Freshman is really unhappy, how typical is this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s also worth keeping in mind that kids dump to their moms. That is, she calls you and she’s the most miserable to tell you how miserable she is. It doesn’t mean she’s completely miserable all the time. I think you remind her that she’s doing the right things and reinforce her autonomy to change her situation- by transferring or taking a semester off or going abroad or whatever.

Dump to their parents. You don't know OP is the mom. What a peculiar assumption.

[Anonymous]

This makes no sense she’s a freshman but did spring rush when it’s February?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This makes no sense she’s a freshman but did spring rush when it’s February?

Duke, Cornell, Vanderbilt, Northwestern, Brown, Columbia, Princeton, UVA, Emory, USC, Tulane, Wake, Michigan, etc etc, etc all do spring rush.

[Anonymous]

I think it's fine that OP isn't identifying the school. It's easier when you aren't worried about your child's privacy and, frankly, the experience of one student doesn't necessarily represent the experience of all students.

To the OP, I'm sorry your daughter is having a tough time. Mine is at a T30 that sounds like it has a lot of the same obstacles. Winter rush is brutal. I'm not being dramatic when I say that. My daughter did end up in a house, but not where she originally expected/hoped. TBH, I think there is some good in that b/c they party WAY more than my kid. If you daughter dropped herself, she can consider COB in the fall. Did she opt out b/c it wasn't going the way she hoped or did she not get a bid at the end of rush?

The professional frats are annoying, IMO. My daughter also tried to join one in the fall, but they really don't take a lot of freshman and I suggested revisiting sophomore year when she knows more people. My kid rarely faced rejection before college, so some of that stung more than she expected. But, there is resiliency to be learned from it. If your kid is at a T30, they did very well in HS and probably didn't face a lot of rejection or experience a lot of failure un until now. We don't want our kids to be miserable, but we do want them prepared for the real world.

If it were my kid, I'd encourage to keep going to the non-competitive clubs and try to coordinate study groups with kids in their classes. Mine is in a group of kids for her major and they meet weekly.

I'd also be OK with filling out the transfer applications. If she gets in somewhere, that doesn't mean she has to leave. By the time the decision needs to be made, she may have found her footing.

I don't know if she's in the N or the S, but this winter has been challenging. My kid sailed through first semester with great grades, made so many friends and had a great time. She's still happy at her school, but this semester is requiring more thought about how she spends her time and approaches college life. Sometimes it's going to be harder. I guess the question is if the good outweighs the bad or if it's the other way around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you posted school we could make recs? Or where else was she considering? This sounds like Cornell.

I’d apply to transfer but most apps due March 1 or April 1. Hire a transfer counselor asap….

Look at transferring where sororities pick up sophomores…will require research on your part.

Northwestern has a huge transfer cohort. Vanderbilt too. Lots of programming for transfers which she may want.
Also look at Notre Dame, UCLA, Brown.
Lots of good intel on r/transfertoTop25

[Anonymous]

So sorry to hear this. I agree with people who say she should at least get a bunch of apps out there and have options. I disagree with people who say this is normal and will pass. It's normal to have ups and downs, but not a downward trajectory. Fit is really important, so I'd say this school is not a great fit and it would make sense to really research schools with more inclusive and collaborate environments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s no guarantee that a transfer would improve the situation, especially because she’d be trying to break into cohorts established the year before. HOWEVER. She’s miserable. She’s tried *really hard* to get involved.

Look for schools that offer transition support for transfer students, like orientation cohorts. She can ask admissions office about that. And/or schools where joining sororities in soph year is reasonably common.

It’s definitely worth at least looking around and applying so she has options if things don’t suddenly turn around.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:my advice is always the same:

do the transfer apps
keep trying

make a decision later. you'll know what all the options are - where she got in via transfer and if she's any happier where she is.

wishing her a better Spring

Solid advice. Do the apps. See what options there are. Then discuss transferring. I would take a hands off approach. Kid needs to lead this entire process. Just be there to listen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This makes no sense she’s a freshman but did spring rush when it’s February?

Many schools do not allow freshman to rush in fall anymore. “Spring rush” just means spring semester, which starts in January. A lot of second-semester rush periods are in January.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she should definitely transfer since she is so miserable. While there are no guarantees that the next school will be a great fit for her, the current one definitely isn't. Unfortunately she will not avoid the competitive nature of joining clubs since it seems like that is at most colleges these days...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: . . .

Because of this, she tried to join clubs. She was rejected from 4-6 academic ones, or did not even get interviews.


Then this spring she rushed a sorority, but she did not get a house. This was really hard because she was really hoping this would help her build a friend group and on paper she's sorority girl material (mainstream, very social, all that). After this rejection, she interviewed for other organizations—a major-specific club, a co-ed fraternity, and several other clubs—but she was not accepted into any of them, even after long interview processes over the course of January. . .
.

