DD terrified to go to school due to classmates behavior. How to proceed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD (7) has become increasingly anxious about attending school due to a classmates behavior.

This boy was recently moved to her home room because his previous teacher (new grade) was overwhelmed and DDs current teacher is an experienced educator.

It’s been about 4 weeks and DD is so anxious and having super difficult nights and almost impossible mornings.

We’ve asked her numerous times if this child had ever done anything to her and she says no. It seems like she’d never been targeted but his behavior in itself is very triggering for her. She is highly sensative and not use to loud, overstimulating environments.

From what we’ve gathered his behaviors are generally massive meltdowns that include screaming, crying, throwing items and forcing himself to vomit. He had not reportedly been violent to any other students or teachers.

We spoke to her teacher about it and she seemed sympathetic and even frustrated by the situation but unable to do much. She does allow DD and a few other kids who get stressed out by his meltdowns to sit out in the hall when this student acts out.

We just don’t know how to proceed. Admin made it clear they won’t discuss the child with us which we understand. This is just starting to negatively impact her ability to learn and her at home behavior.

I do feel for this child and his family but my first priority is my child.

Has anyone been in this situation?

Private schools don’t take kids like that. Send your daughter there.

[Anonymous]

You need to document how this affecting your child. Email the teacher so it is in writing and explain your child isn’t sleeping and no longer wants to attend school. Ask the teacher how your child is doing in class. Is her work being affected, does she seem upset, etc. how often is she having to leave the room. Do not mention the other student, just focus on your child.

You need written documentation how it is affecting your child. The school will do nothing unless you have proof.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you're gossiping about this child to other parents? How nasty!!

Your child clearly has anxiety. Get her diagnosed, start the special education process so you can deal with her anxiety. It's only going to get worse and you should get the process for her anxiety accommodations rolling now.

A kid doesn’t have to have anxiety to be having problems sharing a classroom with a kid who screams, throws things, and forces themselves to vomit.

Right?! What sane person would *like* that environment?!

But OP's child is the only one refusing to go to school. THAT is difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Catholic or Christian School

That has its own set of issues. Lots of bullying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teacher here. Honestly, I’d move my kid to Catholic school. I know you said you can’t afford it but I’d find a way. I moved my kid to Catholic school for other reasons but if a single parent teacher can find a way, so can you.

It is very difficult to get an aide for students like this. The documentation process takes forever in public school. The fastest I’ve ever seen a child get an aide at my school was nearly two years. First, you have to document all of the behaviors and then have an initial meeting. Then you have to order a functional behavioral assessment. Then you meet again to possibly develop a behavioral intervention plan. By then, the school year is over and start again the following year to work on getting a one-on-one.

I know a public school teacher that has her kids in Catholic school. I have specifically asked that my children not be placed in her class. I won't allow my children to be taught by such a hypocrite. That and she lives in our neighborhood and is just a nasty person.

[Anonymous]

Ask for an assessment to see if an IEP or 504 plan is appropriate for your child's anxiety. If they have to do a bunch of things to accommodate her, either they'll switch her class or figure something out for the other kid (who sounds like he needs a 1 to 1 aide who can remove him when necessary). Having your child leave the room because she is anxious is exclusion based on her disability and not appropriate.

[Anonymous]

My daughter was in this situation at a private school. It was in 1st grade and it took the school a long time to counsel the other child out. Like OP’s DD, mine had an evacuation/safety plan. She would go across the hall to the other classroom to sit with that teacher if the girl started throwing things at her (for some reason she was targeted and others were not).

The administration and teachers had to be so careful about what they told me. Finally I read between the lines and started documenting every little incident. Others did too, and I guess that is what was required to build the legal protection for the school to safely not renew the girl’s contact.

TLDR: happens at even the nicest most desirable private schools

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you're gossiping about this child to other parents? How nasty!!

Your child clearly has anxiety. Get her diagnosed, start the special education process so you can deal with her anxiety. It's only going to get worse and you should get the process for her anxiety accommodations rolling now.

A kid doesn’t have to have anxiety to be having problems sharing a classroom with a kid who screams, throws things, and forces themselves to vomit.

Right?! What sane person would *like* that environment?!

But OP's child is the only one refusing to go to school. THAT is difference.

OP said a whole group of kids leaves the classroom when he acts our, so its likely many other parents have the same issue but are, rightfully, not teaming up against the kid. Each family should report individually on their own idea they have this issue.

[Anonymous]

For anxiety, reporting the anxiety or pursuing a 504 for anxiety is going to lead to the school offering counseling support, which will turn into endless data collection on your family. That information can all be weaponized against you later.

If you opt out of the counseling program, they will replace the counselor with an administrator for her enrollment. That is what you want.

Are the boy's meltdowns happening in the afternoon? You might be able to convince your daughter to go to school on time in the morning and pull her out each day before the meltdowns start. If you are in FCPS, they only track morning admissions to count as attendance for the whole day. Doing this would depend on your childcare situation.

If the transfer to another classroom is not being approved, you could try removing for Homeschool and then reenrolling the next week. In Virginia, you need to submit paperwork at the end of the year that someone with a master's degree or higher saw improvement, so that means hire a tutor during the gap. Kids lose their place in their classroom when they are disenrolled, so there is a chance she is re-enrolled in a different class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there another class she can move to?

