Daughter blames me for my health

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is very brave (or stupid) for posting this question on this forum. Most of you have no time for/hate your aging parents.

Post after posts says 4 weeks is "a lot." It's not a lot. It's a decent amount, sure, but it's not a lot.

Sorry, but when my mom was 77, I was 46. At that time I had kids in elementary, full-time work and the whole household to run. What exactly do you mean 4 weeks is not a lot? There's absolutely no way I'd be able to visit my parents for 4 weeks every year in another location. Add to this ILs and we have 4 adults. Are you saying you're spending 4 months a year visiting your elderly parents/ILs? This is not possible for the majority of people with elderly parents/ILs.

+1 I’m sorry but OP is clueless. A 77 year old woman probably has children in their mid 40s to early 50s. And if she has children (which OP did not mention so I’m thinking no?) they are likely teens or early 20s. At say 50, you’re working full time, you have teens or college aged children coming and going, you may be dealing with your own health issues or your IL’s health issues, it is a busy time of life and I am surprised OP doesn’t recognize this.

Even if OP’s child is single and no kids, you still run into the issue of taking time off at work. It’s not always possible and it is limited for most people. I’d suggest dropping the visit at Thanksgiving and moving it to sometime in the late winter/early spring, that way everything is more spaced out. And if OP is that worried about her health, it’s time to look into a retirement community or at least downsizing to a condo on one level that is much closer to her daughter. Vs. making her travel to you 4 weeks out of the year.

[Anonymous]

In the US 4 weeks is quite a lot for long distance ACs. Is moving a possibility, OP?

The way you expressed your desire for more time with your daughter clearly didn’t resonate with her. It sounds like she is doing what she feels is her limit already.

Talk to your doctor, ask about exercise, PT/OT. Building muscle mass and increasing your proprioceptive balance will greatly increase your QOL and safety. If it’s safe for you, water exercise including simple walking is a great start if you haven’t been exercising.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the US 4 weeks is quite a lot for long distance ACs. Is moving a possibility, OP?

The way you expressed your desire for more time with your daughter clearly didn’t resonate with her. It sounds like she is doing what she feels is her limit already.

Talk to your doctor, ask about exercise, PT/OT. Building muscle mass and increasing your proprioceptive balance will greatly increase your QOL and safety. If it’s safe for you, water exercise including simple walking is a great start if you haven’t been exercising.

Plus it gives you something to do. And you might meet others at senior center exercise pools.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter may just be in denial…..denial that you are getting older (as we all are!)
She may feel that people are in full charge of their health which we are not.

All you can do for now is let her know that you are doing all you can do to stay healthy but that eventually there is little you can do.
Stress to her how much you would like to maximize your visits w/her.

How she reacts to this is beyond your control OP - - you can only do so much! ❤️
Hoping your daughter changes her way of thinking soon - hugs!

[Anonymous]

I’m a single parent of one child in my late 50s. I already realize that later in life I’m going to need to move near where my child ends up, or if that’s not possible move into some kind of community where there are others around and can provide assistance. The fact that OP is complaining about four weeks a year from a long-distance child shows that OP is out of touch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a single parent of one child in my late 50s. I already realize that later in life I’m going to need to move near where my child ends up, or if that’s not possible move into some kind of community where there are others around and can provide assistance. The fact that OP is complaining about four weeks a year from a long-distance child shows that OP is out of touch.

Yes, this.

And I do understand that such a move is incredibly daunting and hard for an older person. Truly, I have sympathy for OP. The problem is expecting her daughter to visit more and more so OP won’t have to change anything. Many of us have already experienced these kinds of demands and expectations from older relatives. OP, this kind of a guilt trip isn’t what you want for your relationship with your daughter.

[Anonymous]

My mom is 78 and walking absolutely helps ostopenia. Also, if you don't have osteoporosis as that age you're ahead of the crowd. Heel striking on pavement is excellent for your bones.

My mom significantly reduced hers this year by walking and taking D3 - K2 mix supplement. She's been osteoporosis meds for 10+ years and the walking and vitamins is the only thing that's reduced it. She also went to her gym and started rowing.

The question for you is what do you want? How do you want to live?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter may just be in denial…..denial that you are getting older (as we all are!)
She may feel that people are in full charge of their health which we are not.

All you can do for now is let her know that you are doing all you can do to stay healthy but that eventually there is little you can do.
Stress to her how much you would like to maximize your visits w/her.

How she reacts to this is beyond your control OP - - you can only do so much! ❤️
Hoping your daughter changes her way of thinking soon - hugs!

