Daughter blames me for my health

[Anonymous]

I’m 77 and my body is starting to really decline. I have osteopenia and a heart condition and have to take a lot more medications now. I’ve been mostly healthy all my life and this year the various ailments and things going wrong have really started to ramp up. I was telling my daughter yesterday that she should visit more (we usually see each other for a week or so during the summer, another week during her birthday, a week during Thanksgiving, and then a week during Christmas and then a long time until our next visit in the spring). I just don’t like going 5-6 months without a visit at my age. She says instead that I should get out of this mindset and “just walk more and eat healthier” and I’ll live longer. It’s true, I never really exercised much in the last 30 years, but that’s not going to change anything in my late 70s. I don’t think she grasps how few years I may have left. I feel much more tired than I did even a few years ago and I can’t handle more than one activity in a day. I’m grateful to have made it this far in good health but I just feel I don’t have too much left in me. When you get to this age, you understand. I don’t think she understands, “just be healthier and live longer” doesn’t work that way.

[Anonymous]

OP, she visits you alot

[Anonymous]

She's feeling defensive after you made your request, so she put the onus on you. Logically I'm sure she understands the situation.

Do you have a friend or spouse who could accompany you maybe once a year to visit your daughter?

[Anonymous]

OP, is there anyway to move closer to her into a retirement facility? What are your finances? Have you done the very practical things like make her power of attorney. Don't just focus on the emotional.

You have work to do. Show your love by being prepared. Again, if your finances allow, reconsider your living situation. You need socialization

[Anonymous]

OP her response was to you asking for more visits.
She visits you a lot! 4 weeks a year!!!!!!

Yeah you may die between visits. So cherish each one.

[Anonymous]

Your post should be "Daughter doesn't visit me enough"

Get rid of the Thanksgiving or Christmas visit and maybe move it to spring. But your visits are a lot.

[Anonymous]

Wow 4 full weeks a year, that's a lot. Would you rather have shorter visits? Because she doesn't have unlimited vacation time, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 77 and my body is starting to really decline. I have osteopenia and a heart condition and have to take a lot more medications now. I’ve been mostly healthy all my life and this year the various ailments and things going wrong have really started to ramp up. I was telling my daughter yesterday that she should visit more (we usually see each other for a week or so during the summer, another week during her birthday, a week during Thanksgiving, and then a week during Christmas and then a long time until our next visit in the spring). I just don’t like going 5-6 months without a visit at my age. She says instead that I should get out of this mindset and “just walk more and eat healthier” and I’ll live longer. It’s true, I never really exercised much in the last 30 years, but that’s not going to change anything in my late 70s. I don’t think she grasps how few years I may have left. I feel much more tired than I did even a few years ago and I can’t handle more than one activity in a day. I’m grateful to have made it this far in good health but I just feel I don’t have too much left in me. When you get to this age, you understand. I don’t think she understands, “just be healthier and live longer” doesn’t work that way.

I think you're just wrong about this -- go for a walk every day. It won't make you live forever but it's ridiculous to say that you don't exercise and you know it wouldn't change your health to do so.

That said, I think it's fine that you miss them but you should recognize that she is visiting you a good amount. And telling you to take care of yourself, which is what "walk more and eat healthier" is, is not *blaming* you for anything. You seem to be looking at all of this from a very cynical POV. Your daughter who visits you a full month every year and wants you to be healthy is not a villain and it's not a good look to frame her as one. My mom has this same martyr vibe and it certainly doesn't make me want to be around her more.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sure she's reacting to you trying to guilt her into more visits. It's manipulative.

And you really do need to keep moving. Walking is one of the best things you can do for osteopenia. I live near several 87+ year olds and they walk every day, weather permitting.

I know it's hard to not feel sad. But just sitting there watching the clock tick on your health makes it worse. Be proactive and help yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP, get a life. You can’t demand that your daughter gives you hers.

[Anonymous]

Hugs OP, she really doesn’t understand and thats just a function of who she is and who you are. Its hard to bridge that gap with compassion and understanding but try to focus on the positives. I worry you are going to ruminate over your request and become depressed about her response which was negative because you presented a scary unwanted truth to your dd. Read, meditate, write, volunteer, help or reach out to someone in a similar situation if you can and I completely agree about preparing for the worst. I feel like prepping for death ends up adding years of life as it lifts the endless stress of uncertainty.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP. I’m sorry for your health issues and feeling misunderstood.

I understand you may be feeling distant and miss your daughter. I do agree that 4 weeks of visiting time is a lot, but I understand how much you miss her and your fears.

I’m guessing you are part of the generation that had the option of HRT stripped away from you. Bone and cardiovascular issues are big issues for post-menopausal women.

I’m the daughter in this situation - my mom is 78, but completely disabled by a degenerative disease and also has osteoporosis issues. I do wonder if she had been in better shape going into it she would be stronger now, but she was busy caring for us teens, working, and volunteering, as well as caring for her own mother. She only retired when her condition required it, but she took a lot of time to help me when my kids were little. She did as much exercise as she could once diagnosed until she was unable. I hate being far away from her and don’t blame her at all for her condition and I recognize I am the one who moved far from home, and am now caught in the middle of caring for my teens, work and my aging parents.

I would focus on having a positive relationship with your daughter, enjoying the time you do have together, and make your best effort for good physical and mental health. Do you have friends to spend time with?

Best wishes to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, get a life. You can’t demand that your daughter gives you hers.

God forbid a lady express her feelings anonymously, looking for some good suggestions. From a different poster who has some compassion.

[Anonymous]

She visits you a ton probably to the detriment of her family and friends and mental health. Instead of being a selfish, manipulative boomer, figure out a way to move to assisted living closer to her so that you won’t be such a burden when you really go downhill.

[Anonymous]

The point of exercise isn't to live forever (obviously!) or even longer, but to improve the quality of life now. Do you complain to your daughter about your health?