I got called a doormat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your DH IS contacting you too much on a girl’s weekend — a one-off text, fine, but he should be able to take care of his own baby without bothering you. Sounds like he is either incompetent or trying to punish you for going away and seems like on some level you are sensing it.

And agree with a PP that it sounds like you are not being present enough and they are annoyed you are on your phone.

I’m the OP. Neither is true. My husband is a great father but I spend know time with the baby. I go back to work this Monday so I’ve been able to be at home for the last 4 months really learning my baby.

My husband didn’t blow up my phone but he did text me pics of the baby ( he rolled over for the first time when I was home). He asked about some breast milk question, how to get him to sleep, and what to do because he wouldn’t fall asleep without trying to nurse. I responded each time. I don’t see that as being incompetent. He’s trying to see what I do to match that.

They ladies may have been trying to warn me or just jealous. I cook almost all of the meals and take care of the home the most. My husband makes most of our money. He bought me the house I want, doesn’t question when I spend money ( unless extravagant), and takes care of the outside of the home and any repairs without me asking him twice. We have a good system and I like it.

Some asked how life has been with a newborn and going back to work. They mentioned how little time that window is between getting home and putting baby to bed. Asked about when we will have a second kid. They balked at the response that I have done most of the parenting and try to have my husband come home to a hot meal.

“ He asked about some breast milk question, how to get him to sleep, and what to do because he wouldn’t fall asleep without trying to nurse. “

He didn’t know how to soothe the baby or how your baby was eating or sleeping prior to your trip?

It’s a four month old and op is the primary caretaker. That’s hardly unusual. Babies are changing daily at that point. Of course the partner who doesn’t do bedtime every night will have questions.

Right, but this is a wake up call that he should know how to care for his child, not just her.

She should be sure to go out, from time to time but maybe with kinder people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your DH IS contacting you too much on a girl’s weekend — a one-off text, fine, but he should be able to take care of his own baby without bothering you. Sounds like he is either incompetent or trying to punish you for going away and seems like on some level you are sensing it.

And agree with a PP that it sounds like you are not being present enough and they are annoyed you are on your phone.

I’m the OP. Neither is true. My husband is a great father but I spend know time with the baby. I go back to work this Monday so I’ve been able to be at home for the last 4 months really learning my baby.

My husband didn’t blow up my phone but he did text me pics of the baby ( he rolled over for the first time when I was home). He asked about some breast milk question, how to get him to sleep, and what to do because he wouldn’t fall asleep without trying to nurse. I responded each time. I don’t see that as being incompetent. He’s trying to see what I do to match that.

They ladies may have been trying to warn me or just jealous. I cook almost all of the meals and take care of the home the most. My husband makes most of our money. He bought me the house I want, doesn’t question when I spend money ( unless extravagant), and takes care of the outside of the home and any repairs without me asking him twice. We have a good system and I like it.

Some asked how life has been with a newborn and going back to work. They mentioned how little time that window is between getting home and putting baby to bed. Asked about when we will have a second kid. They balked at the response that I have done most of the parenting and try to have my husband come home to a hot meal.

This is the only part that raises flags for me. You are married. The money is yours jointly as should be decisions about home buying and spending money. But it sounds like you are ok with the roles of provider and homemaker despite also contributing financially.

Agree, it sounds like daddy bought the little girl the doll she had seen in the store window. Her phrasing was “a tell.”

OP has old fashioned or childlike views. If she is going back to work, she needs to approach her husband as an equal partner and negotiate a division if home and child care (could include outsourcing, of say cleaning). She will realize this when she is trying ton”do it all.” Her friends undoubtedly meant well.

[Anonymous]

I think the saying that best fits this situation is ‘misery loves company.’ Your friends supported you, the friends of friends are trying to pull you down based on their life perspectives. As Mel Robbin’s says ‘Let them.’ Live your life , not theirs.

[Anonymous]

The way you describe everything gives strong “surrendered wife” vibes. I wouldn’t say anything to you but I would be internally rolling my eyes.

[Anonymous]

To be fair now belligerent wives are the norm because pendulum is swinging from the surrendered wives but neither creates and maintains happy marriages.

[Anonymous]

Isn't it better to text and confirm, why take unnecessary risks? Everyone is texting everyone all the time for way trivial reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The way you describe everything gives strong “surrendered wife” vibes. I wouldn’t say anything to you but I would be internally rolling my eyes.

Totally.

OP I think you need to consider that your friends don't find your husband quite as impressive as you do. Working a job, doing some chores, and less-than-half parenting one baby is not really that high a bar. They're trying to wake you up to that.

[Anonymous]

Being a doormat isn't about doing things for someone else as much as it is letting someone do things to do. What did you tell your friends that caused them to say that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you do that makes you a doormat?

I do a lot of the house stuff and childcare. My husband had a solo weekend with our 4 month old while I went on the trip. He asked some questions because I’m with the baby more. They kept making comments on how much he was texting me. A friend of ours is going through a divorce and she told me to watch it and not end up like her doing everything. I told her I was very happy with my situation and it works for us. They started sh*t talking their husbands. They made joking comments about my husband being a man child and called me a doormat. These were women I don’t know very well. Only two of the women I’m actual friends with and they stuck up for me.

