Freshman is really unhappy, how typical is this?

[Anonymous]

I am wondering if anyone can relate to this and maybe give some advice.

My daughter is at a top 30 university (I'm being very vague for privacy). In her high school she was a very happy kid. She had a big coed group of friends, a casual boyfriend, and three very close, lifelong-type girlfriends. She did very well in school with strong grades and interests. She was always a easy, stable child and we did not worry much about her.

She started college in the fall, and since then it has been very difficult. She often feels like she does not belong and cannot find her people at this school. Her roommate is very quiet and keeps to herself. Her dorm hall has mostly single rooms, and students do not really interact. The RA also did not organize activities. Because of this, she tried to join clubs. She was rejected from 4-6 academic ones, or did not even get interviews. She joined a few non-academic "fun" clubs and made some friends there. Awesome! We felt better because instead of saying “I hate it here,” she started saying, “I don’t feel like I belong, but I have some friends.”

Then this spring she rushed a sorority, but she did not get a house. This was really hard because she was really hoping this would help her build a friend group and on paper she's sorority girl material (mainstream, very social, all that). After this rejection, she interviewed for other organizations—a major-specific club, a co-ed fraternity, and several other clubs—but she was not accepted into any of them, even after long interview processes over the course of January. Some of the friends she made in the fall had more success with sororities, and now she feels like those friendships are fading.There is also no dating culture on campus, which is long down on the list of issues but a bummer none-the-less. Perhaps the one bright spot is academics. She's doing well.

We spoke with her last night, and she is truly miserable. If she was unhappy in the fall, she is much more unhappy now. She wants to transfer schools, and applications are due soon. We support her fully, but at the same time, this is a big decision and we worry that things may not be better somewhere else. She used to be a happy, smart, social, friendly young person, and this year has just been really hard for her. She cannot find her community, she has faced a lot of rejection from anything that is not open to everyone, and she is working very hard academically. College is nothing like what she hoped for, and very different from what I experienced. It feels lonely and difficult. We did connect her with a therapist back in November, and she has been meeting regularly, which has helped her process her feelings.

Is this a normal experience for students in 2025? If she transfers, is it likely she will find something better? I would really appreciate hearing others’ thoughts or experiences. Please be kind.

[Anonymous]

There’s no guarantee that a transfer would improve the situation, especially because she’d be trying to break into cohorts established the year before. HOWEVER. She’s miserable. She’s tried *really hard* to get involved.

Look for schools that offer transition support for transfer students, like orientation cohorts. She can ask admissions office about that. And/or schools where joining sororities in soph year is reasonably common.

It’s definitely worth at least looking around and applying so she has options if things don’t suddenly turn around.

[Anonymous]

Some transfer
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1300489.page#31109371

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am wondering if anyone can relate to this and maybe give some advice.

My daughter is at a top 30 university (I'm being very vague for privacy). In her high school she was a very happy kid. She had a big coed group of friends, a casual boyfriend, and three very close, lifelong-type girlfriends. She did very well in school with strong grades and interests. She was always a easy, stable child and we did not worry much about her.

She started college in the fall, and since then it has been very difficult. She often feels like she does not belong and cannot find her people at this school. Her roommate is very quiet and keeps to herself. Her dorm hall has mostly single rooms, and students do not really interact. The RA also did not organize activities. Because of this, she tried to join clubs. She was rejected from 4-6 academic ones, or did not even get interviews. She joined a few non-academic "fun" clubs and made some friends there. Awesome! We felt better because instead of saying “I hate it here,” she started saying, “I don’t feel like I belong, but I have some friends.”

Then this spring she rushed a sorority, but she did not get a house. This was really hard because she was really hoping this would help her build a friend group and on paper she's sorority girl material (mainstream, very social, all that). After this rejection, she interviewed for other organizations—a major-specific club, a co-ed fraternity, and several other clubs—but she was not accepted into any of them, even after long interview processes over the course of January. Some of the friends she made in the fall had more success with sororities, and now she feels like those friendships are fading.There is also no dating culture on campus, which is long down on the list of issues but a bummer none-the-less. Perhaps the one bright spot is academics. She's doing well.

We spoke with her last night, and she is truly miserable. If she was unhappy in the fall, she is much more unhappy now. She wants to transfer schools, and applications are due soon. We support her fully, but at the same time, this is a big decision and we worry that things may not be better somewhere else. She used to be a happy, smart, social, friendly young person, and this year has just been really hard for her. She cannot find her community, she has faced a lot of rejection from anything that is not open to everyone, and she is working very hard academically. College is nothing like what she hoped for, and very different from what I experienced. It feels lonely and difficult. We did connect her with a therapist back in November, and she has been meeting regularly, which has helped her process her feelings.

