Freshman is really unhappy, how typical is this?

[Anonymous]

Maybe a smaller setting would be better for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is so tough. College should be a time of exploration and fun, and the social component is just as important as the classroom experience. I'd support her if she wants to transfer. A fresh start would give her something to look forward to over the summer. I'm curious which school has such exclusive/competitive clubs and co-ed fraternities? I understand you want to keep your DD's experience anonymous but it would also be helpful for parents currently helping their kids make college lists to know what to expect at certain schools. My kid is at a T15, and has not experienced this at all. The clubs (related to his major along with club sport) he's in actively recruit new members and he's in a special interest house and that is actively recruiting members in order to ensure they keep their housing allotment filled. I'm so sorry your daughter has had this experience, it sounds like she's done everything right and it's just not a great fit for her. Not her fault at all.

Some Ivies and Vandy have this rep.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think it’s an uncommon experience, and I know some kids who have had a very difficult freshman year. Some of them have gone on to have really great experiences, so I wouldn’t lose hope. I do think she should start the transfer process to give herself options in the future.

My experience with my college child is that the beginning of second semester is the most depressing time of the year. The newness and novelty has worn off, the weather can be bad, the food is repetitive, and it can be very lonely. The coming of spring will help. Have her take vitamin D and get a therapy/sun lamp if she’s in a cold northern climate.

[Anonymous]

The competitive clubs just seem so annoying and needlessly hard, but I also think kids in 2026 are not as good at making friends as we were. It seems like a slower process overall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am wondering if anyone can relate to this and maybe give some advice.

My daughter is at a top 30 university (I'm being very vague for privacy). In her high school she was a very happy kid. She had a big coed group of friends, a casual boyfriend, and three very close, lifelong-type girlfriends. She did very well in school with strong grades and interests. She was always a easy, stable child and we did not worry much about her.

She started college in the fall, and since then it has been very difficult. She often feels like she does not belong and cannot find her people at this school. Her roommate is very quiet and keeps to herself. Her dorm hall has mostly single rooms, and students do not really interact. The RA also did not organize activities. Because of this, she tried to join clubs. She was rejected from 4-6 academic ones, or did not even get interviews. She joined a few non-academic "fun" clubs and made some friends there. Awesome! We felt better because instead of saying “I hate it here,” she started saying, “I don’t feel like I belong, but I have some friends.”

Then this spring she rushed a sorority, but she did not get a house. This was really hard because she was really hoping this would help her build a friend group and on paper she's sorority girl material (mainstream, very social, all that). After this rejection, she interviewed for other organizations—a major-specific club, a co-ed fraternity, and several other clubs—but she was not accepted into any of them, even after long interview processes over the course of January. Some of the friends she made in the fall had more success with sororities, and now she feels like those friendships are fading.There is also no dating culture on campus, which is long down on the list of issues but a bummer none-the-less. Perhaps the one bright spot is academics. She's doing well.

We spoke with her last night, and she is truly miserable. If she was unhappy in the fall, she is much more unhappy now. She wants to transfer schools, and applications are due soon. We support her fully, but at the same time, this is a big decision and we worry that things may not be better somewhere else. She used to be a happy, smart, social, friendly young person, and this year has just been really hard for her. She cannot find her community, she has faced a lot of rejection from anything that is not open to everyone, and she is working very hard academically. College is nothing like what she hoped for, and very different from what I experienced. It feels lonely and difficult. We did connect her with a therapist back in November, and she has been meeting regularly, which has helped her process her feelings.

Is this a normal experience for students in 2025? If she transfers, is it likely she will find something better? I would really appreciate hearing others’ thoughts or experiences. Please be kind.

gap year?
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1312677.page#31604679

[Anonymous]

Could you try calling her counselor at the school to discuss this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am wondering if anyone can relate to this and maybe give some advice.

My daughter is at a top 30 university (I'm being very vague for privacy). In her high school she was a very happy kid. She had a big coed group of friends, a casual boyfriend, and three very close, lifelong-type girlfriends. She did very well in school with strong grades and interests. She was always a easy, stable child and we did not worry much about her.

She started college in the fall, and since then it has been very difficult. She often feels like she does not belong and cannot find her people at this school. Her roommate is very quiet and keeps to herself. Her dorm hall has mostly single rooms, and students do not really interact. The RA also did not organize activities. Because of this, she tried to join clubs. She was rejected from 4-6 academic ones, or did not even get interviews. She joined a few non-academic "fun" clubs and made some friends there. Awesome! We felt better because instead of saying “I hate it here,” she started saying, “I don’t feel like I belong, but I have some friends.”