I had a work trip when our twins were 4 months old and my husband didn't call or text to ask me anything, so honestly your husband sounds like a bit of a loser but at least he didn't forbid you from going on the trip so there's that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you do that makes you a doormat?

I do a lot of the house stuff and childcare. My husband had a solo weekend with our 4 month old while I went on the trip. He asked some questions because I’m with the baby more. They kept making comments on how much he was texting me. A friend of ours is going through a divorce and she told me to watch it and not end up like her doing everything. I told her I was very happy with my situation and it works for us. They started sh*t talking their husbands. They made joking comments about my husband being a man child and called me a doormat. These were women I don’t know very well. Only two of the women I’m actual friends with and they stuck up for me.

These are toxic people. AVOID them.

Never take dating advice from female friends. Ever.

Y'all have some crappy and unhappy friends. The relationship advice I have given and received from friends has always been solid, not full of jealously or ulterior motives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your friends are jealous and want to see you alone. If it works, it works. Don't give much thought to their comments.

Does it work, though? If a man can't take care of his own baby for a day or two, I wouldn't say it's working. He needs to cut the cord, learn and problem solve on his own, and not be lazy.

OP sounds like a people pleaser. She was pleasing her DH by doing most of the baby care, now she's thrown because her friends aren't happy with it and are giving what is probably good advice in a rude packaging.

^This is an example of someone wanting to ruin your marriage OP.
Even women strangers online are like this, wanting everyone to be as miserable as they are or worse.

NP but I have a wonderful marriage and I think OP's husband needs to grow up. If she is fine with it, then good for her, but I think he sounds lazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you do that makes you a doormat?

I do a lot of the house stuff and childcare. My husband had a solo weekend with our 4 month old while I went on the trip. He asked some questions because I’m with the baby more. They kept making comments on how much he was texting me. A friend of ours is going through a divorce and she told me to watch it and not end up like her doing everything. I told her I was very happy with my situation and it works for us. They started sh*t talking their husbands. They made joking comments about my husband being a man child and called me a doormat. These were women I don’t know very well. Only two of the women I’m actual friends with and they stuck up for me.

I had a work trip when our twins were 4 months old and my husband didn't call or text to ask me anything, so honestly your husband sounds like a bit of a loser but at least he didn't forbid you from going on the trip so there's that.

Work trip is different than leisure trip. However, posters here are upset all the time about their BF or husband not checking up on them while away.

While OP sounds like a unicorn in today's world and might need better division of responsibilities once back to work, texting each other for whatever reason isn't a red flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way you describe everything gives strong “surrendered wife” vibes. I wouldn’t say anything to you but I would be internally rolling my eyes.

Totally.

OP I think you need to consider that your friends don't find your husband quite as impressive as you do. Working a job, doing some chores, and less-than-half parenting one baby is not really that high a bar. They're trying to wake you up to that.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your DH IS contacting you too much on a girl’s weekend — a one-off text, fine, but he should be able to take care of his own baby without bothering you. Sounds like he is either incompetent or trying to punish you for going away and seems like on some level you are sensing it.

And agree with a PP that it sounds like you are not being present enough and they are annoyed you are on your phone.

I’m the OP. Neither is true. My husband is a great father but I spend know time with the baby. I go back to work this Monday so I’ve been able to be at home for the last 4 months really learning my baby.

My husband didn’t blow up my phone but he did text me pics of the baby ( he rolled over for the first time when I was home). He asked about some breast milk question, how to get him to sleep, and what to do because he wouldn’t fall asleep without trying to nurse. I responded each time. I don’t see that as being incompetent. He’s trying to see what I do to match that.

They ladies may have been trying to warn me or just jealous. I cook almost all of the meals and take care of the home the most. My husband makes most of our money. He bought me the house I want, doesn’t question when I spend money ( unless extravagant), and takes care of the outside of the home and any repairs without me asking him twice. We have a good system and I like it.

Some asked how life has been with a newborn and going back to work. They mentioned how little time that window is between getting home and putting baby to bed. Asked about when we will have a second kid. They balked at the response that I have done most of the parenting and try to have my husband come home to a hot meal.

Please remember to cite this post when you come back in a few years complaining about how your husband expects a hot meal every night after work and you do all the kid-related stuff on top of that.

When I was on maternity leave and my husband went back to work (he stayed home the first four weeks with me) I didn't expect him to do nighttime feedings because he had to get up and go to work all day. I was also home so I did the laundry, cleaning, and cooking. But when I went back to work full-time it became 50/50. So I don't think there's a problem with you doing more while on leave, but given that you go back to work tomorrow and your husband doesn't seem to know how to feed or put your baby down, it seems like you both assume the current situation will continue, and my bet is that that will lead to some resentment for you.

But then again, I'd never say that my husband bought a house for me, so I guess your relationship is just something I don't understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being a doormat isn't about doing things for someone else as much as it is letting someone do things to do. What did you tell your friends that caused them to say that?

Excellent point.