Moms who complain they have no time but clearly do

[Anonymous]

to 16:44, you sound really busy, truly. but a lot of us working moms (and dads) have to do all that too--making breakfast (yes, sometimes even pancakes), laundry, cleaning, appointments, dinner, baths, etc. plus some of us have long commutes. Unless you have a nanny and housekeeper it can get insane, and I think there's a little resentment built in on the part of working parents who imagine sometimes what life would be like if they didn't have to work and perhaps some guilt that they are not able to make the pancakes, or volunteer for the school, or somehow get everyone to sit down at the table together for dinner. And I do think a lot of it has to do with time management and priorities. We only have 2 kids, but I have a friend who has 3 kids, 2 kids in a daycare, another in school, both have f/t jobs, no full time help or anything--and somehow they are 'together' in a way that we're not. Anyway, I'm really NOT trying to make this some kind of competition or pity me (or working moms)--but there's a certain amount of stuff that 'has' to be done, more that 'should' be done or even just 'could' be done and you always feel like you're just letting something slip--and this was a new feeling to me, never had it pre-kids. I feel like I'm running all the time, and yet I get less done than others. But I get up at 5:30, get ready for work, nurse baby while DH puts out breakfast, he takes kids to school and daycare and I leave the house at 6:45 am, work from 7:30 to 4:30, get to aftercare and then daycare, home by 5:30ish, try to spend some quality time with them while also reheating leftovers for dinner which lasts all of 15 minutes, baby is bathed and in bed at 7:30, DC #1 bath, and in bed by 8, at which point I pour myself a glass of wine and maybe eat with DH (who gets home at 7), at 9 pm, we attempt to pick up the chaos in the house, wash dishes, prep bottles, lay out clothes, check emails and DCUM and schedules, do laundry and I'm in bed by 11 pm if I'm lucky. Occasionally we have sex). Weekends are all about errands, bills, more laundry, the yard, birthday parties, etc, etc, etc. Occasionally we get a sitter and go out, more likely we take the kids to activities. I don't really regret my choice to work except for a couple things;I don't make enough money to afford more household help, so the house is not as clean or organized as Id like, and I miss working out. Sometimes I have gone to the gym at 8 pm but usually I'm too tired and lazy. And that's probably when I imagine what life would be like if I didn't work. I'd still have lots of stuff to do, but maybe my house would be cleaner and my ass firmer.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am going to go out on a limb and say that you are feeling overwhelmed and are annoyed because you are pregnant and hormonal.

The fact that you say you are particularly annoyed at your sister and friend is telling me this---these are people you care about, right? So it may be annoying that YOU feel you are busier than they are, yet you are not complaining-right?

Actually, at the end of the day, judging anyone like this ends up being all about one person...YOU. YOU feel busy yet never complain, YOU never get all that glorious time, YOU can do so much more than they can, etc.

Why don't you take a big breath and realize we all have the right to complain. It is all relative. I bet the richest person in the world has as many complaints as the poorest, they are just different in nature. Sorry some people's (especially your sister!) complaints personally annoy you, but that says more about you than them.

[Anonymous]

OMG, people, it isn't a competition who the busiest person is!

Some people have 3 things to do a day and are overwhelmed, others can happily manage a hundred.

No blue ribbons will be handed out to those accomplishing the most with a smile on their face. Just live and let live already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I totally understand where you are coming from - I work, a somewhat reduced schedule, but closer to FT than PT, have two kids and have absolutely zero time to myself. My kids go to a preschool with lots of SAHMs and I have plenty of respect for that choice (heck, it's a choice I would like to make if we could afford it), but I find it's a real conversation killer for me when I'm at a playdate or something and these moms are complaining, complaining about how tired they are, don't have time, etc...These are moms who for the most part have 1 or 2 kids in school at least 3 hours a day, if not more. A few also have a younger child and I can understand why that truly can be exhausting since a baby or young toddler is home all day, but most of these moms have a sitter one or more days a week so they can run errands, go to the salon, etc..., have cleaning help and so forth.

