Son dating girl whose parents don’t allow her to date

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay out of it. I was this girl in high school. Let her handle it.

+1 this was me and I'm also Indian American.

You don't have to straight up lie to her parents and pretend she's elsewhere at some group hangout or whatever. But if she's telling them a white lie, you don't need to get involved.

FYI my parents would never have allowed me to date in HS even if they met the other family and thought they were perfectly fine. So your heart is in the right place OP but this girl is navigating a fine line and I would let her be.

I wanted to add - in HS they definitely didn't want me dating but by college they sort of preferred the white lies / didn't need to know every detail since I wasn't living with them anyway. Now I'm married with kids, DH isn't Indian but they love him. Things get sorted out but teen years can be prickly for immigrants and their kids. This is really between the girl and her parents to figure out in terms of their rules and how she follows or pushes them.

+1. Another Indian-American, who grew up with very strict parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're very kind, OP, and I am certain your son is an upright, gentlemanly person, but if you invited me to meet me and my daughter, it wouldn't make me change my mind about my kids dating in high school. I'd rather they didn't seriously date. They can be friends, go to a chaperoned dance, but I will be picking up my daughter promptly afterward, and limiting (but not forbidding) daytime, public outings for them.

The reason I don't forbid get-togethers entirely is that it's good for my kids to socialize in a supervised, safe setting before going to college. They are very aware of the dangers of alcoholized parties, potential for assault, drinking and driving, etc.

I hope you can understand that other cultures are far more conservative with their children than a certain portion of America. This family might be even more conservative. I know plenty of them. So if you get this girl's permission to broach this with her parents, go into it with the intent of understanding their boundaries, not with the intent of changing their minds.

Great....all we need is more conservative nut jobs in this country. As if the one f-ing up government isn't enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're very kind, OP, and I am certain your son is an upright, gentlemanly person, but if you invited me to meet me and my daughter, it wouldn't make me change my mind about my kids dating in high school. I'd rather they didn't seriously date. They can be friends, go to a chaperoned dance, but I will be picking up my daughter promptly afterward, and limiting (but not forbidding) daytime, public outings for them.

The reason I don't forbid get-togethers entirely is that it's good for my kids to socialize in a supervised, safe setting before going to college. They are very aware of the dangers of alcoholized parties, potential for assault, drinking and driving, etc.

I hope you can understand that other cultures are far more conservative with their children than a certain portion of America. This family might be even more conservative. I know plenty of them. So if you get this girl's permission to broach this with her parents, go into it with the intent of understanding their boundaries, not with the intent of changing their minds.

Great....all we need is more conservative nut jobs in this country. As if the one f-ing up government isn't enough.

“Conservative” has more than one meaning, moron. The one in the White House is in favor of young teen girls having sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're very kind, OP, and I am certain your son is an upright, gentlemanly person, but if you invited me to meet me and my daughter, it wouldn't make me change my mind about my kids dating in high school. I'd rather they didn't seriously date. They can be friends, go to a chaperoned dance, but I will be picking up my daughter promptly afterward, and limiting (but not forbidding) daytime, public outings for them.

The reason I don't forbid get-togethers entirely is that it's good for my kids to socialize in a supervised, safe setting before going to college. They are very aware of the dangers of alcoholized parties, potential for assault, drinking and driving, etc.

I hope you can understand that other cultures are far more conservative with their children than a certain portion of America. This family might be even more conservative. I know plenty of them. So if you get this girl's permission to broach this with her parents, go into it with the intent of understanding their boundaries, not with the intent of changing their minds.

Great....all we need is more conservative nut jobs in this country. As if the one f-ing up government isn't enough.

“Conservative” has more than one meaning, moron. The one in the White House is in favor of young teen girls having sex.

Nah, same meaning. Next they'll want regulations in schools or to ban certain books. Every thing is a woman's fault blah blah blah. India is a giant mess, so bring that baggage here when we've already got dumpsters full of our own conservative garbage - no thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not appreciate it if some white woman wanted me discuss my daughter's social life. I don't know you, i don't give F what you have to say. I don't know why you think this is okay.

Yeah OP is going to get a reality check if she gets involved with her parents.

Why is everyone assuming it’s a white woman? Could be anyone who’s not Indian.

Have you heard a non-white family think they can change the cultural values of another family with a nice talking-to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not appreciate it if some white woman wanted me discuss my daughter's social life. I don't know you, i don't give F what you have to say. I don't know why you think this is okay.

Yeah OP is going to get a reality check if she gets involved with her parents.

Why is everyone assuming it’s a white woman? Could be anyone who’s not Indian.

