Freshman is really unhappy, how typical is this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s also worth keeping in mind that kids dump to their moms. That is, she calls you and she’s the most miserable to tell you how miserable she is. It doesn’t mean she’s completely miserable all the time. I think you remind her that she’s doing the right things and reinforce her autonomy to change her situation- by transferring or taking a semester off or going abroad or whatever.

This is such a helpful reminder. I sometimes get exhausted by the moments of negativity from my daughter, even though she really loves where she goes to school, is involved, has friends, and is generally a very happy and positive person. There are times when something doesn't go her way and I am the soft place to land as her Mom. And I always want to be. But it can be really exhausting. My friend (who also has adult kids) and I often share that after a call like this, we will sometimes worry for a couple of days about our kids and continue to think of ways we can support them and then the next time we talk to our kids, they have long forgotten about what it was that upset them. As parents, we sometimes carry that weight that was really just a bad day.

[Anonymous]

I'm the OP and thank you for all your replies. I did write 2025 in error.

I really appreciate the variety of opinions and I need to read through them again when I have a minute at work.

She did just apply for an on-campus job as another avenue for connecting with other students. I'm proud of her for trying. I think she finds out about this next week and I really hope it works out. There were 6 positions and she applied to be one of the 6. Surely, they will take her? It's just been such a string of rejection after rejection and every opportunity (each club, fraternity, sorority, job) has required multiple interviews, often essays, etc. Another club app is due tonight and it's 6 essays for an outside chance of being chosen by the current students. It gets exhausting.

I'll probably write to the Office of student affairs if she does leave. I'll do this very kindly but I'd like to share her story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could you try calling her counselor at the school to discuss this?

No, they're 18 an older. Don't do this.

[Anonymous]

My son is a freshman, and he knows three kids that transferred after first semester. One on his floor, one from high school and another was one of his teammates.

Clubs are not easy these days. Especially ones that are business related.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP and thank you for all your replies. I did write 2025 in error.

I really appreciate the variety of opinions and I need to read through them again when I have a minute at work.

She did just apply for an on-campus job as another avenue for connecting with other students. I'm proud of her for trying. I think she finds out about this next week and I really hope it works out. There were 6 positions and she applied to be one of the 6. Surely, they will take her? It's just been such a string of rejection after rejection and every opportunity (each club, fraternity, sorority, job) has required multiple interviews, often essays, etc. Another club app is due tonight and it's 6 essays for an outside chance of being chosen by the current students. It gets exhausting.

I'll probably write to the Office of student affairs if she does leave. I'll do this very kindly but I'd like to share her story.

Fingers crossed for your DD. Sending good wishes. Has she looked into COB for rush?

Application nation (AN) does transfer app counseling - though you are a bit late. They will help (it was an amazing asset for my kid and DC got into a much better social fit school mentioned in a few posts here). Email them for help if your budget permits?
They will take care of everything.

https://shop.saraharberson.com/products/transfer-package

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s an uncommon experience, and I know some kids who have had a very difficult freshman year. Some of them have gone on to have really great experiences, so I wouldn’t lose hope. I do think she should start the transfer process to give herself options in the future.

[b]My experience with my college child is that the beginning of second semester is the most depressing time of the year. The newness and novelty has worn off, the weather can be bad, the food is repetitive, and it can be very lonely. The coming of spring will help. Have her take vitamin D and get a therapy/sun lamp if she’s in a cold northern climate.[/b]

+1 this is very typical. However, I would support her both investigating transferring (doesn't mean she has to transfer) and investing more in building relationships there. Do consider why she picked that school. Was it just because it was the highest-ranked she got into, or was it based on a broader evaluation?

FWIW, my DD was pretty miserable her 2nd semester. She was friendly with her roommate but had struggled to connect beyond that. We went up to see her and spent the day together, and were able to talk more with her about what was going on. I raised the idea of exploring transferring but she insisted it was still the right school for her (had the academic features she wanted, had a couple good professors, etc.). We encouraged her to keep trying, engage student support services. By the end of the semester, she'd built a good set of friends, which started by talking to someone who sat next to her in class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP and thank you for all your replies. I did write 2025 in error.

I really appreciate the variety of opinions and I need to read through them again when I have a minute at work.

She did just apply for an on-campus job as another avenue for connecting with other students. I'm proud of her for trying. I think she finds out about this next week and I really hope it works out. There were 6 positions and she applied to be one of the 6. Surely, they will take her? It's just been such a string of rejection after rejection and every opportunity (each club, fraternity, sorority, job) has required multiple interviews, often essays, etc. Another club app is due tonight and it's 6 essays for an outside chance of being chosen by the current students. It gets exhausting.

I'll probably write to the Office of student affairs if she does leave. I'll do this very kindly but I'd like to share her story.

This sounds like a really miserable environment for a lot of students.

