When sorority rush goes wrong

[Anonymous]

I'm the OP
Michigan. She was already struggling with the size of the school and had been holding out hope that this would help her with community.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It happened to me, back in the day.

I am shy, so Greek life was arguably not going to be a great fit for me, anyway. I rushed because most of my friends were. I actually felt like it was going decently, but I got cut by a ton of houses.

I quit with just one round to go.

I got deeply involved with an extracurricular that I had tried freshman year. THAT was where I found my people. I wound up having a wonderful college experience. I think this would be the case for your daughter, too. Hopefully, the friends she's already made are true friends, and they can still be friends. But the girls will be busy with pledging. I'd DEFINITELY encourage your daughter to get involved in a different way. Maybe a choir, an intramural sport, an art club, a job? Good luck!

This, OP. If your daughter truly doesn't care about Greek life and only wants friends, there are so many other ways to make friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The lowest tier houses mean she'll be separated from all her current friends. And the lower tier houses are not a guarantee themselves. She could very likely not be either of them either.

I guess my true question is (let's not get caught up in house tiering) is: what happened to your kid if they were either not matched to any house or separated from all their current friends? Did they bounce back socially? Did they transfer?

But she will make new friends in the sorority or other clubs and activities. It’s unreasonable to expect every friend from freshman year to stay close to you all four years.

Transferring will guarantee she loses her friends from freshman year so I don’t see how that helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP
Michigan. She was already struggling with the size of the school and had been holding out hope that this would help her with community.

Only 18% of Michigan undergrads are in fraternities/sororities. I truly don't understand why she thinks this is the only way she can find community. What else has she done?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone been in this position?

My daughter decided to rush and things have not gone well. She is either going to end up a lowest tier house or no house at all.
She is a lovely, fun girl with a great circle of deep high school friendships and actually had a great time in the rush activities (loved meeting the girls, thought she was having great connections) but things did not go her way. I think she hitched her star to several houses where older girls from her high school are and then didn't match with them and then fell down in the rankings. Or whatever. I'm not sure. We are not a sorority household.

The upshot is that she's pretty devastated and feeling like every friend she made this past fall (which she was feeling shaky about to begin with) will move on without her as they all are doing better in the rush process. Over winter break she had been casually mentioning wanting to transfer due to the social scene and I assume this will bring up that conversation again. I support her in whatever decision she makes.

If this happened to your daughter (sorority rush did not go well AT ALL), what ended up happening?
Please be kind. I think my child had a very healthy perspective on things but it does feel to her that everyone she knows (her roommate, her hall mates, her other friends) will be joining greek life while she will not and it feels really isolating. She doesn't care about Greek life but just deeply wants friends and a community.

Thank you!

Depends upon the school, but in this case transferring might be a good option to consider.

Your best shot at pledging is first opportunity available, i.e., freshman year. Transferring and expecting to land in a top tier house is a fool's errand. Also, transferring because you think the only way to find a community is through Greek Life is silly.

OP - I would encourage her to continue through the process, if only to see what the remaining days of recruitment bring. If she REALLY doesn't like her option(s) at the end, have her drop, but I think there is something to be said to continue throughout the process to see what it's about. I was dirty rushed, SO mad that I was dropped by my "top" house, but ended up in a house with 200 other young women and made lifelong friends.

If her friends pledge "the top houses", she should remain friendly and supportive and get involved in something second semester. That will set her up really well for the COB process that will occur in the spring and also allow her to meet other people - affiliated or not.

[Anonymous]

My daughter was in a similar situation this fall. It was devastating to her. She had been dirty rushed all summer. She ended up in a mid/bottom tier house and is actually very happy. She’s met a lot of really nice girls in her sorority but she’s also remained friends w girls in more “top” houses. Her closest friend group is made of up 5 girls who are all in different houses. The process is so awful. I really feel for your daughter and for you. It’s really hard to watch your kid go through it.