Is this a normal experience for students in 2025? If she transfers, is it likely she will find something better? I would really appreciate hearing others’ thoughts or experiences. Please be kind.

I'm sorry, OP. I know this is hard. Some points to consider and I am being kind, although possibly blunter than you want to hear.

You had the typical golden girl in high school. Life was great. Everything handed to her; oh, sure she worked for her grades, but still. A first world lifestyle.

This is the first real challenge she's most likely ever had.

It sucks. Friends are important.

The odds that transferring will improve this situation, e.g. going to a new school as a sophomore, are a longshot. Friend groups will be long-established there as well. Even if she goes to a school with some of her high school buddies, they have moved on.

This situation is very, very common. She is far from the first star to face this situation when confronting a new environment.

Rather than focusing on solving her immediate problem, what do you want her lifelong lesson to be? She picked this school for a reason. Presumably, the reason is still there. So it's hard. Life's hard, at least in the adult world. This is her first taste of that.

Her grades are good. That is VERY VERY important. She needs to continue to focus on that for the rest of freshman year. That is something she can effect now.

What is she doing this summer? She needs to have some fun, but also something productive in her life.

If this were my DD, I would not support a transfer at this point. She needs to finish the year strong and commit to next year. If she is still feeling this way about the school a year from now, I would consider the transfer. She will be older, presumably more mature and have really give this school her best shot.

But, I would be shocked if a year from now she still feels the same way.

[Anonymous]

Not every school is a good fit. Is the school too big? Where did her friends go to school? Does she visit them? Where would she like to transfer?

I know someone who really disliked VaTech. She transferred to JMU and a smaller school was a better fit. It was easier to make friends and smaller class sizes helped.

[Anonymous]

can she join any non-cut clubs/interest groups? those competitive clubs/sororities sound brutal (DD current freshman as well) and would gut punch all of us adults as well! good for her for trying. DD didn't rush as not her vibe but she did join some non-cut career interest and affinity groups that are low key during fall semester.

this semester, she threw her hat into rushing for 2 pre-professional clubs - one is more competitive but i think the other one has a much lower bar. just something to consider. i think it's hard to transfer as the saying goes, whereever you go, there you are. although if the setting is very different and overall less competitive, that may be a different situation.

[Anonymous]

my advice is always the same:

do the transfer apps
keep trying

make a decision later. you'll know what all the options are - where she got in via transfer and if she's any happier where she is.

wishing her a better Spring

[Anonymous]

My oldest was also very happy in high school and struggled a ton his freshman year. I think kids who had great high school experiences can feel VERY unmoored in college especially if they go where they don't know anyone else. It is a very new feeling for them.

His freshman year of college was a huge hit to his ego socially and academically and he was miserable, probably more than he let on. He was preparing transfer apps in Feb and March. However, something clicked in late March which was a turning point for him and he decided he didn't want to transfer after all. He is a senior now and is already sad about having to graduate in May.

I think he dropped some expectations, started bonding with a few people in the spring, and changed his major which made him feel less 'trapped' and that he had more autonomy that he realized. He also knew he would be getting a car for his sophomore year and I think that helped him too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am wondering if anyone can relate to this and maybe give some advice.

My daughter is at a top 30 university (I'm being very vague for privacy). In her high school she was a very happy kid. She had a big coed group of friends, a casual boyfriend, and three very close, lifelong-type girlfriends. She did very well in school with strong grades and interests. She was always a easy, stable child and we did not worry much about her.

She started college in the fall, and since then it has been very difficult. She often feels like she does not belong and cannot find her people at this school. Her roommate is very quiet and keeps to herself. Her dorm hall has mostly single rooms, and students do not really interact. The RA also did not organize activities. Because of this, she tried to join clubs. She was rejected from 4-6 academic ones, or did not even get interviews. She joined a few non-academic "fun" clubs and made some friends there. Awesome! We felt better because instead of saying “I hate it here,” she started saying, “I don’t feel like I belong, but I have some friends.”

Then this spring she rushed a sorority, but she did not get a house. This was really hard because she was really hoping this would help her build a friend group and on paper she's sorority girl material (mainstream, very social, all that). After this rejection, she interviewed for other organizations—a major-specific club, a co-ed fraternity, and several other clubs—but she was not accepted into any of them, even after long interview processes over the course of January. Some of the friends she made in the fall had more success with sororities, and now she feels like those friendships are fading.There is also no dating culture on campus, which is long down on the list of issues but a bummer none-the-less. Perhaps the one bright spot is academics. She's doing well.

