Low effort teen feeling left out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're getting a rare instance of unanimous response in DCUM. Listen up , and do right by your kid.

I'll be the outlier and say I don't agree. Why are the other siblings prohibited from a trip because they've 'used up' all the one-on-one time with their parents? Are they being punished for the time commitment to the other activities? Who stays home to watch the siblings? This is the kind of trip that breeds resentment and doesn't solve anything.

I have a DC who puts in an incredible amount of time and energy because he loves his sport (which, for the record, is going nowhere past high school because he isn't so good college is a thought). As parents, we then have to also match that time and energy. I have another DC who doesn't practice anything - not the instrument, not her singing, nothing. She has private lessons, at her request, for both of those things. I'm happy to support her and take her to shows in DC and NYC. If we're on vacation, I'll seek out theater she'd enjoy. But there's zero chance I'd plan a special vacation across the country to make up for what OP's son sees as an injustice. You're just validating a feeling that's incorrect.

Now, I will say, given other posts on DCUM, having a 15 yo who wants to vacation with you is a win. So maybe there's a middle ground.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I definitely think it is cruel. Accept him for who he is. Take him on a trip to a place where there is something that interests him.

Yes. DH takes him camping. I take him with me to visit family. He is specifically requesting a trip solo to LA just for fun. Sans siblings. His reasoning is “sister and brother got to go to Chicago & Miami but that was for sports. If we go to LA or another big trip we’d go as a family.

He is correct. Why wouldn’t you do this?

Hmm.. sounds like OP's child has found an interest ..in dcum.

Is this you OP?

Lol OP is long gone. I don’t know if you are OP's kid or not, but the whole idea that she owes her middle child a luxe trip to LA, given all the quality time she and her husband spend with him already, makes me think you are a minor yourself. A little too focused on sibling rivalry, like someone who has only known family life, and hasn't yet lived alone and support themself.

[Anonymous]

Do whatever you want OP but know that you won’t see much of your son once he’s an adult and leaves your house. This isn’t just about a trip.

[Anonymous]

He’s not lazy, he just has not found his interests. Listen to his needs. You spend a fortune on the other kids and give them more attention and come across as playing favorites. Do something special for him.

[Anonymous]

Take him on his dream trip. In a few years he will be off to college. You're not very nice. Not every child is sporty.

[Anonymous]

Don’t worry about natural consequences.
Life will give him plenty; you don’t have to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t worry about natural consequences.
Life will give him plenty; you don’t have to.

The natural consequence is he will feel his parents favor his siblings and he will not want a relationship as an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t worry about natural consequences.
Life will give him plenty; you don’t have to.

The natural consequence is he will feel his parents favor his siblings and he will not want a relationship as an adult.

I didn’t mean that. People who aren’t striving are just achieving less. They might be ok with it, but generally they have less money and maybe less choice.
There’s no need for a parent to arrange some artificial consequence for him to realize that you get what you work for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t worry about natural consequences.
Life will give him plenty; you don’t have to.

The natural consequence is he will feel his parents favor his siblings and he will not want a relationship as an adult.

To add, it’s not a secret that people prefer certain types of people. It’s this boy’s choice whether to try to be more likeable or let it go. I keep telling my kid that teachers like kids who show interest and diligence for example.
It’s up to him if he wants to be liked or not. But he has to know how to be liked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t worry about natural consequences.
Life will give him plenty; you don’t have to.

The natural consequence is he will feel his parents favor his siblings and he will not want a relationship as an adult.

I didn’t mean that. People who aren’t striving are just achieving less. They might be ok with it, but generally they have less money and maybe less choice.
There’s no need for a parent to arrange some artificial consequence for him to realize that you get what you work for.

This is a really good point. Home should be the one place that he is loved and valued for who he is, just because he’s yours. He will be judged and dealt with natural consequences in every other area of his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t worry about natural consequences.
Life will give him plenty; you don’t have to.

The natural consequence is he will feel his parents favor his siblings and he will not want a relationship as an adult.

Right? This all seems kind of short sighted on OP’s part. This could be her child that stays close to home, that has grandkids she gets to see all of the time, and that helps take care of her in her husband in their old age. As the strivers of DCUM know, the striver kids are going to take off and do their own stuff. If OP was smart, she should focus on fostering her relationship with this child and potentially have a very meaningful lifelong relationship after he grows into adulthood.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't take him to LA or out of state but would consider a day trip or something local with him.

I woukd jump at the opportunity to spend time with my teen but wouldn't allow myself to be manipulated.

I would turn it around and point out how unfair to his siblings it would be if I took him on a trip and didn't take the rest of the family.

Ask him what he's interested? Maybe he likes anime, take him to an anime conference. Maybe he likes tech, take him to a tech event. Please do something surrounding his interest. I have a kid who likes collecting shark teeth. Do that with him.

[Anonymous]

PP- So the two others kids are manipulating their parents by playing travel sports? Why can’t this kid get his own time with his parents like the other two kids get? How sad that the only reason those kids get time is because they “produce.”

[Anonymous]

You don’t like your son and he knows it. Really try and do better.

[Anonymous]

[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe hes not into sports. Why not do something different at his request? Sounds like he would show motivation for it.

We’ve done it all. Sports, multiple instruments, robotics club, dance, theater, D&D and gaming clubs…. Anything to get this kid motivated.

We’ve realized he’s just lazy. Yes. We are talking to his pediatrician and we’ve discussed depression but he’s been like this since he was very young. No, we never label him as lazy to him or his siblings but in the end he’s the type of kid who just will not stick with anything or put forth effort. We love him for who he is, absolutely… but I don’t feel like we are seeing some natural consequences and that may be a good thing for him?

I agree with you OP. Some kids/ people are just like this and yes, he’s likely to be feeling jealous of his sibs but not willing to look at his own lack of effort over many years that has produced this situation.

It’s not the end of the world for him. Some people are just late bloomers. I agree that it’s nice that he wants to spend time with you and the camping trip you describe sounds perfect. His situation does not merit an exclusive vacation, however. That would be sending him the wrong message IMO