Getting over affair where terrible things were said about you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you two losers who are fighting please take it somewhere else? Start a new thread and leave this one. You’re both being damned tedious.

😩

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband told his AP awful things about me and our marriage that I can’t un-know. It’s been over a year of working on the marriage since discovery and we are largely in a good place but those words haunt me. Any advice?

You can’t put Humpty Dumpty back. Now you know what your husband is really like. Figure out if you can make peace with this version of him and have a back up plan. I assume you’re staying for the kids. You might want to look at the Surviving Infidelity forum. I don’t know if EMDR therapy is something you want yo consider.

This.

I spent a long time after my husband's first affair trying to find the thing that was going to make it feel healed. Maybe he needed to write me a timeline, or write the OW a letter, or read a book, or get into therapy . . . But he did everything in a half-hearted and unsatisfying way.

Eventually I just did my best to let it go. And I understood that even though I couldn't trust him (or really, any other human 100%, but especially him), I could trust myself to figure it out if he cheated again.

He had a second affair and we're getting divorced now.

In my experience, the infidelity was just a symptom of his lack of emotional maturity and lack of concern for others. He's self-absorbed, easily distracted, never satisfied, etc. So yeah, of course he had an affair. But even if he managed never to cheat again, he was still that guy. Is that your concern, OP? You are starting to see what sort of a man he really is?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, you write about this over and over and over again, and I recognize your posts and story every time. Jeff even wrote about you being a lost soul. Why do you do this to yourself?

DP. Even if that's the case, maybe having a bit of sympathy would be wise? if she's making the same post repeatedly she's probably attempting to process things and make a wise choice, and still somewhat traumatized by what happens. Try some empathy- your life will improve, I promise.

These are both OP. At some point, womem need to take responsibility for their own happiness. You cannot tether yourself to someone who abused you horrifically and expect things to not haunt you. I am honestly sick of women doing this to themselves.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/105/1176795.page#26549738

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1138007.page

What's your point? And what about asking for advice from other women suggests OP is not "taking responsibility for their own happiness"? Sounds like OP is doing exactly that and trying to get her thoughts together regarding a massive betrayal and potential life change (divorce)

Again, please work on your own empathy. You being triggered by "women doing this to themselves" shouldnt be OP's problem.

DP. I don’t think it’s particularly supportive, kind, or good for the universe to provide OP advice on how she can stay in situation that is clearly awful.

I definitely dont think OP should, and in fact advised her to leave. But shaming her for "making another post" when OP is clearly attempting to get some clarity and thinking through her situation is really quite cruel and unhelpful. And yes, lacking in empathy.

I don’t know at all that she’s attempting to get some clarity and thinking through her situation. Seems just as likely she had a bad couple days with her DH or her memories and needs a quick dopamine hit from the internet.

That seems like a deeply uncharitable and harsh interpretation of OP's post. You may try to unpack why you have such a hostile reaction to a woman seeking advice on an advice forum.

No.

Suit yourself, and continue alienating yourself and making yourself look bad. Your karma/life experiences will be your reward.

Are you OP? I can’t imagine anyone else having such a strong reaction.

No I am the OP baffled by this person. Why does it matter if I’ve posted before that’s a strange reaction to someone in on going pain

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - how do you know what he said? I don't get it. Why/how would you know? How would anyone know privately between two people?

Haven't read the whole thread so maybe it is in there somewhere. Regardless, you should divorce a cheater. I don't know why you are wasting time.

That’s not really the point. I know - doesn’t matter through what means are you questioning that I have this info?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m guessing you have kids, or good reasons for staying together. The lies he told were just to justify his bad behavior and make himself feel better about his mistakes. They aren’t true.

I am guessing she does not work and can’t face having to get a job

Since this seems to be the same hostile poster - which is hard to understand. Money is not an issue in the slightest. I’m more than ok

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband told his AP awful things about me and our marriage that I can’t un-know. It’s been over a year of working on the marriage since discovery and we are largely in a good place but those words haunt me. Any advice?

You can’t put Humpty Dumpty back. Now you know what your husband is really like. Figure out if you can make peace with this version of him and have a back up plan. I assume you’re staying for the kids. You might want to look at the Surviving Infidelity forum. I don’t know if EMDR therapy is something you want yo consider.

This.

I spent a long time after my husband's first affair trying to find the thing that was going to make it feel healed. Maybe he needed to write me a timeline, or write the OW a letter, or read a book, or get into therapy . . . But he did everything in a half-hearted and unsatisfying way.

Eventually I just did my best to let it go. And I understood that even though I couldn't trust him (or really, any other human 100%, but especially him), I could trust myself to figure it out if he cheated again.

He had a second affair and we're getting divorced now.

In my experience, the infidelity was just a symptom of his lack of emotional maturity and lack of concern for others. He's self-absorbed, easily distracted, never satisfied, etc. So yeah, of course he had an affair. But even if he managed never to cheat again, he was still that guy. Is that your concern, OP? You are starting to see what sort of a man he really is?[/quote

I think this is helpful - the never satisfied always wanting more rings true. ]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you write about this over and over and over again, and I recognize your posts and story every time. Jeff even wrote about you being a lost soul. Why do you do this to yourself?

DP. Even if that's the case, maybe having a bit of sympathy would be wise? if she's making the same post repeatedly she's probably attempting to process things and make a wise choice, and still somewhat traumatized by what happens. Try some empathy- your life will improve, I promise.

