Freshman is really unhappy, how typical is this?

[Anonymous]

I hated college and stayed at the same school. I did go abroad for a semester, which helped. If she wants to transfer, I would not stop her. She has the grades so she will have her choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who went to colleges a few decades, two key differences that make it harder for kids today. First, the difficulty getting in clubs. Everything is subjective and requires an interview or a try out or both,

The bigger problem in my mind is the dining situation. Choice is bad. Back in the day, freshman tended to have access to one dining hall and there was no to go option, so students were all in the same boat and it wasn’t weird to sit with random people and make friends. Now you can go to one of ten different cafeterias or fast food places and kids aren’t forced to congregate together a few times a day.

Yes! I don't know why so many clubs have so many hoops to jump through just to be considered.

The dining is interesting. I went to a SLAC and we had one dining hall and a cafe. That was it. There are so many places to eat where my kid goes to school and they appreciate that they can go wherever is closes to their class in the middle of the day. What I do think it bad is mxed year housing. I think all freshman should be in freshman only dorms (and maybe those should be the ones with dining halls) for the same reason you mentioned. At my school, freshman weren't with sophomores or older and it definitely helped us get to know each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The competitive clubs just seem so annoying and needlessly hard, but I also think kids in 2026 are not as good at making friends as we were. It seems like a slower process overall.

+ 1

+2

OP, your daughter sounds lovely and hardworking and thoughtful and resilient. I'm sorry she's been met with so much rejection. I'd like her to find herself somewhere that is more welcoming. Because -- why not seek out a more welcoming community?

I hope folks will name names of more welcoming schools.

[Anonymous]

My kid just tried to rush the pre-med fraternity at UVA. They take 30 new members. It's an undergrad population of 17K kids. So about 450 kids showed up last week and the acceptance rate this spring is going to be 5%. The 30 are chosen after writing 5 essays, going to 5 open rush events and then being whittled down through a series of closed rush events and interviews--basically a total of about 10 in-person things.

It's ridiculous why a campus of 17K kids has 30 spots for something like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry, OP. This sounds awful for your daughter and is so hard as a parent to feel kid's stress and unhappiness.

The kids we knew who were unhappy as freshman all figured it out by their second semester. And it sounds like your daughter has done absolutely everything right, but the school culture is not meshing. It sounds like a highly rejective culture.

There are SO MANY colleges where you don't have to apply to join clubs and Greek scene is non-existent. Those schools will have an easy entree into social life, even as a sophomore.

Your daughter should start researching which schools have the type of social life she wants. I have kids at different SLACs and neither school has Greek life and all clubs are open to everyone. There may be some larger universities like this as well. They've both joined whatever activities they've wanted. One of the schools even had a winter activities fair so kids who maybe didn't hit the clubs they liked first semester could try something different.

My freshman has made one really good friend who is a sophomore transfer. This person has had zero problem meeting kids and fitting in. I would not let the fear of not making friends keep her from leaving a place where she has no friends.

Good luck! Even just having transfer options can be helpful. If she decides in the spring she doesn't want to leave, she doesn't have to.

OP here. What school is your child at? It sounds perfect for my child. Thank you so much.

Bowdoin

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't wade through all 9 pages, but is it common for colleges to have so many clubs that gatekeep like this? It certainly wasn't when I was in school. My oldest is a junior and this would have made her absolutely miserable... thankfully the only thing she ever had to apply for was a language house. All her other clubs are happy to include everyone and very welcoming. I think at least one had a "big/little" match-up like the sororities do to help the new freshmen feel more connected.


Yes it’s very common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The competitive clubs just seem so annoying and needlessly hard, but I also think kids in 2026 are not as good at making friends as we were. It seems like a slower process overall.

+ 1

+2

OP, your daughter sounds lovely and hardworking and thoughtful and resilient. I'm sorry she's been met with so much rejection. I'd like her to find herself somewhere that is more welcoming. Because -- why not seek out a more welcoming community?

I hope folks will name names of more welcoming schools.

Northwestern! Transfer app deadline is April 1 and they have ED transfer!

[Anonymous]

Northwestern takes a lot of transfers, but if Greek is important to your dd, I heard rush was very disappointing for many girls this year. Too many girls interested and very few houses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Northwestern takes a lot of transfers, but if Greek is important to your dd, I heard rush was very disappointing for many girls this year. Too many girls interested and very few houses.

Out of the frying pan, into the fire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry, OP. This sounds awful for your daughter and is so hard as a parent to feel kid's stress and unhappiness.

The kids we knew who were unhappy as freshman all figured it out by their second semester. And it sounds like your daughter has done absolutely everything right, but the school culture is not meshing. It sounds like a highly rejective culture.