I suspect it is almost like reflexive complaining, like just the way they bond with other moms. And I get that - it's just that I find I can't really respond in any meaningful way -- either it would seem like I'm trying to one up them with "hey, I haven't had even an hour to myself in three months" or something like that or well, I just don't have anything to say.

these moms should babysit for each other once or twice a week. i'll drop my kid off with you every tuesday for a few hours, and I'll return the favor every Thursday. they should quit complaining and do something about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I am starting to find myself annoyed though at SAHMs who have children in school and still complain about not having time.

You know what, this opens you up for a good ole fashion can of whoop ass!

I am a stay at home mother of three kids. I have no children home with me all day as the youngest is in Elementary school ALL DAY.
To give you a glimpse into the day of one DC SAHM, because apparently you are clueless...

-I am up at 6:15am etc etc
-I get home and it is between 9:30-10:00am etc etc
-There is trash that needs to be taken out, grass that needs to be cut, etc
-Back home by 4:00pm. We have homework, chores, reading, play dates after school activities blah blah

This is a typical day for a SAHM. So do I have at least 4 hours out of a day to myself HELL NO. Must be nice to go to work and get a break and then bash stay at home moms because YOU have guilt issues!

Give me a break. I learned a LONG time ago to NEVER pass judgment on any other mother unless I have walked in her shoes.

Ignorance is something I just do not have time for.

You are cracking me up. I do this too and hold down a full time job. I love SAHMs you all are so funny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am going to go out on a limb and say that you are feeling overwhelmed and are annoyed because you are pregnant and hormonal.

The fact that you say you are particularly annoyed at your sister and friend is telling me this---these are people you care about, right? So it may be annoying that YOU feel you are busier than they are, yet you are not complaining-right?

OP here: Haha. This is why I mentioned that I'm pregnant.....OF COURSE it's based on hormones It always annoys me a bit, but not enough to vent about it on DCUM!

Actually, I think the reason it's mostly my friend and sister is because I'm close to them and I don't feel bad being "judgy" like I do with other people. BECAUSE I care so much about them I am able to be more critical. Does that makes sense? The people you love don't get pissed when you're critical so you don't feel as bad about it (especially 'cause they're also critical!).
I actually only feel overwhelmed at the moment 'cause my husband was away for a bit. Generally, I consider myself very lucky to have a well-paying PT job and I feel like I get a good amount of time to myself on a lunch break being able to pick up a few grociers or talk on the phone on the way home from work. The reason it gets on my nerves is because I generally hate when people complain about things when so many people have it so much harder. My neighbor is a single FT working Mom and president of her PTA. I look at her life and think "Wow. She must really have no time!". I try to remember that things aren't always coming to some as easily as others. Some are good time managers and some aren't and some are "talented "at Parenting. I didn't intend to be judgemental about choices, just complaints. Of course they have the right to complain. I never said anyone doesn't. I just wanted some real responses from other people as to REASONS for the complaints to help give insight so I wouldn't have to burden them with my hormones. I regret it's turned into a SAHM vs WAHM/WOHM scenario. We ALL have 24 hour jobs. We all do our workday (either at home or at work) and then have more to do. Moms and Dads alike. It's the constant of everything that makes Parenting so draining.

Personally, I don't think anyone can touch the time constraints of a WAHM. I WOHM and pay someone else to watch my child. Doing both at the same time seems impossible to me! Even with a Nanny it's like the kids are always aware Mommy is home and she's not really "free" to work.


I also really like how someone is going around talking about writing style by writing 1 obnoxious sentence quoting full pages of dialogue. I guess that qualifies for artiuclate!

[Anonymous]

That should have been "groceries".

[Anonymous]

BTW, I'll say it again:

I can't imagine you all never get annoyed at your siblings or friends. For some reason people seem to think that writing these things on public anonymous forums is horrible. Like you know who they are....or who I am, for that matter. This obviously makes me a horrible person. Watch out for me! My sister gets on my nerves sometimes!

[Anonymous]

"You are cracking me up. I do this too and hold down a full time job. I love SAHMs you all are so funny."

Are you this judgmental, quick to stereotype, and bitchy in real life or just online?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do find there's little tolerance and outright curiosity towards a friend of mine who is very rarely busy and jealously guards her time. She likes to do house projects and be very spontaneous. Doesn't work, kids are all in at least part time school. Doesn't pressure herself to have homecooked meals every night, her house is frankly always a mess and she doesn't look any better than the rest of us. What she excels at is having very little stress.