Hmmm..I get the feeling our resident boomers are out in full force or sock puppeting. It’s ridiculous to hope the OPs poor daughter “changes her way of thinking” and gives up even more of her life. How toxic and selfish! It’s as if these people forget about wanting to raise children to have happy, independent, productive lives. Why would you want to suck the life out of your own children?

I’ve aged where hiking is really not an option anymore. I’m not going to make my adult kids give up their hiking and rock climbing trips because I can’t keep up. I enjoyed those things when I was their age, now it’s their turn!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:4 weeks?

Doesn’t seem like enough to me. My kids are 16-25, I’m 47, and I’d expect way more than that.

Tell her to get it together.

Do you go visit your mom 4 full weeks a year? So people like to actually vacation.

We live very close so she’s always around but she hasn’t even hit 70 yet, so that’s very different then 77. Ops kid should spend more time wit her at 77.

It’s easier to spend time together when you’re living off snap and section 8 and have no job. Regular people like OP’s daughter have families and kids with activities and don’t have unlimited vacation time so of course 4 weeks to visit her mom is a lot! Plus they don’t even live close.

[Anonymous]

I might have missed this, but OP, how often do you visit your daughter? Planes fly in both directions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sure she's reacting to you trying to guilt her into more visits. It's manipulative.

And you really do need to keep moving. Walking is one of the best things you can do for osteopenia. I live near several 87+ year olds and they walk every day, weather permitting.

I know it's hard to not feel sad. But just sitting there watching the clock tick on your health makes it worse. Be proactive and help yourself.

Telling a family member the situation and asking for a visit is not manipulative.

The way OP wrote it, it sounds manipulative. I probably won't be here much longer and I want to see you more while I'm still here. That is basically what she is saying. That is manipulative.

Yeah, telling a family member that you're probably going to die soon and need more visits because of that at 77 is manipulative all right. Especially when nothing dramatic has happened health-wise, like a terminal cancer diagnosis.

Please give us your non manipulative version.

[Anonymous]

I feel bad for you OP. I know posters are just trying to help but feel like you are not getting much compassion.

I'm older also and declining health and missing family is hard to understand unless you are going through it.

I understand your daughter and everyone else who is very busy but this is part of being in the sandwich years. Most of us older posters took care of our children, elderly parents, homes, pets and had jobs, spouses, activities etc. Just a part of life.

Is there any way you could take the suggestion of PP's and move closer to your daughter? You would just need to find appropriate housing where you could make friends your age and not be dependent on your daughter though. Many of these places have health centers in the building where you could address any health issues.

I wish you all the best OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound sad and worried. You have had a shock going from no significant health problems to multiple meds. I am 10 years younger than you but in the same place medically. Since I retired I walk a mile or two several times per week. I also go to fitness class. My mild osteoporosis has been downgraded to osteopenia due meds, vitamins, and weight bearing exercise.

You can improve your health at any age with diet and exercise. As you age, strength and flexibility are your best protection against falls. There are many exercise classes and videos for seniors that focus on these needs as well as balance. I live in Northern Virginia and community centers have free classes for seniors, many medigap plans pay for gym memberships, and AARP offers virtual classes.

Also I urge you to listen to prior PPs and get your medical and financial POA set up. Think about what you want to happen if you have a medical event that requires you to move to assisted living. I have seen people have a medical event, go to hospital, then rehab then assisted. living and never see their home again. This is hard, but doubly hard if there is no plan.

Hugs OP. Think about how happy it would make your daughter to hear that you have followed her sound advice. My twenty something daughter encourages me in my exercise ventures. She does yoga videos with me, goes for walks, and laughs to see me practice standing on one foot while cooking dinner.



Exercise will also improve your mood. If you continue to feel sad and hopeless, talk to your doctor about being screened for depression. No one lives forever, but you can improve your quality of life for the time you have left.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she cares an awful lot about you and worries that if you aren't moving around you'll decline faster. I get that it can sounds like blame and that she's oversimplifying your issues. It's sound advice, even if not delivered as kindly as you wanted to hear it.

[Anonymous]

I am the 75 year old PP who keeps urging OP to appreciate what see sees as a 3/4 full glass and work to improve her quality of life every day.
Neediness is a self fulfilling prophecy.

Many mothers see their child less than 4 weeks a year.

Preoccupation with mortality is normal but one can get too enmeshed in it. I speak from experience as someone with a cancer diagnosis at 70 and screenings for another cancer every year since I was 55. DH was an athlete who suffered back, neck, and spinal surgeries at age 67-68, got pulmonary embolisms after surgery and nearly died, has sciatica pain still, nerve pain in foot, and was hospitalized with Afib this year. He says it changed his perspective and he goes out walking an hour every day to stay active. He is an inspiration to me.