Have you heard a non-white family think they can change the cultural values of another family with a nice talking-to?

The way I just cackled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're very kind, OP, and I am certain your son is an upright, gentlemanly person, but if you invited me to meet me and my daughter, it wouldn't make me change my mind about my kids dating in high school. I'd rather they didn't seriously date. They can be friends, go to a chaperoned dance, but I will be picking up my daughter promptly afterward, and limiting (but not forbidding) daytime, public outings for them.

The reason I don't forbid get-togethers entirely is that it's good for my kids to socialize in a supervised, safe setting before going to college. They are very aware of the dangers of alcoholized parties, potential for assault, drinking and driving, etc.

I hope you can understand that other cultures are far more conservative with their children than a certain portion of America. This family might be even more conservative. I know plenty of them. So if you get this girl's permission to broach this with her parents, go into it with the intent of understanding their boundaries, not with the intent of changing their minds.

Great....all we need is more conservative nut jobs in this country. As if the one f-ing up government isn't enough.

“Conservative” has more than one meaning, moron. The one in the White House is in favor of young teen girls having sex.

Nah, same meaning. Next they'll want regulations in schools or to ban certain books. Every thing is a woman's fault blah blah blah. India is a giant mess, so bring that baggage here when we've already got dumpsters full of our own conservative garbage - no thanks.

You say you don’t want Indians here yet protest closing the border and getting rid of illegals. Democrats literally destroy the country then whine about their own destruction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t allow your son to date her. You’re teaching him to disrespect his elders.

to disrespect unreasonable rules. If adults see it as their disrespect, that's their problem.

Oh do you get to dictate what rules are unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Stay out of it. My rule is - I do not lie to parents, but I also don’t go out of my way to seek them out and share info unless the parents reach out to me. So if any parent asks me, I give them to truth.

[Anonymous]

Culture-specific expectations like this are why caste is being considered as a worthwhile addition to anti-discrimination statutes.

[Anonymous]

You think you're going to change their minds? LoL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is absolutely between the girl and her parents. It should not be up to your 14-year-old son to interpret and enforce another family’s rules. It doesn’t sound like your kid is doing anything wrong (I read from your comments that the girl doesn’t care what her parents think not that your kid doesn’t care), and is just trying to understand how to navigate a challenging situation. I think you need to stay out of this as well, other than giving him good guidance on this situation perhaps being a nonstarter.

14 year olds shouldn't be dating.

Op shuts it down.

Simple.

These are not grown people.

These are not even 16 year olds.

The parents i knew who absolutely didn't want their DDs dating sent them to single sex schools and strictly monitored all their interactions ( )

They didn't send them to public high schools where interactions between sexes are the norm and expect miracles. Other parents aren't going to parent for you.

- Indian American

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Getting ice cream, talking on phone and going to a dance is totally age appropriate. “Dating” at 14 doesn’t look like it does at 16 or 17. Restrict your own kids’ social life however you like, but don’t pathologize kids doing normal kid things.

Dating at 14 was only different than 16 because I didn’t have wheels. At 14 in HS is was all about girls. All day, everyday. Which ones to flirt with, who to try and have sex with. 14-15 a little more difficult but was attainable. 16 with wheels. Both my make and female friends all knew which parents worked out of house and we dated each other.

Don’t fool yourself. 14-15 is go time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Getting ice cream, talking on phone and going to a dance is totally age appropriate. “Dating” at 14 doesn’t look like it does at 16 or 17. Restrict your own kids’ social life however you like, but don’t pathologize kids doing normal kid things.

Dating at 14 was only different than 16 because I didn’t have wheels. At 14 in HS is was all about girls. All day, everyday. Which ones to flirt with, who to try and have sex with. 14-15 a little more difficult but was attainable. 16 with wheels. Both my make and female friends all knew which parents worked out of house and we dated each other.

Don’t fool yourself. 14-15 is go time.

You may be right for a subset of kids, but that subset is smaller than it was when we were kids.

Kids are more socially awkward, avoid potentially awkward situations, don’t take as many risks, and prefer to communicate by text, even with friends and romantic partners.

On the flip side, the kids who are “dating” are rarely actually going on old school dates. They are more friends with benefits and they are definitely messing around, big time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not appreciate it if some white woman wanted me discuss my daughter's social life. I don't know you, i don't give F what you have to say. I don't know why you think this is okay.

Yeah OP is going to get a reality check if she gets involved with her parents.

Why is everyone assuming it’s a white woman? Could be anyone who’s not Indian.

Have you heard a non-white family think they can change the cultural values of another family with a nice talking-to?

Back in the day the Huxtables did it swimmingly.