Trying to get over husband’s affair

[Anonymous]

In therapy. We are trying to stay together, forgive, understand how our marriage got to the point this was possible, and all the other things you’re supposed to do.

I believe my husband loves me and he absolutely is devastated by his behavior, as well. A few things though:

He says he never was going to leave or wanted to leave me (married 21 years, 2 kids) yet he told her that he was never happy, never wanted to marry me, was planning on a divorce (I have texts from him saying this to her)

I can’t get images of them together out of my head. Dates, sex, travel. It was a 6 month physical and probably a few months before that emotional affair

So much lying and deceit

During the affair he was awful to me, very distant and critical he was going through serious work stress so I attributed it to that abd was super supportive which now manes me feel pathetic

He cites concerns in the marriage I don’t really see and makes me feel like we were living in two different marriages

He’s egotistical and selfish and this has made me hyper focus on those negative traits

I can’t have an orgasm during sex now it’s awful , images of them together prevent my enjoyment

He said awful things about me to her that I can’t un-know

He abandoned our family and put it at risk at a time our kids really needed both parents due to their own struggles (late teens)

I feel so angry and sad and wonder when I’ll ever be ok. I have terrible dreams and feel like I’m walking in quick sand most days. Little joy

He is extremely remorseful, seems to value me more than ever but it’s hard to not think this is just temporary

He has shared, at my insistence, that he’s had other flirty encounters, especially when traveling that did not culminate in sex but may have included getting drinks or dinner or texting for a bit this one breaks my heart as it feels like a pattern and I’m not sure he can just stop it ?

The kids know and that’s been awful all around and impacting our ability to heal, as well

Advice welcome

[Anonymous]

OP here it’s been 6 weeks since I found out. I suspected something and went through emails and texts and contacted the OW

[Anonymous]

I would not be able to bounce back from that. Six months is not a small error in judgment. It's huge.

Please give yourself grace. You deserve better.

[Anonymous]

I am willing to get money this isn’t his first rodeo or the entire truth. It sounds like he is trickle truthing you with the “flirty” admission plus he went really far with this woman.

Don’t accept less than the truth.

Don’t have sex with him! Why would you! You don’t owe him a sexual relationship while you process all this.

[Anonymous]

There are a lot of red flags here even aside from the cheating. What are your reasons for wanting to stay together? I wonder if it would help you to take some time apart, maybe go on a week-long trip alone or with friends?

[Anonymous]

*bet money this isn’t his first rodeo

[Anonymous]

I've been though this and tried to make it work. In fact, I thought things WERE working but my husband had another affair and left me for her. I have no idea what your path forward is, but if I could go back in time I would not have worked to save the marriage, would have gotten a divorce and would have had not wasted another five years married to a liar, gaslighter and all around piece of shit.

[Anonymous]

So sorry hun. Don’t make any quick decisions and take time to figure out what you want to do. Thankfully sounds like kids are nearly grown. Are they still living at home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not be able to bounce back from that. Six months is not a small error in judgment. It's huge.

Please give yourself grace. You deserve better.

I know I do. I love him though and want to try to get to the other side of this. I believe he is a good person that made a horrendous decision and that he wants to work on being a better husband, father and human. I feel like my view of marriage and its vows mean that we have to at least try and that we don’t just throw everything away. I get that he did risk everything and that definitely hurts. My self esteem is very low right now .

[Anonymous]

Jesus Christ it’s only been six weeks and you’re already having sex with him?

I don’t care if there’s some way you could magically know whether is intention was really to leave or stay. He said horrible, humiliating things about you to another woman that he was banging, all while being cruel to you at home. That is a place that I could never come back from. I could perhaps come back from the sex piece, but not cruel words about me to the woman he’s sleeping with on the side. Zero respect.

I know this sounds harsh. But you do NOT deserve what he’s done to you. I think affairs can be recovered from in some cases, but this is beyond the pale.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of red flags here even aside from the cheating. What are your reasons for wanting to stay together? I wonder if it would help you to take some time apart, maybe go on a week-long trip alone or with friends?

Yes agree that might be helpful. Help me with the red flags, some times when you’re in the midst, it’s hard to see. Thank you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not be able to bounce back from that. Six months is not a small error in judgment. It's huge.

Please give yourself grace. You deserve better.

I know I do. I love him though and want to try to get to the other side of this. I believe he is a good person that made a horrendous decision and that he wants to work on being a better husband, father and human. I feel like my view of marriage and its vows mean that we have to at least try and that we don’t just throw everything away. I get that he did risk everything and that definitely hurts. My self esteem is very low right now .

Your love for him is not enough, nor does he deserve it. It's time to love yourself more. Your marriage has been dead, you knew the illusion of marriage that he presented, but it wasn't the reality. The marriage you want to save hasn't been there for at least a year, maybe ever.

You aren't throwing it away, but it is gone. You can't save what isn't there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ it’s only been six weeks and you’re already having sex with him?

I don’t care if there’s some way you could magically know whether is intention was really to leave or stay. He said horrible, humiliating things about you to another woman that he was banging, all while being cruel to you at home. That is a place that I could never come back from. I could perhaps come back from the sex piece, but not cruel words about me to the woman he’s sleeping with on the side. Zero respect.

I know this sounds harsh. But you do NOT deserve what he’s done to you. I think affairs can be recovered from in some cases, but this is beyond the pale.

Yes, it’s actually the things he said versus the sex itself that’s been the hardest. They included:

He was repulsed by me
Not emotionally invested ever
Never wanted to marry me
Stayed as we have a child with a disease
She was “put in his path” so he could finally get the courage to leave
I was over-weight (I’m attractive but 53 and have had about ten stubborn extra pounds during menopause)
He was seeing a therapist to try to figure out how to tell me
He was in love with her - his words
He pursued her pretty aggressively I’d say she was hesitant due to him being married

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of red flags here even aside from the cheating. What are your reasons for wanting to stay together? I wonder if it would help you to take some time apart, maybe go on a week-long trip alone or with friends?

Yes agree that might be helpful. Help me with the red flags, some times when you’re in the midst, it’s hard to see. Thank you

* Saying terrible things about you (whether they were lies or truth) to his AP
* Lying to you saying he was having a stressful time at work and accepting your support, and treating you coldly while having the affair
* Blaming his behavior on "problems in the marriage" that don't even line up with your experience (gaslighting)
* Selfish and egotistical - words that you used to describe him

I'm sorry. You don't deserve any of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ it’s only been six weeks and you’re already having sex with him?

I don’t care if there’s some way you could magically know whether is intention was really to leave or stay. He said horrible, humiliating things about you to another woman that he was banging, all while being cruel to you at home. That is a place that I could never come back from. I could perhaps come back from the sex piece, but not cruel words about me to the woman he’s sleeping with on the side. Zero respect.

I know this sounds harsh. But you do NOT deserve what he’s done to you. I think affairs can be recovered from in some cases, but this is beyond the pale.

I had the same thought- HOW are you having sex with him? And WHY.

Take a minute and feel everything. Don’t assume you have to decide everything now. You deserve to be treated well.