Then this spring she rushed a sorority, but she did not get a house. This was really hard because she was really hoping this would help her build a friend group and on paper she's sorority girl material (mainstream, very social, all that). After this rejection, she interviewed for other organizations—a major-specific club, a co-ed fraternity, and several other clubs—but she was not accepted into any of them, even after long interview processes over the course of January. Some of the friends she made in the fall had more success with sororities, and now she feels like those friendships are fading.There is also no dating culture on campus, which is long down on the list of issues but a bummer none-the-less. Perhaps the one bright spot is academics. She's doing well.

We spoke with her last night, and she is truly miserable. If she was unhappy in the fall, she is much more unhappy now. She wants to transfer schools, and applications are due soon. We support her fully, but at the same time, this is a big decision and we worry that things may not be better somewhere else. She used to be a happy, smart, social, friendly young person, and this year has just been really hard for her. She cannot find her community, she has faced a lot of rejection from anything that is not open to everyone, and she is working very hard academically. College is nothing like what she hoped for, and very different from what I experienced. It feels lonely and difficult. We did connect her with a therapist back in November, and she has been meeting regularly, which has helped her process her feelings.

Is this a normal experience for students in 2025? If she transfers, is it likely she will find something better? I would really appreciate hearing others’ thoughts or experiences. Please be kind.

gap year?
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1312677.page#31604679

She’s already in college, and doing really well academically. Withdrawing from school altogether for a year could easily derail her academic progress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could you try calling her counselor at the school to discuss this?

Unless she’s dangerously depressed and outside intervention is needed, no. These are young adults. They are responsible for their own social lives. The parents should not be calling admin staff over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could you try calling her counselor at the school to discuss this?

No, don't do this. Jesus.

[Anonymous]

My child is in HS, but I live in a small city with a university with an urban campus. I use some facilities at the school and encounter students frequently.

In December I saw a very young woman outside crying and stopped to make sure she was okay. She was stressed and felt lonely. She told me how hard it was to make friends. Everyone hangs with their high school friends or is texting/Facetiming with out of state friends. She told me she was lonely. It is really hard to make friends.

I hate to say this, but this seems pretty normal college experience in the modern world.

Think of all the interactions you had in college that are gone.

Waiting in line (everyone's on the phone)

Eating out/ picking up takeout (now it's all DoorDash)

Going to the mailroom (it's all email)

Picking up a new CD (it's a download)

Going to the library (alot is online)

Exercising (everyone looking at their phone or using an app)

Even many of classes are not in person!

This is not an exhaustive list, but you get the idea. People are less social. Covid and lack of socialization made many more isolated, and it stuck.

I know it "sucks" but your daughter may need to keep plugging away. Try any and everything. My child is very social and I get it. It takes time. I am rooting for her!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:my advice is always the same:

do the transfer apps
keep trying

make a decision later. you'll know what all the options are - where she got in via transfer and if she's any happier where she is.

wishing her a better Spring

Agree.

For a social outgoing kid sounds like a bad fit.
Get cracking on apps!!

[Anonymous]

First year sucks at a lot of colleges when kids have to move away from home and their entire social support network is uprooted.

That said, sometimes our kids choose a school that is very prestigious or "good on paper" but is the wrong fit socially. Rankings don't tell you that your kid will be happy or fit. In some cases, transfer is the best thing to do. Does she have any close friends or contacts at other schools that she got into or was interested in last year that can give her the inside scoop of what to expect their socially? Can she visit them for a couple of days? I would suggest she start a transfer application asap, her high grades will be paramount to keep up.

She can always apply to transfer and stay where she is but at least that gives her hope and an option.

[Anonymous]

If you posted school we could make recs? Or where else was she considering? This sounds like Cornell.

I’d apply to transfer but most apps due March 1 or April 1. Hire a transfer counselor asap….

Look at transferring where sororities pick up sophomores…will require research on your part.

[Anonymous]

It’s also worth keeping in mind that kids dump to their moms. That is, she calls you and she’s the most miserable to tell you how miserable she is. It doesn’t mean she’s completely miserable all the time. I think you remind her that she’s doing the right things and reinforce her autonomy to change her situation- by transferring or taking a semester off or going abroad or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Writing only to say I'm sorry, OP, for what you and your child are going through. It sounds rough, unfair and really unfortunate.

I agree that the combo of Covid era isolation + technology has dampened the natural social tendencies of young adults and its been replaced by a hyper-competitive, sometimes toxic environment.

My kid is starting college next year, and I was amazed during campus visits by how many kids were eating alone while scrolling on their phones, or walking around with headphones on in their own worlds.