Is my boyfriend marriage material?

[Anonymous]

"Diagnosed adhd, messy, stubborn/inflexible, dysfunctional family (but not local)" would not work for me. ADHD is genetic, and there's a real chance it gets passed on to your kids. Plus, when you partner and have kids, both have ADHD, you will 100% end up the default parent if you are a woman. Unless he has a lot of self-awareness and has really learned how to manage his ADHD, as a parent, he will forget things, lose things, show up late, etc. You may accept those kinds of traits in a high-earning partner, but you said that he's a low earner. This means he offers you very little as a parenting and financial partner. I say all this as someone who has ADHD, which is well-managed ADHD (medication plus I've learned a lot of coping strategies over the year through different therapies), and I'm raising a kid with ADHD, and it is hard. My ADHD kid needs a lot of extra school support. We do cognitive therapy and have tutors. At least I'm a high earner and can afford to hire lots of help, including a cleaner, a nanny, an executive functioning coach who is not covered by insurance, and tutors. My spouse is also very organized and has strong executive functioning skills, and while it's great to have that to offset my weaknesses, there are times when we don't click. From my perspective, he's controlling and boring. Someone without ADHD probably wouldn't feel that way about him because he would probably be less controlling with a different partner, and other people would appreciate a structured, repetitive, predictable life that I find boring. I crave adventure and adrenaline in a way that he can't relate to.

[Anonymous]

Oh my. He's not. The ADHD no sister this gets soooo much worse with age as does the inflexibility they take you down with them. Then on top of it a messed up family. Hard pass and another thing I guarantee with a messed up family he's hiding more problems than you really know. I promise you that. Move on.

[Anonymous]

Um, a divorced family is also a dysfunctional family, OP. So you both come from dysfunctional families and it sounds like you still have issues from your parents divorce. Are you marriage material as his girlfriend, or do you have things you need to work on before you should get married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you marry, you marry the family.

Totally disagree with this. Geography combined with culture really matters.

[Anonymous]

I would not marry him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does everyone Gen Z and younger think the word wary is the same as the word weary? It used to be an occasional mixup but I can't remember the last time I saw someone even use the word wary, it's always weary and always incorrect. It's bizarre.

They also can’t tell the difference between apart and a part. It’s nuts.

[Anonymous]

If you don't want kids, why do you want to get married? Why not protect your finances from a low earning spouse who will not even contribute to house care? Unless he is a good cook, what are going to gain by marrying this person?
My husband is also adhd and messy and though I care for him I wish everyday that I didn't have kids with him so I could just walk away.

[Anonymous]

It's a personal decision. When dating, I screened out men with dysfunctional families, and who were messy, disorganized, not ambitious.

Only you can decide what's important to you in a spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want kids, why do you want to get married? Why not protect your finances from a low earning spouse who will not even contribute to house care? Unless he is a good cook, what are going to gain by marrying this person?
My husband is also adhd and messy and though I care for him I wish everyday that I didn't have kids with him so I could just walk away.

My ADHD self missed the part of the original post where she said they don't want kids. Obviously, don't get married. There is all downside and zero upside to marrying a low-earning, messy man with ADHD. Just date for as long as you still like each other. If he's pushing for marriage but doesn't want kids, there is a good chance he sees OP as his future paycheck. Don't be that.

[Anonymous]

How is this even a question? No you DO NOT marry him. I wish someone gave me this advice before I got married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend wants to get married. I want to get married in general. My parents went through a bad divorce, so I’m weary. I want to avoid something like that. I want to go into marriage with eyes wide open. From those of you who are more experienced can you tell me if you think my boyfriend is marriage material? We don’t want kids.

Pros: very sweet, loyal, showers me with attention, hard working, smart, good politics, nice friend group

Cons: diagnosed adhd, messy, stubborn/inflexible, dysfunctional family (but not local)

He’s in low earning profession but I don’t mind that.

Do you want kids? Because I wouldn't sign up for this collection of attributes in a coparenting partner. If he was a zillionaire I could see outsourcing enough to not end up resentful but for a low-earning guy every one of these is going to make your job as a parent 10x harder, and you're not going to care that he's got nice friends when you're the only one keeping everything running at home and you have to work fulltime. Now add in that one or two of your kids are ADHD and see what that does to your stress levels.

If you're not planning on kids, the sweetness and showering with attention are more important because the balance between the two of you is what matters long term.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does everyone Gen Z and younger think the word wary is the same as the word weary? It used to be an occasional mixup but I can't remember the last time I saw someone even use the word wary, it's always weary and always incorrect. It's bizarre.

+1

It's right up there with loose/lose and the constant mix-up about advice/advise.

+1

And using when/whenever as if they were synonyms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want kids, why do you want to get married? Why not protect your finances from a low earning spouse who will not even contribute to house care? Unless he is a good cook, what are going to gain by marrying this person?
My husband is also adhd and messy and though I care for him I wish everyday that I didn't have kids with him so I could just walk away.

You wish every day, not everyday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Some things about me:

Pros: solid career with good earnings, physically 7.5-8, good sense of humor, good at planning things, smart, own home, go to therapy when I need to

Cons: don’t want kids (this narrows my pool), I’m sometimes overly sensitive, I am not submissive, my family members are a mixed bag

Do you live in a fundamentalist Christian evangelical culture, where you are expected to be submissive to your husband?

I would never in a million years think of this as a negative

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want kids, why do you want to get married? Why not protect your finances from a low earning spouse who will not even contribute to house care? Unless he is a good cook, what are going to gain by marrying this person?
My husband is also adhd and messy and though I care for him I wish everyday that I didn't have kids with him so I could just walk away.

You wish every day, not everyday.

Someone said to me "I wish I didn't have a family or kids" the other day to me TMI I don't know how to react to that.