These are both OP. At some point, womem need to take responsibility for their own happiness. You cannot tether yourself to someone who abused you horrifically and expect things to not haunt you. I am honestly sick of women doing this to themselves.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/105/1176795.page#26549738

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1138007.page

How do you know this? And even if true why would you be cruel and hostile?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you write about this over and over and over again, and I recognize your posts and story every time. Jeff even wrote about you being a lost soul. Why do you do this to yourself?

DP. Even if that's the case, maybe having a bit of sympathy would be wise? if she's making the same post repeatedly she's probably attempting to process things and make a wise choice, and still somewhat traumatized by what happens. Try some empathy- your life will improve, I promise.

These are both OP. At some point, womem need to take responsibility for their own happiness. You cannot tether yourself to someone who abused you horrifically and expect things to not haunt you. I am honestly sick of women doing this to themselves.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/105/1176795.page#26549738

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1138007.page

How do you know this? And even if true why would you be cruel and hostile?

You could leave the relationship and the words could still haunt you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you write about this over and over and over again, and I recognize your posts and story every time. Jeff even wrote about you being a lost soul. Why do you do this to yourself?

DP. Even if that's the case, maybe having a bit of sympathy would be wise? if she's making the same post repeatedly she's probably attempting to process things and make a wise choice, and still somewhat traumatized by what happens. Try some empathy- your life will improve, I promise.

These are both OP. At some point, womem need to take responsibility for their own happiness. You cannot tether yourself to someone who abused you horrifically and expect things to not haunt you. I am honestly sick of women doing this to themselves.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/105/1176795.page#26549738

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1138007.page

What's your point? And what about asking for advice from other women suggests OP is not "taking responsibility for their own happiness"? Sounds like OP is doing exactly that and trying to get her thoughts together regarding a massive betrayal and potential life change (divorce)

Again, please work on your own empathy. You being triggered by "women doing this to themselves" shouldnt be OP's problem.

DP. I don’t think it’s particularly supportive, kind, or good for the universe to provide OP advice on how she can stay in situation that is clearly awful.

I definitely dont think OP should, and in fact advised her to leave. But shaming her for "making another post" when OP is clearly attempting to get some clarity and thinking through her situation is really quite cruel and unhelpful. And yes, lacking in empathy.

I don’t know at all that she’s attempting to get some clarity and thinking through her situation. Seems just as likely she had a bad couple days with her DH or her memories and needs a quick dopamine hit from the internet.

That seems like a deeply uncharitable and harsh interpretation of OP's post. You may try to unpack why you have such a hostile reaction to a woman seeking advice on an advice forum.

No.

Suit yourself, and continue alienating yourself and making yourself look bad. Your karma/life experiences will be your reward.

Are you OP? I can’t imagine anyone else having such a strong reaction.

No I am the OP baffled by this person. Why does it matter if I’ve posted before that’s a strange reaction to someone in on going pain

OP, I am the person that recognizes you every time. But I am NOT the person that got into this ridiculous fight up thread. Agree that was odd.

What worries me is that you keep posting saying you and your husband are now in a good place. But the pain is obviously still there for you, front and center. You can’t have one person in a marriage in a place of deep pain but still think that the marriage is ok. A marriage is made up of two hearts, and one of them is broken.

Whether it will be broken forever we of course cannot say. But a year later you are still hurting. And you deserve better. Based on others comments I truly don’t think this is something you will ever recover from. He will recover, but he wasn’t the one wronged. You will just have to make the decision as to whether this kind of hurt is something you’re willing to grapple with for many years to come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m guessing you have kids, or good reasons for staying together. The lies he told were just to justify his bad behavior and make himself feel better about his mistakes. They aren’t true.

I am guessing she does not work and can’t face having to get a job

Since this seems to be the same hostile poster - which is hard to understand. Money is not an issue in the slightest. I’m more than ok

Money is not an issue. It’s been almost 2 years since you found. And your kids must be nearly grown. It’s not hostile to wonder why you are staying with someone who betrayed on multiple levels.

[Anonymous]

Leave him. He’ll cheat again if he’s not seeing her. It’s normal the person who is having the affair badmouths the partner to justify the behavior but ultimately they are the problem. You cannot fix or undo do it.

[Anonymous]

How did you find out that he said unkind words about you??

I agree - it would be impossible to “unhear” or “unknow” these types of things.

The best you can do now is to find a way to accept them & make peace w/them if you are fully committed to remaining in this marriage.
Counseling may help you figure out if you really want to remain married.

I wish you only the very best.

[Anonymous]

OP should still have a backup plan. For all she knows the husband might be the one who’ll leave once the kids fly the nest.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, and I don’t mean this meanly, you will never ever forget it or truly forgive it. I also thought we could fix things and we kind of did, for awhile, until he cheated again.

Bluntly, the vast majority of these people are incapable of change. They are missing a decency chip.

[Anonymous]

What is it you’re hoping people will say, OP? You say you come here asking for advice, which you’ve done at least a half dozen times over the past year or two. You’re looking for “Stay strong, he really does love you and made a stupid mistake,” aren’t you? Nobody here will say that because unfortunately he is a terrible man. This much is clear. Good men would never dream of doing what he did no matter what.

Because if you’re so financially secure as you say you are, and your kids are grown, you have a special kind of self loathing going on here to stay with this man. And I agree with others, you will probably end up being walked out on in the next few years. He will make the decision for you.