We spoke with her last night, and she is truly miserable. If she was unhappy in the fall, she is much more unhappy now. She wants to transfer schools, and applications are due soon. We support her fully, but at the same time, this is a big decision and we worry that things may not be better somewhere else. She used to be a happy, smart, social, friendly young person, and this year has just been really hard for her. She cannot find her community, she has faced a lot of rejection from anything that is not open to everyone, and she is working very hard academically. College is nothing like what she hoped for, and very different from what I experienced. It feels lonely and difficult. We did connect her with a therapist back in November, and she has been meeting regularly, which has helped her process her feelings.

Is this a normal experience for students in 2025? If she transfers, is it likely she will find something better? I would really appreciate hearing others’ thoughts or experiences. Please be kind.

I'm sorry, OP. I know this is hard. Some points to consider and I am being kind, although possibly blunter than you want to hear.

You had the typical golden girl in high school. Life was great. Everything handed to her; oh, sure she worked for her grades, but still. A first world lifestyle.

This is the first real challenge she's most likely ever had.

It sucks. Friends are important.

The odds that transferring will improve this situation, e.g. going to a new school as a sophomore, are a longshot. Friend groups will be long-established there as well. Even if she goes to a school with some of her high school buddies, they have moved on.

This situation is very, very common. She is far from the first star to face this situation when confronting a new environment.

Rather than focusing on solving her immediate problem, what do you want her lifelong lesson to be? She picked this school for a reason. Presumably, the reason is still there. So it's hard. Life's hard, at least in the adult world. This is her first taste of that.

Her grades are good. That is VERY VERY important. She needs to continue to focus on that for the rest of freshman year. That is something she can effect now.

What is she doing this summer? She needs to have some fun, but also something productive in her life.

If this were my DD, I would not support a transfer at this point. She needs to finish the year strong and commit to next year. If she is still feeling this way about the school a year from now, I would consider the transfer. She will be older, presumably more mature and have really give this school her best shot.

But, I would be shocked if a year from now she still feels the same way.

this is bad advice imo. lots of kids transfer and sooner is better. that guy Harlan has a lot of videos on this. start the transfer process, and if things improve where she is .. even better. but transferring before junior year is a terrible idea. it's now or never (if it's never, she should do junior year abroad if unhappy)

[Anonymous]

It's not uncommon for first-years to unhappy, although I think it's more unusual for that unhappiness to stretch into the second semester.

Is it possible her vibe/depression contributed to these rejections? If she's giving off unhappiness vibes, people can pick up on them.

I'd do the transfer applications to have the option. Worry less about the T30 and more about finding a good fit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s no guarantee that a transfer would improve the situation, especially because she’d be trying to break into cohorts established the year before. HOWEVER. She’s miserable. She’s tried *really hard* to get involved.

Look for schools that offer transition support for transfer students, like orientation cohorts. She can ask admissions office about that. And/or schools where joining sororities in soph year is reasonably common.

It’s definitely worth at least looking around and applying so she has options if things don’t suddenly turn around.

+1 Agree. Let her apply and see how she feels once she has other options in a few months. It sounds like she just hasn't been able to break into what amounts to quite exclusionary social circles at her institution. Not all institutions are like that. Maybe things will turn around for her in a few months, but I would definitely want my kid to have some options at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: . . .

Because of this, she tried to join clubs. She was rejected from 4-6 academic ones, or did not even get interviews.


Then this spring she rushed a sorority, but she did not get a house. This was really hard because she was really hoping this would help her build a friend group and on paper she's sorority girl material (mainstream, very social, all that). After this rejection, she interviewed for other organizations—a major-specific club, a co-ed fraternity, and several other clubs—but she was not accepted into any of them, even after long interview processes over the course of January. . .
.

This sounds really unfair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am wondering if anyone can relate to this and maybe give some advice.

My daughter is at a top 30 university (I'm being very vague for privacy). In her high school she was a very happy kid. She had a big coed group of friends, a casual boyfriend, and three very close, lifelong-type girlfriends. She did very well in school with strong grades and interests. She was always a easy, stable child and we did not worry much about her.

