When sorority rush goes wrong

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The lowest tier houses mean she'll be separated from all her current friends. And the lower tier houses are not a guarantee themselves. She could very likely not be either of them either.

I guess my true question is (let's not get caught up in house tiering) is: what happened to your kid if they were either not matched to any house or separated from all their current friends? Did they bounce back socially? Did they transfer?

Unless she is dropped or drops out before the final night, she should get a bid somewhere.

She will make lots of friends in college, not just her current friends. She'll be fine.

Rush is hard, but she will be fine.

[Anonymous]

At a big school I think you just keep going and trying stuff. Join a club, a team, a newspaper, etc.

[Anonymous]

it's so brutal to watch this process, OP. echoing the support and suggestions of many earlier posters, i'd suggest making a concrete game plan today:

- go through the rounds until preference. she doesn't know at this point where her friends will ultimately end up (trust, there are lots of disappointments to come)

- if she starts to warm up to her remaining houses, great! then go through pref night for more info, and see where she ends up on bid day. keep an open mind then, as there will be so many women she hasn't met yet. if it's a terrible match, drop before initiation and try again next year (or move on from greek life)

- if she doesn't like her final two houses, drop before pref (don't wait to get bid). snobbery isn't an issue; this is a voluntary activity and she shouldn't be shamed if she honestly can't see a match. if she doesn't feel a connection, no need to lock herself in at this point. then, sign up for COB right away! many houses regardless of "tier" will do COB (yes, even "top-tier" houses), and if she has current friends who pledge, she may have a better shot then

- meanwhile, treat social life like a class. find three clubs/activities. try each one three times. structure it, and something will take root. so many kids who had easy social experiences before college haven't developed the skills of putting themselves out there. practicing now will pay dividends for the future, in addition to finding her people (who ARE at Michigan, it will just work to find them)

truly wishing the best of luck!

[Anonymous]

I have no idea what the sorority scene at Michigan is like but could she do COB?

My DD didn't get into her preferred houses last year but she was able to COB into one of her top two houses after rush ended (greek life is obviously not a big deal at that school like it would be with a SEC school).

[Anonymous]

Mine rushed at start of spring semester freshman year at a big school (that was the process at her school, no formal fall rush). She didn’t get the house she wanted, but committed anyway to one that might be considered lower tier. It wasn’t a great match and she quit at the start of sophomore year.

However, she went on to join a service sorority and that has turned out to be amazing for her. She has a great friend group now, is the membership chair this year, and is now running for president for her senior year. It’s not at all fuddy-duddy like you might think. They have formals and outings, it’s just that there is no drinking at official events.

I went to a Big 10 school and rushed my sophomore year, but quit at the start of my senior year, so Greek life was never something I ever really mentioned or encouraged. I had my own friend group (who are still my best friends almost 40 years later) and was involved in tons of stuff on campus that didn’t require being Greek. School and your social life is what you make of it.

[Anonymous]

I cannot believe we allow this ridiculous Greek system to persist. As if women need more things in life that pit us against other women on the basis of how we look and encourage a judgmental class system where some are "in" and some are "out." The fact that she wants to transfer because she didn't get into one of the "good" sororities speaks to how mentally unhealthy this whole system is.

Michigan is a huge school where anyone can find their people if they try. Most students at Michigan aren't even in sororities or fraternities. Greek life just isn't a big thing there. I'm sure she feels like her entire college experience will be ruined, but maybe it's time for some perspective. Give it time, find some other clubs or groups, and maybe she rushes next year. Choose the people who choose you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have no idea what the sorority scene at Michigan is like but could she do COB?

My DD didn't get into her preferred houses last year but she was able to COB into one of her top two houses after rush ended (greek life is obviously not a big deal at that school like it would be with a SEC school).

Which round did she lose her top house? I keep hearing about COB, but I feel like it's not a reliable pathway if you didn't get the house you are targeting in Philanthropy round. Wouldn't the houses go for the girls they lost at Pref, then Sisterhood, then Philanthropy?

[Anonymous]

OP - Have you joined the FB group for parents? It's been advertised on the class pages at least once or twice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The lowest tier houses mean she'll be separated from all her current friends. And the lower tier houses are not a guarantee themselves. She could very likely not be either of them either.

I guess my true question is (let's not get caught up in house tiering) is: what happened to your kid if they were either not matched to any house or separated from all their current friends? Did they bounce back socially? Did they transfer?

Mine stayed at the school. She became friends with some girls in her dorm, some of whom were in sororities, and realized she could still go to the frat parties (her not being Greek didn’t matter) regardless of her “status.” She had fun for a while, but then she realized Greek life was not so great after all. Her Greek friends ended up being $h!tty friends and the frat guys were utterly idiotic. She ultimately found some really nice girls to hang with and also met a very nice non-frat boy who is now her boyfriend. What helped her get through it all was 1) focusing on school and 2) getting a part-time job. What also helped was hearing from another friend (who joined a sorority her freshman year) that it wasn’t worth it in the end (the friend dropped out of the sorority).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no idea what the sorority scene at Michigan is like but could she do COB?

