How/why do people have a second (or more?!?!) child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an older child who is an only and there are times when I see families with 2 or more kids and feel a pang of envy. Especially when I see the kids interacting in positive ways and I feel sad my kid will never have a sibling.

But otherwise I'm mostly like you OP. If you are surprised to discover that some of the people who have same-age first kids as you are contemplating having another, wait until they have two and tell you they are having a third. I always smile and say congrats and I'm happy to meet their babies and glad they are getting what they want in life. But my internal monologue in these conversations is aways "what?! whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy??????" Everyone is different but the idea of three children sounds like hell on earth to me and I LOVE being a mom.

To me it was the law of diminishing returns. Like yes, would I love a second (or third) child and would it be amazing to have a parent-child relationship with more people and experience the joy of seeing them grow and become their unique selves? Yes, I have experienced this with my only and it is wonderful and when I see people with babies I think of how they are the beginning of that journey and how lucky they are.

But time is finite. Money is finite. I don't still want to be raising kids when I'm in my late 50s or early 60s. I don't want to have no time for myself or my spouse because our kids take everything. I don't want to constantly be navigating sibling relationships, thinking about how we have to multiply every family outing by x people, etc. I know that if I had 2 or 3 kids, my relationship with my only would be totally different and, if I'm honest, I think less special.

So to me it wasn't worth it. Also I grew up in a big family (4 kids total) and was therefore very familiar with the downsides of a large family and know that kids don't always get along and that parents do not always have enough time and energy to go around. It wasn't terrible, it just wasn't what I wanted for my own family.

PP here who has 3 kids - I think this is kind of bull. Of course your relationship with you only kid will be different but it isn't LESS SPECIAL because you have more than one kid.

I had my kids in my early 30s so all 3 kids will be gone to college by the time I am in my early 50s. We are very fortunate to have a high household income and don't have to think too much about multiplying every kids wants by 3. We can afford to do all the outings as a family of 5 without it impacting our budget very much.

Of course you think it's "bull" -- you can't imagine that there is any downside to any of your choices. It's very important for you to tell us all how you made all the right choices and have the best life, and besides you're very rich so you didn't have to choose.

But you did. Each of your kids gets less of you than an only child would, or than two kids would get. This is just reality. It doesn't mean it's bad to have 3 kids. But PP is correct that the relationship between an only child and their parents is unique and kids with siblings will not have quite the same bond. They'll have relationships with siblings, and the only child own't have those at all. But no one has it all. There are advantages to having (and being) an only. There are advantages to having (and being one of) multiple kids. Everyone has tradeoffs.

I mean, except you. Of course there are no downsides to anything you've ever done. You're perfect. I know that's important to you.

DP but nearly all social scientists conclude that the amount of attention you glorify giving your one child about is severely detrimental in the short AND long term. Siblings are good, as is not getting sole attention from mom and dad. Basic research, folks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an older child who is an only and there are times when I see families with 2 or more kids and feel a pang of envy. Especially when I see the kids interacting in positive ways and I feel sad my kid will never have a sibling.

But otherwise I'm mostly like you OP. If you are surprised to discover that some of the people who have same-age first kids as you are contemplating having another, wait until they have two and tell you they are having a third. I always smile and say congrats and I'm happy to meet their babies and glad they are getting what they want in life. But my internal monologue in these conversations is aways "what?! whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy??????" Everyone is different but the idea of three children sounds like hell on earth to me and I LOVE being a mom.

To me it was the law of diminishing returns. Like yes, would I love a second (or third) child and would it be amazing to have a parent-child relationship with more people and experience the joy of seeing them grow and become their unique selves? Yes, I have experienced this with my only and it is wonderful and when I see people with babies I think of how they are the beginning of that journey and how lucky they are.

But time is finite. Money is finite. I don't still want to be raising kids when I'm in my late 50s or early 60s. I don't want to have no time for myself or my spouse because our kids take everything. I don't want to constantly be navigating sibling relationships, thinking about how we have to multiply every family outing by x people, etc. I know that if I had 2 or 3 kids, my relationship with my only would be totally different and, if I'm honest, I think less special.

So to me it wasn't worth it. Also I grew up in a big family (4 kids total) and was therefore very familiar with the downsides of a large family and know that kids don't always get along and that parents do not always have enough time and energy to go around. It wasn't terrible, it just wasn't what I wanted for my own family.

