Daughter blames me for my health

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sure she's reacting to you trying to guilt her into more visits. It's manipulative.

And you really do need to keep moving. Walking is one of the best things you can do for osteopenia. I live near several 87+ year olds and they walk every day, weather permitting.

I know it's hard to not feel sad. But just sitting there watching the clock tick on your health makes it worse. Be proactive and help yourself.

Telling a family member the situation and asking for a visit is not manipulative.

The way OP wrote it, it sounds manipulative. I probably won't be here much longer and I want to see you more while I'm still here. That is basically what she is saying. That is manipulative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m struck how anyone could be upset that a 40-50 year old isn’t taking more than a month every year to visit them. OP isn’t braver, she’s insanely self centered and lost touch with caring at all about her daughter’s life.

OP do you expect your daughter to quit her job? Never take a vacation that she enjoys? Do you expect your grandchildren to skip school, mess up their grades, quit their sports teams etc all because you’ve decided you want more visits?

OP’s attitude is awful.

Are you feeling good about yourself right now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sure she's reacting to you trying to guilt her into more visits. It's manipulative.

And you really do need to keep moving. Walking is one of the best things you can do for osteopenia. I live near several 87+ year olds and they walk every day, weather permitting.

I know it's hard to not feel sad. But just sitting there watching the clock tick on your health makes it worse. Be proactive and help yourself.

Telling a family member the situation and asking for a visit is not manipulative.

The way OP wrote it, it sounds manipulative. I probably won't be here much longer and I want to see you more while I'm still here. That is basically what she is saying. That is manipulative.

Yeah, telling a family member that you're probably going to die soon and need more visits because of that at 77 is manipulative all right. Especially when nothing dramatic has happened health-wise, like a terminal cancer diagnosis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m struck how anyone could be upset that a 40-50 year old isn’t taking more than a month every year to visit them. OP isn’t braver, she’s insanely self centered and lost touch with caring at all about her daughter’s life.

OP do you expect your daughter to quit her job? Never take a vacation that she enjoys? Do you expect your grandchildren to skip school, mess up their grades, quit their sports teams etc all because you’ve decided you want more visits?

OP’s attitude is awful.

Are you feeling good about yourself right now?

DP and these are legitimate questions. Nobody with a full-time job and a family has time to visit their 1 parent 4 weeks a year. Not sure where you're employed and perhaps your kids don't attend school or do any extra-curriculars and DH is also jobless... but I don't know anyone. For the OP though, that's not enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look I am going to be blunt.
You are lucky she likes you enough to visit as much as she does.
Don't push it.
Some daughters actively dislike their mothers and never see them. Count your blessings.
Your cup is full. According to you only 3/4 full. That's better than many get.

Answer the questions: what do you do when she visits? Are you homebound?

This is cruel.

No it is not cruel to point out she has a lot and a daughter who does visit A LOT. Many would give a lot to trade places.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is very brave (or stupid) for posting this question on this forum. Most of you have no time for/hate your aging parents.

Post after posts says 4 weeks is "a lot." It's not a lot. It's a decent amount, sure, but it's not a lot.

I cannot take anyone who says 4 weeks is not a lot seriously. I question your job, your children, or that you have any type of responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 77 and my body is starting to really decline. I have osteopenia and a heart condition and have to take a lot more medications now. I’ve been mostly healthy all my life and this year the various ailments and things going wrong have really started to ramp up. I was telling my daughter yesterday that she should visit more (we usually see each other for a week or so during the summer, another week during her birthday, a week during Thanksgiving, and then a week during Christmas and then a long time until our next visit in the spring). I just don’t like going 5-6 months without a visit at my age. She says instead that I should get out of this mindset and “just walk more and eat healthier” and I’ll live longer. It’s true, I never really exercised much in the last 30 years, but that’s not going to change anything in my late 70s. I don’t think she grasps how few years I may have left. I feel much more tired than I did even a few years ago and I can’t handle more than one activity in a day. I’m grateful to have made it this far in good health but I just feel I don’t have too much left in me. When you get to this age, you understand. I don’t think she understands, “just be healthier and live longer” doesn’t work that way.

Sometimes real talk can be hard to hear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is very brave (or stupid) for posting this question on this forum. Most of you have no time for/hate your aging parents.

Post after posts says 4 weeks is "a lot." It's not a lot. It's a decent amount, sure, but it's not a lot.