My DD didn't get into her preferred houses last year but she was able to COB into one of her top two houses after rush ended (greek life is obviously not a big deal at that school like it would be with a SEC school).

Which round did she lose her top house? I keep hearing about COB, but I feel like it's not a reliable pathway if you didn't get the house you are targeting in Philanthropy round. Wouldn't the houses go for the girls they lost at Pref, then Sisterhood, then Philanthropy?

Are you OP?

I have no idea which round she lost her top house. I never did greek life myself so it's all foreign to me. I just know she didn't get into any of her top houses during rush but was able to COB into one of her top houses after rush was over. Why she wasn't able to get in during rush but in during COB (they obviously had space) is a mystery to me but she seems happy with the outcome although it was brutal during rush.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The lowest tier houses mean she'll be separated from all her current friends. And the lower tier houses are not a guarantee themselves. She could very likely not be either of them either.

I guess my true question is (let's not get caught up in house tiering) is: what happened to your kid if they were either not matched to any house or separated from all their current friends? Did they bounce back socially? Did they transfer?

If she accepts a bid from a sorority that doesn't include any of her current friends, then she would make new friends in her new sorority. Life evolves. You meet new people. It could be great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends on the school. At some of the smaller private schools like Vanderbilt or Northwestern, you end up being friends with girls in other houses that you were with freshman year. Those friendships don’t change.

Plus a lot of people rush as sophomores as well.

Michigan /UVA is very very different.

https://fsl.umich.edu/article/community-statistics

With 23% of undergrad women in sororities at Michigan, that leaves a large majority of unaffiliated women to make friends with.

At Michigan, there are dorm residences for women only, there are living learning communities including one for sophomores, and hundreds of ECs and clubs.

Friends who drop you when they have new friends aren't friends at all. And at a big school, there are always fun people who are unaffiliated.

I wouldn't recommend her joining a sorority where she doesn't vibe with the members. But just want to say that ranking groups of people in tiers is shallow and she should be able to get past the "not picked by a top tier" feeling if she really wants to go Greek.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe we allow this ridiculous Greek system to persist. As if women need more things in life that pit us against other women on the basis of how we look and encourage a judgmental class system where some are "in" and some are "out." The fact that she wants to transfer because she didn't get into one of the "good" sororities speaks to how mentally unhealthy this whole system is.

Michigan is a huge school where anyone can find their people if they try. Most students at Michigan aren't even in sororities or fraternities. Greek life just isn't a big thing there. I'm sure she feels like her entire college experience will be ruined, but maybe it's time for some perspective. Give it time, find some other clubs or groups, and maybe she rushes next year. Choose the people who choose you!

Who is "we?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends on the school. At some of the smaller private schools like Vanderbilt or Northwestern, you end up being friends with girls in other houses that you were with freshman year. Those friendships don’t change.

Plus a lot of people rush as sophomores as well.

Michigan /UVA is very very different.

https://fsl.umich.edu/article/community-statistics

With 23% of undergrad women in sororities at Michigan, that leaves a large majority of unaffiliated women to make friends with.

At Michigan, there are dorm residences for women only, there are living learning communities including one for sophomores, and hundreds of ECs and clubs.

Friends who drop you when they have new friends aren't friends at all. And at a big school, there are always fun people who are unaffiliated.

I wouldn't recommend her joining a sorority where she doesn't vibe with the members. But just want to say that ranking groups of people in tiers is shallow and she should be able to get past the "not picked by a top tier" feeling if she really wants to go Greek.

Assuming there are about 4000 freshman women, at least 75% won't be Greek by the end on Jan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:it's so brutal to watch this process, OP. echoing the support and suggestions of many earlier posters, i'd suggest making a concrete game plan today:

- go through the rounds until preference. she doesn't know at this point where her friends will ultimately end up (trust, there are lots of disappointments to come)

- if she starts to warm up to her remaining houses, great! then go through pref night for more info, and see where she ends up on bid day. keep an open mind then, as there will be so many women she hasn't met yet. if it's a terrible match, drop before initiation and try again next year (or move on from greek life)

- if she doesn't like her final two houses, drop before pref (don't wait to get bid). snobbery isn't an issue; this is a voluntary activity and she shouldn't be shamed if she honestly can't see a match. if she doesn't feel a connection, no need to lock herself in at this point. then, sign up for COB right away! many houses regardless of "tier" will do COB (yes, even "top-tier" houses), and if she has current friends who pledge, she may have a better shot then

- meanwhile, treat social life like a class. find three clubs/activities. try each one three times. structure it, and something will take root. so many kids who had easy social experiences before college haven't developed the skills of putting themselves out there. practicing now will pay dividends for the future, in addition to finding her people (who ARE at Michigan, it will just work to find them)

truly wishing the best of luck!

DP. Most helpful response I’ve seen on DCUM in a long time. I wish more people were like you.