is the dining situation. Choice is bad. Back in the day, freshman tended to have access to one dining hall and there was no to go option, so students were all in the same boat and it wasn’t weird to sit with random people and make friends. Now you can go to one of ten different cafeterias or fast food places and kids aren’t forced to congregate together a few times a day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The competitive clubs just seem so annoying and needlessly hard, but I also think kids in 2026 are not as good at making friends as we were. It seems like a slower process overall.

+ 1. Yes and the colleges list so many available clubs when HS kids are applying to colleges.

My daughter has the same tight knit big group of friends since elementary school and they have gone through HS together. I think this makes it a little harder for her to make friends….she hasn’t had many experiences making new friends and breaking the ice. She is slowly making a few good college friends.

I do agree it can be harder because people are on their phones or social media versus trying to make conversation in those moments when back in the day we would have small talk when wiring for the bus, before class started etc. I don’t know that people are as outgoing at the beginning of the year either with keeping doors open and talking and meeting everyone etc. That said, I think you do see an even bigger impact of clubs and organizations in bridging that gap. It’s just unfortunate that it’s also gotten harder to get involved at some colleges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who went to colleges a few decades, two key differences that make it harder for kids today. First, the difficulty getting in clubs. Everything is subjective and requires an interview or a try out or both,

The bigger problem in my mind is the dining situation. Choice is bad. Back in the day, freshman tended to have access to one dining hall and there was no to go option, so students were all in the same boat and it wasn’t weird to sit with random people and make friends. Now you can go to one of ten different cafeterias or fast food places and kids aren’t forced to congregate together a few times a day.

This is all so true. Almost all clubs were non-competitive when I was in college. No tryouts, more just showing up. Maybe there was a training course/process you had to go through for some volunteering ones or publications or mandatory practices for intramurals, but everyone who took it seriously made it through and it was based on showing up to things, and putting in the effort do certain things.