Is my boyfriend marriage material?
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Anonymous
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My boyfriend wants to get married. I want to get married in general. My parents went through a bad divorce, so I’m weary. I want to avoid something like that. I want to go into marriage with eyes wide open. From those of you who are more experienced can you tell me if you think my boyfriend is marriage material? We don’t want kids.
Pros: very sweet, loyal, showers me with attention, hard working, smart, good politics, nice friend group Cons: diagnosed adhd, messy, stubborn/inflexible, dysfunctional family (but not local) He’s in low earning profession but I don’t mind that. |
Anonymous
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Do you love him?
How long have you been dating? |
Anonymous
| OP here. I love him. We’ve been dating a year and a half. I don’t think love is enough to make marriages work though. It’s a good start. I’m concerned him being inflexible and other ADHD symptoms will wear me down over time. He gets treatment but the symptoms are still there. |
Anonymous
| When you marry, you marry the family. |
Anonymous
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How old?
If you don’t want kids take your time. |
Anonymous
| If you don't want kids, you can do whatever. But I wouldn't. People with ADHD tend to get worse as they age and stubbornness is not a desirable trait. |
Anonymous
Weary: feeling tired wary: feeling cautious Just an FYI in case it wasn't a typo--it's something people often get wrong. Now, as to your question: I don't think a ADHD diagnosis is a con. My CEO DH has ADHD. It's whether he's treating it/managing it and is aware of the potential impacts on things. DH is, and has obviously figured out life hacks. That's the key, IMO. Only you know how much messy you can tolerate, but the two of you can come to some agreements there. Are you overly neat and rigid? You might need to compromise. (That was us, but after 25 yrs we're both less of how we started) Stubborn and inflexible, you two need to communicate. It's the key to marriage. You also don't mention your flaws here. What would he say yours are? |
Anonymous
| Why does everyone Gen Z and younger think the word wary is the same as the word weary? It used to be an occasional mixup but I can't remember the last time I saw someone even use the word wary, it's always weary and always incorrect. It's bizarre. |
Anonymous
Do you want kids? Because I wouldn't sign up for this collection of attributes in a coparenting partner. If he was a zillionaire I could see outsourcing enough to not end up resentful but for a low-earning guy every one of these is going to make your job as a parent 10x harder, and you're not going to care that he's got nice friends when you're the only one keeping everything running at home and you have to work fulltime. Now add in that one or two of your kids are ADHD and see what that does to your stress levels. If you're not planning on kids, the sweetness and showering with attention are more important because the balance between the two of you is what matters long term. |
Anonymous
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Low-earning, ADHD, messy, and inflexible would be deal breakers for me. I was married to that and it was awful, I ended up paying 70% of the bills AND doing 95+% of the domestic work. We did have kids, though.
Have you lived with him? I'd give it a trial run of living together and see how you feel. But personally, I could never be in another relationship where I was both making the money and cleaning the house. What's the point of living with someone if you still have to doe everything? |
Anonymous
^^^^ Avoid AuDHD |
Anonymous
| Honestly? No. ADHD in men and being messy only gets a lot worse with kids and your kids will have a higher probability of having it too. If is not earning a lot bow it's not even helping him super focus at work. You will carry all of the burden of house and money. As he couldn't handle being a stay at home parent. I have seen this play out in so many friends and husbands. It compounds exponentially with a house and kids and the non ADHD parent ends up completely burned out. |
Anonymous
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Everyone rolls the dice.
Whatever bad habits you see now are unlikely to go away. However if you sign up for this, you should be able to sustain your commitment to it. You will likely be the breadwinner. That's o.k. However, people don't just stumble into high-paying jobs. In my life experience, people stayed on the trajectory they set in their early to mid-20s. I am mid-life and only know two people who dug out of early career relatively low-paid situations. Career improvement requires hitting it big with a business, the right kind of grad school, a career ladder with relatively rapid moves, or getting lucky (includes nepotism/connections). It's worth it if you really love somebody. I'd give it some more time to figure out. |
Anonymous
| No. The low earning WILL matter. If you don’t want kids, don’t marry at all. You’ll be a caretaker, forever. |
Anonymous
This. I earn double what DH does. But he has no diagnoses and does all the investing and most of the house cleaning, groceries, kid activity shuttling and leisure planning. |