PP here who has 3 kids - I think this is kind of bull. Of course your relationship with you only kid will be different but it isn't LESS SPECIAL because you have more than one kid.

I had my kids in my early 30s so all 3 kids will be gone to college by the time I am in my early 50s. We are very fortunate to have a high household income and don't have to think too much about multiplying every kids wants by 3. We can afford to do all the outings as a family of 5 without it impacting our budget very much.

Of course you think it's "bull" -- you can't imagine that there is any downside to any of your choices. It's very important for you to tell us all how you made all the right choices and have the best life, and besides you're very rich so you didn't have to choose.

But you did. Each of your kids gets less of you than an only child would, or than two kids would get. This is just reality. It doesn't mean it's bad to have 3 kids. But PP is correct that the relationship between an only child and their parents is unique and kids with siblings will not have quite the same bond. They'll have relationships with siblings, and the only child own't have those at all. But no one has it all. There are advantages to having (and being) an only. There are advantages to having (and being one of) multiple kids. Everyone has tradeoffs.

I mean, except you. Of course there are no downsides to anything you've ever done. You're perfect. I know that's important to you.

I don’t think it’s accurate that an only child has a more unique relationship with their parents. It’s different but not better or worse. It can also be an unpleasantly intense relationship if one or both parents are overly oriented towards perfection, has poor boundaries, or parents have a strained marriage. There are no sibling relationships that can provide a ballast and normalcy. My three kids are close in age and their relationships are incredible. They are very close. Our family is close and my husband and I are close to all of them, but they have something special as a sibling unit and with one another as siblings. It’s just different than a parental relationship and it provides a lot of dimensionality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s crazy to me how someone could feel complete with one kid. The more the merrier, I love the baby stage (toddler is hard for me). Everyone is different.

My MIL asked me this exact question after learning I was pregnant with baby 3. She was utterly shocked that we’d ever have another child since we already had one boy and one girl. She followed up with asking if this pregnancy was accidental- the only rationale she could find since she frequently reminded us that had the perfect family of 4.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is obviously an individual choice that is based on a myriad of different factors. In our case having three has been great. I’m my experience the best thing you can do for your child is to give them siblings. Also parenting is like everything else you get better with experience. We are much better parents for a third kid than we were for our first. Good luck.

This is an INSANE thing to say. I'm sure many people are happy to have siblings. But many are neutral to negative on it, and there are tons of other things I think are more important to provide a child with than a sibling. Like love and support and a safe home and an education and a sense of belonging. A sibling could be part of that (or, in another family, could actively get in the way of providing those things) but siblings are NOT the most essential thing you can give a child. That's bananas.

You’re quite a literalist aren’t you? If someone says to you “ see you later alligator” do you correct them and let them know that you are indeed not an alligator?

If by “best thing” you meant the most “essential thing” - I would imagine that the answer would be oxygen. Oxygen is the most essential thing for a child.

But taking the previous poster’s statement in the spirit in which it was made - I think they have a point, siblings are very helpful to having a happy and well adjusted life.

it is not being overly literal to interpret someone saying "In my experience the best thing you can do for your child is to give them siblings" to mean that person thinks the best thin you can do for your child is to give them siblings (and that this is better than that giving them a loving home or a good education or emotional support).

And yes, for some families, these things are in competition with one another. Adding kids adds stress and financial pressure. Even if you are wealthy this is true -- the stress and financial pressures are just different. If having additional children would mean putting your kid in a more stressful, less supportive, less calm and loving environment, is it still the "best" thing.

Also parents do not provide their kids with oxygen. It's free! But if I lived somewhere with poor air quality I would in fact think it was more important to move to a place with better air quality than to give my child a sibling because, yes, being able to breathe freely does trump having a sibling on pretty much any hierarchy of needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an older child who is an only and there are times when I see families with 2 or more kids and feel a pang of envy. Especially when I see the kids interacting in positive ways and I feel sad my kid will never have a sibling.

But otherwise I'm mostly like you OP. If you are surprised to discover that some of the people who have same-age first kids as you are contemplating having another, wait until they have two and tell you they are having a third. I always smile and say congrats and I'm happy to meet their babies and glad they are getting what they want in life. But my internal monologue in these conversations is aways "what?! whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy??????" Everyone is different but the idea of three children sounds like hell on earth to me and I LOVE being a mom.