It is a lot. 20 days is my total vacation time for a year, as a 10+ year employee. 4 weeks visiting my parents would mean no time off to visit my in laws, no time to take my kids on a vacation anywhere other than my hometown, not even any days off to chaperone a field trip (unless I carefully scheduled the Mom visits over paid holidays). How is that not a lot?!

If you want to say Americans simply don't get "a lot" of vacation time, fine, but then you can't blame individuals for not visiting their parents "a lot" when it's out of their control.

[Anonymous]

As someone who has had to deal with chronic illness since college, there are definitely people out there who are healthy who don't understand. It is ridiculous to tell a 77 year old that she just needs to exercise and eat well and her health will be fine. That's not how life works. Our bodies start to break down, especially in our late seventies.

OP, do start trying to go for walks, if you have safe sidewalks where you live. Just ten minutes a day and then slowly increase to thirty. It will make you feel better.

Sounds like you and your daughter see each other a lot by modern standards, sadly.

[Anonymous]

If 4 weeks out of the year is not enough, you should be asking yourself why you haven’t moved closer to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sure she's reacting to you trying to guilt her into more visits. It's manipulative.

And you really do need to keep moving. Walking is one of the best things you can do for osteopenia. I live near several 87+ year olds and they walk every day, weather permitting.

I know it's hard to not feel sad. But just sitting there watching the clock tick on your health makes it worse. Be proactive and help yourself.

Telling a family member the situation and asking for a visit is not manipulative.

She didn’t ASK for a visit is the problem. She TOLD her to visit. She cannot demand anything from other adults, and it is indeed incredibly manipulative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 77 and my body is starting to really decline. I have osteopenia and a heart condition and have to take a lot more medications now. I’ve been mostly healthy all my life and this year the various ailments and things going wrong have really started to ramp up. I was telling my daughter yesterday that she should visit more (we usually see each other for a week or so during the summer, another week during her birthday, a week during Thanksgiving, and then a week during Christmas and then a long time until our next visit in the spring). I just don’t like going 5-6 months without a visit at my age. She says instead that I should get out of this mindset and “just walk more and eat healthier” and I’ll live longer. It’s true, I never really exercised much in the last 30 years, but that’s not going to change anything in my late 70s. I don’t think she grasps how few years I may have left. I feel much more tired than I did even a few years ago and I can’t handle more than one activity in a day. I’m grateful to have made it this far in good health but I just feel I don’t have too much left in me. When you get to this age, you understand. I don’t think she understands, “just be healthier and live longer” doesn’t work that way.

It does.

[Anonymous]

Op you seem to be catastrophizing your health a bit. Ostopenia isn’t a death sentence and for heart issues many of them have meds and supervised PT you can do. Unless your doctor is telling you to worry about death right now, get up walk, talk to your doctor about what to do to stay healthy and visit your daughter.

-MD

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry op. I saw my dad every day and I still wish I had spent time with him.
In the hustle of life you get busy with work, kids, your own struggles, duties , interests it's not a failure just part of growing into adulthood. And even though you know it isn't true part of you feels your parents will be around forever and to they aren't and you underestimate how much you wish you had made that visit or call asked that question. And no matter how much you'll always wish for more that's part of loving and missing someone.

Enjoy your visits with her. Maybe she'd be open to a regular phone call or two during the week. Maybe you read the same book or watch the same show and talk about it.

Do what exercise you are are able to do safely that's for you maybe you can Walk down the street and back or do a foot pedal bike while you're home and sitting.

Take care wish you and your daughter the best

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who has had to deal with chronic illness since college, there are definitely people out there who are healthy who don't understand. It is ridiculous to tell a 77 year old that she just needs to exercise and eat well and her health will be fine. That's not how life works. Our bodies start to break down, especially in our late seventies.

OP, do start trying to go for walks, if you have safe sidewalks where you live. Just ten minutes a day and then slowly increase to thirty. It will make you feel better.

Sounds like you and your daughter see each other a lot by modern standards, sadly.

No. Osteoporosis can be managed very successfully. My whole family has osteoporosis and part of the treatment, in addition to medication, IS EXERCISE. OP's daughter is entirely correct, even though she hasn't gone into details. And yes, a good diet can prolong life - my father recently had to switch his and it's making a difference.

It's normal to slow down with age. It doesn't mean OP is dying. There are so many things she could be doing that she doesn't want to do, but she shouldn't complain when her daughter, who comes to see her often, is telling her certain truths.

I'm sorry, but OP is a big whiner.