There are SO MANY colleges where you don't have to apply to join clubs and Greek scene is non-existent. Those schools will have an easy entree into social life, even as a sophomore.

Your daughter should start researching which schools have the type of social life she wants. I have kids at different SLACs and neither school has Greek life and all clubs are open to everyone. There may be some larger universities like this as well. They've both joined whatever activities they've wanted. One of the schools even had a winter activities fair so kids who maybe didn't hit the clubs they liked first semester could try something different.

My freshman has made one really good friend who is a sophomore transfer. This person has had zero problem meeting kids and fitting in. I would not let the fear of not making friends keep her from leaving a place where she has no friends.

Good luck! Even just having transfer options can be helpful. If she decides in the spring she doesn't want to leave, she doesn't have to.

OP here. What school is your child at? It sounds perfect for my child. Thank you so much.

Bowdoin

My kid is having a similar experience at Colby.

[Anonymous]

Allow her to apply for transfers. She deserves for college to be a good experience. Ridiculous that her school makes it so difficult to join clubs. When rejection like that piles up it is difficult to work through alone (especially when you see your fledging new friends getting into clubs and sororities, which yes, will inevitably means friendships will fade as schedules and social circles change. I was in a sorority and it was the best experience but I genuinely hate how the process shuts young women out right at an age that they need belonging and connection. I feel the school has a role in mitigating that in order to keep their student body happy and mentally ok. I remember when I got my bid, I wasn't psyched because there were a couple other houses I thought I liked more. But looking back, I'm so grateful that I didn't have to experience rejection plus I made lifelong friends. Your daughter sound genuinely miserable. While there is no guarantee they the next school will be the cure, let her at least explore the possibility. And who cares about "Top 30" when your child is so unhappy? Forget the labels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid just tried to rush the pre-med fraternity at UVA. They take 30 new members. It's an undergrad population of 17K kids. So about 450 kids showed up last week and the acceptance rate this spring is going to be 5%. The 30 are chosen after writing 5 essays, going to 5 open rush events and then being whittled down through a series of closed rush events and interviews--basically a total of about 10 in-person things.

It's ridiculous why a campus of 17K kids has 30 spots for something like this.

I wholeheartedly agree. Rush and clubs are insanely competitive at UVA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid just tried to rush the pre-med fraternity at UVA. They take 30 new members. It's an undergrad population of 17K kids. So about 450 kids showed up last week and the acceptance rate this spring is going to be 5%. The 30 are chosen after writing 5 essays, going to 5 open rush events and then being whittled down through a series of closed rush events and interviews--basically a total of about 10 in-person things.

It's ridiculous why a campus of 17K kids has 30 spots for something like this.

It's the same everywhere. My DC is president of one of these pre professional groups at another school. They have rush twice a year and take about 20 each semester. Even with that, they have 250 - 300 kids rush each semester. Some rush multiple times and never get in.

I talked to him about it and was surprised at how much it is a personality fit, versus grades or something more substantial. Someone has to be pushing for you and even then, they discuss each potential member individually and one person can derail you. For example, he said that a female member immediately axed a male rushee who had dumped her after a hook up. That information was made public to the group by that female member. I told my DC that this is way TMI for these kids to be discussing about people they don't even know. DC said that all of the groups are this way, and that it's by design a "community" of people who have to like each other. Sounds more social to me than pre professional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry, OP. This sounds awful for your daughter and is so hard as a parent to feel kid's stress and unhappiness.

The kids we knew who were unhappy as freshman all figured it out by their second semester. And it sounds like your daughter has done absolutely everything right, but the school culture is not meshing. It sounds like a highly rejective culture.

There are SO MANY colleges where you don't have to apply to join clubs and Greek scene is non-existent. Those schools will have an easy entree into social life, even as a sophomore.

Your daughter should start researching which schools have the type of social life she wants. I have kids at different SLACs and neither school has Greek life and all clubs are open to everyone. There may be some larger universities like this as well. They've both joined whatever activities they've wanted. One of the schools even had a winter activities fair so kids who maybe didn't hit the clubs they liked first semester could try something different.

My freshman has made one really good friend who is a sophomore transfer. This person has had zero problem meeting kids and fitting in. I would not let the fear of not making friends keep her from leaving a place where she has no friends.

Good luck! Even just having transfer options can be helpful. If she decides in the spring she doesn't want to leave, she doesn't have to.

OP here. What school is your child at? It sounds perfect for my child. Thank you so much.

Bowdoin

Our family has sent one to a large state flagship and another to a SLAC. Both had (and are currently having) great experiences, but they are vastly different. OP, your initial post said your child was at a Top 30. What was it about this type of school that was appealing when she was making her choice? Would she find a SLAC way too small?

[Anonymous]

Glad to know this is something to ask about before choosing a school. My kids would not be happy in this sort of environment.