Daughter blames me for my health

[Anonymous]

You must really hate your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m 77 and my body is starting to really decline. I have osteopenia and a heart condition and have to take a lot more medications now. I’ve been mostly healthy all my life and this year the various ailments and things going wrong have really started to ramp up. I was telling my daughter yesterday that she should visit more (we usually see each other for a week or so during the summer, another week during her birthday, a week during Thanksgiving, and then a week during Christmas and then a long time until our next visit in the spring). I just don’t like going 5-6 months without a visit at my age. She says instead that I should get out of this mindset and “just walk more and eat healthier” and I’ll live longer. It’s true, I never really exercised much in the last 30 years, but that’s not going to change anything in my late 70s. I don’t think she grasps how few years I may have left. I feel much more tired than I did even a few years ago and I can’t handle more than one activity in a day. I’m grateful to have made it this far in good health but I just feel I don’t have too much left in me. When you get to this age, you understand. I don’t think she understands, “just be healthier and live longer” doesn’t work that way.

I think you're just wrong about this -- go for a walk every day. It won't make you live forever but it's ridiculous to say that you don't exercise and you know it wouldn't change your health to do so.

That said, I think it's fine that you miss them but you should recognize that she is visiting you a good amount. And telling you to take care of yourself, which is what "walk more and eat healthier" is, is not *blaming* you for anything. You seem to be looking at all of this from a very cynical POV. Your daughter who visits you a full month every year and wants you to be healthy is not a villain and it's not a good look to frame her as one. My mom has this same martyr vibe and it certainly doesn't make me want to be around her more.

+1 And start lifting weights. Listen to the research on this one: there was a study that followed folks in their late 70s/80s that started lifting weights for the first time, and the results were dramatic.

[Anonymous]

Tough love time OP.

OP, my mom is a decade younger than you with a chronic condition. It pains me how little she does to help herself manage the condition and the knock on effects, despite evidence showing that mild exercise and dietary changes can help a ton and prolong her life or at least improve her quality of life. If it doesn’t come out of a pill bottle, she just isn’t interested, and she’s reached the limits of what those pills can do.

We are absolutely putting our own travel plans on hold to visit her more often, but I inherited the same condition so that means I might not ever get to do the things I want to do with my kids (and in all likelihood I will not live to see grandkids). It sucks. I have to force myself not to pull away because it hurts to see her so willingly helpless.

My mom may not have much time left, but I’ve seen people like you hang on until their 90s, miserable and waiting for death, living between doctors appointments. Get off your butt, get active, and make some friends. If you think your aches and pains hurt you now give it another half decade of inactivity. And stop guilting your daughter - she deserves to live a life that does not revolve around you. She visits plenty.

[Anonymous]

Oh poor you just living in misery between visits hoping you don't die unless it's during a visit.

Get off your butt and walk outside 5 minutes. Then 10. Then 15. Step up as you can. Being outside and having a dreaded onerous task like walking outside will give you something new to do. You might even see a bird! Use a walker or crutches. Whatever. Get outside!