To me it was the law of diminishing returns. Like yes, would I love a second (or third) child and would it be amazing to have a parent-child relationship with more people and experience the joy of seeing them grow and become their unique selves? Yes, I have experienced this with my only and it is wonderful and when I see people with babies I think of how they are the beginning of that journey and how lucky they are.

But time is finite. Money is finite. I don't still want to be raising kids when I'm in my late 50s or early 60s. I don't want to have no time for myself or my spouse because our kids take everything. I don't want to constantly be navigating sibling relationships, thinking about how we have to multiply every family outing by x people, etc. I know that if I had 2 or 3 kids, my relationship with my only would be totally different and, if I'm honest, I think less special.

So to me it wasn't worth it. Also I grew up in a big family (4 kids total) and was therefore very familiar with the downsides of a large family and know that kids don't always get along and that parents do not always have enough time and energy to go around. It wasn't terrible, it just wasn't what I wanted for my own family.

PP here who has 3 kids - I think this is kind of bull. Of course your relationship with you only kid will be different but it isn't LESS SPECIAL because you have more than one kid.

I had my kids in my early 30s so all 3 kids will be gone to college by the time I am in my early 50s. We are very fortunate to have a high household income and don't have to think too much about multiplying every kids wants by 3. We can afford to do all the outings as a family of 5 without it impacting our budget very much.

Of course you think it's "bull" -- you can't imagine that there is any downside to any of your choices. It's very important for you to tell us all how you made all the right choices and have the best life, and besides you're very rich so you didn't have to choose.

But you did. Each of your kids gets less of you than an only child would, or than two kids would get. This is just reality. It doesn't mean it's bad to have 3 kids. But PP is correct that the relationship between an only child and their parents is unique and kids with siblings will not have quite the same bond. They'll have relationships with siblings, and the only child own't have those at all. But no one has it all. There are advantages to having (and being) an only. There are advantages to having (and being one of) multiple kids. Everyone has tradeoffs.

I mean, except you. Of course there are no downsides to anything you've ever done. You're perfect. I know that's important to you.

I don’t think it’s accurate that an only child has a more unique relationship with their parents. It’s different but not better or worse. It can also be an unpleasantly intense relationship if one or both parents are overly oriented towards perfection, has poor boundaries, or parents have a strained marriage. There are no sibling relationships that can provide a ballast and normalcy. My three kids are close in age and their relationships are incredible. They are very close. Our family is close and my husband and I are close to all of them, but they have something special as a sibling unit and with one another as siblings. It’s just different than a parental relationship and it provides a lot of dimensionality.

Your first two sentences are contradictory and also there is no such thing as "more unique." Something is either unique or not.

In any case, I am the parent of an only and I really like the relationship I have with my DD, and I know it would be different if I had more kids. It would still be a good relationship, but different in ways that I would mourn. I think it is nice for my DD to never have to compete with a sibling for my attention. I had to compete with my siblings for attention a lot growing up and it wasn't great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an older child who is an only and there are times when I see families with 2 or more kids and feel a pang of envy. Especially when I see the kids interacting in positive ways and I feel sad my kid will never have a sibling.

But otherwise I'm mostly like you OP. If you are surprised to discover that some of the people who have same-age first kids as you are contemplating having another, wait until they have two and tell you they are having a third. I always smile and say congrats and I'm happy to meet their babies and glad they are getting what they want in life. But my internal monologue in these conversations is aways "what?! whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy??????" Everyone is different but the idea of three children sounds like hell on earth to me and I LOVE being a mom.

To me it was the law of diminishing returns. Like yes, would I love a second (or third) child and would it be amazing to have a parent-child relationship with more people and experience the joy of seeing them grow and become their unique selves? Yes, I have experienced this with my only and it is wonderful and when I see people with babies I think of how they are the beginning of that journey and how lucky they are.

But time is finite. Money is finite. I don't still want to be raising kids when I'm in my late 50s or early 60s. I don't want to have no time for myself or my spouse because our kids take everything. I don't want to constantly be navigating sibling relationships, thinking about how we have to multiply every family outing by x people, etc. I know that if I had 2 or 3 kids, my relationship with my only would be totally different and, if I'm honest, I think less special.

So to me it wasn't worth it. Also I grew up in a big family (4 kids total) and was therefore very familiar with the downsides of a large family and know that kids don't always get along and that parents do not always have enough time and energy to go around. It wasn't terrible, it just wasn't what I wanted for my own family.