I'm really jealous of your friend. Sounds like she's figured things out. Good for her. Wish I could be that way (not stressed out, I mean - I don't make homecooked meals very often (and when I do, they taste like crap), my house is a mess, and I still have gobs of baby weight to lose, so I have that in common with her. But I angst about it all.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Wow! What what a boring & crappy writer. Wow!

Wow! What an asshole. Wow!

[Anonymous]

16:44, if you really were once a WOHM, then I suggest you reread your post, and really think about whether what you describe makes you as busy as a WOHM. The reality is, if the trash doesn't get taken out one day, the laundry piles up, and the house is a mess, it doesn't matter. You're busy only because you choose to fill your days with these tasks, all of which get done by working parents in the evenings and on weekends.

And pancakes aren't very healthy.

[Anonymous]

You are cracking me up. I do this too and hold down a full time job. I love SAHMs you all are so funny.

You crack me up as well as I one also held down two jobs as a single mother for a while and still did all that shit. Glad you can laugh at yourself.

16:44, if you really were once a WOHM, then I suggest you reread your post, and really think about whether what you describe makes you as busy as a WOHM. The reality is, if the trash doesn't get taken out one day, the laundry piles up, and the house is a mess, it doesn't matter. You're busy only because you choose to fill your days with these tasks, all of which get done by working parents in the evenings and on weekends.

And pancakes aren't very healthy.

First, maybe you do not mind having trash build up in your home, but I do. I prefer to raise my kids in a healthy environment, including my homemade pancakes, with whole grain flour and all...So would you like me to come and do your job as well.

I have been a working mother outside of my home, run a business at one point, and now am a stay at home mother. I have three extremely well adjusted, wonderful and healthy children, a clean house and no dirty piles of laundry on the floor because I am not lazy.

The differences between moms who stay home at work on raising their children etc as a full time job and the moms who go out and earn a paycheck is really none. We both do what we have to do. Some of us do it better than others, in both scenarios, home or in the office.

[Anonymous]

This is in many ways similar to the debate over income levels a couple of months back. SAHMs have the luxury of choice but are reluctant to characterize their choices as such (just like living in a smaller house with no commute eats up a lot of the budget of "middle class" families making $300K/year). They can choose to fill their days with obligations, but if something comes up they want to do they have the luxury of adjusting their schedules to fit it in.

I do not doubt that SAHMs are busy, but the 16:44 list of tasks to justify her worth as a SAHM is kind of laughable. She feeds and clothes her kids, gets them to and from school and entertained and contributes to her community. That is great, but to say she does not have time for whatever she wants to do is likely incorrect (I may be wrong and not know that she has OCD so she cannot depart from her schedule of cooking organic pancakes, bed-making and lawn mowing). Working moms have signed up for a different list of obligations with less flexibility and many working moms must work, it is not a matter of choice. And yet they manage to accomplish the same basic tasks of feeding and clothing their children, transporting them to and from school, entertaining them and contributing to community. The working moms are getting by with less time that unencumbered by strict obligations (if you do not show up for work you will not get payed and could get fired) within which they can make choices and they resent the implication by SAHM moms that the circumstances are actually comparable. It is the failure to recognize the luxury of the options that they have that is so annoying when you hear the complaints.

Just a thought.

[Anonymous]

I'm 21:52, and 22:46, you made my point much better and more diplomatically than I did.

But I do have to quibble with 16:44 - there is BIG difference between not taking the trash out EVERY day, and "letting the trash build up in your home" such that it is an "unhealthy environment." Good grief.

And I think your implication that WOHMs who don't do laundry daily are "lazy" is really obnoxious.

Perhaps you should go back to running your business so that you aren't so obsessed about your house.

Signing off now, so that nicer people like 22:46 and others can take over. As someone who doesn't have a choice but to work, and is working her ass off to keep things together in the house, for the kids, and with the finances, the complaints of women who have the luxury of that choice really bug me, particularly when those same women call me lazy.