Daughter blames me for my health
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Anonymous
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OP,
All the elderly parents I know wish the same. Most of them understand that their children have busy lives and can't always be visiting them. Your daughter visits you a lot already! Please don't make her feel guilty like this, because it's only causing her pain. She KNOWS you don't have much time left. She's not going to quit her job, etc, to live with you for a few years. You understand this, right? What YOU need to do is get your affairs in order. Surely you understand that you cannot complain you don't have much time, guilt your child, AND ALSO not lift a finger to write a will, write your medical directives, and start decluttering your home? So why don't you expend this energy you have into doing something useful with the time you have: declutter and write a will, so your estate doesn't spend years in probate. These are the things adult children wished their elderly parents would do. I wish MY parents could do that! Luckily they don't complain they don't see us enough, unlike you. We live abroad and were not able to see them this year, even though my father is sick. So consider how lucky you are. |
Anonymous
| I can't imagine a worst place to post this type of complaint. |
Anonymous
X1000000000 |
Anonymous
| She visits plenty. You go visit her. Stop talking to her about your health. |
Anonymous
I think it's actually the daughter posting, not the mom, as she tries to manage a balance between the guilt her mom is making her feel and her own life and obligations. |
Anonymous
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“I was telling my daughter yesterday that she should visit more”
How about ASKING instead of telling? How about listening to her and walking 15 minutes a day instead of just throwing your hands up in the air and giving up? How about asking her what she needs? |
Anonymous
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Four weeks is a lot. My neighbor who is 77 years old sees her daughter 1 week a year and if the neighbor did not own a beach condo I think the daughter would visit her zero times a year.
Move closer to her if you want to see her more frequently. Almost every woman in her late 70's will have osteopenia. The serious disease is osteoporosis. You want to keep moving to prevent this. Make sure to eat enough proteins, veggies, fruits and a smaller amounts of carbs. Eating a lot of carbs and processed foods will reduce your energy. |
Anonymous
| She visits you for four weeks in a year. How much free time do you think she has? And, does she want to spend it ALL with you? Maybe she has a romantic partner she'd like to vacation with, or kids she wants to take on vacations, or friends she wants to go on trips with. |
Anonymous
| Why does she need to visit you? Aren't you retired? Why are you asking her to take time away from her family, career, and life instead of you going to her? |
Anonymous
| It sounds like your dd lives far. Four times is a lot to visit: it means she prioritizes you in terms of time and budget. So she sees herself doing a lot for you and instead of being grateful you make her feel awful and like she falls short. Then you don't like it when she brings up you needing better lifestyle habits. Do you not see the hypocrisy? You are the one who opened the door for mutual guilt tripping. |
Anonymous
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My mom is 80 - I try to see her 3 times a year and that's tough. But luckily she doesn't complain to me about it and is willing to visit me as well.
My mom does exercise (not strenuously, but regularly) and it does wonders for her. The 6-9 months after my father passed away she stopped and it took a significant toll on her ability to walk around - she noticed it on vacation when we had to go to the ER because of back pain. Luckily that bothered her enough so she got back into exercising - and even though she's 3 years older, she's much more physically capable. So I encourage you to just start walking a little, maybe take a balance class or a water aerobics class. It'll help your body and your spirit. |
Anonymous
This is the issue. A lot of people cannot take too much time off, especially if they have children and a spouse who also has aging parents who live far away. If you want to see your DD more, you need to move closer to her. We are in our 50s/60, and our parents live very far from us, so we don't see them that often. Most of my siblings moved far away from our parents, except for one. She moved like 15 miles away, and our parents moved with them to be closer. They now live in the same condo complex, and it's made things so much easier for everyone. I absolutely know that one's health deteriorates rapidly in old age, but I also know that it's not that easy to take time off to visit aging parents. |
Anonymous
Must be. Something is off about it. |
Anonymous
| Your daughter visiting or not will not prolong your life. Your daughter visits you for longer than 99% of people in her position. Anyone who has a full-time job, which people your daughter's age normally do, will not visit you for 4 weeks a year. We all know you are not going to live forever and have accepted that, it's time you do the same. You haven't exercised in 30 years. You need to do something yourself to improve your quality of life. Then as a PP said, get your affairs in order. Meet and interact with peers who have as much time on their hands and as much time left as you do. |
Anonymous
| Also wanted to add that your daughter does not blame you for your health! She's pointing out that you're responsible for your health, which you are, and wishes you'd do more for yourself instead of expecting her to! |