Is my boyfriend marriage material?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. The low earning WILL matter. If you don’t want kids, don’t marry at all. You’ll be a caretaker, forever.

+1. If you don't want kids, just live together as partners. Keep finances separate. You can easily end the relationship if things don't work out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just chiming in to point out the double standard we see here nearly every day of the guy being a (gasp) low earner.

If he lives within his means, and doesnt carry debt- so what? Is OP not working?

It seems an awful lot of women on DCUM demand their partner be a high earner to finance their lifestyle, without a similar commitment to their own career.

OP said she didn’t care that he was a low earner. Also in an environment where women were historically barred from earning, still face employment discrimination and blockage from the most powerful positions, and we are CURRENTLY seeing a resurgence of people calling for women to be removed from top positions in the military and generally be pushed out of the workforce, it’s not a double standard it’s a survival instinct.

It's not that OP said she cared- it's all the people jumping in DONT DO IT, HE'S A LOW EARNER

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you love him do it.

Yep. If you love him start your life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend wants to get married. I want to get married in general. My parents went through a bad divorce, so I’m weary. I want to avoid something like that. I want to go into marriage with eyes wide open. From those of you who are more experienced can you tell me if you think my boyfriend is marriage material? We don’t want kids.

Pros: very sweet, loyal, showers me with attention, hard working, smart, good politics, nice friend group

Cons: diagnosed adhd, messy, stubborn/inflexible, dysfunctional family (but not local)

He’s in low earning profession but I don’t mind that.

Are you marriage material?

[Anonymous]

If you don't want kids, just live together as partners. Keep finances separate. You can easily end the relationship if things don't work out.

This
Did I miss where Op said how old she is? How old he is? OP, unless both of you are near 40 yrs old, either of you might change your mind re: wanting to have kids. It's unfair to marry younger and hold the other person to their original decision.

[Anonymous]

Agree with don’t marry unless want kids. Consider: how do they manage money, how do they manage anger (the same way I’m encountering some women changing moods in perimenopause, heads up that some men in middle age handle anger/sadness poorly). Make sure you see them in all seasons, see them fight and the aftermath how they conduct themselves, see how they handle a disappointment. Agree you marry their family but can create boundaries if partner on board. Avoid marrying someone with low self-esteem and lack of resilience.

[Anonymous]

(Screaming from the rooftop of house):
When I see 31 year old woman who doesn’t want kids, be aware: you may change your feelings in a few years. (And he may change his feelings on this in a few years, too, but I’m talking about you here.) Take it from someone who wasn’t sure then mid-thirties there was a very strong desire: take your time on this. Like life partner, this is one of the biggest decisions in your life. There’s no right answer on whether to do, but you could change your mind.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t, no.

The women on here with adhd messy husbands are miserable. You will be doing 99% of the housework in this scenario. Is that how you want to live for the rest of your life?

PS money will matter, even if you have a trust fund.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Some things about me:

Pros: solid career with good earnings, physically 7.5-8, good sense of humor, good at planning things, smart, own home, go to therapy when I need to

Cons: don’t want kids (this narrows my pool), I’m sometimes overly sensitive, I am not submissive, my family members are a mixed bag

I'm going to say no .
Not because of him but because of you. You don't seem capable of an accurate self assessment yet are very critical of him. Which leads me to believe he's not as inflexible as you claim.
He did start meds which is a huge thing. So I'm inclined to believe that what you call inflexibility is just him not wanting to be molded into your perfect man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We really need to rethink how we use the term “broken family”. Just because a marriage ends in divorce doesn’t mean a family is broken. Divorce can be a healthy solution to a problem. There are so many married people who overlook child abuse, infidelity, physical abuse, and other terrible things to stay married. They are married but a broken family. If someone leaves such a dynamic they do so because they are healthy, and are setting a good example for any children involved.

While many marriages are hell but in general glorifying divorcees doesn't erase their mess or children's suffering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

If you don't want kids, just live together as partners. Keep finances separate. You can easily end the relationship if things don't work out.

This
Did I miss where Op said how old she is? How old he is? OP, unless both of you are near 40 yrs old, either of you might change your mind re: wanting to have kids. It's unfair to marry younger and hold the other person to their original decision.

100%. Also why don't you want kids? Age? Infertility? Fear of responsibility? Fear of messing them up with fights and divorce like your parents messed you and your siblings? World's increasing population? Global warming?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me tell you a woman version of it.

My ex-gf of age 43 has ADHD, type 2, super messy, inflexible/very rigid and have spending problem. She is more than $80K of credit card debt and a nurse's salary of $60K or so won't cut it. I took care of all the bills outside and inside including rent, going out, dresses, and other items around house and she wasn't contributing much or didn't have much to contribute.

I probably could handle someone with ADHD as it is a medical issue but the thing about being rigid is what was the biggest issue. She would argue about anything small even when it is not affecting or crossing boundaries such as how I need to raise my kids(we have kids from 1st marriages) and didn't take it well when I was firm on my boundaries. Then it resulted into some kind of tantrum and everything got very toxic. I had to end it but it was and still is painful. Your choice but it doesn't end well.

Oh this is nuts. Imaging dealing with a rigid spouse at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t, no.

The women on here with adhd messy husbands are miserable. You will be doing 99% of the housework in this scenario. Is that how you want to live for the rest of your life?
.

It's interesting how much housework matters to modern society. Earn more and get a housekeeper. It's a dealbreaker if wife or husband don't have domestic skills, even more important than them having integrity, kindness, loyalty, no addiction etc.

[Anonymous]

Messy is not "housekeeping." It's disorganization, inability to enforce own boundaries about ones' stuff and common spaces, rigidity. Do not marry.

The needy family won't go awat OP. If you marry you will be called on to bail them out financially. Do not marry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Some things about me:

Pros: solid career with good earnings, physically 7.5-8, good sense of humor, good at planning things, smart, own home, go to therapy when I need to

Cons: don’t want kids (this narrows my pool), I’m sometimes overly sensitive, I am not submissive, my family members are a mixed bag

I'm going to say no .
Not because of him but because of you. You don't seem capable of an accurate self assessment yet are very critical of him. Which leads me to believe he's not as inflexible as you claim.
He did start meds which is a huge thing. So I'm inclined to believe that what you call inflexibility is just him not wanting to be molded into your perfect man.

100%. OP doesn't seem to want a commitment, responsibility of a husband or kids. Just needs someone for sex, wooing, paying bills, cleaning, cooking, buying gifts, taking on trips etc so basically a yes man who earns well and lives far away from his birth family but can cater to OP and her mixed bag broken family. He isn't allowed to have any flaws or needs.

Marriage is a partnership in which both parties merge their weaknesses and strengths and work together to build a better future for the family. If you can't commit to that, both of you are better off finding people who can make such commitment.

Yesterday's women were better off single but today's men are better off single.