She started college in the fall, and since then it has been very difficult. She often feels like she does not belong and cannot find her people at this school. Her roommate is very quiet and keeps to herself. Her dorm hall has mostly single rooms, and students do not really interact. The RA also did not organize activities. Because of this, she tried to join clubs. She was rejected from 4-6 academic ones, or did not even get interviews. She joined a few non-academic "fun" clubs and made some friends there. Awesome! We felt better because instead of saying “I hate it here,” she started saying, “I don’t feel like I belong, but I have some friends.”

Then this spring she rushed a sorority, but she did not get a house. This was really hard because she was really hoping this would help her build a friend group and on paper she's sorority girl material (mainstream, very social, all that). After this rejection, she interviewed for other organizations—a major-specific club, a co-ed fraternity, and several other clubs—but she was not accepted into any of them, even after long interview processes over the course of January. Some of the friends she made in the fall had more success with sororities, and now she feels like those friendships are fading.There is also no dating culture on campus, which is long down on the list of issues but a bummer none-the-less. Perhaps the one bright spot is academics. She's doing well.

We spoke with her last night, and she is truly miserable. If she was unhappy in the fall, she is much more unhappy now. She wants to transfer schools, and applications are due soon. We support her fully, but at the same time, this is a big decision and we worry that things may not be better somewhere else. She used to be a happy, smart, social, friendly young person, and this year has just been really hard for her. She cannot find her community, she has faced a lot of rejection from anything that is not open to everyone, and she is working very hard academically. College is nothing like what she hoped for, and very different from what I experienced. It feels lonely and difficult. We did connect her with a therapist back in November, and she has been meeting regularly, which has helped her process her feelings.

Is this a normal experience for students in 2025? If she transfers, is it likely she will find something better? I would really appreciate hearing others’ thoughts or experiences. Please be kind.

I'm sorry, OP. I know this is hard. Some points to consider and I am being kind, although possibly blunter than you want to hear.

You had the typical golden girl in high school. Life was great. Everything handed to her; oh, sure she worked for her grades, but still. A first world lifestyle.

This is the first real challenge she's most likely ever had.

It sucks. Friends are important.

The odds that transferring will improve this situation, e.g. going to a new school as a sophomore, are a longshot. Friend groups will be long-established there as well. Even if she goes to a school with some of her high school buddies, they have moved on.

This situation is very, very common. She is far from the first star to face this situation when confronting a new environment.

Rather than focusing on solving her immediate problem, what do you want her lifelong lesson to be? She picked this school for a reason. Presumably, the reason is still there. So it's hard. Life's hard, at least in the adult world. This is her first taste of that.

Her grades are good. That is VERY VERY important. She needs to continue to focus on that for the rest of freshman year. That is something she can effect now.

What is she doing this summer? She needs to have some fun, but also something productive in her life.

If this were my DD, I would not support a transfer at this point. She needs to finish the year strong and commit to next year. If she is still feeling this way about the school a year from now, I would consider the transfer. She will be older, presumably more mature and have really give this school her best shot.

But, I would be shocked if a year from now she still feels the same way.

this is bad advice imo. lots of kids transfer and sooner is better. that guy Harlan has a lot of videos on this. start the transfer process, and if things improve where she is .. even better. but transferring before junior year is a terrible idea. it's now or never (if it's never, she should do junior year abroad if unhappy)

NP. Just because "lots of kids" do it (?) does not mean that it's a good idea. And, you have no idea what their outcomes are.

As PP said, wherever you go, there you are.

[Anonymous]

That is so tough. College should be a time of exploration and fun, and the social component is just as important as the classroom experience. I'd support her if she wants to transfer. A fresh start would give her something to look forward to over the summer. I'm curious which school has such exclusive/competitive clubs and co-ed fraternities? I understand you want to keep your DD's experience anonymous but it would also be helpful for parents currently helping their kids make college lists to know what to expect at certain schools. My kid is at a T15, and has not experienced this at all. The clubs (related to his major along with club sport) he's in actively recruit new members and he's in a special interest house and that is actively recruiting members in order to ensure they keep their housing allotment filled. I'm so sorry your daughter has had this experience, it sounds like she's done everything right and it's just not a great fit for her. Not her fault at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: . . .

Because of this, she tried to join clubs. She was rejected from 4-6 academic ones, or did not even get interviews.


Then this spring she rushed a sorority, but she did not get a house. This was really hard because she was really hoping this would help her build a friend group and on paper she's sorority girl material (mainstream, very social, all that). After this rejection, she interviewed for other organizations—a major-specific club, a co-ed fraternity, and several other clubs—but she was not accepted into any of them, even after long interview processes over the course of January. . .
.

This sounds really unfair.

+1.

Sounds like something else is going on.

Is she a BIPOC ?