Getting over affair where terrible things were said about you

[Anonymous]

My husband told his AP awful things about me and our marriage that I can’t un-know. It’s been over a year of working on the marriage since discovery and we are largely in a good place but those words haunt me. Any advice?

[Anonymous]

Leave him. At least, get your ducks in a row to leave him, even if you don't do it soon. There's no coming back from that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband told his AP awful things about me and our marriage that I can’t un-know. It’s been over a year of working on the marriage since discovery and we are largely in a good place but those words haunt me. Any advice?

Why do you want to stay married to this person? I can't imagine ever being able to trust this person again. If you stay with him, it will be a financial arrangement so you can maintain your lifestyle. Is that worth it to you? It might be and I wouldn't totally blame you but be sure to reframe things so you know this is why you didn't kick him to the curb.

[Anonymous]

I’m guessing you have kids, or good reasons for staying together. The lies he told were just to justify his bad behavior and make himself feel better about his mistakes. They aren’t true.

[Anonymous]

I would view it as a child's temper tantrum. He said what he had to say to keep the AP interested or hooked on his problems. "Mommy is sooo mean!"

[Anonymous]

You can forgive him, but you won’t forget this. Have a financial plan out if you need to eventually divorce. Protect yourself even while trying to re-build.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would view it as a child's temper tantrum. He said what he had to say to keep the AP interested or hooked on his problems. "Mommy is sooo mean!"

But an adult is not a child. You're letting her dh off way too easy. The red flag for me is that a year later OP is still conflicted and unable to move past this betrayal. OP - you can forgive him for his terrible behavior but the fact that you are still struggling seems to indicate that he hasn't actually owned what he did and that he's merely trying not to do it again. (Spoiler: he will do it again.)

[Anonymous]

Write them down - or make him do it - and then light them on fire.

Have them read them out loud to you and then see how broken up he is about what he said (or not - that would be telling).

Get a divorce (although the words will still exist).

I'm sorry, OP. I've never been in that situation so I don't really know, but I have had my mom say awful things to me like she wishes I had never been born when she was drinking and I've largely moved past it, mostly as a function of time.

[Anonymous]

There’s no going back. Maximize your comfort and set you and your kids up for success for the long-term. Cheaters really don’t change. If not already, looksmaxx/get in great shape and have your own affairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband told his AP awful things about me and our marriage that I can’t un-know. It’s been over a year of working on the marriage since discovery and we are largely in a good place but those words haunt me. Any advice?

You can’t put Humpty Dumpty back. Now you know what your husband is really like. Figure out if you can make peace with this version of him and have a back up plan. I assume you’re staying for the kids. You might want to look at the Surviving Infidelity forum. I don’t know if EMDR therapy is something you want yo consider.

[Anonymous]

Hmmm. Affair I can forgive. Affair where a DH was saying awful things about me? Nope.

[Anonymous]

I really couldnt get over this. it's bad enough to get over an affair, of any kind, no matter how short or long. But to get over him bashing you to AP and saying nasty things on top of it? Absolutely not. I think you would be completely within your rights to leave this guy and literally no one would blame you, OP. Frankly, you deserve better.

[Anonymous]

You’re still early in recovery, OP. It can take several years to recover from betrayal trauma. Be gentle on yourself.

[Anonymous]

Are the things true?

My h said terrible things but it was all lies so it really was like I was amazed he was that manipulative to make up a whole fake life.

[Anonymous]

Thus was the nail in the coffin for my marriage. Honestly I think I could have lived with knowledge of the affair, but I absolutely could not get over the things he said about me. I left almost 2 years after discovery and have never been happier.