DD terrified to go to school due to classmates behavior. How to proceed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I’d move her to catholic school. The public schools prioritize the one over the many.

We are not Catholic. We also don’t have the budget for a private school. We don’t want to move her as we overall have had good experiences where we are.

You don't have to be Catholic to go a to a Catholic school. Also, they are much cheaper than regular private schools. It was the right choice for us. School was severely impacting my child's mental health. It solved our problem.

I'm glad the move worked for you.

Moving to Catholic didn't help us. Plenty of misbehavior there too and the kids of teachers & donors got to stay.

Bullying was prevalent from the admin and some teachers.

I took my kids out and am back to dealing with public. They are happier overall (even with a problematic child or two in each of their classes), but I continue to be frustrated that they can't have the positive educational experiences we adults had growing up.

[Anonymous]

Call and request a meeting with the teacher and tell her the problem. They need to solve it, not you

[Anonymous]

As a teacher of 17 years, it seems like every year for the last 7 years, this is my situation. The last two years were really tough as I have had between 4-7 children with ASD/ ADHD/ ED codes with gentle parents who are very passive about children who hit, kick, bite, have intentional BM’s, scream, destroy property and throw chairs and tables before eloping. The best thing I could do is document, protect the other children by moving to a designated location and calling for help, maintaining a very calm, routine and consistent schedule. It was still very difficult but we did get through those years. Parents were mostly understanding but I do personally feel upset because our hands are tied due to laws that protect the children with these disabilities that do work against the structure of a classroom. I also taught beforehand in a state that does not have home school model for SpEd. This is an extremely frustrating time in public education. If I were you, I would arm my child and practice using dolls on how to stay safe, advocate for herself and use every parental right I can to protect my child. I read you are not open to a private school so this is my recommendation.

[Anonymous]

You said "It seems like she’d never been targeted but his behavior in itself is very triggering for her. She is highly sensative and not use to loud, overstimulating environments."

You need to focus on your own child's development. The teacher is accommodating your child's sensitivity in the ways available to her.

For your part, you can work on teaching your kid how to manage her anxiety and understand and handle the situation with empathy. It is important now that you know she tends to anxiety to actively teach her skills for managing that -- this isn't the only place where this anxiety will hit her.

Teach her boudaries in case she ever is a target, but this kid's behavior seems untargetted - he's crying and having a rough time adjusting to a social environment. He's loud. He has tantrums. It's not about her, so help her distinguish between social behavior hatt she doesn't like and targetted behavior that crosses personal boundaries. important life lesson.

But mostly, her issue is that she can't process what she's seeing. Work on that. If this is her first experience with a child with a disability, it is a very important time to help her develop empathy. A very important life skill.

[Anonymous]

Dd had a kid like this in her class when she was in first grade. My child does not have anxiety. She is well behaved and this boy was at her table and was very disruptive. I was able to get her moved to another table. That was the best they could do.

He had autism.

The next year, he was in another class and was disruptive but there were kids he targeted. I don’t think he was ever violent but I think many families complained.

While a public school can’t kick a student out, the kid switched to a private school that had an autism class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please document this early and often, OP. File a bullying form, and include doctor's notes reporting on her level of anxiety.

The school needs to gather a lot of evidence before pushing for a non-mainstream environment or suggesting other placements for these children. It partially relies on complaints from others parents to bolster its arguments.

My daughter was in such a situation in 4th grade in MCPS. Her classmate was ASD/ADHD and had terrible fits of rage. He would turn over tables, hit other children, etc. My daughter was seated next to him most days because she was reportedly a "calming influence". He never hit her, and indeed seemed to be soothed by her presence. But that didn't make it particularly comfortable for my daughter, seeing him hit other boys and throw stuff!

Eventually, after other families complained and the school had gathered enough documentation, he left before the end of the year. His parents were really nice, and had been actively trying to get him medication and psychiatric treatment since before the beginning of that school year. But it takes a long while to get seen by psychologists for in-depth evaluations, and a long while to see improvements while on medication (and there's often a period where different meds are tried before landing on the one combo that works)... so he was not appropriately regulated that year.

It's tough for everyone.

Wut. Why. There's no bullying. And they're seven. Don't be such a dipshit.

PP you replied. Don't insult me, I've got a lot more experience with this than you. My kids are now 20 and 15 and have seen it all in their public (and private schools - not the magic bullet some people seem to think it is!). The bullying complaint is appropriate, because OP's daughter feels threatened at school, but more importantly, the bullying forms are taken seriously by most schools. It's part of OP's arsenal to move the needle. This is not an attack on the child who is in psychiatric distress and lashing out. This child must be moved to a more appropriate placement and cannot stay where they are. So this is for the good of everyone.