[Anonymous]

This is more for parents of seniors who are reading this, but dorm selection can make such a huge difference and kids don’t usually have a lot of control over it. Freshman at my daughter’s school are placed all over to campuses. The most coveted dorms have students from more than one grade. They are closer to the fraternities and have bigger rooms. My daughter ended up in an older dorm that is only freshman. Her wing is not coed and I’m not sure if any of the building has coed wings. While she would love a larger room, she has friends all across campus and she is, without a doubt, in the most social dorm. I think there is something to be said for putting freshman with only other freshman. They all come into school looking to meet new people and she has made so many good friendships just from being in her dorm. During welcome week, the girls did leave their doors open and met a lot of people. Plus, they have a cafeteria in their building, so they’re constantly running into people they know. I remember hearing this advice from parents last year when we were all a little disgruntled about the building where our kids replaced. However, I would 100% advise your kid to be in a building with just freshman. It really helps build friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is more for parents of seniors who are reading this, but dorm selection can make such a huge difference and kids don’t usually have a lot of control over it. Freshman at my daughter’s school are placed all over to campuses. The most coveted dorms have students from more than one grade. They are closer to the fraternities and have bigger rooms. My daughter ended up in an older dorm that is only freshman. Her wing is not coed and I’m not sure if any of the building has coed wings. While she would love a larger room, she has friends all across campus and she is, without a doubt, in the most social dorm. I think there is something to be said for putting freshman with only other freshman. They all come into school looking to meet new people and she has made so many good friendships just from being in her dorm. During welcome week, the girls did leave their doors open and met a lot of people. Plus, they have a cafeteria in their building, so they’re constantly running into people they know. I remember hearing this advice from parents last year when we were all a little disgruntled about the building where our kids replaced. However, I would 100% advise your kid to be in a building with just freshman. It really helps build friendships.

How is this helpful when 95% of colleges don't let you pick your dorm?

[Anonymous]

WtF school is this that every club, sorority, organization rejects every student?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:my advice is always the same:

do the transfer apps
keep trying

make a decision later. you'll know what all the options are - where she got in via transfer and if she's any happier where she is.

wishing her a better Spring

This is good advice. Wishing your daughter the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP and thank you for all your replies. I did write 2025 in error.

I really appreciate the variety of opinions and I need to read through them again when I have a minute at work.

She did just apply for an on-campus job as another avenue for connecting with other students. I'm proud of her for trying. I think she finds out about this next week and I really hope it works out. There were 6 positions and she applied to be one of the 6. Surely, they will take her? It's just been such a string of rejection after rejection and every opportunity (each club, fraternity, sorority, job) has required multiple interviews, often essays, etc. Another club app is due tonight and it's 6 essays for an outside chance of being chosen by the current students. It gets exhausting.

I'll probably write to the Office of student affairs if she does leave. I'll do this very kindly but I'd like to share her story.

The is good to hear!

Another thought; has she joined a church at her college? Many students join right away, th laugh I know some forget or get too busy with other things on campus.

But she could maybe meet folks through church. Also, see if her university has a chapter of CRU:


https://www.cru.org/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WtF school is this that every club, sorority, organization rejects every student?

A lot of them. Many had a sorority acceptance rate of 50% this spring and club acceptance rates of between 2-10%.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read the entire thread but one question I'd have is whether OP's DD has any handle on what her living situation would be next year if she stayed. Having some close friends as roommates/housemates can make a huge difference if you're otherwise feeling like a fish out of water at your school.

If she has no idea now what her living situation might be next year or whether she has friends she'd want to room/live with, I'd be more inclined to pursue the transfer option. I found freshman year at a school with a lot of rich kids/legacies/private school kids to be challenging, coming from a MC/UMC public school, but making friends to room with sophomore year made a big difference and gave me time to find my other places on campus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is more for parents of seniors who are reading this, but dorm selection can make such a huge difference and kids don’t usually have a lot of control over it. Freshman at my daughter’s school are placed all over to campuses. The most coveted dorms have students from more than one grade. They are closer to the fraternities and have bigger rooms. My daughter ended up in an older dorm that is only freshman. Her wing is not coed and I’m not sure if any of the building has coed wings. While she would love a larger room, she has friends all across campus and she is, without a doubt, in the most social dorm. I think there is something to be said for putting freshman with only other freshman. They all come into school looking to meet new people and she has made so many good friendships just from being in her dorm. During welcome week, the girls did leave their doors open and met a lot of people. Plus, they have a cafeteria in their building, so they’re constantly running into people they know. I remember hearing this advice from parents last year when we were all a little disgruntled about the building where our kids replaced. However, I would 100% advise your kid to be in a building with just freshman. It really helps build friendships.

How is this helpful when 95% of colleges don't let you pick your dorm?

There are ways to game the system when a seeing questions. Ask other kids at the school.