PP here who has 3 kids - I think this is kind of bull. Of course your relationship with you only kid will be different but it isn't LESS SPECIAL because you have more than one kid.

I had my kids in my early 30s so all 3 kids will be gone to college by the time I am in my early 50s. We are very fortunate to have a high household income and don't have to think too much about multiplying every kids wants by 3. We can afford to do all the outings as a family of 5 without it impacting our budget very much.

Of course you think it's "bull" -- you can't imagine that there is any downside to any of your choices. It's very important for you to tell us all how you made all the right choices and have the best life, and besides you're very rich so you didn't have to choose.

But you did. Each of your kids gets less of you than an only child would, or than two kids would get. This is just reality. It doesn't mean it's bad to have 3 kids. But PP is correct that the relationship between an only child and their parents is unique and kids with siblings will not have quite the same bond. They'll have relationships with siblings, and the only child own't have those at all. But no one has it all. There are advantages to having (and being) an only. There are advantages to having (and being one of) multiple kids. Everyone has tradeoffs.

I mean, except you. Of course there are no downsides to anything you've ever done. You're perfect. I know that's important to you.

DP but nearly all social scientists conclude that the amount of attention you glorify giving your one child about is severely detrimental in the short AND long term. Siblings are good, as is not getting sole attention from mom and dad. Basic research, folks.

Lol citations needed. I must have missed this issue of "Unanimous Conclusions by Nearly All Social Scientists Weekly." Should be a problem for an expert in Basic Research like you to provide us with some links.

I think it's interesting you think it is "glorifying" an parent's relationship with an only child to say that there are advantages to such a relationship while at the same time saying there are drawbacks and that of course there are advantages to having siblings too. It seems like this is the opposite of glorifying. It's even handed and realistic.

[Anonymous]

My daughter just had a baby last week (her 2nd), and she says she can't imagine NOT having another baby.

everyone is different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an older child who is an only and there are times when I see families with 2 or more kids and feel a pang of envy. Especially when I see the kids interacting in positive ways and I feel sad my kid will never have a sibling.

But otherwise I'm mostly like you OP. If you are surprised to discover that some of the people who have same-age first kids as you are contemplating having another, wait until they have two and tell you they are having a third. I always smile and say congrats and I'm happy to meet their babies and glad they are getting what they want in life. But my internal monologue in these conversations is aways "what?! whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy??????" Everyone is different but the idea of three children sounds like hell on earth to me and I LOVE being a mom.

To me it was the law of diminishing returns. Like yes, would I love a second (or third) child and would it be amazing to have a parent-child relationship with more people and experience the joy of seeing them grow and become their unique selves? Yes, I have experienced this with my only and it is wonderful and when I see people with babies I think of how they are the beginning of that journey and how lucky they are.

But time is finite. Money is finite. I don't still want to be raising kids when I'm in my late 50s or early 60s. I don't want to have no time for myself or my spouse because our kids take everything. I don't want to constantly be navigating sibling relationships, thinking about how we have to multiply every family outing by x people, etc. I know that if I had 2 or 3 kids, my relationship with my only would be totally different and, if I'm honest, I think less special.

So to me it wasn't worth it. Also I grew up in a big family (4 kids total) and was therefore very familiar with the downsides of a large family and know that kids don't always get along and that parents do not always have enough time and energy to go around. It wasn't terrible, it just wasn't what I wanted for my own family.

PP here who has 3 kids - I think this is kind of bull. Of course your relationship with you only kid will be different but it isn't LESS SPECIAL because you have more than one kid.

I had my kids in my early 30s so all 3 kids will be gone to college by the time I am in my early 50s. We are very fortunate to have a high household income and don't have to think too much about multiplying every kids wants by 3. We can afford to do all the outings as a family of 5 without it impacting our budget very much.

Of course you think it's "bull" -- you can't imagine that there is any downside to any of your choices. It's very important for you to tell us all how you made all the right choices and have the best life, and besides you're very rich so you didn't have to choose.

But you did. Each of your kids gets less of you than an only child would, or than two kids would get. This is just reality. It doesn't mean it's bad to have 3 kids. But PP is correct that the relationship between an only child and their parents is unique and kids with siblings will not have quite the same bond. They'll have relationships with siblings, and the only child own't have those at all. But no one has it all. There are advantages to having (and being) an only. There are advantages to having (and being one of) multiple kids. Everyone has tradeoffs.