The bullying part of the complaint is absolutely not valid.

A general complaint about disruptive behavior is very valid but lying about bullying as part of an "arsenal" is messed up and morally wrong.

Agree. Her daughter is not the target of a bully. Don't water down that very important tool for handling actual bullying.

OP, your daughter has anxiety. Work on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For anxiety, reporting the anxiety or pursuing a 504 for anxiety is going to lead to the school offering counseling support, which will turn into endless data collection on your family. That information can all be weaponized against you later.

If you opt out of the counseling program, they will replace the counselor with an administrator for her enrollment. That is what you want.

Are the boy's meltdowns happening in the afternoon? You might be able to convince your daughter to go to school on time in the morning and pull her out each day before the meltdowns start. If you are in FCPS, they only track morning admissions to count as attendance for the whole day. Doing this would depend on your childcare situation.

If the transfer to another classroom is not being approved, you could try removing for Homeschool and then reenrolling the next week. In Virginia, you need to submit paperwork at the end of the year that someone with a master's degree or higher saw improvement, so that means hire a tutor during the gap. Kids lose their place in their classroom when they are disenrolled, so there is a chance she is re-enrolled in a different class.

This is so clever.

[Anonymous]

Kids with documented learning, developmental, and behavioral needs are protected by the Individuals with Disabilities in Education Act (IDEA). They are guaranteed a right to a free and appropriate education (FAPE) and are protected, as are all students, by the Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act (FERPA). In principle, this is a very important part of disability rights. The provision of services in special education is terrible, however, and the interpretation of least restrictive environment and what is a manifestation of a disability have also become very sticky issues. OP, you find yourself in the middle of one of the most challenging parts of American education right now: Disabled children need to be protected, but so too do the typical children in classrooms. One person’s rights can’t come at the expense of another’s.

If your child has anxiety, document it medically. Then ask for a 504 plan. It will take some time to get the plan in place. In the mean time, send in doctor’s notes. Ask for a change in seating. Ask if your child can use noise canceling headphones or any other tool that you think might help her cope with the other child’s meltdowns. Every time your child comes home upset, has difficulty sleeping, or shows another manifestation of stress, document it. If the principal is not responsive to your needs and your requests for accommodation, document that to the superintendent and school board. Start by checking in weekly; be a relentless advocate.

To a certain extent, teaching coping skills to your own child can help. However, we are meant to be alarmed by behavior that is out of the norm. When we see people being erratic, yelling, or destroying property, it’s supposed to get our attention and force us to evaluate whether we are safe or need to take action. It’s not particularly typical to be able to live with that level of disruption without it affecting one’s nervous system. Adults who teach in such classrooms effectively spend an enormous amount of energy regulating their own emotions and helping to calm the children in their care. We shouldn’t ask untrained children to do the same. It’s just not healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please document this early and often, OP. File a bullying form, and include doctor's notes reporting on her level of anxiety.

The school needs to gather a lot of evidence before pushing for a non-mainstream environment or suggesting other placements for these children. It partially relies on complaints from others parents to bolster its arguments.

My daughter was in such a situation in 4th grade in MCPS. Her classmate was ASD/ADHD and had terrible fits of rage. He would turn over tables, hit other children, etc. My daughter was seated next to him most days because she was reportedly a "calming influence". He never hit her, and indeed seemed to be soothed by her presence. But that didn't make it particularly comfortable for my daughter, seeing him hit other boys and throw stuff!

Eventually, after other families complained and the school had gathered enough documentation, he left before the end of the year. His parents were really nice, and had been actively trying to get him medication and psychiatric treatment since before the beginning of that school year. But it takes a long while to get seen by psychologists for in-depth evaluations, and a long while to see improvements while on medication (and there's often a period where different meds are tried before landing on the one combo that works)... so he was not appropriately regulated that year.

It's tough for everyone.

Wut. Why. There's no bullying. And they're seven. Don't be such a dipshit.

PP you replied. Don't insult me, I've got a lot more experience with this than you. My kids are now 20 and 15 and have seen it all in their public (and private schools - not the magic bullet some people seem to think it is!). The bullying complaint is appropriate, because OP's daughter feels threatened at school, but more importantly, the bullying forms are taken seriously by most schools. It's part of OP's arsenal to move the needle. This is not an attack on the child who is in psychiatric distress and lashing out. This child must be moved to a more appropriate placement and cannot stay where they are. So this is for the good of everyone.

The bullying part of the complaint is absolutely not valid.