[Anonymous]

Our daughter rushed her sophomore year after transferring. She is a somewhat shy but pretty social girl, and was eager to meet new people. She enjoyed the process, met lots of great girls, and the only bid she got was from what she described as a "weird" house.
It took a while for her to get over the shock. She joined a couple of club sports, and then a couple of really active clubs. By junior year, she had settled in well. She is now a senior and the sorority thing is long ago in the rear window.
OP: Encourage your girl to continue to pursue other avenues to meet people and get involved on campus. The school our daughter transferred from was Michigan-sized but even there she found ways to be involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why in the world would she transfer?? If she cannot make friends at this school without Greek Life, what’s the logic that she can make friends at other schools?

Presumably she chose this college because she liked the campus, program, location, vibe, culture.?

If it was my kid, I would have them branch out and make new friends. I would also downplay the whole sorority thing. Have them do a meager abroad. Sounds like she needs to broaden her perspective.

+1. I would not encourage transfer talk. I’m also unclear on why it’s important to hold on to current friends if people grow in different directions. We’re all adults here - we know that people grow apart. It’s normal and natural. This is life

Maybe the “lower tier” house (I just threw up in my mouth typing that) will be good friends.

[Anonymous]

sorry OP this is tough. My DD is at vandy and although the school feels they approach rush more thoughtfully (rush after xmas not right out of gate in august), there will always be a population of mean girls jockeying and landing the “top” tier houses. And they create this perception of tiering to validate their status in the world. The reality is that most of these girls are awful and the infighting and catty behavior worsens over time according to my DD - long winded way of saying what seems like the top choice frosh year rarely is the right choice for nice well-rounded friendly girls, and as others say the lower tier (horrible term btw) houses are usually wonderful for developing true friendships. But so many of these girls feel the pain frosh year, the first time they’ve truly ever been rejected - and breaks my heart when they wind up transferring (a number of dd’s friends did after rush). Anyway best of luck, it does get better is she hangs in there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our daughter rushed her sophomore year after transferring. She is a somewhat shy but pretty social girl, and was eager to meet new people. She enjoyed the process, met lots of great girls, and the only bid she got was from what she described as a "weird" house.
It took a while for her to get over the shock. She joined a couple of club sports, and then a couple of really active clubs. By junior year, she had settled in well. She is now a senior and the sorority thing is long ago in the rear window.
OP: Encourage your girl to continue to pursue other avenues to meet people and get involved on campus. The school our daughter transferred from was Michigan-sized but even there she found ways to be involved.

DEPENDS UPON THE PARTICULAR SCHOOL.

Many at SMU & some Southern state flagships transfer if they want a certain type of social life during & after college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP
Michigan. She was already struggling with the size of the school and had been holding out hope that this would help her with community.

You are indulging teenage drama. Surely you are an adult with experience who can acknowledge her feelings and draw her into a wider perspective?

[Anonymous]

My DD made a nice group of friends at big state school. They all decided to (spring) rush, except for my DD. I was worried as she struggles with friendship. She had no interest in Greek life. She had some acquaintances thru her classes that she got to know better and also joined a club. She made new friends but is still friends with her “original” group.

[Anonymous]

I know how hard it is watching your daughter go through this process. My DD was cut from the houses she wanted after the 2nd round and was extremely discouraged, especially since her friends weren’t cut. She stuck it out and ended up in a house that was probably the right one all along. She’s comfortable and happy there.

I’d encourage your daughter to stick it out. I was in a lower-tier sorority, and looking back I’m extremely glad I was. I was happy there and never felt pressured to be someone I wasn’t. I got to participate on Greek life in a low-pressure, relaxed way. And I stayed close with my original friends who went to other sororities while simultaneously making new friends.

And if it doesn’t work out at all, that’s also okay. One of my daughter’s closest friends dropped out of rush and still joins in on all of the social events.

[Anonymous]

Thank you all for your kind replies. DCUM can be awesome.

I (and she) recognize that there are many opportunities to meet people at college but she worked hard to forge the friendships she has (it was a bumpy fall) and she fears that these fledgling friendships will slip away when she is separated from each of them in greek life. She struggles with the size of the school in general.
It is very helpful to hear these experiences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The reality is that most of these girls are awful

^ this, top tier = awful