I mean, except you. Of course there are no downsides to anything you've ever done. You're perfect. I know that's important to you.

I don’t think it’s accurate that an only child has a more unique relationship with their parents. It’s different but not better or worse. It can also be an unpleasantly intense relationship if one or both parents are overly oriented towards perfection, has poor boundaries, or parents have a strained marriage. There are no sibling relationships that can provide a ballast and normalcy. My three kids are close in age and their relationships are incredible. They are very close. Our family is close and my husband and I are close to all of them, but they have something special as a sibling unit and with one another as siblings. It’s just different than a parental relationship and it provides a lot of dimensionality.

Your first two sentences are contradictory and also there is no such thing as "more unique." Something is either unique or not.

In any case, I am the parent of an only and I really like the relationship I have with my DD, and I know it would be different if I had more kids. It would still be a good relationship, but different in ways that I would mourn. I think it is nice for my DD to never have to compete with a sibling for my attention. I had to compete with my siblings for attention a lot growing up and it wasn't great.

The sad thing about this response is that you see the sibling relationship through the prism of competition and scarce resources instead of an opportunity to learn, share resources, and provide comfort and emotional support.

[Anonymous]

no issue with the choice of one child but it creeps me out to hear certain people touting how their one child is so lucky to be the sole and intensive focus of their attention and their super focused relationship - makes me wonder about how naricissitic people are to think their attention should be the sole thing their kids world revovles around - its great for your child if they have a very compatible personality to yours but if not that type of constant focus could be very stressful

[Anonymous]

It really depends on how easy your baby is and how well you cope with whatever ways your baby is hard. My first was extraordinarily difficult as a baby, and her particular difficulty was extreme sleep issues, and it turns out I do not cope at all with no sleep. I also don’t really like babies.

So we very seriously considered not having any more. After 3 years, we did. No, we were not looking forward to another baby. Dreaded it, in fact. But we felt strongly about the advantage of our first having a sibling, so we gritted our teeth and did it again. I promise you many people who go on to have a second do find having their first excruciatingly hard and just do it anyway because it does eventually get easier. I think people don’t tend to consider a second until and unless they can really see that it DOES get easier, and when that happens is different from kid to kid.

[Anonymous]

0-12 weeks was the best time of our lives for all 3 kids. Then until 12 months. Toddlers are hell. If my kids were never 1.5-4 I would have had unlimited kids. We all think different things are hard. Being pregnant was super easy, especially because everyone treated me nicer and gave me lighter work.

[Anonymous]

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/brothers-sisters-strangers/202302/how-siblings-contribute-to-the-good-life?amp

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm extremely anxious and type A and I knew that if I only had one kid it would put way too much pressure on my "one perfect child." We have three which enables me to more evenly distribute my neuroses among them rather than piling it all on one kid.

Ha ha! Same for me. None of my kids are neglected in the publicly understood definition of the term - but there is a modicum of benign neglect compared to the absolute smothering they'd received if they were only children. My mother only had me and I was smothered. We also have 4 pets. A full house is important to my sanity so that I don't start obsessing over one living being in particular.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people just know they want a big family and are willing to go through the baby phase more than once. I was already 2 months pregnant at my DD1's first birthday. With a visible belly haha. DH and I knew we wanted a bunch of kids. Ended up with 3 in 5 years.

I was 36 weeks pregnant at my babies first birthday. Had thee kids in 39 mos.

OP- I always knew I wanted a family of 3 orn4 kids. Despite EBF and being on the mini pill I was shocked to be pregnant so soon- but it turned out to be such a gift.

Don’t worry about what other moms are going. One child families are lovely, or if you change your mind in the future that’s great too.

But if you’re unhappy at home, def go back to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm extremely anxious and type A and I knew that if I only had one kid it would put way too much pressure on my "one perfect child." We have three which enables me to more evenly distribute my neuroses among them rather than piling it all on one kid.

Ha ha! Same for me. None of my kids are neglected in the publicly understood definition of the term - but there is a modicum of benign neglect compared to the absolute smothering they'd received if they were only children. My mother only had me and I was smothered. We also have 4 pets. A full house is important to my sanity so that I don't start obsessing over one living being in particular.

Yep, plus some people just have a ton of energy and bandwidth for kids and everything else.