A general complaint about disruptive behavior is very valid but lying about bullying as part of an "arsenal" is messed up and morally wrong.

Agree. Her daughter is not the target of a bully. Don't water down that very important tool for handling actual bullying.

OP, your daughter has anxiety. Work on that.

You fools who think parents will just put up with their kids being in a toxic environment all year long are going to be the downfall of the public school system. Would you tell your kid to stay in an abusive relationship while their partner is in therapy? Of course not. You are not the heroes you strive to be. You are facilitating the demise of an institution that stands at the foundation of democracy. Stand down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please document this early and often, OP. File a bullying form, and include doctor's notes reporting on her level of anxiety.

The school needs to gather a lot of evidence before pushing for a non-mainstream environment or suggesting other placements for these children. It partially relies on complaints from others parents to bolster its arguments.

My daughter was in such a situation in 4th grade in MCPS. Her classmate was ASD/ADHD and had terrible fits of rage. He would turn over tables, hit other children, etc. My daughter was seated next to him most days because she was reportedly a "calming influence". He never hit her, and indeed seemed to be soothed by her presence. But that didn't make it particularly comfortable for my daughter, seeing him hit other boys and throw stuff!

Eventually, after other families complained and the school had gathered enough documentation, he left before the end of the year. His parents were really nice, and had been actively trying to get him medication and psychiatric treatment since before the beginning of that school year. But it takes a long while to get seen by psychologists for in-depth evaluations, and a long while to see improvements while on medication (and there's often a period where different meds are tried before landing on the one combo that works)... so he was not appropriately regulated that year.

It's tough for everyone.

Wut. Why. There's no bullying. And they're seven. Don't be such a dipshit.

PP you replied. Don't insult me, I've got a lot more experience with this than you. My kids are now 20 and 15 and have seen it all in their public (and private schools - not the magic bullet some people seem to think it is!). The bullying complaint is appropriate, because OP's daughter feels threatened at school, but more importantly, the bullying forms are taken seriously by most schools. It's part of OP's arsenal to move the needle. This is not an attack on the child who is in psychiatric distress and lashing out. This child must be moved to a more appropriate placement and cannot stay where they are. So this is for the good of everyone.

The bullying part of the complaint is absolutely not valid.

A general complaint about disruptive behavior is very valid but lying about bullying as part of an "arsenal" is messed up and morally wrong.

Agree. Her daughter is not the target of a bully. Don't water down that very important tool for handling actual bullying.

OP, your daughter has anxiety. Work on that.

You fools who think parents will just put up with their kids being in a toxic environment all year long are going to be the downfall of the public school system. Would you tell your kid to stay in an abusive relationship while their partner is in therapy? Of course not. You are not the heroes you strive to be. You are facilitating the demise of an institution that stands at the foundation of democracy. Stand down.

troll couldn't even be bothered to read two sentences.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to do a better job with your own child, OP. If you had taught her more about resilience and inclusion, she would not be in the situation she is in. And also

- where is your empathy for the other child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to do a better job with your own child, OP. If you had taught her more about resilience and inclusion, she would not be in the situation she is in. And also

- where is your empathy for the other child?

Sure because at your place of work you have a fellow employee who spends the day screaming, crying, throwing items and forcing himself to vomit.

When you ride public transportation and you are seated next to someone who is screaming, crying, throwing items and forcing himself to vomit you willingly sit there for extended periods of time instead of getting up and moving. If you knew you had to be in close proximity with that person everyday you would find alternative transportation.

Any adult who said they were fearful of commuting to work because they had to be in close proximity for an hour to an individual like this wouldn't be thought of as having anxiety because they have a rational fear or not wanting to be vomited on or not wanting to have anything thrown at them.

What we expect general education teachers and other students in the classroom to deal with is just not right.

Not every student can be in a class with a large class size, so they need a class that meets their needs. School districts have removed these placement options. It isn't fair to the student having difficulty and isn't fair to the rest of the students and teachers.

[Anonymous]

My child is a couple years older, and other than not vomiting or throwing things, he sounds similar the child the OP's daughter's class.

By all means, complain to the principal and central office. The parents of the other child probably know he needs more support, but schools here are very reluctant provide support unless there's an immediate and serious safety risk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to do a better job with your own child, OP. If you had taught her more about resilience and inclusion, she would not be in the situation she is in. And also

- where is your empathy for the other child?

Huh? I'm usually quick to criticize in the situations you're alluding to, but I didn't get that sense from the OP's message at all. Maybe some of the responses, but not the OP's

[Anonymous]

School always says they don't do musical classrooms or all the parents will bolt in a situation like this.
What I did was move my kid to the Catholic school in town.