Is my boyfriend marriage material?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can do better.

And if you don’t want kids just save yourself the hassle and don’t get married!

Unlikely. Many men want kids and won’t consider OP as an option.

[Anonymous]

On a forum where lack of educated, employed and loyal men is often mentioned as a pandemic leaving women struggling with aging, fertility and a shallow pool of quality suitors, asking OP to outright reject an educated, employed and loving BF for something they didn't choose to have, like ADHD or a dysfunctional family, seems odd. Only issue I see is inflexibility, lack of housekeeping skills isn't something you reject someone for if you love them and they love you. You should've moved on after a couple of months of dating. What are you hanging in their for since two years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Some things about me:

Pros: solid career with good earnings, physically 7.5-8, good sense of humor, good at planning things, smart, own home, go to therapy when I need to

Cons: don’t want kids (this narrows my pool), I’m sometimes overly sensitive, I am not submissive, my family members are a mixed bag

If you don’t want kids,
Just date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:He's on meds because you asked him to take them?

Then, no

He' was fine with his ADHD life sans meds before he met you.

After the honeymoon phase, he will go off the meds and blame you for making him take them

Who hurt you to make such generalized assumptions?

Did it hit, sweetie?

A man his age knows what he wants his life to be. He didn't choose to include ADHD meds in his life.

Making someone take meds they themselves didn't initiate on their own is a bad idea.

A lot of people aren't diagnosed until late in life and keep thinking of their ADHD related issues as personal flaws and failures.

That is for him to figure out

OP said she asked him to take meds

Any friend would advise another friend to seek medical advice if they feel it can help their friend. If two people who claim to be in love can't help each other then why label it as love?

If she broke up with him, they would be nothing to each other just like all of our exes. That's the difference between friends and people you are dating.

She needs to marry who he is not who she crafted by requesting he take meds. If they broke up, would he still take the meds?

We don't know if he would and become a great partner to someone else or live alone. However, OP isn't casually dating him for weeks, they are together since two years or so. If ADHD or house cleaning were absolute no for her, she's been wasting his time, money and energy.

[Anonymous]

How's his family dysfunctional and how is yours?

What are your real personal flaws(being too kind or too honest etc won't count)?

What are his strengths other than loving you?

[Anonymous]

If either of you carry a large debt or baggage of unstable, aging or poor family members, this won't workout because your time, energy and resources wouldn't be coming to your home but going elsewhere and that would complicate any relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cons: diagnosed adhd: Yikes
messy: Yikes
stubborn/inflexible: Yikes
dysfunctional family (but not local): Yikes

This. Mine was so rigid. He got really brave being rigid when we had a kid and he thought I was stuck.
I left and he killed himself.
You boyfriend wanting to get married is scary. Mine wanted to marry me but I refused. Luckily the kid is healthy and thinks dad and his family were and are crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cons: diagnosed adhd: Yikes
messy: Yikes
stubborn/inflexible: Yikes
dysfunctional family (but not local): Yikes

This. Mine was so rigid. He got really brave being rigid when we had a kid and he thought I was stuck.
I left and he killed himself.
You boyfriend wanting to get married is scary. Mine wanted to marry me but I refused. Luckily the kid is healthy and thinks dad and his family were and are crazy.

OP, you want advice from this^ board?

[Anonymous]

OP, are you marriage material?

[Anonymous]

Let me tell you a woman version of it.

My ex-gf of age 43 has ADHD, type 2, super messy, inflexible/very rigid and have spending problem. She is more than $80K of credit card debt and a nurse's salary of $60K or so won't cut it. I took care of all the bills outside and inside including rent, going out, dresses, and other items around house and she wasn't contributing much or didn't have much to contribute.

I probably could handle someone with ADHD as it is a medical issue but the thing about being rigid is what was the biggest issue. She would argue about anything small even when it is not affecting or crossing boundaries such as how I need to raise my kids(we have kids from 1st marriages) and didn't take it well when I was firm on my boundaries. Then it resulted into some kind of tantrum and everything got very toxic. I had to end it but it was and still is painful. Your choice but it doesn't end well.

[Anonymous]

You wish every day, not everyday.

Hey thanks, i didn't know that!

[Anonymous]

We really need to rethink how we use the term “broken family”. Just because a marriage ends in divorce doesn’t mean a family is broken. Divorce can be a healthy solution to a problem. There are so many married people who overlook child abuse, infidelity, physical abuse, and other terrible things to stay married. They are married but a broken family. If someone leaves such a dynamic they do so because they are healthy, and are setting a good example for any children involved.

[Anonymous]

Just chiming in to point out the double standard we see here nearly every day of the guy being a (gasp) low earner.

If he lives within his means, and doesnt carry debt- so what? Is OP not working?

It seems an awful lot of women on DCUM demand their partner be a high earner to finance their lifestyle, without a similar commitment to their own career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just chiming in to point out the double standard we see here nearly every day of the guy being a (gasp) low earner.

If he lives within his means, and doesnt carry debt- so what? Is OP not working?

It seems an awful lot of women on DCUM demand their partner be a high earner to finance their lifestyle, without a similar commitment to their own career.

OP said she didn’t care that he was a low earner. Also in an environment where women were historically barred from earning, still face employment discrimination and blockage from the most powerful positions, and we are CURRENTLY seeing a resurgence of people calling for women to be removed from top positions in the military and generally be pushed out of the workforce, it’s not a double standard it’s a survival instinct.

[Anonymous]

If you love him do it.