Admin said they don’t play “musical classes” mid year.

But apparently they do for this child. I think there are a few other kids also struggling so they’re afraid if the move DD they’ll have to move the other children.

Has the admin told you what they plan to do to make the environment good for all kids?

Separately, and I have no idea if this is a good idea or not, but is there any way to desensitize your DD to his behavior. Be dismissive. This again?! I hate this for your DD but she would be well served to not be taken out by other's bad behavior that she has no control over. Just a thought.

Admin won’t discuss the child with us. We have to focus on DD and her anxiety.

So, I have no idea what their plan is with him.

We are handling DDs anxiety but we had very few issues until this boy was placed in her home room. All of her anxiety, sleepless nights, rough mornings, lack of concentration at school are rooted in worrying about his meltdowns.

We’ve tried to coach her through how to respond but honestly I’d be scared too.

This sounds like DCPS.

If it were me, I’d consult an attorney and start contacting the chancellor. And don’t stop contacting. They will try to wear you down.

This child is infringing on your child’s civil rights. They are also abusing your child through their actions. Keep it about your child. You don’t actually care what they do For the other child as long as it results in your child’s safety and comfort.

DCPS is the worst with things like this. You can’t stop. Bring it to everyone. Your council member, make a police report, go to instructional super intendent, chancellor and consult an attorney

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You do finer ever instance. Document your child's school refusal based on the duration she is experiencing in class. Send to principal -'s asst principal and eventually above them. If enough learners complain, the school may do something about the disrupting kid.

Should we get an official assessment with her pediatrician? Is it inappropriate for me to reach out to the parents of the other kids struggling? I don’t want to “bully” this kid out of the class.

Why not? This kid is bullying your kid out of class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell my kid she has my permission (the only permission she needs) to calmly walk to the library and sit and read a book whenever she feels scared to be in the classroom with the bad kid, even if that’s all day every day.

I’d keep good notes on when she goes there. And then after a few weeks I’d tell the school they need to provide a free tutor during school hours to catch her up and teach her the curriculum since they have chosen to make her classroom unsafe.

Students aren’t allowed to leave the classroom without permission. They aren’t allowed to go to another room unsupervised.

backpack?

What is the school going to do about it though?

Teacher chat likely initially. Asst Principal or Principal mtg at some point. Suspension later if it becomes a pattern.

I mean I assume children aren’t “allowed” to have violent outbursts. Maybe th student who is causing all of this should have a talking to and then be expelled. What’s the difference here? The disruptive child is acceptable bc they’re staying in class?

[Anonymous]

I’d talk to the principal, and start process of moving my kid to a brick and click charter. Or a private. Then you have a way out if principal does nothing.

[Anonymous]

This sounds very hard and upsetting. I’m sorry for all the kids in this class, including that student who is having a hard time- he’s dealing with something and it sounds like it isn’t being addressed.

While I agree this sounds frustrating and your daughter’s education should not be derailed by the behavior of others, this is also a time to help your daughter learn how to deal with her anxiety. If her process is to get so worked up and worried, then this is an opportunity to teach her how anxiety works and how to manage it. Expect the worry to show up, help her realize that worry won’t “go away” it’s learning how to expect it, put it in the back seat and let your daughter decide what she wants to do- her worry doesn’t driver her decisions for action, she does. Take the anxiety out of the driver’s seat. In this case, this kid will have a fit again. Your daughter will be uncomfortable, she can expect that. The key here is what she does with it- what can she tell herself- yes, ok there is my worry. Of course it’s there. Thanns, I don’t need you now. I’m ok, my teacher is here, I don’t like it but I can handle it- I can quietly hum to myself, I can draw on my paper, I can sing a song in my head, I can tell myself that the teacher will handle this.

If her process at 7 is this anxious, it is likely going to come up another time, another way- once this boy goes away, her worry, at some point will come back with another trigger. That is why you don’t “treat” or avoid the trigger, you work with you child on how they sit in the uncomfortable situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teacher here. Honestly, I’d move my kid to Catholic school. I know you said you can’t afford it but I’d find a way. I moved my kid to Catholic school for other reasons but if a single parent teacher can find a way, so can you.

It is very difficult to get an aide for students like this. The documentation process takes forever in public school. The fastest I’ve ever seen a child get an aide at my school was nearly two years. First, you have to document all of the behaviors and then have an initial meeting. Then you have to order a functional behavioral assessment. Then you meet again to possibly develop a behavioral intervention plan. By then, the school year is over and start again the following year to work on getting a one-on-one.

I know a public school teacher that has her kids in Catholic school. I have specifically asked that my children not be placed in her class. I won't allow my children to be taught by such a hypocrite. That and she lives in our neighborhood and is just a nasty person.

Lol. So I'm a hypocrite because I choose to send my kid to a different type of school than where I work? Lol! So if you work for Burger King and only go to other fast food places, does that make you a hypocrite? If you work for Apple but have a Samsung, are you a hypocrite? Many teachers choose to send their children to different schools than where they work. The last I checked, you were allowed freedom of choice in this country. When you've seen how the sausage is made, it sometimes makes you want to become a vegetarian.