This sounds really unfair.

+1.

Sounds like something else is going on.

Is she a BIPOC ?

Jesus Christ.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am wondering if anyone can relate to this and maybe give some advice.

My daughter is at a top 30 university (I'm being very vague for privacy). In her high school she was a very happy kid. She had a big coed group of friends, a casual boyfriend, and three very close, lifelong-type girlfriends. She did very well in school with strong grades and interests. She was always a easy, stable child and we did not worry much about her.

She started college in the fall, and since then it has been very difficult. She often feels like she does not belong and cannot find her people at this school. Her roommate is very quiet and keeps to herself. Her dorm hall has mostly single rooms, and students do not really interact. The RA also did not organize activities. Because of this, she tried to join clubs. She was rejected from 4-6 academic ones, or did not even get interviews. She joined a few non-academic "fun" clubs and made some friends there. Awesome! We felt better because instead of saying “I hate it here,” she started saying, “I don’t feel like I belong, but I have some friends.”

Then this spring she rushed a sorority, but she did not get a house. This was really hard because she was really hoping this would help her build a friend group and on paper she's sorority girl material (mainstream, very social, all that). After this rejection, she interviewed for other organizations—a major-specific club, a co-ed fraternity, and several other clubs—but she was not accepted into any of them, even after long interview processes over the course of January. Some of the friends she made in the fall had more success with sororities, and now she feels like those friendships are fading.There is also no dating culture on campus, which is long down on the list of issues but a bummer none-the-less. Perhaps the one bright spot is academics. She's doing well.

We spoke with her last night, and she is truly miserable. If she was unhappy in the fall, she is much more unhappy now. She wants to transfer schools, and applications are due soon. We support her fully, but at the same time, this is a big decision and we worry that things may not be better somewhere else. She used to be a happy, smart, social, friendly young person, and this year has just been really hard for her. She cannot find her community, she has faced a lot of rejection from anything that is not open to everyone, and she is working very hard academically. College is nothing like what she hoped for, and very different from what I experienced. It feels lonely and difficult. We did connect her with a therapist back in November, and she has been meeting regularly, which has helped her process her feelings.

Is this a normal experience for students in 2025? If she transfers, is it likely she will find something better? I would really appreciate hearing others’ thoughts or experiences. Please be kind.

I'm so confused on timing, YOu ask if this is normal for 2025 but it's 2026 now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s also worth keeping in mind that kids dump to their moms. That is, she calls you and she’s the most miserable to tell you how miserable she is. It doesn’t mean she’s completely miserable all the time. I think you remind her that she’s doing the right things and reinforce her autonomy to change her situation- by transferring or taking a semester off or going abroad or whatever.

Dump to their parents. You don't know OP is the mom. What a peculiar assumption.

Of course it’s the mom posting. Please.

[Anonymous]

I am truly sorry for OP kid. I understand and see this playing out at many achools. As parents, it is difficult for us to understand the difficulties of college life today. Early relationships are formed via social media, and Competition starts from day one. If you are not prepared, you're a bit flat footed. My kid is at an Ivy. She got good advice before she started that she needs to set up coffee chats and mtgs with upper classmen- to get yourself known for clubs, sorority, etc. Friendships and club membership is less organic today - all takes pre-planning and need to apply broadly and expect rejection. My kid is outgoing and knows a ton of people but also seeking good friends. It takes effort and that is the norm. The kids struggling are often social kids. Its a bit of a shock for some, and the struggles are social vs academic. My kid applied to 6-7 business clubs and got 1. Auditioned for 2 performing arts groups and got 1 (and my kid has talent). Sorority rush after winter break was a stressful mess and thankfully got a bid - at her 3rd choice. But my kid is generally happy and becoming more socially secure but it takes A LOT of work. Sorority life is very popular now and demand exceeds supply. She's has friends at schools like northwestern and vandy that did not get bids. And these girls feel more isolated at this moment bc friends in sororities will now have separate events. But your kid can still be proactive to make lunch/dinner/ coffee plans. Considering transfer is fine. Apply and see if u get options. Sometimes a fresh start helps. But if u do that, do the research beforehand of what you want to join, and set yourself up for success (network early). Also, some sororities have open spots after rush - your kid can check that out. It may not be the most popular group, but will likely be a place they can make a few good friends. I have a lot of empathy for our kids. I also went to an ivy and it was so different in my day. Wishing OP kid a better semester!

[Anonymous]

Just keep in mind, OP, that transferring takes time and work that could perhaps best be applied to life on current campus. She would be living with one foot out the door.